It may not have occurred to anyone before now, but Digi think about things other than games sometimes. They have opinions about stuff and that. Granted, they're mainly on rather obscure/stupid subjects, but you can't fault them for that. At least they consider the world around them in some way. The following lists showed up within the chart pages and on The Man's diary over the years, as the Digi fellers' strange trains of thought sped through the Station Of Consciousness - manifesting themselves in ten conscise points about whatever bizarreness they happened to have on their minds at the time...
OUR TOP 10 FAVOURITE JOURNEYS
1. Chair to floor via air
2. Mr Cheese to prison via boys
3. Burger to bowl via crack
4. Weary existence to bliss via fumes
5. Pain to pleasure via hooks
6. Air to brain via syringe
7. Donkey to corner via kickings
8. Oompah-Loompah to poompah via Axis
9. Bakers to Hell via oven
10. Wasps to throat via bees
Ho-Sis pulled from Faw-Cert
Soiled by Err-or
EXCUSES
1. I never touched it - Mother
2. The horse ate it - Teacher
3. Brian Cant told me to - Hamble
4. It just went off by itself - Birds
5. We didn't see you, vicar - Nuns
6. Must have been that kebab - Mates
7. We were just talking - Dad
8. I got caught in a big web - Wasp
9. I'm from France - Copper
10. Buntu - Peter
Horse carts compiled by Dob-Son
Sponsored by Rim-Fest
OUR MOST EMBARRASSING "MOMENTS"
1. Spoof "pawn" movie/teacher incident
2. Gutter "blockage"/paternal discovery
3. Churchill impersonation/ale imbibing
4. Best mate's "admission"
5. Inadvertent "display"/French student
6. Train toilet door/woman incident
7. Maternal "blow-off"/new girlfriend
8. Parents/nude bouncy castle shame
9. Poppadom/rubber/grandmother
10. "Sharing secrets"/cat next door
Emperor's moats breached by Sap-puh
Sponsored by Salty Simon
OUR FAVOURITE INJURIES
1. Lolly stick through back of throat
2. Climbing frame leap/tongue-biting
3. Bucking bronco/tongue-biting
4. Swing-in-face teeth removal
5. Drain incident shin-bone exposure
6. "The Wailing Boy"
7. Dr Belch & The Tom-And-Jerry Bump
8. A vegetable medley!
9. Ron Lutz's cigar/boys' hands
10. "Bare live wires" classroom tragedy
K Bush-Knees touched by Clog-Oh
Sponsored by the French
OUR FAVOURITE DREAMS
1. Pink dinosaur/spinning house
2. Neighbour was bearded alien
3. Sister drinking sherry
4. Clean paper/dirty paper
5. Manic Street Preachers jail event
6. Dental nurse/big headed drummer
7. Canal pole-vaulting
8. Empty market/full market
9. Friends falling through roof
10. Twinkle Annual disappearance
Facial Warts Ruptured By Doc-Tor
Sponsored by Fruit-Pies
OUR "FINEST" FOODS
1. Prawn toast
2. Bovs
3. Panty fries
4. Some bacon
5. That troutuss
6. Pie
7. Chinese chicken hoops
8. Chips/sailors
9. Filthy gas
10. Stilt-skin
Pig-Blower spun by Ank-uls
Sponsored by Bell-end
OUR BIGGEST SURPRISES
1. Geese in car "shocker"
2. £20 in bus used ticket box "stunna"
3. Man dressed as fridge "eye-rubber"
4. Kenneth Kendall/High St "startler"
5. Tippex/vinegar "confusion"
6. Runny cakes in post "ribbon"
7. Bird beaky antler-man "hat"
8. Beetle in banana "stickler"
9. Lady hiding pens in pies "gasper"
10. Salt
Menpip's Corks Popped by Peep-ers
Sponsored by Telly-Belly
OUR TOP 10 COCKNEY PHRASES
1. "Swallow the old peas and pipes"
2. "Up the apples and the grocers"
3. "My old man's an apple"
4. "Buying the milk in bulk"
5. "Having a slicer"
6. "Going round to see my dad"
7. "Dressing up like a magician"
8. "I'm a puzzle-solver... etc."
9. "Chlorine is business"
10. "Apples; travelling apples"
Plates stacked by Frank
Sponsored by Trickles
TOP 10 THINGS ASTRONAUTS DO
1. Punch each other in the helmet
2. Float into their friends
3. Experiment on moon-men
4. Try to eat powder
5. Spray wine into the shower
6. Put purple stuff over the windows
7. Hit the computer with a magnet
8. Dance with the de-activated robots
9. Sit on the de-activated robots
10. Remove the de-activated robots
Silica Laminated by Spacewaste
Jettisoned by Aldrin
TOP 10 THINGS TV COP-SHOW COPS SAY
1. "I shot that dog, chief"
2. "Drive faster than him"
3. "C'mon, boss, smack the kid in"
4. "This coffee tastes like blood"
5. "This doughnut has real skin in it"
6. "Watch out - he's got a snappo"
7. "Please stop darting around"
8. "Look at this book... closer... closer"
9. "This gun: it go ban-ba"
10. "Awaken the de-activated robots"
Charge trumped-up by Guv
Sprung by Cake-file
OUR WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS
1. Pet (dying)
2. "The Return of the Hankies"
3. S. Wonder 4-album set
4. Keegan pants
5. Humming aqualung
6. Cheesecloth musical smock
7. D. Cassidy jigsaw
8. Running spikes
9. Oil?
10. The sea monkey
King Spinnee douched by Rum-Buh
Sponsored by Lob-Ladels
OUR FAVOURITE "TREATS"
1. Pacers
2. "Pez"
3. Lollygobblechocbomb
4. The Dalek Lolly
5. Anglo bubbly
6. Jamboree bags
7. Trebor Fruit Salad/Black Jack
8. Parma Violence
9. Going puff-puff
10. Giving Space Dust to Mum's dog
Martial Arts Practised by Jap-Tah
Sponsored by Hairy-Sweetie
10 RECORDS WE MIGHT BREAK IN 1994
1. Growing one of France's widest trees
2. Hiring the most unusual sleighs
3. Biggest welder
4. Rearing the naughtiest cardinal
5. Eating the least yeast
6. Roasting the most toast
7. Best flying
8. Delighting the proudest gentlemen
9. Husking!
10. Vomiting less eggs by the school
Norr-Iss Infected By Ash-Tray
Sponsored by Kee-mow
10 USES FOR A FOPPISH THERMAL INSOLE
1. To sustain a dolphin
2. To usurp a flat weighing machine
3. To float marinaded oats
4. To shovel cochineal scrapings
5. To hover manically in waiting
6. To recline emphatically
7. To wrap an exuberant beast
8. To lather several foals
9. To mislay an array of cured meats
10. To slap a robber heartily
Fondant Fuelled By Kitty
Sponsored by Downstairs
TOP 10 SMELLS THAT WE EMIT
1. The bells on that hill
2. "Juice"
3. Popping ginger!
4. The sweet smell of carnage
5. Stale "figgy" pudding
6. Swan (wet/slowly drying)
7. The saltiest "brine"
8. Innards in July/peak seasoning
9. Neighbours in "knead"
10. Mr Medusa
Oh! Door opened by Nostr-ills
Sponsored by Por-Kchop
TOP 10 HOLIDAY SOUVENIRS
1. Simon Hall's squirrel thing
2. Box of crabs
3. Man-in-soup figurine
4. Elastic man/barrel keyring
5. Rude matches
6. Birna's stupid furry Vikings
7. Ghurka
8. Flick-comb/por-noh cards/long loaf
9. The terrifying mask of death
10. Lucky seaweed seeds
Sto-mach rubbed by Cath-ee
Sponsored by Crak-see
OUR TOP 10 "NEW" MUSICALS
1. Go Nanny Go!
2. Five Guys And Their Nannies
3. Joseph & His Amazing Nanny
4. Nanny Of The Opera
5. Little Shop Of Nannies
6. Nanny, There's A Ship In My Parlour
7. Guys And Dolls Of Nannies
8. Little Orphan Nanny
9. Doctor Doolittle's Nanny
10. Starlight Express With Nannies In
Compiled by Web-bing
Sponsored by Spen-cer
"THE BEATLES"
1. Tim Sebastian
2. Gavin Estler
3. John Stapleton
4. Polly Toynbee
5. Peter Sissons
6. John Simpson
7. Nicholas Witchell
8. John Suchet
9. John Snow
10. Busby Berkley
Gig-es Performed In Cav-ern
Sponsored by Epstein
THINGS PEOPLE STORE UNDER THEIR HATS
1. Lizards
2. Buzzards
3. Gizzards
4. Blizzards
5. Wizards
6. Buzzers
7. Scissors
8. Whizzers
9. Lizards
10. Scissors
Blasts Heard by Mother
Sponsored by Crossings
TOP 10 NEW DIET PLANS
1. Vodka and veal diet
2. Cod and codeine diet
3. Fear and beer diet
4. Tuna and Wandsworth Council
5. S.F.C. diet
6. Sandwiches diet
7. Pork and pills diet
8. Apples and combat diet
9. Ooh, so many prawns!
10. Jo Boxers: Boxer Beat
Heaven Entered by Scots
Sponsored by Kilt-lifter
TOP 10 HIDDEN SECRETS: PRESS REVEAL
1. Hunterman's "children"
2. Mr Cheese's "assistant"
3. Mr Biffo's "funding"
4. Mr Hairs' "powder"
5. "The lathes in the bathes"
6. Our mortars
7. Our ginger wisps
8. Our spider farm
9. Our ant farm
10. And finally, our worm farm
Rum-ours Whispered in Hous-es
Sponsored by Kittens
OUR FAVOURITE BATTLES
1. Western Road Turnip War
2. Hare & Hounds Xmas Eve "Jumpings"
3. Golspie Sea-Wall Skirmish
4. The Birthday Kick-Ins
5. The Pre-Party Massacre
6. Colin Terry's Brother Kick-Ins
7. Fat Boy Corridor Forehead Stamping
8. Noisy Neighbours/Door-Brickings
9. Rugby League Fans/Mass Assault
10. Dying For Your Country
Stick-s Swung by Pear-Son
Pare-nts deceived by Ly-ing
OUR FAVOURITE PARTY INCIDENTS
1. Power Of N/"prize throwing"
2. S Fitzgerald/window walk-through
3. "I play for Villa"/total lie
4. K White/water pistol/tears
5. Ale minding/distribution
6. Bouncy castle/Jif Lemon/Healey
7. "I play for Charlton"/total lie
8. Match Of The Day/party on hold
9. Gatecrash/Royal Marine/"get out!"
10. "Magical" soap writing/mirror
T-Bird Drunk by Young-uns
Carp-ets ruined by Fag-burns
TOP 10 THINGS DOCTOR WHO DOES
1. Drinks petrol from a hose
2. Flobs at computers
3. Wears a wire vest
4. Smacks his assistants with a spade
5. Says this: "Oh - urggh!"
6. Turns scampi into pretzels
7. Crams fluff up his hood
8. Talks like this: "Yes, OK. Yes yes."
9. Pretends to be a domfrey
10. Blows off onto his console
Doctor Eaten by Dal-eks
Regenerated by Cyber
OUR TOP 10 NEW BEAUTY PRODUCTS
1. Dog-on-a-rope cream
2. High protein guts
3. Hair-removal spider
4. Snow for your back
5. Diet paraffin
6. Fireman flat-face
7. Vroom, vroom... varnish!
8. Ear knife
9. The Domesday Look
10. Beauty: With Ali & Mehmet
Giant liver ruptured by back-heel
Sponsored by Pon-ee
TOP 10 NEW GANGSTA RAPPERS
1. MC Jif Healey
2. Ice Cream
3. Ice Lolly
4. Ice Berg
5. Ice And A Slice?
6. DJ Jazzy Jif
7. Scoop Scooby Doop
8. Shaver Shave
9. Dr Drapes
10. Captain Music
Clocks wound by laughter
Sponsored by Commander
OUR TOP 10 NEW COMPANIES
1. Eeeee Beeee Deeee Ltd.
2. Destroy-U-Like Ltd.
3. Jason & Jason - Four Painters Ltd.
4. Oxhey's Poxy Fox-Boxes Ltd.
5. Cocoa-Co Ca-Choo Ltd.
6. Trains-Onto-Gulls Ltd.
7. Skin-Twang Ltd.
8. Wasp-U-Light Ltd.
9. Death-U-Wreak Ltd.
10. Eye-U-Scrape Ltd.
Ass-ets sold off by Strip-puh
Sponsored by Che-s-t
OUR TOP 10 NEW PUNISHMENTS
1. Some bloke throwing balls at you
2. Sitting in cold water for ages
3. Having one of your socks removed
4. A load of blokes getting you down
5. Being locked in a massive dry dock
6. Those blokes getting their own back
7. Trial by missile
8. Trial by J.H.T. Ltd.
9. Dial-An-Awful-Grating-Sound
10. Having to eat terrible things
Ret-ri-bution by Carl of Paris
Sponsored by Jumping
OUR TOP 10 NEW PLACES TO HIDE
1. Drury Lane
2. Under some twigs
3. "Share a shell"
4. Just go and live in a pot!
5. In a fairly small bag of cement
6. Near a "warren"
7. With Herbie "Hide"
8. In the middle of a field
9. Put some rope over your face
10. Round any of the world's corners
Boredom with Hidey-Seekey
Sponsored by Hundred
OUR TOP 10 NEW PRACTICAL JOKES
1. Whoopee doctors
2. Grey-face boats
3. Snapping beards
4. Rubber saps
5. Exploding chests
6. Fake churches in ice cubes
7. Little toy watches
8. Radio-controlled catalogues
9. Iron sweets
10. Scalp buzzer
Compiled By Crysiss Ovah
Sponsored by Back-2-Normal
OUR 10 HOBBIES
1. Driving around
2. Pursuing people
3. Bringing home the beacon
4. Dancing with Dan
5. Re-enacting the fall of Jacob
6. Hatred
7. Bare-headed wolf-singing
8. Usin' our healin' han'
9. Debugging "The Headmaster"
10. Wiping away tears of deceit
Pasti-Me Endured By Lost-Dogs
Kicked by Oh-nuh
10 WAYS TO IMPRESS FARM WORKERS
1. Produce hay from no-hay places
2. Protect geese from injury
3. Lay eggs
4. Turn water into rashers of bacon
5. Round up some dogs "cowboy style"
6. Catch more mice than ever before
7. Dance on a cow's shoulders
8. "Combine harvesters"
9. Do that thing with the milk churns
10. Get out of the pond
Rur-al air by Bar-ley-mow
Sponsored by Fasta Wife!
TOP 10 WAYS TO TRICK DOGS
1. Call them "Peter" for five days
2. Dress up as a bigger dog
3. "A dog, you say? I don't think so!"
4. Put limes in both their bowls
5. Speak French words to them
6. Pretend you've gone out
7. Makes "bones" from salt and shampoo
8. Push them around in boxes
9. Set fire to your garden
10. Paint their food a funny colour
Growling done by Bad-Mutts
Sponsored by Ped-ee-gree
OUR 10 FAVOURITE ADVERTISING SLOGANS
1. "Come in and buy pipes or something"
2. "Good enough to roll near"
3. "Try two and see where you can chew"
4. "Mr Thomas - simply a baker"
5. "So fresh, you might sing"
6. "We try to make you go over there"
7. "Some of our biscuits are missing"
8. "Where only the most evil sheep die"
9. "Your legs - our brushes"
10. "Does your grandfather ring true?"
Camp-ane funded by Pus-tule
Sponsored by Big-Pies
TOP 10 "VALENTINES"/ROMANTIC THINGS
1. "Cupid"/real bow and arrows/death
2. Chocolates filled with mice
3. Dirt on men's faces
4. Threaten stranger/wine/dine
5. "Special flowers"
6. Kiss-chase
7. Proposal confusion/wrong wife
8. "Roadkill" left on door step
9. Kidenys/lovers "knot"
10. "Hey, you're ugly, but quite nice"
Ro-ses nicked from Gard-en
Stung by Nett-els
TOP 10 COLOGNES
1. Duke
2. Tilt
3. Le Spittle
4. Vodka & Hatred
5. Dirt Attack
6. Tunnel Vision
7. Monsieur Hump
8. Suspend!
9. Corduroy King
10. Capers
Bat-Man doused with Di-Oxin
Sponsored by Pans-of-Jam
TOP 10 NEW PUNCHLINES
1. It had some gas coming out of it!
2. They all got "bees' kneads"!
3. He thought they were pupae!
4. Because I want it to split apart!
5. Then I say: "He's faulty!"
6. Isn't that Mr Swanson?
7. But I've always promoted moss!
8. To get a better look at his forms!
9. It's simple: I do it with my spoon!
10. The police arrived - on a wah-wah!
Baal spouted by Tar-Baby
Sponsored by No-bles
TOP 10 NEW NORSE GODS
1. Daniel - God of Manuals
2. Emmanuel - God of Annuals
3. Nathaniel - God of Spaniels
4. James - God of Breakfast
5. Robert - God of Refreshment
6. Williams - God of Chutes
7. O'Brien - God of Skin
8. Beauchamp - God of Buzzers
9. Carl - God of Carbon
10. Jean-Paul - God of MBD Ltd.
Wodan eaten by Bread-Bread
Sponsored by Temp-luss
TOP 10 NEW CONFRONTATIONS
1. Godzilla vs R. Swanson
2. Ice cream vs ice lolly
3. Captains vs admiral
4. Crisp bread vs normal bread
5. Laurel vs R. Swanson
6. Tintin vs Dustin Swanson
7. White mice vs red ants
8. Hogarth vs Disraeli
9. Grapes vs brakes
10. R. Swanson vs Dustin Swanson
Blocks Toppled by Stable
Sponsored by Cresswell
TOP 10 SLANG NAMES FOR BEES
1. Flower-lickers
2. Stupid stripers
3. Hive-dwellers
4. Honey-tongued funnies
5. The frighteners
6. Little ponces
7. Baby planes
8. The devil's helix
9. Living fossils
10. Human mammals
Rubies auctioned by Donut
Swapped for Handle
TOP 10 SLANG NAMES FOR GHOSTS
1. Floaters
2. Whiteskins
3. Dead-gents
4. Wall-seepers
5. Bone-alikes
6. Clouds-with-eyes
7. Sheet-lifters
8. Polters
9. Sheets-for-skin
10. Coffin-leavers
Fear cleansed by Naylor
Exorcised by Go-Go
TOP 10 NEW TYPES OF FIREWORKS
1. Viking Coal
2. Soul-eater
3. Purple Cloud-bird
4. Screaming RSD
5. Fire From A Friend
6. Georgian Lovely
7. Sparkling Fag
8. Paper Taper
9. Fizzing Rake
10. Edward Firework
Flames fanned by Saboteur
Extinguished by Gorgon
TOP 10 THINGS THAT ALIENS MIGHT EAT
1. Butane
2. Dog mess
3. Chocolate space shapes
4. Silver bread
5. Dennis Watts
6. Volts
7. Sour moon thins
8. Venusian poupon
9. A-frames
10. Hens
Spaceship launched by Up-pers
Came down with Coffee
TOP 10 THINGS DALEKS DO AT CHRISTMAS
1. Squirt spray-snow on the pudding
2. Knock the turkey off the table
3. Pull the Christmas tree over
4. Smash up all the baubles
5. Shred the crackers
6. Drive over the presents
7. Screech during Dad's Army
8. Pour Advocaat on the fire
9. Poo down the chimney
10. Melt plastic onto robins
Dav-ros adored by Mas-ter
Spat on by Harry
TOP 10 WAYS DALEKS SEE IN THE NEW YEAR
1. Bump into the clock at midnight
2. Hide the New Year's resolutions
3. Put ghosts in the toasts
4. Spit in the turkey sandwiches
5. Whistle during Auld Lang Syne
6. Put champagne corks on their eyes
7. Poo in the party poppers
8. Break the drunks' wrists
9. Roll into the host
10. Pretend to be James Bond
Kit-Kat swapped for Ho-Ses
Spat on by Baker
TOP 10 SLANG WORDS FOR PIRATES
1. Parrot-users
2. Stick-legs
3. Hook-shakers
4. Cutlass boys
5. Eye-hiders
6. Boat-climbers
7. Weevilskins
8. Citrus-needers
9. Skull-flags
10. Rum-guts
Dubloons jollied by Roger
Boarded by Chestlers
TOP 10 SPECIAL "CARRY ON" FILMS
1. Carry On Clothing
2. Carry On Michael Rodd
3. Carry On Human Beat-Box
4. Carry On Writing
5. Carry On Chickens
6. Carry On Xeroxing Stuff
7. Carry On Eco-Terrorists
8. Carry On Cyberman, Davros & Lenin
9. Carry On Looking Like A Giant Eggy
10. Carry On E-34
Babs goosed by James
Bounced by Breslaw
OUR TOP 10 NEW EASTENDERS PLOTS
1. Michelle buys a new belly
2. Grant changes his name to Gus
3. Old Wicksy must fight new Wicksy
4. Sanjay starts selling hives
5. Bees live in hives!
6. Tricky Dicky kicky Ricky
7. Phil "melts"
8. Nigel "washes"
9. Den "Watts"
10. Pigs "snort"
Al-bert Square by Brooke Sides
Sponsored by Corrie
TOP 10 NEW FUNERAL MARCHES
1. Money Programme music
2. Original Grange Hill music
3. It's A Knock-Out music
4. Rhubarb & Custard music
5. Sale Of The Century music
6. Screen-Test music
7. Cricket music
8. Chigley music
9. Byker Grove music
10. Mr & Mrs music
Kittens Swallowed by Artist
Sponsored by Combings
TOP 10 NEW SUPERHEROES
1. Captain Gut-Plank
2. The Invisible Brown Agent
3. Swanson Boy
4. The Yellow Sailor
5. Sister Pumpford
6. General Soda
7. Junior Chess
8. Mr Wasps-For-Lungs
9. The Incredible Sassin' Daddy
10. Captain Looks-Like-This: "B"
Duties Performed by Locust
Snipped by Victors
10 THINGS DADS THINK ARE MADE OF WAX
1. Cowboys
2. Dracula
3. Trumpets
4. Coffee granules
5. Wing mirrors
6. Xerxes
7. Odin
8. "Give Way" signs
9. Quick-sand
10. Um Bongo
Sceptre Wielded by Shapiro
Swallowed by Castles
TOP 10 SLANG NAMES FOR PONIES
1. High-backs
2. Brownskins
3. Tiny criers
4. Kanga-by-twos
5. Smoothsides
6. Conefaces
7. Saddle lifters
8. The new humans
9. Big dogs
10. Fence motors
Guilt Concealed by Cleaner
Excused by Deeson
FIRST 10 ORIGINAL BEATLES DRUMMERS
1. Brian Walden
2. Jeremy Paxman
3. Peter Snow
4. Tony Gubba
5. Tony Curtis
6. Tony Hart
7. "Sink The Bismarck"
8. Dick Spring
9. Andi Peters
10. Ian Hislop
Epstein Obsessed with Webs
Stroked by Walrus
10 FORTHCOMING EASTENDERS PLOT-LINES
1. Bianca steals Arthur's coat
2. Grant is mistaken for an asteroid
3. Nigel wins a drawing competition
4. Well 'Ard made to wear Arthur's coat
5. Geoff tries to jump over a van
6. Mark gets so fat, his stall breaks
7. Steve opens an all-night halal deli
8. Nellie and Jules swap snappers
9. Ian captains an 1870s tea clipper
10. Basil Brush's body found in bin
Vic Engulfed by Wailing
Helped with Bottling-Up
TOP 10 THINGS GRANT MITCHELL MIGHT SAY
1. "I wish Roly was still alive"
2. "I'm going to buy a spaceship"
3. "I want to eat some Pez"
4. "Queen Vic? More lime, please!"
5. "Have you got anything by Motown?"
6. "Go ahead punk, eat my Pez"
7. "And now, I will dance like a goose"
8. "Where's Phil's Pez?"
9. "Help - Nigel's tearing!"
10. "Pez is fresh"
Sharon Serviced by Punters
Woken by Steve
OUR TOP 10 HAT/FOOD COMBINATIONS
1. Fez/peanut brittle
2. Top hat/grated cheese
3. Miner's hat/"spuds"
4. Deer stalker/mixed grill
5. Baseball cap/toast
6. Crash helmet/side salad
7. Nelson's hat/tuna sandwich
8. Bobble hat/chilli con carne
9. Ten gallon hat/oxtail soup
10. "Frisbee" hat/dogfood
Headgear by Arm-Arn-Ee
Worn by Cold Earl-obes
10 THINGS A STUPID IDIOT MIGHT DO
1. Fall over in a shop
2. Buy the wrong stuff
3. Make a mess all the time
4. Break his toaster
5. Drive off the road
6. Knock a box off a shelf
7. Burn his dinner
8. Forget to wash his clothes
9. Forget to eat
10. Wake up in the night
Idiot Slapped by Smartlings
Filled in by Booties
10 WAYS TO GET IN FREE TO AN X-FLICK
1. Disguise yourself as a ball
2. Say your brother has a gun
3. Marry the projectionist
4. Get old enough quickly and don't pay
5. Hang a towel over the door and run in
6. Get born during the film
7. Tell the usher his dog is barking
8. Use x-rays to penetrate the walls
9. Get a part in the film
10. Threaten to ruin everyone's evening
Emergency Exit Wedged by Mates
Hunted by Torch-in-Face
10 WAYS TO GET IN FREE TO A ZOO
1. Ride in on a special pony
2. Tell them you are "The Walrus"
3. Become a zoo-keeper
4. Disguise yourself as an Italian king
5. Put box on head and be "box-bat"
6. Force tickets from chits
7. Become so flat, you just slide on in
8. Hide in a barrel of baps
9. Say you're making the new zoo flick
10. Get good at jumping, then jump in
Tourists "Sprayed" by Chimps
Baited by Schoolies
TOP 10 HOMES FOR INCH-HIGH PEOPLE
1. Mitts
2. Inside a dog's heart
3. Under a bowl of pickles
4. Between two small turrets
5. Inside a hollow chunk
6. Up the top of a biro
7. In Thomas Dolby's locket
8. In the shadow of a rocket
9. In a fisherman's pocket
10. In a broken plug socket
Thumb Bust by Stamping
Sized by Pincers
TOP 10 NEW MR MEN
1. Mr Prometheus
2. Mr Sepsis
3. Mr Human Beatbox
4. Mr Ducat
5. Mr Pincers
6. Mr Dross
7. Mr Friction
8. Mr Eugenics
9. Mr Prison
10. Mr Sphinx
Lowe Pushed by Pike
Swung by Hargreaves
TOP 10 NEW ITEMS OF FILM MERCHANDISING
1. "Kramer vs. Kramer" snap-its
2. "Good Morning Vietnam" rake
3. "Citizen Kane" putty
4. "Grease 2" tinsel
5. "The Abyss" firework
6. "Clockwise" clock
7. "Brazil" anti-freeze
8. "Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence" lamp
9. "Backbeat" astronaut ice cream
10. "Die Hard 2" pig game
Buying Done by Sadman
Sold by Inflators
TOP 10 NEW BREAKFAST CEREALS
1. Snapping Tassles
2. Banana Iron-Ons
3. Malted Pork 'Uns
4. French Whistlers
5. Cock-A-Doodle Taste-Us
6. Corn-Like Lucky-Clucks
7. Carbonised Oat Shards
8. Crunchy Nut Dynamos
9. Sopping Bran Shapes
10. Vodka Puffs
Milk Absorbed by Fibre
Sold by Free-Toy
TOP 10 DISCARDED FORREST GUMP SAYINGS
1. "Life is like a box of magnets"
2. "My mom used to spit peas over me"
3. "Why so dirty, Mr President?"
4. "Stupid is as stupid as I am"
5. "Use The Force, sir"
6. "The man with the hat is back"
7. "Look: I've got a cob in my water"
8. "You're the one for me, fatty"
9. "I eat cannibal"
10. "I also eat cannon-balls"
Idiot Adored by Nation
Sickened by Chocolates
TOP 10 FRAGILE INVENTIONS
1. The porcelain pedalo
2. The paper sword
3. The sand coat
4. The crystal road
5. The balsa dynamo
6. The plaster JCB
7. The cardboard tannoy
8. The resin crane
9. The cotton wand
10. The china mace
Shards Ingrained in Flesh
Patented by Docs
10 MORE REJECTED CARRY-ON TITLES
1. Carry On Keyhole Surgery
2. Carry On Junglist Massive
3. Carry On Jethro Tull
4. Carry On Viking Funerals
5. Carry On, Carry Off Ferry
6. Carry On Shrinking
7. Carry On Depeche Mode
8. Carry On Agent Orange
9. Carry On Burma Railway
10. Carry On Tirpitz
Smut Forgotten by Windsor
Killed by Williams
10 NAMES BRAM STOKER REJECTED BEFORE DECIDING ON DRACULA
1. Mr Big-Teeth
2. Drac-U-Like
3. Drac-R-Us
4. Toysarus
5. Bongo The Clown
6. Ming Ming
7. Chi Chi
8. Dr Awful
9. Power Mouth
10. "Robot" Smith of The Cure
Mary Shelley spooked by Flat-Head
10 GOOD NAMES FOR A NIGHT CLUB
1. The Starch Effect
2. Davros & Disco (Deceased)
3. Sorry, We Are Closed
4. Chris Fish Bar
5. Where The Small Ones Live
6. Warlock Hour
7. Cum On Feel The Droidz
8. N & P Dry-Cleaning
9. J & M Dry-Cleaning
10. City Dry-Cleaning
Trainers buried by Security
10 LINES EDITED OUT OF JAMES BOND FILMS
1. "I'm not a man, Moneypenny"
2. "Excellent! I've killed Q!"
3. "Space rockets look like pens"
4. "Blofeld, may I eat this moth?"
5. "Bond is driving a ferris wheel"
6. "Oh 007, must you always gob at me?"
7. "I really like being a secret agent"
8. "No, James, you cannot eat my scalp"
9. "Balloons can lift you right up"
10. "Trousers are forever!"
M debriefed by Jaws
10 JOKE RUSSIAN NAMES
1. Vladimir Giant-Head
2. Leonid Baggy-Pants
3. Mikhail Shape-Shifter
4. Comrade Fatty
5. Josef Starling
6. Comrade Tickle
7. Wolfgang Von Fatty
8. Giuseppe Le Sausages
9. Frankie Knuck-Knucks
10. Ricardo Spielberg
Soviet invaded by MinuteMen
10 CARTOON ANIMALS WHO ARE FASTER THAN ROAD RUNNER
1. Deputy Dawg
2. Baggy The Dog
3. Augie Doggy
4. Doggy Daddy
5. Scooby Doo
6. Scrappy Tickle
7. Pluto
8. Dogson 5
9. Deputy Dawg
10. Deputy Dawg
10 AFFECTIONATE NAMES FOR PET COWS
1. Little Cow
2. Mrs Nice Cow
3. Lovely Little Cow
4. Shiny Eyes
5. The Giant Calf
6. Judson Tickle
7. Super Cow
8. Hortence The Cow
9. Huge Eyes
10. Big Udders
10 PEOPLE WHO COULD RIGHTFULLY CLAIM TO BE "THE FIFTH BEATLE"
1. Satan
2. Daddy Mack
3. Daddy Cool
4. The Speaking Clock
5. Peter Purvis
6. Kid Creole
7. Edward "Woodwind"
8. Rubik
9. Dr Seuss
10. Catfish
Sponsored by Disa
10 HEALTHY ALTERNATIVES TO SALT
1. Sand
2. Powder paint
3. Coffee granules
4. Marvel
5. Fines
6. Fish food
7. Breadcrumbs
8. Sawdust
9. Ferris dust
10. Flour
Sponsored by Mr Diet
THINGS WE'D LIKE TO DROP FROM A BALLOON
1. A hoof
2. A brooch
3. A folder
4. A picnic egg
5. A "book"
6. A load of salt
7. Four Panini sticker albums and a mask
8. A tricycle
9. A slinky
10. Fuzzy Felt
11. A ladder
Gravity whooshed by Stuff
Grounded by Motorists
THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SAY TO A JANITOR
1. "Is that brooch for me?"
2. "You look like you are Peter Noone"
3. "This is the life!"
4. "Well, this is happening: KASSSSS!"
5. "Struts? What, now?"
6. "Hide me! The notaries are ruined!"
7. "Please sir, am I bleeding?"
8. "You kicked that plant over"
9. "Stop eating - now!"
10. "The control panel is now online"
Lifts soiled by Drunkards
Buttoned by Catwoman
10 NAMES FRANKENSTEIN MIGHT HAVE CONSIDERED FOR HIS MONSTER
1. The Bolt'un Wanderer
2. Dracula
3. Stitchy-Boy 7
4. Mr Volts
5. Bell Bottom
6. Bad-Brain
7. Mac
8. Bryn
9. King
10. Daddy Cool
Stoker misled by Vodka
10 THINGS WE CAN SEE FROM OUR "AREA"
1. Hunter's "hoop"
2. Edwards
3. Beer glass/monsters/liquid
4. Chal monsters
5. B. Bunny: beating "snaps"
6. Keeblefood
7. Abusive Turner post
8. "Doctors on the roof"
9. Those wires
10. France
Scamp-ee excited by Heatin-g
Sponsored by Fig-eater
10 SENTENCES FEATURING ALL THE LETTERS OF THE ALPHABET
1. Hello, I am ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPRSTZ
2. The kind cigarette ate the boy'z axe
3. Quiet please: Motley Crue are lazy
4. Why do quiz-masters look like bins?
5. Buzzing keg-lifters never queue up
6. Don't pin eskimo fuzz onto my quilt
7. Every good kid deserves quarry-zooms
8. Pointy varmints zone in on quaaludes
9. Pretend to do big X-rays, Quincy
10. Just look at the long aqua zoo, King
Lexicon emptied by Inuit
TOP 10 LOVELY, HARMLESS THINGS
1. Rabbit
2. Sweets
3. Snowman
4. Water
5. Nice cakes
6. Cloud bird
7. A chicken
8. Woollen-hatted monkey-vicars
9. Tons of tongues
10. Filth
Roumoun tickled by Huzzbund
Petted by Lordo
OUR FAVOURITE ANIMAL PEOPLE
1. Mike Batt - Womble
2. Shrewy Green - Knocks
3. [?] - Haunches
4. Jimmy Tarkaduck - Golfy
5. Salmon Dave - Motel
6. Inspector Horse - Old Man
7. Hugh Henfer - Jazzer
8. Bob Monkeyhouse - Oil
9. Michael Rodd Hull & Emu - Screentest
10. James Barbary-Ape - Monkee
Goove parts compiled by Feed-Stuff
Sponsored by Grampus
OUR FAVOURITE CHILDHOOD "PRANKS"
1. Throwing bananas at French students
2. Hurling bag of soup at a bald man
3. Putting liver in a "hospital" box
4. "Record Breakers" phone scam
5. "Ross Perot" phone scam
6. "Inspector Szemanski" phone scam
7. The acid loft
8. Telephone kiosk "pyrotechnics"
9. [?] hotel interior mountaineering
10. Feigning injury in public
Taxi marks compiled by Cheap-ee
Sponsored by Plink-o
OUR TOP 10 NEW HAIR-DRESSING SALONS
1. "Hair By Babylon Peter"
2. "Hair, Hair, We Cut Hair!"
3. "Sidriss"
4. "Heathrow Hair-Port"
6. "Gone To The Hairs"
7. "Snip, Snip, Cut, Cut, Slap"
8. "You Filthy Pigs"
9. "Scum"
10. "Snips, Lice & Heliotrope"
Side-ies burnt off by Ligh-ter
Sponsored by Tee-na
NB: No number 5
TOP 10 NEW FEED-LINES
1. Isn't that tailor far too friendly?
2. What happens when you spank a van?
3. I'm going to need eleven masts...
4. Why did the round cow go back in?
5. What is black and red and a dog?
6. Knock knock - is it a panther?
7. There was this diseased gunman...
8. How many bakers does it take to LCL?
9. Are you sure you're not my mother?
10. Why don't wasps need to get drunk?
"Gobs" cleansed by Brush-Brush
Sponsored by King-Kee
TOP 10 NEW SLANG NAMES FOR PRISONERS
1. Arrow-shirts
2. Bar-shakers
3. Snout-boys
4. Porridge-lickers
5. Anti-screws
6. Do-nothings
7. Cake-file-finders
8. Tunnel-diggers
9. Sacklifters
10. Sheet-knotters
Jailhouse rocked by El-Vises
Burnt down by Rioters
TOP 10 PRE-CHRISTMAS ERRORS
1. Finding/opening/re-wrapping gifts
2. Last-minute gift manufacture/"hat"
3. Inadequate "bird" thawing
4. Over-zealous Xmas Eve indulgence
5. Dodgy Xmas lights/milk/cat death
6. Christmas tree/petrol/matches
7. Video timer error/parental beating
8. Dog/tinsel "tangle"/tree-topple
9. The "plum duff" parade
10. St Nicholas & those two eggs
San-tus wrapped up by Foil-face
Sponsored by Stuff-uh
TOP 10 POST-CHRISTMAS ERRORS
1. Stuffing cards down robin
2. Hugging new pen set to death
3. "Turkey walk-ee"
4. Doing bounces
5. Wrapping puddings in own vest
6. Pile of old ribbon/doctor henry
7. "Wall of fur" train-set stunt
8. Brandy butter "application"
9. All new presents/whirling blades
10. Bobbing for Mr Horse
Vassuss removed by Skinn-uh
Sponsored by Vern-itt
OUR TOP 10 NEW TOYS
1. "Larynx The Lad" playset
2. "Incredible Crash Test Honey"
3. "Action poet laureate"
4. "Mr Opee Doctors" game
5. "Udder & Son" jig-wig
6. "Time For Music!"
7. "Etch-A-Flesh"
8. "X-Ray: Box-Ray"
9. "Ron Sweet's Laser Legs"
10. "Stretch Armsoff"
Compiled by Pun-Ching
Sponsored by Fin-dishplan
SLANG NAMES FOR CONTINUITY ANNOUNCERS
1. No-faces
2. Voice-alones
3. Prog-cement
4. Tell-you-alls
5. Coming-uppers
6. Listen-heres
7. Turn-them-downs
8. Telly-helpers
9. Silk-throats
10. Trailer-boys
Logo accompanied by Soothers
Announced by Moatman
TOP 10 JAMES BOND SPECIAL DEVICES
1. A giant hat-stand
2. A retracting steel wand
3. A bar of soap with smoke coming out
4. A tin which opens to reveal a tap
5. An inflatable raccoon
6. A rope hidden in a kazoo
7. A nappy with a pair of shoes tied on
8. An automatic skeet
9. A Shivering Thomas
10. A book which you open and it guffs
Q beaten by Blofeld
Aston trashed by Pussy
TOP 10 NEW BINGO-NUMBER SHOUTS
1. "Pygmy's daughter - number three!"
2. "Giant twin dogs - seventy-seven!"
3. "Fat man's firework - eight!"
4. "Shame of a clown - thirteen!"
5. "Burning annexe - twenty-four!"
6. "Pig on a tray - number two!"
7. "The master's folly - sixty-five!"
8. "Belted earl - thirty-nine!"
9. "Eggshell supper - fifty-one!"
10. "Filth-streaked surface - twelve!"
House called by Gent
TOP 10 FAILED RESTAURANTS
1. The Smoking Chef
2. Dog-Up
3. Wasps'
4. Cash 'N' Carrion
5. The Drunken Hypocrite
6. Lymphatics
7. Cake 'N' Glue
8. The Glass Crouton
9. Thank God It's Pig-Ants
10. Robin's Eczema
Tips stolen by Patron
10 THINGS THAT WOULD NOT WORK IF THEY WERE MADE OUT OF FOIL
1. Rabbits' hearts
2. Escargots
3. Bells (not including tiny bells)
4. Golf clubs
5. Checkpoint Charlie
6. The Berlin Wall
7. KGB Headquarters
8. U2 spy plane
9. Cuban missiles
10. Toadstools
Ali basted by Blood
TOP 10 SLANG NAMES FOR TEACHERS
1. Square-hats
2. Board-standers
3. Mark-men
4. Long-hols
5. Chalkie-talkers
6. Apple-getters
7. Old schoolies
8. Snarling caners
9. Name-tickers
10. Line-givers
Sir beaten by Form
10 REJECTED NAMES FOR TV'S NEWSROUND
1. J. Craven's Pain Beat
2. Stars In Their Eyes
3. What's It All About, Johnny?
4. Disasters For Kids
5. The Subliminal Hatred Show
6. Through The Powered Lens
7. Events-O-Vision
8. The Invisible Lie
9. Two Pipes And A Flattie
10. Super Hour
Countryfile showered with Keys
10 THINGS WALTER RALEIGH BROUGHT BACK AND INTRODUCED TO BRITAIN
1. Headphones
2. L-plates
3. Buzzers
4. Soup
5. Fly-spray
6. Poppers
7. Milk
8. X-rays
9. Hubs
10. Dragons
Chocs eaten by Aztecs
OUR TOP 10 "PHONE GAMES"
1. Detective Sgt Szemanski
2. Radio Central Trivia Quiz
3. Record Breakers/biggest welder
4. Radio Central "Sing Songs For Prize"
5. Record Breakers/Cheese-On-Trolleys
6. Angry butcher/butcher boy's parents
7. "I sell slates"
8. Angry tradesman/headmaster
9. "Your son is 'different'"/parents
10. "We know"
Compiled by Pare-NT3 Phonebill
Sponsored by Gig-gils
WHERE ARE THEY NOW? MR BIFFO'S TOP 10 SCHOOLYARD "CHUMS"
1. "No-Eyes" Barnes
2. "Leech" Samuels
3. "Slimy" Gaylor
4. Fitzgerald
5. "Mushroom Hair" Wilson
6. "Pegs"
7. "Delightful Spread" Haynes
8. "Larry"
9. Matthew "Bum-Bum"
10. Kardarni Or Whatever His Name Was
Wispa Smears Wiped-Off By Muth-A
Sponsored by Crispik
MR BIFFO'S 10 PARLOUR GAME "CONCEPTS"
1. Snap The Vicar!
2. Mr Speculum!
3. Test The Tobacco!
4. Colostrum!
5. Fun With Fungus!
6. Whacko!
7. Waco!
8. The Mad Mauve Muskellunge Maze!
9. Rolag Roulette!
10. Punch The Patriot!
Cheesy Whiff Spread By Flake-Oh
Sponsored by G Glitter
MR HAIRS' TOP 10 SWAN FACTS
1. Swans live in big, shiny kettles
2. Swans can pull a horse's leg off
3. Swans wings are made of pewter
4. Swans come in four sizes
5. Swans tell terrible, terrible lies
6. Young swans are called "Nowdees"
7. Swans have been known to smell odd
8. Swans sometimes hide bits of paper
9. Swans congregate to "Roll The Rod"
10. Swans never drop things
Fisto Soothed By Mit-Ten
Sponsored by Worry Whistles
MR HAIRS' TOP 10 FAMOUS LAST WORDS
1. I won't fall over
2. No-one's gonna push no farmer
3. I float
4. I can swallow ten dice
5. I am going to get an egg
6. I probably won't die
7. Come on horsey, stroke my throat
8. I'm never going to eat grapes again
9. Well, isn't this nice?
10. My father is a phoenician trader
Hoop-Fruit Picked By Swan-Ner
Sponsored by Parsun
MR CHEESE'S TOP 10 MEMORIES FROM SCHOOL
1. Paper plane bombing run/first year
2. Burning chemistry notes "mystery"
3. Physics "fireworks"/pliers hurling
4. Friend in pond/Epping Forest odour
5. "10 minute tower" stunt display
6. Trips to "The Smoker's Gaff"
7. OMWAB - "Old Man With A Beard"
8. The "Duncan On Concrete" Game
9. Typical Boadie "Do's" and "Says"
10. "Indiana Jones"/huge wooden doors
Burning Ties Lit By Hot-O-Flame
Sponsored by R J Batchelor MA
MR CHEESE'S TOP 10 WAYS TO MAKE GAMES BETTER BY MUCKING AROUND
1. Indy 500/destroying other cars
2. Hired Guns/murdering team-mates
3. Sim Farm/animal starvation
4. Pilot Wings/parachute "failure"
5. Kick Off 2/"injuring time"
6. John Madden/constant "fake punts"
7. Summer Games/high diving into R
8. Starwing/shooting "Peppy"
9. Sim City/creating police state
10. Bak 2 Skool/riding bike in corridor
White Bear Stroked By Con-Cert-Oh
Sponsored by Mar-tin
MR CHEESE'S TOP 10 OWN INVENTIONS
1. Great "Taste Your Tea" Joke
2. Fantastic "hen" artwork
3. "Office-Chair Battle Game"
4. "The Villa-Victory Dance"
5. "Catch and Volley" football
6. "The Merchant Report"
7. "The Battle Bike"
8. Airwolf/empty bottle/oxygen supply
9. "The Sunday Roast Sandwich"
10. Self-indulgence days/pudding frenzy
Creme de Salad Dropped By Beg-Gar
Sponsored by O R P McGrath
TOP 10 CHRISTMAS "DISASTERS"
1. Christmas/wrong family "realisation"
2. Family feud/pistol duel
3. Napalm in party poppers "adjustment"
4. "Mistletoe overdose" exhaustion
5. Too much brandy/grandad/hospital
6. Batteries in fire/toxic fumes
7. Santa/chimney/beard-black/soot-sack
8. Stuffing/deadly poison "mix-up"
9. Breeze block/"plum duff"
10. "The tree, it came to life!"
Fowlbird stuffed with Sag-Oh
Sponsored by Sos-uh-geez
TOP 10 REJECTED GLADIATOR NAMES
1. Mole
2. Frog
3. Pence
4. Gravel
5. Whoosh
6. Soot
7. Monkey
8. Charm
9. Horsie
10. Flans
Wolf-Man baited by Punt-ers
Dilapidated by Alopecia
TOP 10 SLANG NAMES FOR ASTRONAUTS
1. Silver-skins
2. Onion-heads
3. Orbit-boys
4. Slow-movers
5. Float 'uns
6. Toilet-suits
7. Bag-piddlers
8. Granule-mouths
9. Sack-sleepers
10. French buzzers
Moon impaled by Flag
Dusted by Golfers
TOP 10 PUBLISHING FAILURES
1. Little Pigs Today
2. The Feather-Weaver
3. Amateur Policeman
4. Woman's Volcanic Monthly
5. Tiny Little Pigs Today
6. Favourite Holiday Snaps
7. Sour-Scope
8. The Donkey Shaver
9. Beak Collector
10. Amateur Chinaman
Journals syndicated by Docs
Devoured by Kings
TOP 10 STAR TREK CATCHPHRASES
1. "C'mon Bones, get in the iron toad!"
2. "That's terrible news, Davros!"
3. "Captain, you're tearing me!"
4. "Dack, hit the rack, Dack!"
5. "Spock, you fat rover!"
6. "See! Klingons do like house music!"
7. "The captain's wands are so heavy!"
8. "Romulans? More like wire-boys!"
9. "Scotty, pretend to be a snowman!"
10. "Mr Sulu, I'm about to slide on!"
Uhu-ra sated by Tribbles
Furred up by Log
10 REJECTED CONCEPTS FOR "CASPER"
1. The Over-Friendly Man
2. The Escaped Arsonist
3. The Re-animated Carcass
4. The Punctured Bladder
5. The Bent Copper
6. The Communist Sympathiser
7. The Jack-Booted Fanatic
8. The Dying Pigeon
9. The Infected Pony
10. The Giant Mollusc
Cartoon rejected by Bates
Sworn at by Jury
10 REJECTED PERFUME BRAND-NAMES
1. Skimmed Remedy
2. Giant Fist
3. Lymph
4. Fuggety Gin
5. Boiled Paint
6. Scurf
7. Alpine Stench
8. Swamp Truncheon
9. Tripod
10. Burning Sphinx
Vapour inhaled by Taylor
Shuttered by Egoist
TOP 10 REJECTED FIREWORKS
1. The Flaming Bean
2. Bath Of Sparks
3. Golden Effect Show
4. Massive Collision
5. Whizzing Jason
6. Fence-Burnet/Burner
7. Molten Bullets
8. Basic Instinct
9. Smouldering Crampons
10. The Proton Denial
Code ignored by Uncle
OUR TOP 10 NEW PUBLICATIONS
1. The Big Red Bread Bin Book
2. Ah, Nanny Comic!
3. Mo' Dog Monthly
4. Wither Boat Or Weather Bridge?
5. Sup-Sup-Supple-Supper-Supplement
6. How To Thrash Your Rubber Brother
7. Food And Snowmen
8. Quick Steps To Pod Browning
9. Th' Murd' Gui'
10. Straddled!
Stupid limbs fractured by Ham-mers
Sponsored by Hugh-ie
10 OTHER NAMES FOR DENTISTS
1. Multi-headed drill boys
2. Rubber-gloved gum-pokers
3. Six-month postcard hasslers
4. Pink-water rinsers
5. Sugar-dissauders
6. Handheld-mirror prodders
7. Squeaky silver-fillers
8. Over-chair leaners
9. Green-mask gassers
10. Enamel-burners
Gums numbed by Syringe
10 PUNCHLINES TO GOOD JOKES
1. "Because he looked like a womb!"
2. "Brent Cross!"
3. "A pilgrim's bottom!"
4. "No thanks, I'm a wire-eater!"
5. "And then his top came off!"
6. "Well, you should see his chest!"
7. "Because pigs don't like that!"
8. "A giant's fist!"
9. "Two pipes and a flattie!"
10. "And then he showed us his bottom!"
Crackers pulled by Arsonist
10 NAMES DR WHO MIGHT HAVE CONSIDERED FOR K9
1. Scamp
2. Boss Hook
3. Gooner
4. Tar-Dog
5. Schofield
6. Castor-Feet
7. Headstone
8. Fee-Line
9. Dave
10. Whigfield
Master disturbed by Musk
10 FAMOUS LAST WORDS
1. Why have you sharpened this spoon?
2. I really love drinking poison!
3. Rooms don't just fill up with sand!
4. What's that stuff in your mouth?
5. It's OK, I saw this on Dr Who
6. Who ever heard of a killer cockerel?
7. This scarf makes a great parachute!
8. This isn't a real cannon?
9. Now I'm going to dry-clean myself
10. That's nothing: I can swallow a loom
Stuff done by Them
10 REJECTED DISPOSABLE RAZORS
1. Pocket Beater
2. 12 Angry Blades
3. Little Face-Hair-Go
4. Shave 'N' Stave
5. Power Window
6. Hair Cannon
7. Mountain Brand
8. Action Brother
9. Fluid Burst
10. Sour-Cheeks
Best got by Man
TOP 10 DISCARDED CRISP FLAVOURS
1. Smoked Offal
2. Sand & Feathers
3. Bull-Knuckle Cocktail
4. Cheese Melba
5. Peach & Paint
6. Spicy Tongue Chutney
7. Vodka & Onion
8. Soft Resin
9. Coffee & Vinegar
10. Caribbean Nitrate
Snacks Stamped On by Daddy
Eaten by Night
10 THINGS LEONARDO DA VINCI INVENTED
1. Scarves
2. Realistic Rubber Horses
3. Radio 4
4. Smooth Biscuits
5. Whoopee Cushions
6. Hats For Monkeys
7. Boots
8. Paintings
9. Scrumpy
10. Fangs
Mona doodled by Forg-ers
Sold off by Scoundrel
10 REAL DENTISTS' NAMES
1. Mr John Teeth
2. Dr Gerry Placke
3. Mr Teeth McDonald
4. Dr Molar Fillings
5. Dr Jeremy Dentures
6. Mr Canine Powers
7. Mr False-Teeth
8. Dr Ultrabrite
9. Mr David Kirkpatrick
10. Mr Mercury Drillmouth
Gums infected by You
10 REJECTED "NEWSROUND" STORIES
1. The Crying Pig Show
2. The Communist Dinner-Ladies
3. Slit-Gut The Panda
4. Nicky Feathers' Corn Lady
5. The Giant Silencer
6. Lead Fumes From Exotic Fiction
7. Dead Geologist Found In Nightclub
8. The Neon Archivist
9. Voltage From Vixens
10. Pol Pot's Old Pot
Craven removed by Hair
Sent to Coventry
10 NAMES FOR A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT VETS
1. One Damned Vet
2. Dog Snatchers
3. Who Vets The Vet's Vest?
4. Very Vets
5. V.E.T.S.
6. Vet Cemetery
7. Vets Win Prizes
8. D.I.S.C.O.
9. Vietnam Vets: The Vet Offensive
10. Vetola Tombola!
Surgeon spayed in error
10 FUTURISTIC INVENTIONS
1. Little Chairs On Wheels
2. Round Front Doors
3. Really Good Cameras
4. Clothes That Melt While You Sleep
5. Spring-Loaded Books
6. Invisible Cars
7. Silver Dogs
8. Massive Electric Coins
9. Rubber Gin Barrels
10. Clockwork Tramps
21st Century begun by Sinclair
10 FORGOTTEN 1970S SIT-COMS
1. "Mother, I'm Bleeding"
2. "The Animal-Skin Dictionary Show"
3. "Ugly John"
4. "Those Tiny Neighbours"
5. "My Dad's A Chinaman"
6. "We're Only Open For Four Hours!"
7. "The Goitre Children"
8. "Flakey-Face And Son"
9. "Harvey Brass-Legs"
10. "Don't Kick The Commode, Vicar"
Manger bust by Lions
10 THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE
1. Two dogs, but one is out of control
2. A brake on a path
3. The Turin strap
4. A sergeant running through a jungle
5. An inflatable fire
6. Disposable icons
7. A ferret with a bit of froth on it
8. Someone carrying a bell
9. An astronaut with bushy eyebrows
10. A really good slide
Desires kindled in Moat
Swung at by Sorcerer
10 THINGS DOGS WOULD SAY IF THEY TALKED
1. "Mama, I just killed a man!"
2. "Dogs are the best runners"
3. "I have one... two... three legs!"
4. "But I still can't read"
5. "Where am I?"
6. "I can see you..."
7. "Mama, oooh-oooh-ooh-ooh"
8. "I have little need for a hat"
9. "Do you like my mouth?"
10. "I wish I knew what I was saying"
Scooby Frightened by Uncle
Fed by Shaggy
10 NAMES FOR CRAZY GOLF HOLES
1. "The Bloodied Mesh"
2. "Spit, Daddy, Spit"
3. "Shell, Ball: How Funny!"
4. "Binny's Revenge"
5. "Roly's Eyes"
6. "The Masonic Pillow"
7. "Hangman's Holdall"
8. "Ursus"
9. "Tower Of Subversion"
10. "Whistling Anthrax"
Putter stolen by Mother
Sold by Father
TOP 10 WAYS TO CHANGE A CAR TYRE
1. Punch it off
2. Peel it over the bonnet
3. Shut the door on it
4. Blow it away
5. Make it fall off
6. Bury it in ash
7. Spin it, then melt it
8. Just drive it off
9. Pretend it isn't there
10. Say that it's OK
Rubber unconcerned by Flames
Inhaled by Nielsen
10 THINGS MODERN WITCHES PUT IN POTIONS
1. Paint
2. Crisps
3. Fag ash
4. Tippex
5. Glue
6. Strips of spandex
7. Dog mess
8. Syringes
9. Traditional lemonade
10. Houmous
Coven invaded by Scum
TOP 10 BEST MEMBERS OF THE BEATLES
1. Pete Best
2. Stuart Sutcliffe
3. Wotsit Farrz
4. Django Moonn
5. Placebo Gridd
6. Tuxedo Wangg
7. Gumbo Kayakk
8. Mungo Ajarr
9. Mayo Vass
10. Ringo Starr
Revolver censored by PLEP
10 LITTLE-KNOWN MR MEN
1. Mr Aztec Camera
2. Mr Vodka
3. Mr Purity Controller
4. Mr Blow-Off
5. Mr Prisoner
6. Mr Gargoyle
7. Mr Knife
8. Mr Shatter-Skin
9. Mr Thong
10. Mr John Grahame
Hargreaves misled by Tramp
10 SHAMED TV GLADIATORS
1. Perfick
2. Headmaster
3. Vacuum
4. Ball-Bearing
5. Pigston
6. Amadeus
7. Distemper
8. Myopia
9. Policeman
10. Corky
Shadow punished by Ref
10 BANNED CABARET ACTS
1. Phillip Ethon’s Nocturnal Swine
2. The Muslin Brothers
3. El Spasm
4. The Drunken Woman
5. Icicle James
6. Stuart The Little Bachelor
7. Dickie Hedges And “Dribbler”
8. Dickie Hedges And “Nick-Nack”
9. Dickie Hedges And “Dipesh”
10. Dickie Hedges And “Monitor”
Artists imprisoned by Beak
10 UNSUCCESSFUL CLOWNS
1. The Angel Of Death
2. Honker
3. David Carlyle
4. Stink-Waist
5. The Freshie Bonus
6. Mr Giant Pig-Trousers
7. Electric Fist
8. Profanity James
9. Fizzer
10. Professor Vodka
Buckets filled with Fluff
Thrown at Poodles
10 COUGH MIXTURES FROM AROUND THE WORLD
1. Das Hack-Itt – Austria
2. Breath-Non – Luxembourg
3. Hola Pola-Throat – Portugal
4. Shut Off! – Lebanon
5. Tikell-Storm – Singapore
6. Health Bonus – North Korea
7. Mukus Finish – Turkey
8. Mountain Brand – Sri Lanka
9. Pop-Pop Drops – Jersey
10. Laser Brand – Sri Lanka
Linctus mixed with Ale
10 NEW TV MEDICAL DRAMAS
1. Debbie Goblin, MD
2. Doctor In Utero
3. Blood Brothers
4. The Queen’s Swann
5. Crimson Tide
6. Srub Up, Scrubbers!
7. Surgery Of Love
8. The Aqua-Planing Doctors
9. Stitch-It
10. Dr Lason, Medical Knickers
Patients ignored by Vet
THE TOP 10 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
1. A brake on a path
2. Two climbers Frenching
3. Three lawnmower men learning
4. Four furnaces with eyes
5. Five gi-ant bras!
6. Six spiders walking about
7. Seven salmon screaming
8. Eight lumps a-lumping
9. Nine tent-flaps opening
10. Ten tellies turning into hives
Lords loved by swans
10 GIFTS REJECTED BY THE THREE WISE MEN
1. Premier League crisps
2. Colouring book
3. Steven Fry’s “The Liar”
4. Connect 4
5. Joke wobbly beer glass
6. Charlatans CD
7. “Spaceman Matey” bubble-bath
8. “Street Combat” Action Man
9. Torvill & Dean video
Infant housed in Manger
10 FAILED CABARET MAGIC ACTS
1. David Le Impact
2. Necrosis
3. Dickie Hedges And Paresh
4. The Smashers
5. For Whom The Bell Tolls
6. Barnaby And Sons
7. The Incredible Horshume
8. The Spectacle Of Magnets
9. Vincent C. Terror
10. Dickie Hedges And Horshume
McGee sawn by Daniels
TOP 10 CHRISTMAS ACCIDENTS
1. Full-on tree-swallowing
2. Turkey creates vacuum: sucks you in
3. Bauble-oral
4. Lucy in the fire with presents
5. Quality Street tin has a scorpion in
6. Brandy butter gets venom put in it
7. Wrapping paper knocks radio over
8. Nan jumps up and down on you
9. Toys come to life by accident
10. More bauble-oral
Manger bust by Lions
10 HEALTHY ALTERNATIVES TO BUTTER
1. Wet sand
2. Marzipan
3. Post-It notes
4. Phlegm
5. Eggy water
6. Pate
7. Fish fat
8. Bone paste
9. Sunflower margarine
10. Soya spread
Sponsored by Mr Bread
10 FAILED CABLE TV CHANNELS
1. The Potato Channel
2. SDTV (Sausage Dog Television)
3. Tramps On Glue
4. UK Cigars
5. The Lorry Channel
6. UK Brown
7. Dark TV
8. Channel Beltane
9. Bradent!
10. The Burst Pig Bladder Channel
C1 seen by No-One
10 TEN FISH & CHIP SHOPS
1. Plaice Of Worship
2. Cod On The Rock
3. Stupid Boy Pike’s
4. Cod In Heaven
5. Fanny Haddock’s
6. Roe, Roe, Roe With Chips
7. Softly Softly Eat-Ee Scampi
8. Pump Up The Bass
9. Eels Are Good
10. Shrimps’ Tea Party
Grease smeared on Beale
10 PEOPLE WHO WOULD MAKE A REALLY BAD DOCTOR WHO
1. Nigel out of EastEnders
2. John McCririck
3. Noddy Holder
4. David Hasselhoff
5. Nicholas Lyndhurst
6. Big Daddy
7. Giant Haystacks
8. The British Bulldog
9. Hulk Hogan
10. The Chuckle Brothers
10 THINGS THAT WOULD BE FUNNY TO WEAR ON YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU WALK INTO A BUTCHER'S
1. Hockey mask
2. Bowler hat
3. Darth Vader helmet
4. Cardboard box
5. Wind sock
6. Flower arrangement
7. T-shirt
8. A pork chop
9. Two lamb chops
10. Mickey Mouse ears
10 FLAVOURS OF CRISP WHICH ARE NOT A GOOD IDEA
1. Milk and Onion
2. Giant Pea
3. Jalapeno Crusts
4. Diver's Throat
5. Sausage and Oat
6. Oat
7. Frost and Oat
8. Strawberry
9. Balloon and Dust
10. Brut
10 CHARACTERS REMOVED FROM THE FINAL DRAFT OF STAR WARS
1. Sooty
2. Lucas Georgewalker
3. Sweep
4. AC/DC
5. Dan Oreo
6. Mike Vader
7. Stan Rolo
8. Darth Vader Jnr
9. Cam Rope-oh
10. Hans Polio
10 SUGGESTED CHARACTERS FOR NINTENDO'S NEXT MARKETABLE MASCOT
1. Punchy The Chef
2. Douglas Muir The Cat
3. The Shuffler
4. Dr Eggy-Bread
5. Mollusc Barton
6. Barton Fink
7. Fink The Cat
8. Finky The Chef
9. Dynamo Boobry
10. Poovey Stuart
11. Dougal Moulton The Chef
12. Harris
10 ANIMALS NOT YET USED AS PLATFORM GAME CHARACTERS
1. Thrush
2. Ostrich
3. Dodo
4. Kangaroo
5. Balloon rabbit
6. Shrew
7. Panda
8. Wasp
9. Carp
10. A big snake
10 LINES CUT FROM THE PHANTOM MENACE
1. "Where's the toilet on this thing?"
2. "Darth Vader? Here? In my bed?"
3. "Sorry, Jabba. I thought that was your mouth."
4. "Why did you have to drop our guns in that pot of cooking
oil? I can't keep hold of mine now."
5. "But I'm not wearing any trousers."
6. "Curse this space arthritis!"
7. "I bet I can run through that solid brick wall."
8. "If you're a Jedi, why are you wearing that Radiohead
T-shirt?"
9. "I bet this never happened to Flash Gordon."
10. "Stop it. I'm really drunk."
10 REASONS WHY VAMPIRES ARE RUBBISH
1. They have no reflection, hence they must take a chance on
their hair.
2. They are unable to eat chicken kiev.
3. One silver bullet can kill them. No, wait that's
hunchbacks, or something...
4. They can turn into bats. So what? Humans can
sunbathe.
5. They think crosses are scary.
6. They're also too scared to step over running water or
something. What?
7. Their main method of attack is to bite someone.
8. Vampires are stupid.
9. And they probably stink.
10. Stupid idiots.
10 REJECTED TITLES FOR THE LATEST SEQUEL TO "HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS"
1. Honey, I Slapped Your Dad
2. Honey, I Burnt Your Hat
3. Honey, I Ate Some Wool
4. Honey, The Kids Are All Right
5. Honey, I'm An Alcoholic
6. Honey, Where's Me Troosers?
7. Honey, Your Pain Is My Pain
8. Honey, I Will Kill Again
9. Honey, Mmm, Delicious Honey!
10. Honey, There's Been An Accident
11. Honey, I Spilt The Beans
12. Honey, You Really Must Visit The Digitiser Web Site: It's Great
TOP 13 REJECTED TITLES FOR JURASSIC PARK
1. Jurassic Zoo
2. Jurassic Mall
3. Dinotime
4. Prehist-o-Park
5. Extinct-o-ville
6. Attack Of The Killer Lizards
7. Goldblum Hour
8. Here They Come Again!
9. The Awful Ones
10. Roar!
12. Whooosh!
13. The Digitiser Web Site
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.
