The master himself - The Man's Daddy appeared to us completely unannounced one day in March 1995, when we least expected it. The Man was unwell with a case of The Fear, and his Daddy had agreed to stand in for him. So began a legend - over the next week his incredible skill for telling disjointed jokes that made no sense won him quite a number of followers.
People wrote in asking for more, but after appearing just a few more times he was gone, with Digi insiting that "The Man's Daddy will return, but he won't be telling any more jokes". Of course this turned out to be not entirely true, as early in 1996 he made a most-welcome comeback appearance, before a much longer hiatus. This lasted until the middle of 1998, where he returned to become a semi-regular fixture for the rest of Digi's run, and unquestionably one of the most popular characters ever. Hurray for The Man's Daddy!
ANSWER: At the top of his profession!
ANSWER: "Dear sir, pie-yard gone now."
ANSWER: It's because there's a massive mastodon here.
ANSWER: A tramp.
QUESTION: Tramp who?
ANSWER: A tramp on a bike on a ramp!
ANSWER: What happened to them?
QUESTION: I want to know that.
ANSWER: Ha-ha hah!
ANSWER: Relish hour.
ANSWER: He knocked the shell down, and called me an idiot!
ANSWER: A TV studio!
ANSWER: If you stay there will be trouble!
ANSWER: It's because skinheads are looking in the window.
ANSWER: Then get to the back of the 34C!
ANSWER: Ole Shiny.
ANSWER: They probably think there's a big roastie down there!
ANSWER: Monie Monie!
ANSWER: It was because they'd just been on a survival course, and were going to the cinema to unwind.
ANSWER: Dogrun Brown
ANSWER: Here we go again!
ANSWER: Dom' pet vehicle-er!
ANSWER: A Dalek!
ANSWER: A swigloo!
ANSWER: A footman's wig!
ANSWER: Pudding Gentleman Type B!
ANSWER: That your dad was as fun as me!
ANSWER: Because they're not properly tuned in!
ANSWER: They're full of gas!
ANSWER: For when he's out "capering" and buying "masking tape"!
ANSWER: Because they're evil mutants!
ANSWER: Up his sleevies!
ANSWER: Too much calcium!
ANSWER: The Littlest Hobo!
ANSWER: Because the branch where he used to live got made into a kennel by Farmer Palmer-Tomkinson!
ANSWER: So they can pretend to be alien bumble bees if they get caught!
ANSWER: Because in the winter, in the north, a giant robot called the Bird-Killer comes out and tries to kill the birds, so they fly south to evade it.
ANSWER: They just are.
ANSWER: Super Beast 47!
ANSWER: Silly-Belly Spag-Bol!
ANSWER: To stop 'em shiverin'!
ANSWER: Trunkuss soup!
ANSWER: Doctor Pudding!
ANSWER: They're knitting needles!
ANSWER: Catdart Mattan / Katherine Hepburn.
ANSWER: Four wheel-away!
ANSWER: Neigh, neigh, and thrice neigh!
ANSWER: He's a pervert!
ANSWER: Peking Duck (it's not really duck)!
ANSWER: They were kidnapped and tied up by a stalker, but he went out to get a packet of fags and they managed to escape. They fled to a supermarket car park where they hid in the boot of a car in case he came looking for them.
Another intervention from the Teletext sub-editors! At some point in the day, the above joke morphed into the one below. Why? No one knows that.
ANSWER: Because they'd been kidnapped and brutally beaten by a maniac with wild, staring eyes, but had managed to escape and fled to a nearby car park, where they hid in case he came looking for them!
ANSWER: A wasp!
ANSWER: Rooster Hour!
ANSWER: The London Planetarium!
ANSWER: Lots of sheep in a circle!
Biffo has brought it to my attention that the above joke was "censored" for broadcast by the Digi sub-editors. The "Special Edition" is below:-
ANSWER: Sheriff's hair and poo!
ANSWER: Shepherds pie!
ANSWER: Marlowe Zoo!
ANSWER: Time to laugh!
ANSWER: Mr P. Zenter!
ANSWER: He attacked it with a hose!
ANSWER: He was involved in a "sting" operation along with some beekeepers.
ANSWER: He wore a lot of striped cardigans.
ANSWER: King Pig-u (Pingu)!
ANSWER: Priest Control!
ANSWER: My friend's dad!
ANSWER: I'll be alright.
ANSWER: It worked for Trick-fards!
ANSWER: Because the power station operator had gone fission (fishin')!
ANSWER: He had a massive heart attack!
ANSWER: Because wasps might be about!
ANSWER: I-Like Gin-Ness!
ANSWER: Frank Prune-oh!
ANSWER: Spruce Bring-keen!
ANSWER: Rich-yard "Pea" Grant!
ANSWER: Grant Much-well!
ANSWER: Fill Much-well!
ANSWER: Because the "bee" "sting".
ANSWER: He was the absent-minded confessor!
ANSWER: Ness-tar Rant-zen!
ANSWER: Hue Grant!
ANSWER: Drunkston Hive!
ANSWER: Golf Paris (Rolf Harris)!
ANSWER: King Cloth-bee (Bing Crosby)!
ANSWER: Jaz Mann (out of Babylon Zoo)!
ANSWER: In Batman's trousers!
ANSWER: Rabid (David) Dew-clog-bee (Duchovny)!
ANSWER: Because they're "bee-lines" (felines)!
ANSWER: Van-Ness-her (Vanessa) Felt (Feltz)!
ANSWER: Prince Philip!
ANSWER: The Man In The Moon!
ANSWER: The Hive (Jive)!
ANSWER: Paul Bee-Cartney and Wings! They also like Sting and R BEE M.
ANSWER: I dunno - but I'm gettin' outta here!!!!
ANSWER: Ronald Pres-crow!
ANSWER: Tobacco (Chewbacca)!
ANSWER: He "stabba" the "hatt"!
ANSWER: "Hearth Grader" (Darth Vader)!
ANSWER: Dog-mess kneeler (Princess Leia)!
ANSWER: "Hand" Solo!
ANSWER: "Ham" Solo!
ANSWER: K'Paq Kh'ruth!
ANSWER: Pa'h Khrun Bruno K'taqh!
ANSWER: H'run'h Kh'lda P'qah T'hrun!
ANSWER: Because he wanted to achieve a "supple" new look!
ANSWER: He had coldsores!
ANSWER: A menace!
ANSWER: A pink guy lives up there!
ANSWER: Fox Mill-door!
ANSWER: Day-no Skully.
Again, with the sub-editors! Here's how the last two should have read (thanks, Biffo):-
ANSWER: Asian Fox Mill-door!
ANSWER: Asian Day-no Skully.
ANSWER: Fox food!
ANSWER: Jean-Pierre Lollypopman!
ANSWER: Fritz Hose-down!
ANSWER: John Smith - The English Idiot!
ANSWER: Day-vid Bow-wee (David Bowie)!
ANSWER: Knelt-on Pong (Elton John)!
ANSWER: Because the tree "leaves"!
ANSWER: Aim-knee Hairy-Art (Ainsley Harriot)!
ANSWER: Bore-us Car-Loft (Boris Karloff)!
ANSWER: Que? Vin? Key-gran (Kevin Keegan)!
ANSWER: Coca-Goaler (Coca-Cola)!
ANSWER: Gorge Look-us (George Lucas)!
ANSWER: Scary-son Board (Harrison Ford)!
ANSWER: El-tone Joan (Elton John)!
ANSWER: Pull My-cart'-knee (Paul McCartney)!
"So the guy says: 'Yes. One beer for me, and one each for my invisible friends.' So the barman says: 'Invisible friends, sir, but...' Wait a minute. I've got it wrong - this isn't a joke, but a true story about my tragic Uncle Jim."
ANSWER: Beetlejuice videos!
ANSWER: Godzilla Vs Mothra, of course!
ANSWER: Lord Bee!
ANSWER: Wart Dizzy (Walt Disney)!
ANSWER: Sign-field (Seinfeld)!
ANSWER: Eon Peel (Ian Beale)!
ANSWER: Indian Anna-Jo Knows (Indiana Jones)!
ANSWER: Harry-son Four-da' (Harrison Ford)!
ANSWER: Stabba Their Heart (Jabba The Hutt)!
ANSWER: A rind-or-sea-horse (a rhinocerous)!
ANSWER: Washing-ton Disease (Wahington DC)!
ANSWER: Knickerless Rage (the actor Nicholas Cage)!
ANSWER: Brit-knee Spares (Britney Spears)!
ANSWER: My-Wire-Or Hair-Y (Mariah Carey)!
ANSWER: My-Call Owing (Michael Owen)!
ANSWER: Day-Man All-Bran (Damon Albarn)!
ANSWER: Car-Price (Caprice)!
ANSWER: Margate Watcher (Margaret Thatcher)!
ANSWER: Will-he-yum Hay-Guy (William Hague)!
ANSWER: Big Mac And The Jeans Chalk (Jack And The Beanstalk)!
ANSWER: Glow-Bright And The Heaven Drawers (Snow White And The Seven Dwarves)!
ANSWER: Boyz In Da Hood (Babes In The Wood).
ANSWER: Poo-suss In Boots (Puss In Boots)!
ANSWER: Dock-tar Hugh (Doctor Who)!
ANSWER: Pea-tar Gray-brie-hell (Peter Gabriel)!
ANSWER: George "lemon" Harrison!
ANSWER: Miss-tar Brain-son (Mr Bronson)!
ANSWER: Tar-car Hen-king (Tucker Jenkins)!
ANSWER: Da' Tea-pen Watts (Dirty Den Watts)!
ANSWER: Bee Anchor-Klaxon (Bianca Jackson)!
ANSWER: Sewer-san Surrender-one-son (Susan Sarandon)!
ANSWER: Pike-all Leap-on (Michael Keaton)!
ANSWER: Toe-Knee Be-hen (Tony Benn)!
ANSWER: Ceylon Be-on (Celine Dion)!
ANSWER: Vole's Grouse-part Tea (Noel's House Party)!
ANSWER: My Cool Larry Horse's Hiking Ducky (Michael Barrymore's Strike It Lucky)!!!
ANSWER: Sir-prize Surcharge Fizz Silly Duck (Surprise Surprise With Cilla Black)!
ANSWER: Cart-Sheet (Heartbeat)!
ANSWER: Hole-bee Pity (Holby City)!
ANSWER: Hugh's Steam Trains (You've Been Framed)!
ANSWER: Kiss Tar-Rant (Chris Tarrant)!
ANSWER: Day-Leaves Tar-Have-It (Dave Lee Travis)!
ANSWER: Pull Mer-ton (Paul Merton)!
ANSWER: Anger-us Bee-ton (Angus Deaton)!
ANSWER: Glory! A Honey-Ford (Gloria Hunniford)!
ANSWER: Car-on Key-ton (Caron Keaton)!
ANSWER: Frames See Quirk (James T Kirk)!
ANSWER: Dock-tar Phones Macaw (Doctor "Bones" McCoy)!
ANSWER: Ham So-Low (Han Solo)!
ANSWER: Gran Murph'-Parkin' (Grand Moff Tarkin)!
ANSWER: Sharon's Van Frank 'n' Shine (Baron von Frankenstein)!
ANSWER: Foal Head-Mounds (Noel Edmonds)!
ANSWER: Grief Peg-Wind (Keith Chegwin)!
ANSWER: Two-squealer Rocking-Herd (To Kill A Mockingbird)!
ANSWER: Play-vid Copy-feel (David Copperfield)!
ANSWER: Brian, The Glitch, And The Lightbulb (The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe)!
ANSWER: Rhames And The Pie-Ant Beach (James And The Giant Peach)!
ANSWER: Ro-Judge Doll-Tree (Roger Daltrey)!
ANSWER: Pea Trowel-Send (Pete Townsend)!
ANSWER: Ferry and I-Beam (Terry and Irene)!
ANSWER: Marker Fouler (Mark Fowler)!
ANSWER: Sleeve Owing (Steve Owen)!
ANSWER: Soy Heavens (Roy Evans)!
ANSWER: Bra-foe Huw Nero (Bravo Two Zero)!
ANSWER: Bridge-it Phones Dairy (Bridget Jones' Diary)!
ANSWER: Law-rent Loo-Well-In Bovine (Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen)!
ANSWER: Dust-in Huff-man (Dustin Hoffman)!
ANSWER: Ham-Ewe-Hell Smack-son (Samuel L. Jackson)!
ANSWER: E-on Right (Ian Wright)!
ANSWER: Lee-hum Gull-her-car (Liam Gallagher)!
ANSWER: No-Hell Gull-her-car (Noel Gallagher - Liam's brother).
ANSWER: Jaw-non Lay-non (John Lennon)!
ANSWER: Yolk-go Oh-No (Yoko Ono)!
ANSWER: Sill-vest-her Stall-own (Sylvester Stallone)!
ANSWER: Mic-all Bite (Michael Knight)!
ANSWER: Hill Chew-Pittas (Phill Jupitus)!
ANSWER: Chair-hard Dept. Due (Gerard Depardieu)!
ANSWER: Brit-knee's Pea-Ears (Britney Spears).
ANSWER: Hue Grunt (Hugh Grant)!
ANSWER: Le non du Dee's Cap Rio (Leonardo DiCaprio)!
ANSWER: Tron Mall-go-which (John Malkovich)!
ANSWER: Win-on-a Ride-aaah (Winona Ryder)!
ANSWER: Camera-on Deer-has (Cameron Diaz)!
ANSWER: Smell-son Mandy-car (Nelson Mandela)!
ANSWER: Dense-hell Washing-done (Denzel Washington)!
ANSWER: Because the boy was a stingston!
ANSWER: The Valley Of Bronson-warm!
ANSWER: Halfen Fuzz!
ANSWER: A high voice-inducing cake!
ANSWER: Helios 7!
ANSWER: Because the wind "blue"!
ANSWER: The Leap-uss Hang-me-do!
ANSWER: Stingy pie!
ANSWER: Ms Feline Cutler!
ANSWER: Because lots of ginger-haired people live there!
ANSWER: So they can disguise themselves as butterfly nets!
ANSWER: The Age Of Aquari-BUS!
ANSWER: Hanover VII!
ANSWER: He thought it was a nut!
ANSWER: Go west, my son!
ANSWER: Fizz Early (Liz Hurley)!
ANSWER: Mat-hue Skelly (Matthew Kelly)!
ANSWER: The Wasp Indies!
ANSWER: Marr-teen My-crutch-son (Martine McCutcheon)!
ANSWER: A brake!
ANSWER: Spur-tea Sparse (Sporty Spice)!
ANSWER: Brew-sis Will-sis (Bruce Willis)!
ANSWER: His owner was Boneo out of U2!
ANSWER: A place called The Cloud Club!
ANSWER: Using a broom and some dust!
ANSWER: Sci-fi Lab 'Un (Simon Le Bon)!
ANSWER: Ro-Jar Doll-Tree (Roger Daltrey - out of The Who)!
ANSWER: Cress-Moss Dry (Christmas Day)!
ANSWER: Bucks-Ink Dry (Boxing Day)!
ANSWER: He mistook a pot of Tippex for Optrex!
ANSWER: To distract attention from his stupid pants!
ANSWER: The Clow-Clow!
ANSWER: Further Crust-mess (Father Christmas)!
ANSWER: Sand-tar Claws (Santa Claus)!
ANSWER: Gourd-can Wenzels-loss (Good King Wenceslas)!
ANSWER: Strong wind make partridge go cuckoo and then fall down!
ANSWER: Hello-Nana Bow-Nan Cartier (Helena Bonham Carter)!
ANSWER: Can-Earth Ner-Ner (Kenneth Brannagh)!
ANSWER: More-hammerhead Alley (Mohammed Ali)!
ANSWER: Charge Vest (George Best)!
ANSWER: Day-vid Block-ham (David Beckham)!
ANSWER: Chair (Cher)! Allegedly.
ANSWER: There's dung in your milk!
ANSWER: His trunk keeps touching you!
ANSWER: Not too many, I hope - my angling gear is in there!
ANSWER: When it's very cold in there!
ANSWER: Offer it a few words of encouragement, or point a gun at it!
ANSWER: He thought it was a meal!
ANSWER: He pretended to choke on a chrysalis!
ANSWER: He was drunk and scared!
ANSWER: Car Vader (Darth Vader)!
ANSWER: A moss (a moth)!
ANSWER: Roots (Boots)!
ANSWER: Revolving fonts!
ANSWER: Bessie the Moth comes out of your nose!
ANSWER: A "crow-liday" park!
ANSWER: You get an ost-bag!
ANSWER: Sssssth! Ssssssthrrrrrr! Sssss! Ssssthrrrrr! Thrrrrrr!
ANSWER: Helmet Land!
ANSWER: He got "spindle-hands"!
ANSWER: Because they're blind and can't find their beds!
ANSWER: Gus Soundless!
ANSWER: He won the Smellston Award!
ANSWER: Because he thought it was a prehistoric baguette!
ANSWER: Poupon 7!
ANSWER: He became PC Revolver!
ANSWER: Just one. The others have to get on with making the pens!
ANSWER: It was swallowed by a vortex!
ANSWER: Rustle-Crow (Russel Crowe)!
ANSWER: Cray-Grrr Day-vid (Craig David - the R&B sensation)!
ANSWER: You get a big, smelly 'roo!
ANSWER: He did a 'roo in the toilet!
ANSWER: There was 'roo in his pants!
ANSWER: He got his CUSTARD powder confused with MUSTARD powder.
ANSWER: He got his DESSERT confused with a DESERT, and tried to eat the desert, and, unfortunately, the sand was very hot.
ANSWER: A new type of mar-suit-pearl!
ANSWER: Moths can't do that.
ANSWER: It died!
ANSWER: The Beach!
ANSWER: Big Cells (Big Macs)!
ANSWER: Thorax Steel!
ANSWER: Leapin' buds!
ANSWER: Senor Cygnet Electro!
ANSWER: You get "wagon concussed"!
ANSWER: Gin-sniffer Low-Pez (Jennifer Lopez)!
ANSWER: Rory DeBarres!
ANSWER: Mow-bee (Moby)!
ANSWER: PC One-floor!
ANSWER: The Jetson Wasps (Jackson 5)!
ANSWER: To freak out his opponent!
ANSWER: Mushed yams!
ANSWER: He was Copper Coin!
ANSWER: He was trying to slice his head!
ANSWER: In The Ghetto - by Elvis!
ANSWER: Get out of my shoe!
ANSWER: Seal eyes!
ANSWER: Stop hiding behind my stick!
ANSWER: Power Zone!
ANSWER: Seal-ant (sealant)!
ANSWER: Stop going in that thimble!
"Unfortunately, there were so many spare letter 'U's that he couldn't get the drawer closed. He asked his boss, Ben Kenobi, for advice. And do you know what his advice was? Force the 'U's, Luke! Do you get it? It sounds a bit like 'Use the Force'!"
"While this in itself is very amusing, the really funny thing is that the Invisible Man then started painting Richard's trousers, and also threw a bucket of gunge, and a piece of coal at him! Hahah! Brilliant!"
ANSWER: Stop hiding in that bucket!
"Well, the person that worked in the fish and chip shop wasn't very happy when - after handing over two portions of fish and chips - the man threw them back at him. He'd actually ordered 'cotton clips', but the person serving him had misheard! Pretty funny, yeah?"
ANSWER: Get out of my beard!
ANSWER: "Australian scares!"
ANSWER: There was a wasp in it!
ANSWER: Ant-only Hop-kin (Anthony Hopkins - the actor!)
ANSWER: Laugh your eyes out!
ANSWER: A wooden zum-zzzzz!
ANSWER: Brown snow!
ANSWER: Stop hiding in that pile of ash!
ANSWER: Polar Flakes!
ANSWER: The Florida Keys (it's a chain of islands!)
ANSWER: Stop hiding behind that big key!
ANSWER: Chocolate keys!
ANSWER: He used his cape to hide his hairy bottom!
ANSWER: A strangled one!
ANSWER: The fur around his hood!
ANSWER: Robin came along and, laughing, started whacking the door of the closet with a broom!
ANSWER: A cake-rel!
ANSWER: He thought it was a sub!
ANSWER: He phoned Robin, but Robin was out with his mates, and Batman had to flag down another car - and it was being driven by Superman!
ANSWER: A carro' (a crow)!
ANSWER: He was a dogruss!
ANSWER: He blew so hard that the little dried pea thing inside burst! Yes - IT ACTUALLY BURST!
ANSWER: A foamer!
ANSWER: The beadle had knocked over his gruel!
ANSWER: He tried to book in at the caravan park, but the person behind the desk couldn't see him - he could only hear him - and so the Invisible Man had to rub mud into his own face in order to make himself semi-visible!
ANSWER: A "so-wrong" (a swan)!
ANSWER: I "peeeeel" your "segs"!
ANSWER: A tethered bird!
ANSWER: Down a poo-chute!
ANSWER: He'd been altered!
ANSWER: Brushes and keys!
ANSWER: They had an argument over who should go and get the ice creams, and Batman choked to death on a brush!
ANSWER: A cape in the shape of a key!
ANSWER: Donkey Quiz-boat?
ANSWER: He froze up the taps!
ANSWER: In case he made a mess of one!
ANSWER: Do you like potatoes?
ANSWER: Stop hiding in those bristles!
ANSWER: Roast ice!
ANSWER: "Cro" (Magnon)!
ANSWER: He was pretending to be a baby!
ANSWER: A kangaroo who lives in a mattress!
ANSWER: Fuzzy Felts!
ANSWER: His wife had locked him out of the house because they'd had an argument over some straw he'd left all over the living room floor!
ANSWER: He wanted to see if it would make a nice hat!
ANSWER: A creature with a long neck, that can jump really high!
ANSWER: He thought it was a beggar!
ANSWER: In case he had to "belt" a suspect round the head!
ANSWER: A man who arrests people, then attempts to sell them some meat!
ANSWER: I've got a secret pocket in my cape!
ANSWER: An audio-prod!
ANSWER: He wanted it to be smooth!
ANSWER: He wanted to draw attention to himself!
ANSWER: "Give me five!"
ANSWER: He thought it was some air!
ANSWER: It removed my shoe!
ANSWER: A bed spring!
ANSWER: It opened a grill in its neck, and pulsed a toxic foam on to my vest!
ANSWER: "The moon is excellent!"
ANSWER: To stop it touching a plug!
ANSWER: Get out of that air vent.
ANSWER: He ran home and got changed into his favourite cardigan!
ANSWER: A bird with broken wings!
ANSWER: A penguin's ribcage!
ANSWER: Giant potatoes!
ANSWER: The dead one in my pocket!
ANSWER: The beadle had cruelly emptied a scuttle of coal dust into the bowl!
ANSWER: Are you an orange?
ANSWER: Nobody knows that.
ANSWER: I don't even know.
ANSWER: They go to owl land!
ANSWER: Lots of lovely labels!
ANSWER: The Kraken!
ANSWER: They both made an ashtray in the shape of a boat, and then Spider-Man tilted his head back and made a funny hissing sound!
ANSWER: They're made of electricity!
ANSWER: "Buzzcause" they don’t "snow" where to go!
ANSWER: First of all, he forgot to put any sugars in, and then – as he was carrying it over - he cracked off a guff so loud that the cup broke!
ANSWER: First, he got over-charged for a nest of tables. Then he stole the cashier's hairnet! And then, as he was pulling out of the car park, an ice-cream van crashed into the side of his moped, and he cracked one off!
ANSWER: "Feline" fine!
ANSWER: He's a cat burglar (ha ha ha - not really, kids!)
ANSWER: In a bowl of broth!
ANSWER: Because they're drunk!
ANSWER: Edward Snowed-in (Snowden).
ANSWER: His "snow-vard"!
ANSWER: At the waspticians (opticians)
ANSWER: Just-in-finity (Justin Bieber reference, yeah?)
ANSWER: Gordon Rameses (Ramsey).
ANSWER: Because you work in an office.
ANSWER: Because he's a pervert.
ANSWER: A "silbury nut"!
ANSWER: "I wish I was dead!"
ANSWER: Bdolf and Cdolf Hitler!
ANSWER: Your funeral!
ANSWER: A penisn't!
ANSWER: "Look: there's a monster!"
ANSWER: "I'm normally such a good boy!"
ANSWER: It was Branson's handsome Samsung!
ANSWER: Elf reasons (health reasons)
ANSWER: Elven (eleven/11).
ANSWER: Father Christmas (it's the sound his doorbell makes)!
ANSWER: A vape stick!
ANSWER: Walking in the Hair (Walking in the Air)!
ANSWER: A loofah, a badge, and a peeeeeanut!
ANSWER: Santa's funeral!
ANSWER: You'll get tinselitis (tonsilitis).
ANSWER: It's been rubbed raw from shoving it up your mother's arse!!!!
ANSWER: Piltdown Man.
ANSWER: Prawns (out of a busby).
ANSWER: Soulless Jim.
ANSWER: He's choking (it's a choking noise).
ANSWER: Sad-vent calendars.
ANSWER: "Hzzzz Hzzzz HONK!"
ANSWER: It's bleeding.
ANSWER: Elf (Alf).
ANSWER: By repeatedly pulling his pants down!
ANSWER: The chance to stab his least-favourite elf!
ANSWER: They were fairy light (very light)!
ANSWER: That's just when he plopped out!
ANSWER: Branvard (another reindeer) had kicked him in the face!
ANSWER: Inuit (he knew it) was Christmas!
ANSWER: Coup-dolph (Rudolph)!
ANSWER: A myrrh-maid (mermaid)!
ANSWER: He fancied her!
ANSWER: Just really veiny.
- QUESTION: How does Jay-Z contact the dead?
ANSWER: He asks his wife, Seancé
- QUESTION: What's the funniest way to respond when somebody called Lorraine asks what you'd like for your tea?
ANSWER: Shout "Quiche, Lorraine!" furiously, while trembling and twitching!
- QUESTION: What sort of headwear do dentists wear to work?
ANSWER: A molar hat (bowler hat)!
- QUESTION: Why couldn't the baby sheep feel its feet?
ANSWER: It had numb-lamb-limbs!
- QUESTION: What does the "B.B." in B.B. King stand for?
ANSWER: "Burger Burger"
- QUESTION: How do theme park owners track the number of passengers on their rides?
ANSWER: They use a flume log
- QUESTION: What sort of business did Benny Andersson set up when he left the music industry?
ANSWER: ABBA (a bar)!
- QUESTION: Why couldn't the hairdresser decide what to use to style his hair?
ANSWER: "You might as well face it - he was drowning in combs!"
- QUESTION: Why did the conductor arrive at the concert hall with a sack of falcons?
ANSWER: He wanted an all-kestrel (orchestral) performance!
- QUESTION: What is the address of Area 51?
ANSWER: Number 52 Mustard Street!
- QUESTION: If cows go "moo", and sheep go "baa", what noise do civets make?
- QUESTION: Who is the biggest actor in Spain?
ANSWER: Samuel El Jackson (Samuel L. Jackson)!
- QUESTION: What's the best way to deal with diarrhoea?
ANSWER: Clench your anus while handing out the cards
- QUESTION: What did Father Christmas say when he lost his passport?
ANSWER: "It'll turn up"
- QUESTION: Why does Santa dress in red?
ANSWER: So that his psoriasis is less noticeable
- QUESTION: What is a frothman's favourite Christmas movie?
ANSWER: Foam Alone! (Home Alone)
- QUESTION: What did Father Christmas say when he dropped his glove?
ANSWER: "I'd better pick that up"
- QUESTION: What did James Bond have for his Christmas lunch?
ANSWER: 0.07 prawns!
- QUESTION: How do snowmen breathe?
ANSWER: Through their snowstrils (nostrils)
- QUESTION: What type of computer did Adele get for Christmas?
ANSWER: A Dell
- QUESTION: Which of the Three Musketeers is the most festive?
- QUESTION: What does the Earth's mantle celebrate on December 25th?
ANSWER: Crustmas (Christmas)
- QUESTION: What does Santa give his elves for Christmas?
ANSWER: A nude dance with plenty of leg-spreading!
- QUESTION: What's the smelliest part of Rudolph the Reindeer?
ANSWER: His bumhole
- QUESTION: Where do turkeys spend Christmas?
- QUESTION: What's the worst thing to get at Christmas?
- QUESTION: What's long and scaly and made of wood and is full of tools and your dad?
ANSWER: The "shed" skin of a snake!
- QUESTION: What sort of mound is very woolly and silent?
ANSWER: A ssssh-heap! (sheep)
- QUESTION: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
ANSWER: A worm biting into your Adam's apple!
- QUESTION: Why did James Bond wrap the bad man Blofeld in a thin sheet of aluminium?
ANSWER: He wanted to "foil" his plot!!!
- QUESTION: Why is James Bond's boss called M?
ANSWER: It's short for "Martin"!
- QUESTION: What's the best way to wind up a clock?
ANSWER: Keep calling it a watch
- QUESTION: What is Batman's full name?
ANSWER: Bathilda Mannington
- QUESTION: What is Superman's full name?
ANSWER: Jessuper Assman
- QUESTION: What is Spongebob Squarepants' full name?
ANSWER: Spongerobert Squarepants
- QUESTION: What was King Henry 8th know as after 1971?
ANSWER: King Henry 0.125
- QUESTION: Can you complete this Olympic medal sequence: Gold, Silver, Bronze...?
ANSWER: ...Rice Krispies, Tallow and Ghee
- QUESTION: Where does Slenderman live?
ANSWER: On a narrowboat in "Lankyshire" (Lancashire)!
- QUESTION: What do you call a chicken you're not related to by blood?
ANSWER: Step-hen (Stephen)!
- QUESTION: Which pop group was made up of people who were related to one another via their parents' marriage?
- QUESTION: Which other other pop group was made up of people who were related to one another via their parents' marriage?
ANSWER: Steps-Club 7 (S-Club 7)!
- QUESTION: What do you call a man who has just been told by another man to mark a line in his favourite can, using a sharp knife?
ANSWER: My-Tin Score-Says-He (Martin Scorsese)!
- QUESTION: What do you call a man whose sister is covered in fine hairs, and is impressed by the growth in her fields?
ANSWER: Farm-sis Furred Cop-O-La (Francis Ford Coppola)!
- QUESTION: What is a ladder's favourite Disney film?
ANSWER: 'A Ladder' (Aladdin)
- QUESTION: What is a fishmonger's favourite packaging?
ANSWER: Codboard (cardboard)
- QUESTION: Why did Delboy fall through the bar?
ANSWER: He'd suffered a fatal heart attack!
- QUESTION: What is the best SIT-com of all time?
ANSWER: 'Chairs' (Cheers)
- QUESTION: What happened when the canoeist went over a scary weir?
ANSWER: He kayak-ed his pants! (Cacked his pants)
- QUESTION: Who was the hippest monarch?
ANSWER: Queen Pelvictoria. (Queen Victoria)
- QUESTION: What was George Orwell's dentist's favourite book?
ANSWER: Enamel Farm. (Animal Farm)
- QUESTION: What is the opposite of Christmas?
- QUESTION: Why does Father Christmas have such a bulging sack?
ANSWER: He only gets to empty it once a year
- QUESTION: How can Father Christmas see you when you're sleeping?
ANSWER: By not forgetting to leave the curtains open
- QUESTION: Why do we eat roast turkey on Christmas Day?
ANSWER: Raw turkey contains E.coli
- QUESTION: What's the worst thing to find in a Christmas cracker?
ANSWER: A joke with no punchline!
- QUESTION: Are you having a nice Christmas?
- QUESTION: What were Frosty The Snowman's eyes made out of?
- QUESTION: How do dodos celebrate Christmas?
ANSWER: By remembering when they were alive!
- QUESTION: What sort of teeth do reindeer have?
ANSWER: Animal (enamel)
- QUESTION: Did Father Christmas do an accidental vomit on the narwhal?
ANSWER: No, he did it on porpoise (purpose)
- QUESTION: What's the correct way to pronounce "gift"?
- QUESTION: What did the ironic snowman want for Christmas dinner?
ANSWER: Cheese melts!
- QUESTION: Can you complete the lyrics "Silent night, holy..."?
- QUESTION: Why does Father Christmas say "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
ANSWER: It's short for "Horny! Horny! Horny!"
- QUESTION: Why do robins have red breasts?
ANSWER: They've rubbed themselves raw
- QUESTION: What does Father Christmas do the rest of the year?
ANSWER: Uber driver
- QUESTION: What sort of dance did the wasp do at his prom night?
ANSWER: The hive (jive)!
- QUESTION: What was the wasp's favourite band?
ANSWER: Paul McCart-bee And Wings (Paul McCartney And Wings)!
- QUESTION: What did the wasp use to pay for dinner?
ANSWER: Honey (money)!
- QUESTION: What noise do ducks make under water?
- QUESTION: How does Neil Armstrong get to work?
ANSWER: He catches the "Buzz" (bus)!
- QUESTION: How did the juggler ruin the Royal Variety Show?
ANSWER: Bit (a) lad/got sad!
- QUESTION: What happened when the scholars had an argument about a teenage Dutch diarist?
ANSWER: They had "Anne Frank" exchange of views!
- QUESTION: What’s black and white and brown all over?
ANSWER: A nun with diarrhoea!
- QUESTION: What is William Shakespeare best known for?
ANSWER: He was the first ponce!
- QUESTION: How do German bakers greet one another?
ANSWER: "Gluten tag!"
- QUESTION: Who is the patron saint of dinosaurs?
ANSWER: St. Egosaurus
- QUESTION: Why doesn't Elton John approve of risk assessments?
ANSWER: Because he thinks Elton safety's gone mad!
- QUESTION: What's the worst way to say goodbye?
- QUESTION: What do cows take with them to the office?
ANSWER: Their beefcase (briefcase)!
- QUESTION: What is "Del Boy" short for?
ANSWER: Deli Boy
- QUESTION: Who was the most disruptive of Henry VIII's wives?
ANSWER: ASBOleyn (Anne Boleyn)
- QUESTION: Who invented windows?
ANSWER: Seymour Throughwalls!
- QUESTION: What was Benjamin Franklin's favourite sport?
ANSWER: Bennis (tennis)
- QUESTION: Who is your best friend?
ANSWER: "Fantasy" Bongo!
- QUESTION: Why are German cats the unluckiest animals in the world?
ANSWER: Because they have "nein" lives!
- QUESTION: Why was the president of Russia standing atop a 5-star London hotel?
ANSWER: He was Putin on The Ritz!
- QUESTION: What animal says "Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo?"
- QUESTION: Which author's books can you buy through instalments?
ANSWER: Hire-Purchase Lovecraft
- QUESTION: Why did the man say "After eating those nuts my throat has closed up tighter than the American border?"
ANSWER: He had a peanut allegory (allergy)
- QUESTION: Why are elephants your favourite animal?
ANSWER: You're a sucka for trunkz!
- QUESTION: What's the worst bird in the world?
ANSWER: A cackatoo (cockatoo)
- QUESTION: What's the best way to ruin a Harry Potter book?
ANSWER: Write it badly
- QUESTION: Why was Scarlett O'Hara disappointed with her birthday present from Rhett Butler when the river at the bottom of her garden overflowed?
ANSWER: Because frankly, my dear, he didn't give her a dam!
- QUESTION: How long do cats live for?
- QUESTION: Why did the convict have a rainbow coming out of his cell window?
ANSWER: He'd been sent to prism (prison)!
- QUESTION: How smart are dolphins?
ANSWER: Not very smart. They don't even wear formal clothes!
- QUESTION: Which nut comes before all others?
ANSWER: The pre-nut (peanut)
- QUESTION: Why did the singer Robert Palmer keep eating gauntlets and mittens?
ANSWER: You might as well face it – he was addicted to gloves!
- QUESTION: Why did the hunched old man have a gateaux between his shoulder blades?
ANSWER: He suffered from back-cake (backache)!
- QUESTION: Who discovered America?
ANSWER: Rudy Latrine
- QUESTION: What's the most complicated choose-your-own-adventure book ever written?
ANSWER: The Dictionary!
- QUESTION: Who has four legs, comes from Asgard, waves a hammer around, and likes sugar lumps?
- QUESTION: What's the most extreme form of worms?
- QUESTION: What will the pop singer Seal be known as after he dies?
- QUESTION: What did Father Christmas say when he found an eel in his gift sack?
ANSWER: "Well... I wasn't expecting that..."
- QUESTION: What are the main ingredients of a crème brulee?
ANSWER: Commanders' bangs and poo!
- QUESTION: Why was the Chinese chef dead?
ANSWER: He'd committed chop sueycide!
- QUESTION: What's the best sequel of all time?
ANSWER: Queen Elizabeth II!
- QUESTION: What was Buddha's surname?
- QUESTION: Why was the pirate thrown out of the alehouse?
ANSWER: He kept flashing his privates at the bar staff!
- QUESTION: Can you complete the title: "The Shoemaker and the..."?
- QUESTION: How did Robert Downey Jr surprise The Fonz?
ANSWER: Suddenly, he emerged from some bracken!
- QUESTION: What did the big toe say to the little toe?
ANSWER: "Hello, you mouthless wonder!"
- QUESTION: What did Park Won-soon, mayor of the largest city in South Korea, say when he was elected to office?
ANSWER: "I've got Seoul, but I'm not a soldier! I'm a mayor!"
- QUESTION: What's the worst thing to put in a sandwich?
ANSWER: A fire!
- QUESTION: Why are cannibals so shrewd?
ANSWER: Because they are canni' fellows (canny fellows)!
- QUESTION: Why did the farmer nail an artery to the top of his barn?
ANSWER: He wanted to make a weather vein (vane)!
- QUESTION: Who was the smelliest crooner of them all?
ANSWER: Rank Sinatra
- QUESTION: What is the name of Elton John's South African cousin?
ANSWER: Biltong "Apartheid" John!
- QUESTION: Who were the most swollen heroes of all time?
ANSWER: Distenders of the Earth... (Distenders)!
- QUESTION: What do you call an orphan who lives in a crevice?
ANSWER: Cranny (Annie)!
- QUESTION: What is the plural of "Sss!" (the noise snakes make)?
- QUESTION: What goes "ththth!"?
ANSWER: A stutterer!
- QUESTION: Which is the most imbalanced presenting duo on British TV?
ANSWER: Dominant & Dec!
- QUESTION: Where will Noel Gallagher's brother's German mouse be buried after he dies?
ANSWER: In a maus-o-Liam (mausoleum)!
- QUESTION: How do you recall the name of your favourite painter?
- QUESTION: What's that smell?
ANSWER: Broccoli - and onion gravy!
- QUESTION: Which actor always tries to discourage you from paying for postage?
ANSWER: Deterrence Stamp (Terence Stamp)
- QUESTION: Why are dentists so depressed?
ANSWER: Mouths are disgusting
- QUESTION: Why does the Tooth Fairy sneak into your bedroom at night?
ANSWER: Because she's a pervert
- QUESTION: What's the one thing you should never do in the bath?
- QUESTION: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
ANSWER: These ones are very well-trained
- QUESTION: When was Paul Hardcastle born?
ANSWER: The n-n-n-n-nineteenth century!
- QUESTION: What's the worst way to wake up?
ANSWER: With something spraying across your mouth
- QUESTION: Where do French canine leg joints go on holiday?
ANSWER: Dog's Knee Land Paris (Disneyland Paris)
- QUESTION: Where do hirsute truckers go when they die?
ANSWER: "Hair-van" (Heaven)
- QUESTION: What does the "C.S." in C.S. Lewis stand for?
ANSWER: "Corn Starch"
- QUESTION: What does the "J.K." in J.K. Rowling stand for?
ANSWER: "Jesus Killer"
- QUESTION: What did the wasp use to pay for dinner?
ANSWER: Honey (money)!
- QUESTION: What does the "H.G." in H.G. Wells stand for?
- QUESTION: Who said "Do not go gentle into that good night – choo choo!"?
ANSWER: Dylan Thomas The Tank Engine
- QUESTION: Who wears big earrings and delivers letters?
ANSWER: Postman Pat from EastEnders!
- QUESTION: Which fruit gives you an electric shock?
ANSWER: Zapples (apples)!
- QUESTION: Which movie was about war, espionage and government shampoo regulation?
ANSWER: Timotei Law, Soldier, Spy (Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy)
- QUESTION: Who puts the "ulb" in "bulb"?
ANSWER: Ulby "Bulby" Feathers!
- QUESTION: What did Superman say when he ran into a pharmacy just as it was closing?
ANSWER: "TICKETS PLEASE!!!"
- QUESTION: What's the first thing the dentist puts in your mouth when you go for a check-up?
ANSWER: A hot cone!
- QUESTION: What's the best name for a dentist?
- QUESTION: What's the weirdest name for a dentist?
- QUESTION: Where's Wally?
ANSWER: Up your bum
- QUESTION: How do you stop a goose from making noises?
ANSWER: Put a peg on its beak!
- QUESTION: What's a fun way to abbreviate "pamphlet"?
- QUESTION: Why are you in for a big surprise if you go down to the woods today?
- QUESTION: Why did the student eat his homework?
ANSWER: He was having a breakdown
- QUESTION: What did the old volcano say to the new volcano?
- QUESTION: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding half a maggot?
ANSWER: Biting into an apple and finding a murderer!
- QUESTION: Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom?
ANSWER: He was just some dead kid!
- QUESTION: What did the kitten receive for winning Rear of the Year?
ANSWER: The Cat-Ass-Trophy
- QUESTION: What brand of bottled water do birds prefer?
ANSWER: Avian (Evian)
- QUESTION: Why does Santa deliver presents to everyone on Christmas Eve?
ANSWER: He thinks it makes him look like a good person!
- QUESTION: What other part of Rudolph is bright red?
ANSWER: His scrote
- QUESTION: Who prepares the chimney before Santa slides down it?
ANSWER: Pedro Sodd
- QUESTION: Who are the most ironically named badminton players in the world?
ANSWER: Dennis Ball, and Don Wimble.
- QUESTION: Which animal has the largest breasts in the world?
ANSWER: A z-bra.
- QUESTION: Which made-up animal has the smallest breasts in the world?
ANSWER: A duck-billed flattychest.
- QUESTION: Which snake produces milk?
ANSWER: An udder (an adder).
- QUESTION: Which snake helps you clean high windows?
ANSWER: A ladder (an adder).
- QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a wild dog with a fairground ride?
ANSWER: Wolf Ferris (Rolf Harris)!
- QUESTION: What subject are butterflies best at?
ANSWER: Moths (maths).
- QUESTION: What's Elton John's favourite drink?
ANSWER: Bum Ongo(ing)!
- QUESTION: What do you get if you cross Buzz Aldrin with Neil Armstong?
ANSWER: Beil Aldrong.
- QUESTION: What was Rick Astley referring to when he sang "Never gonna give you up?"
- QUESTION: What do you call a man who tries to put an earring in his grandmother's ear, and accidentally ends up hurting her?
ANSWER: Pierce Bruise-Nan (Pierce Brosnan).
- QUESTION: What does Father Christmas eat for breakfast?
ANSWER: Nothing - he just "hums"!
- QUESTION: Why does Batman dress up like a bat?
ANSWER: No real reason - he just really likes bats!
- QUESTION: What happens if you make a Dalek inhale helium?
ANSWER: It talks in a voice that only dogs can hear!
- QUESTION: What does The Man In The Moon put on his dinner?
ANSWER: Gravity (gravy)!
- QUESTION: What hat does he wear?
ANSWER: A crater-bonnet!
- QUESTION: What sort of tiger doesn't have stripes?
ANSWER: A burnt one!
- QUESTION: What do you call a vicar who wears a leather jacket, has a quiff, and rides a motorcycle?
ANSWER: The Font-z!
- QUESTION: What was considered to be the bad artist's worst characteristics?
ANSWER: His poor-traits. (Portraits)
- QUESTION: Which pop star is the biggest idiot?
ANSWER: Bellender Carlisle. (Belinda Carlisle)
- QUESTION: Which singer sounds most like a trumpet?
ANSWER: Trom Bones. (Tom Jones)
- QUESTION: Why can't you feed Gremlins after midnight?
ANSWER: They'll choke to death on one another's scrotums!
- QUESTION: What do you call a man whose son is in a hurry to chew the lower mouth bone of some animal?
ANSWER: Jaw-Gnaw-Son Rush (Jonathan Ross)!
- QUESTION: What do you call a man who heckled me while I was playing a DJ set and scratching the records using a couple of chickens?
ANSWER: Jeer-Me Hen-decks (Jimi Hendrix)!
- QUESTION: Why can't ducks change lightbulbs?
ANSWER: They can't reach the ceiling!
- QUESTION: What's Father Christmas's favourite food?
ANSWER: Crows cooked in snow!
- QUESTION: Why was King Neptune in such a bad mood?
ANSWER: He was Poseid' (beside) himself with anger!
- QUESTION: What was Benjamin Franklin's favourite sport?
ANSWER: Bennis! (Tennis)
- QUESTION: Where do New Age chickens go for solstice?
ANSWER: Stonehen. (Stonehenge)
- QUESTION: What's the worst way to say goodbye to someone?
- QUESTION: Why did the man have a gateaux between his shoulder blades?
ANSWER: He suffered from "back-cake"! (Back ache)
- QUESTION: When will these jokes stop?
ANSWER: Almost immediately
The Man and Digi's Jokes
The Man started telling jokes shortly after we learnt that his daddy would apparently never return, which was eventually disproved. Digi must have missed being able to tell these warped jokes, prompting The Man to gush a number of them in the style of his daddy. Before the paternal jokester returned in 1998, Digi even got in on the act themselves in reply to a few letters, contributing a few more Daddy-style classics to the canon. And... here they are:
ANSWER: Air blows through them
ANSWER: "Hello dude"!
ANSWER: Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats"!
ANSWER: Because it was restricted
ANSWER: No one knows that
ANSWER: Because it had nothing else to do, of course
ANSWER: Brown snow, also known as "impossisnow"!
ANSWER: Don't worry. I'll be all right.
ANSWER: The Easter Bunny!
ANSWER: To see his flat mate!
ANSWER: A motor-pike!
ANSWER: The Vision!
ANSWER: Because the yolk's on you!
ANSWER: One is for the pies, the other is for ice!
ANSWER: Not really!
ANSWER: To keep their stuff in!
ANSWER: Mothdon (London)
ANSWER: Cat piddle
ANSWER: In the snow!
ANSWER: When it's beef!
ANSWER: An ice rink!
ANSWER: In case they get a hole in one!
ANSWER: Open a window!
ANSWER: The blood of their victims
ANSWER: Because the boxing "ring"!
ANSWER: Cat pies!
ANSWER: A Ford (fjord) Longboat
ANSWER: Golf Harris.
ANSWER: Loaf (golf).
ANSWER: Coo knows?!
ANSWER: Adieu (bark)!
ANSWER: Antball! (Football)
ANSWER: Must go fast! Must go faster!
ANSWER: Because of all the words, man!
Do you know any of the much-sought-after early Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me firstname.lastname@example.org with it right now, man.