The Man's Daddy's Jokes

The Best Daddy Around!

The Man's Daddy

The master himself - The Man's Daddy appeared to us completely unannounced one day in March 1995, when we least expected it. The Man was unwell with a case of The Fear, and his Daddy had agreed to stand in for him. So began a legend - over the next week his incredible skill for telling disjointed jokes that made no sense won him quite a number of followers.

People wrote in asking for more, but after appearing just a few more times he was gone, with Digi insiting that "The Man's Daddy will return, but he won't be telling any more jokes". Of course this turned out to be not entirely true, as early in 1996 he made a most-welcome comeback appearance, before a much longer hiatus. This lasted until the middle of 1998, where he returned to become a semi-regular fixture for the rest of Digi's run, and unquestionably one of the most popular characters ever. Hurray for The Man's Daddy!

 

  • QUESTION: Where would you find the best wasp in the world?

    ANSWER: At the top of his profession!

  • QUESTION: How many racers would it take to change a bull's face for once?

    ANSWER: Four - three to change it for another. One to eat.

  • QUESTION: When you get a seed in your pie, and a weirdo in your yard, how would you ask them both to leave?

    ANSWER: "Dear sir, pie-yard gone now."

  • QUESTION: Why is it that whenever you get into a really hot bath, an alarm goes off and your mum comes in?

    ANSWER: It's because there's a massive mastodon here.

  • QUESTION: What would you call a man with a pig for a wife, a wife for a dog, and a cloth for a pig?

    ANSWER: Pig-ston!

  • QUESTION: Knock, knock, who's there?

    ANSWER: A tramp.
    QUESTION:     Tramp who?
    ANSWER:     A tramp on a bike on a ramp!

  • QUESTION: Doctor, doctor, I've got a swollen peanut in my pocket. I'm scared.

    ANSWER: Don't be scared, it's probably only a shrivelled shrimp!

  • QUESTION: There was this Englishman, Irishman and a Welsh.

    ANSWER: What happened to them?
    QUESTION:     I want to know that.
    ANSWER:     Ha-ha hah!

  • QUESTION: What do you call it when you have eaten too much relish, but would like some more?

    ANSWER: Relish hour.

  • QUESTION: Yesterday, I saw a man balancing a shell on his trike. I asked him why he was doing this. What was his response?

    ANSWER: He knocked the shell down, and called me an idiot!

  • QUESTION: Where would you be if you could see a lighthouse, a greenhouse and a snail's house?

    ANSWER: A TV studio!

  • QUESTION: Waiter, should I stay or should I go now?

    ANSWER: If you stay there will be trouble!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with a pig for a pocket?

    ANSWER: Pork-doors!

  • QUESTION: Why do you always think about skinheads in the bath?

    ANSWER: It's because skinheads are looking in the window.

  • QUESTION: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a sort of bra-size!

    ANSWER: Then get to the back of the 34C!

  • QUESTION: Two donkeys go into a pub. When they get in, what do they order?

    ANSWER: Chicken.

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with a crab for a nose, diamonds for eyes, and a bag for a gob?

    ANSWER: Ole Shiny.

  • QUESTION: Why do birds fly south in winter?

    ANSWER: They probably think there's a big roastie down there!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with no hips and no passion for life?

    ANSWER: Hiponaut!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who looks like Batman, but instead of a bat symbol on his chest, he has a picture of the Mona Lisa?

    ANSWER: Monie Monie!

  • QUESTION: Why did the Englishman, the Irishman and the Scotsman go into the cinema carrying a raft, some matches, a survival kit and an axe?

    ANSWER: It was because they'd just been on a survival course, and were going to the cinema to unwind.

  • QUESTION: What do you call a dog with a net for a face, a slice for a spine and a spike for a sweater?

    ANSWER: Dogrun Brown

  • QUESTION: What did the doctor say to the man with no upper torso or legs?

    ANSWER: Here we go again!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with a cat for a car, and a dog for a truck?

    ANSWER: Dom' pet vehicle-er!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with one arm and no sternum?

    ANSWER: A Dalek!

  • QUESTION: Where does Santa Claus live?

    ANSWER: A swigloo!

  • QUESTION: What do you wear to a ball?

    ANSWER: A footman's wig!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with bread and butter pudding on his head?

    ANSWER: Pudding Gentleman Type B!

  • QUESTION: What do you wish for?

    ANSWER: That your dad was as fun as me!

  • QUESTION: Why do bees buzz?

    ANSWER: Because they're not properly tuned in!

  • QUESTION: How do swans float?

    ANSWER: They're full of gas!

  • QUESTION: Why does Batman wear a mask and a cape?

    ANSWER: For when he's out "capering" and buying "masking tape"!

  • QUESTION: Why do Scottish people have ginger hair and pale skin?

    ANSWER: Because they're evil mutants!

  • QUESTION: Where does Grant Mitchell keep his gun?

    ANSWER: Up his sleevies!

  • QUESTION: Why are bones white?

    ANSWER: Too much calcium!

  • QUESTION: Who lives on the planet Neptune?

    ANSWER: The Littlest Hobo!

  • QUESTION: Why did the owl go and live in a kennel?

    ANSWER: Because the branch where he used to live got made into a kennel by Farmer Palmer-Tomkinson!

  • QUESTION: Why do burglars wear striped sweatshirts?

    ANSWER: So they can pretend to be alien bumble bees if they get caught!

  • QUESTION: What sort of noise does Medusa make when she blows off?

    ANSWER: Sss-ttrrtt-trrrtt-sssss!

  • QUESTION: What sort of noise does Grant Mitchell make when he blows off?

    ANSWER: Parp!

  • QUESTION: Why do birds fly south for the winter?

    ANSWER: Because in the winter, in the north, a giant robot called the Bird-Killer comes out and tries to kill the birds, so they fly south to evade it.

  • QUESTION: Why are monkeys so cheeky?

    ANSWER: They just are.

  • QUESTION: What do you call giant bats?

    ANSWER: Super Beast 47!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with spaghetti all over his belly?

    ANSWER: Silly-Belly Spag-Bol!

  • QUESTION: Why do so many old people wear cardigans?

    ANSWER: To stop 'em shiverin'!

  • QUESTION: What do elephants eat in a posh restaurant?

    ANSWER: Trunkuss soup!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a scientist with a white face and dark brown fingers?

    ANSWER: Doctor Pudding!

  • QUESTION: What magazine do puffins subscribe to?

    ANSWER: Puffer-Time!

  • QUESTION: Why do woolly mammoths have tusks?

    ANSWER: They're knitting needles!

  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dart and a mat with a tan?

    ANSWER: Catdart Mattan / Katherine Hepburn.

  • QUESTION: What do you call a guy with a car for sale?

    ANSWER: Four wheel-away!

  • QUESTION: What do three horses say to each other?

    ANSWER: Neigh, neigh, and thrice neigh!

  • QUESTION: Why does Superman wear his pants outside his trousers?

    ANSWER: He's a pervert!

  • QUESTION: What do ducks eat in a Chinese restaurant?

    ANSWER: Peking Duck (it's not really duck)!

  • QUESTION: What were the members of Radiohead doing hiding in the boot of a car?

    ANSWER: They were kidnapped and tied up by a stalker, but he went out to get a packet of fags and they managed to escape. They fled to a supermarket car park where they hid in the boot of a car in case he came looking for them.

    Another intervention from the Teletext sub-editors! At some point in the day, the above joke morphed into the one below. Why? No one knows that.

  • QUESTION: Why were Radiohead crouched in the boot of a car?

    ANSWER: Because they'd been kidnapped and brutally beaten by a maniac with wild, staring eyes, but had managed to escape and fled to a nearby car park, where they hid in case he came looking for them!

  • QUESTION: What animal did Noah not take into the Ark?

    ANSWER: A wasp!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a Cowboy who wears a bowler?

    ANSWER: Bowleroo!

  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a vicar with a bowleroo?

    ANSWER: Rooster Hour!

  • QUESTION: Where does Neil Armstrong go on holiday?

    ANSWER: The London Planetarium!

  • QUESTION: What are the main ingredients of shepherds pie?

    ANSWER: Lots of sheep in a circle!

    Biffo has brought it to my attention that the above joke was "censored" for broadcast by the Digi sub-editors. The "Special Edition" is below:-

  • QUESTION: What are the main ingredients of shepherds pie?

    ANSWER: Sheriff's hair and poo!

  • QUESTION: What do ghosts have for breakfast?

    ANSWER: Grave(stone)y!

  • QUESTION: What is Count Dracula's favourite food?

    ANSWER: Shepherds pie!

  • QUESTION: What sort of choc biscuits do penguins eat?

    ANSWER: Pen-tasters!

  • QUESTION: Where do tortoises go during winter time?

    ANSWER: Marlowe Zoo!

  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a crow with a space hopper?

    ANSWER: Crow-stuss!

  • QUESTION: What time is it when an elephant explodes in your garden?

    ANSWER: Time to laugh!

  • QUESTION: Who is the presenter of TV's "Question Time"?

    ANSWER: Mr P. Zenter!

  • QUESTION: How did the scientist break his time machine?

    ANSWER: He attacked it with a hose!

  • QUESTION: How did Sting get his name?

    ANSWER: He was involved in a "sting" operation along with some beekeepers.

  • QUESTION: How did Michael Stripe out of R.E.M. get his name?

    ANSWER: He wore a lot of striped cardigans.

  • QUESTION: Where do dodos live?

    ANSWER: Graves!

  • QUESTION: What is the king of the pigs called?

    ANSWER: King Pig-u (Pingu)!

  • QUESTION: What is a vicar's favourite magazine?

    ANSWER: Priest Control!

  • QUESTION: Who does Paul Weller look like?

    ANSWER: My friend's dad!

  • QUESTION: What did Father Christmas say when he got stuck up the chimney?

    ANSWER: I'll be alright.

  • QUESTION: Why did the bison do tricks?

    ANSWER: It worked for Trick-fards!

  • QUESTION: Why was it that the nuclear power station could not achieve fission?

    ANSWER: Because the power station operator had gone fission (fishin')!

  • QUESTION: Why did the burglar stop?

    ANSWER: He had a massive heart attack!

  • QUESTION: What sort of cars do space dragons drive?

    ANSWER: Drag-stars!

  • QUESTION: Why do babies cry?

    ANSWER: Because wasps might be about!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who likes drinking gin beside Scottish lakes?

    ANSWER: I-Like Gin-Ness!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a straight-talking man with prunes on his head?

    ANSWER: Frank Prune-oh!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who takes Christmas trees wherever he goes?

    ANSWER: Spruce Bring-keen!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who was awarded a grant to grow peas in his yard, and he did such a good job of it that he became rich?

    ANSWER: Rich-yard "Pea" Grant!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who used his grant to buy lots of wells?

    ANSWER: Grant Much-well!

  • QUESTION: And what about his brother who filled the holes in?

    ANSWER: Fill Much-well!

  • QUESTION: How does a chicken do morse code?

    ANSWER: Cluck-cluck-cluuuuck-cluck!

  • QUESTION: Why did the strap explode?

    ANSWER: Because the "bee" "sting".

  • QUESTION: Why did the accused murderer admit to his crimes, and then forget who he was?

    ANSWER: He was the absent-minded confessor!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who lives on a newly-surfaced road near a Scottish lake, gets cross, but uses yoga to calm down?

    ANSWER: Ness-tar Rant-zen!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who is awarded a government grant to develop a new colour of paint?

    ANSWER: Hue Grant!

  • QUESTION: Where do drunk wasps live?

    ANSWER: Drunkston Hive!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a French golfer?

    ANSWER: Golf Paris (Rolf Harris)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call the king of the fabric wasps?

    ANSWER: King Cloth-bee (Bing Crosby)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call an idiot who has one hit record because of some stupid jeans advert, and thinks he's David Bowie?

    ANSWER: Jaz Mann (out of Babylon Zoo)!

  • QUESTION: Where do bats live?

    ANSWER: In Batman's trousers!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who has rabies, and tries to get rid of it by going out in the morning in a pair of clogs, and sucks dew off his lawn, but gets stung by a bee?

    ANSWER: Rabid (David) Dew-clog-bee (Duchovny)!

  • QUESTION: Why do wasps and bees have stripes like that?

    ANSWER: Because they're "bee-lines" (felines)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a felt seller who drives her van into a loch?

    ANSWER: Van-Ness-her (Vanessa) Felt (Feltz)!

  • QUESTION: What is the fastest land animal?

    ANSWER: Superdog!

  • QUESTION: Who is the strongest man in the world?

    ANSWER: Prince Philip!

  • QUESTION: Who is the tallest man in the world?

    ANSWER: The Man In The Moon!

  • QUESTION: What sort of dance do bees do best?

    ANSWER: The Hive (Jive)!

  • QUESTION: Which pop groups do bees like?

    ANSWER: Paul Bee-Cartney and Wings! They also like Sting and R BEE M.

  • QUESTION: What do you call a fish with a dog's face, the body of a dog, the legs of a dog, and the sting of a wasp?

    ANSWER: I dunno - but I'm gettin' outta here!!!!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a crow with the looks of JFK, the diplomatic skills of George Washington and the experience of Ronald Reagan?

    ANSWER: Ronald Pres-crow!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a Wookiee who smokes a pipe?

    ANSWER: Tobacco (Chewbacca)!

  • QUESTION: What happened when Jabba The Hutt lost his temper with his favourite headgear?

    ANSWER: He "stabba" the "hatt"!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a dark Jedi who gives coalfires marks out of ten?

    ANSWER: "Hearth Grader" (Darth Vader)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a girl who kneels in animal droppings?

    ANSWER: Dog-mess kneeler (Princess Leia)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a spaceman with only one hand?

    ANSWER: "Hand" Solo!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a spaceman who only eats ham?

    ANSWER: "Ham" Solo!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a Klingon who eats human hair?

    ANSWER: K'Paq Kh'ruth!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a Klingon who lives with Frank Bruno?

    ANSWER: Pa'h Khrun Bruno K'taqh!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a Klingon with webbed feet?

    ANSWER: H'run'h Kh'lda P'qah T'hrun!

  • QUESTION: Why did the dancer rub muscle relaxant into his hair?

    ANSWER: Because he wanted to achieve a "supple" new look!

  • QUESTION: Where do elephants live?

    ANSWER: Trunkton!

  • QUESTION: What was The Beatles' favourite food?

    ANSWER: Hamburg-ers!

  • QUESTION: Why was the patron refused entry to the kissin' club?

    ANSWER: He had coldsores!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who suffocates people with cornflakes?

    ANSWER: A menace!

  • QUESTION: Why is the end nozzle bit of an elephant's trunk pink?

    ANSWER: A pink guy lives up there!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who owns a sawmill which employs a fox as a doorman?

    ANSWER: Fox Mill-door!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman whose skull becomes transparent during the day?

    ANSWER: Day-no Skully.

    Again, with the sub-editors! Here's how the last two should have read (thanks, Biffo):-

  • QUESTION: What do you call an Asian man who owns a sawmill which employs a fox as a doorman?

    ANSWER: Asian Fox Mill-door!

  • QUESTION: What do you call an Asian woman whose skull becomes transparent during the day?

    ANSWER: Asian Day-no Skully.

  • QUESTION: What does Fox Mulder eat?

    ANSWER: Fox food!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a Frenchman who helps people across the road?

    ANSWER: Jean-Pierre Lollypopman!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a German fireman?

    ANSWER: Fritz Hose-down!

  • QUESTION: What do you call an Englishman who gets everything wrong?

    ANSWER: John Smith - The English Idiot!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who watches videos during the day, and bows down at the end of them, but always wets himself when he does so?

    ANSWER: Day-vid Bow-wee (David Bowie)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who just knelt down in some dog mess?

    ANSWER: Knelt-on Pong (Elton John)!

  • QUESTION: Why do dogs "bark"?

    ANSWER: Because the tree "leaves"!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who aims at his knee with a knife to remove the hair on the knee, and then uses that hair to make unique works of art?

    ANSWER: Aim-knee Hairy-Art (Ainsley Harriot)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a very dull man who keeps a collection of model cars in his attic?

    ANSWER: Bore-us Car-Loft (Boris Karloff)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a foreign person who, while on holiday with his grandmother, doesn't understand a question about wine, and so chooses to return to his hotel room alone, but must first get the room key from his grandmother?

    ANSWER: Que? Vin? Key-gran (Kevin Keegan)!

  • QUESTION: What do footballers drink?

    ANSWER: Coca-Goaler (Coca-Cola)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who shows his friends pictures of himself and his wife on holiday at Cheddar Gorge?

    ANSWER: Gorge Look-us (George Lucas)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a young boy who shows his father a flat piece of wood upon which he has drawn a very scary face?

    ANSWER: Scary-son Board (Harrison Ford)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman whose voice is of a similar pitch to that of the noise elephants make?

    ANSWER: El-tone Joan (Elton John)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who damaged the cartilage in his knee by pulling a nearby muscle?

    ANSWER: Pull My-cart'-knee (Paul McCartney)!

  • "This bloke walks into a pub, and he says to the barman: 'Barman, get me three beers!' The barman says to him: 'Three beers, sir? But there's only one of you!'

    "So the guy says: 'Yes. One beer for me, and one each for my invisible friends.' So the barman says: 'Invisible friends, sir, but...' Wait a minute. I've got it wrong - this isn't a joke, but a true story about my tragic Uncle Jim."

  • QUESTION: What do beetles give each other at Christmas?

    ANSWER: Beetlejuice videos!

  • QUESTION: What is Godzilla's favourite film?

    ANSWER: Godzilla Vs Mothra, of course!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who breeds giant wasps?

    ANSWER: Lord Bee!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who has such bad skin that it gives him vertigo?

    ANSWER: Wart Dizzy (Walt Disney)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who puts signs up in a field?

    ANSWER: Sign-field (Seinfeld)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who spends eternity peeling oranges?

    ANSWER: Eon Peel (Ian Beale)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a Red Indian girl who is very knowledgeable about things?

    ANSWER: Indian Anna-Jo Knows (Indiana Jones)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a boy whose father is just four years old?

    ANSWER: Harry-son Four-da' (Harrison Ford)!

  • QUESTION:What you cal a fat alien vampire hunter?

    ANSWER: Stabba Their Heart (Jabba The Hutt)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call an animal who doesn't know whether it's a small fish, or a bit of bacon?

    ANSWER: A rind-or-sea-horse (a rhinocerous)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a city whose residents are cleaning a ton of dirty clothes in an effort to prevent a virulent plague?

    ANSWER: Washing-ton Disease (Wahington DC)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who gets very angry if anyone steals his underwear?

    ANSWER: Knickerless Rage (the actor Nicholas Cage)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a British female singer, who threatens to knee someone in the face, and then chooses to let them go free?

    ANSWER: Brit-knee Spares (Britney Spears)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a female singer who has found a strand of something, but doesn't know what?

    ANSWER: My-Wire-Or Hair-Y (Mariah Carey)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who has yet to pay his phone bill?

    ANSWER: My-Call Owing (Michael Owen)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who doesn't like the night, and starts his day with a bowl of muesli?

    ANSWER: Day-Man All-Bran (Damon Albarn)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a supermodel who is an expert on selling used cars?

    ANSWER: Car-Price (Caprice)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who goes to her favourite seaside town and just looks at people?

    ANSWER: Margate Watcher (Margaret Thatcher)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man about whom it is unknown whether he intends to consume a pile of hay or not?

    ANSWER: Will-he-yum Hay-Guy (William Hague)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a pantomime about a burger-loving, denim-clad teacher, who has been careless while wiping the blackboard?

    ANSWER: Big Mac And The Jeans Chalk (Jack And The Beanstalk)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a pantomime about a phosphorescent evangelist who keeps his Bibles in his bedside cabinet?

    ANSWER: Glow-Bright And The Heaven Drawers (Snow White And The Seven Dwarves)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a pantomime about gangsta dudes?

    ANSWER: Boyz In Da Hood (Babes In The Wood).

  • QUESTION: What do you call a pantomime about a store detective for a leading chain of pharmacists, who manages to guess which felon has fouled his store?

    ANSWER: Poo-suss In Boots (Puss In Boots)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a Welshman who resurfaces jetties and quaysides for a living?

    ANSWER: Dock-tar Hugh (Doctor Who)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who sat down for dinner and found his veg, cheese and stock were covered in horrible tar?

    ANSWER: Pea-tar Gray-brie-hell (Peter Gabriel)!

  • QUESTION: Which member of the Beatles likes lemons?

    ANSWER: George "lemon" Harrison!

  • QUESTION: What do you call an unmarried woman, who is employed as a road resurfacer, and has a very clever little boy?

    ANSWER: Miss-tar Brain-son (Mr Bronson)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who owns a car which is covered in asphalt, and is the ruler of all poultry?

    ANSWER: Tar-car Hen-king (Tucker Jenkins)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a father who has invented a generator which runs on stationery and beverages?

    ANSWER: Da' Tea-pen Watts (Dirty Den Watts)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a wasp who has invented a device for ships, which incorporates both a warning horn and a tethering device?

    ANSWER: Bee Anchor-Klaxon (Bianca Jackson)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a Japanese woman who lives below ground and gives up her only male child at the first sign of danger?

    ANSWER: Sewer-san Surrender-one-son (Susan Sarandon)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man whose entire body is covered in scales and likes to jump on people?

    ANSWER: Pike-all Leap-on (Michael Keaton)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who is missing the central joint in his legs, and has an aching desire to be a chicken?

    ANSWER: Toe-Knee Be-hen (Tony Benn)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who plays his guitar in a field full of crops, while sitting on his bended knees?

    ANSWER: Kneel Farm-strum (Neil Armstrong)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who is currently pre-purchasing a quantity of short, prickly, artificial animal fur.

    ANSWER: Fuzz Orderin' (Buzz Aldrin)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who alternately makes a low buzzing sound with his mouth into a rubber boot, and a growling sound into a mound of dried grass?

    ANSWER: Welly-hum Hay-grr (William Hague)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who owns a shop selling devices for the purpose of lifting cars?

    ANSWER: Jack Store (Jack Straw)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who likes to visit Sri Lanka once a year and pretends to be a wasp?

    ANSWER: Ceylon Be-on (Celine Dion)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a TV show about a small rodent who hosts a dinner party at which the main course is little bits of game bird?

    ANSWER: Vole's Grouse-part Tea (Noel's House Party)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a TV show about my groovy pony called Lawrence going hiking with a waterfowl?

    ANSWER: My Cool Larry Horse's Hiking Ducky (Michael Barrymore's Strike It Lucky)!!!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a TV show about a teacher who wins a competition but then discovers he owes the competition organiser - a billed bird sent crazy by carbonated drinks - a small fee?

    ANSWER: Sir-prize Surcharge Fizz Silly Duck (Surprise Surprise With Cilla Black)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a TV show about a small covered trolley?

    ANSWER: Cart-Sheet (Heartbeat)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a TV show about the sad plight of a poor wasp who has become wedged in small gap?

    ANSWER: Hole-bee Pity (Holby City)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a TV show about a Welshman's vintage model railway set?

    ANSWER: Hugh's Steam Trains (You've Been Framed)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who gets cross when he is prevented from Frenchying some asphalt?

    ANSWER: Kiss Tar-Rant (Chris Tarrant)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who cleans up the autumnal mess in his garden - but only in the hours between dawn and dusk - only to find it getting stuck in wet asphalt?

    ANSWER: Day-Leaves Tar-Have-It (Dave Lee Travis)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who can drag 2,240lbs, but only when he's underwater?

    ANSWER: Pull Mer-ton (Paul Merton)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who stole 2,240lbs of OUR wasps by dragging them out of our waspery?

    ANSWER: Anger-us Bee-ton (Angus Deaton)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who drives a car filled with a sticky viscous liquid made by bees and who thinks it's wonderful?

    ANSWER: Glory! A Honey-Ford (Gloria Hunniford)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who drives a car onto 2,240lbs of instruments used to unlock doors?

    ANSWER: Car-on Key-ton (Caron Keaton)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who wears a pair of stupid glasses made out of picture surrounds?

    ANSWER: Frames See Quirk (James T Kirk)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who sees some asphalt near a wharf, and rings his parrot to tell it?

    ANSWER: Dock-tar Phones Macaw (Doctor "Bones" McCoy)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who performs a lewd joke, illustrated using a gammon steak?

    ANSWER: Ham So-Low (Han Solo)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman whose children have children, and whose surname is Murphy, but whose second husband is one Mr Parkinson?

    ANSWER: Gran Murph'-Parkin' (Grand Moff Tarkin)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call an Essex girl who owns a mobile hotdog and shoe polishing business?

    ANSWER: Sharon's Van Frank 'n' Shine (Baron von Frankenstein)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a burglar who breaks into a house, steals some meat from the fridge, and carries it out in a pair of gum boots?

    ANSWER: Robber Welly-hams (Robbie Williams)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who owns a pub but reduces the size of the serving counter so that he has a clear view of his vehicle in the car park?

    ANSWER: Car-see Bar-low (Gary Barlow)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a pop singer who is scared of a large oak in the centre of a bazaar?

    ANSWER: Afraid-y Market-tree (Freddie Mercury)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a brusque pop singer who hurt his scalp when he tried to style his hair?

    ANSWER: Curt Comb-pain (Kurt Cobain)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a media personality who, while doing needlework, hurt her finger, and began to cry?

    ANSWER: Sew-y Bawl (Zoe Ball)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a media personality who travels a long distance with a young - specifically unweaned - deer?

    ANSWER: Journey Fawn (Johnny Vaughn)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a young horse with a disease which causes horrible lumps to appear on its scalp?

    ANSWER: Foal Head-Mounds (Noel Edmonds)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who is in mourning because someone he loves was killed by a clothes peg blown into their face by a freak tornado?

    ANSWER: Grief Peg-Wind (Keith Chegwin)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a book about a pair of shrieking cows who teach their family to dance?

    ANSWER: Two-squealer Rocking-Herd (To Kill A Mockingbird)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a book about a blind sculptor who makes statues of people's faces by videoing them, and then playing the video back and touching the screen?

    ANSWER: Play-vid Copy-feel (David Copperfield)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a book about a computer operator whose workstation is plunged into darkness by the Millennium Bug?

    ANSWER: Brian, The Glitch, And The Lightbulb (The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a book about the actor Ving Rhames having his seaside picnic spoiled by insects?

    ANSWER: Rhames And The Pie-Ant Beach (James And The Giant Peach)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call an android adjudicating officer who decorates the sycamores in his garden with girls' toys?

    ANSWER: Ro-Judge Doll-Tree (Roger Daltrey)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a little, round, green man who posts garden tools to his friends?

    ANSWER: Pea Trowel-Send (Pete Townsend)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a couple who enjoy day-trips to France to purchase metal girders?

    ANSWER: Ferry and I-Beam (Terry and Irene)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who does dirties on large-nibbed felt-tipped pens?

    ANSWER: Marker Fouler (Mark Fowler)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who makes shirts for a living, and makes a shirt for someone, but forgets to put the arms on, and promises that he'll do it later?

    ANSWER: Sleeve Owing (Steve Owen)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who keeps his Chinese condiments in a replica of the Afterlife?

    ANSWER: Soy Heavens (Roy Evans)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a book about a Welsh SAS soldier who hates women's underwear and thinks he's a Roman Emperor?

    ANSWER: Bra-foe Huw Nero (Bravo Two Zero)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a book about a woman who likes to build things over rivers and who calls her milkman to check on delivery times?

    ANSWER: Bridge-it Phones Dairy (Bridget Jones' Diary)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a cow who is a lawyer-for-hire who stands in a hole in the ground from which people usually drink, and goes to toilet in it?

    ANSWER: Law-rent Loo-Well-In Bovine (Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a sulking man who inhales a load of skin flakes?

    ANSWER: Dust-in Huff-man (Dustin Hoffman)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who bites a female sheep expecting it to taste like gammon, and then when it doesn't he punishes his male child?

    ANSWER: Ham-Ewe-Hell Smack-son (Samuel L. Jackson)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who passes an English exam by making a new word by adding the fifth letter of the alphabet to the end of the word "spit"?

    ANSWER: E-on Right (Ian Wright)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man called the male equivalent of Leanne, who is in love with a female seagull, and hums her a love song as he presents her with a gift of a vehicle?

    ANSWER: Lee-hum Gull-her-car (Liam Gallagher)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who doesn't believe in Satan, and drives around in a car with a female seagull?

    ANSWER: No-Hell Gull-her-car (Noel Gallagher - Liam's brother).

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who has no lower part of his face, and won't stretch out on the floor?

    ANSWER: Jaw-non Lay-non (John Lennon)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who wants to make an omelette, but drops her only egg down a drain?

    ANSWER: Yolk-go Oh-No (Yoko Ono)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who dresses his window ledges - believing them to be female - in underwear, and who has recently been given a building to keep horses in?

    ANSWER: Sill-vest-her Stall-own (Sylvester Stallone)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who has to have microphones everywhere he goes, otherwise he'll gnash his teeth?

    ANSWER: Mic-all Bite (Michael Knight)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who eats a Greek sandwich on top of a large mound?

    ANSWER: Hill Chew-Pittas (Phill Jupitus)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who is waiting for the formation of an office dedicated to overseeing the distribution of firm seating?

    ANSWER: Chair-hard Dept. Due (Gerard Depardieu)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a female singer who has a Union Jack tattooed on her leg joint, and has a pair of earrings made out of small, round, green vegetable?

    ANSWER: Brit-knee's Pea-Ears (Britney Spears).

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who responds to different colours with a guttural snort?

    ANSWER: Hue Grunt (Hugh Grant)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a Frenchman whose girlfriend, Dee Dee, has bought him a hat from Brazil that he's not very keen on?

    ANSWER: Le non du Dee's Cap Rio (Leonardo DiCaprio)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a computer-generated man who can't decide what vehicle to use to visit the Queen?

    ANSWER: Tron Mall-go-which (John Malkovich)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a cute girl who wins a prize for using a roundabout more times than anyone else?

    ANSWER: Win-on-a Ride-aaah (Winona Ryder)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call someone who owns an antler-bearing ruminent mammal, and is being viewed by close-circuit television?

    ANSWER: Camera-on Deer-has (Cameron Diaz)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who has a stinking male child, and a female child called Amanda, who owns a four-wheeled road vehicle?

    ANSWER: Smell-son Mandy-car (Nelson Mandela)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man whose life is made a misery by his own idiocy, and has just cleaned himself?

    ANSWER: Dense-hell Washing-done (Denzel Washington)!

  • QUESTION: Why did the wasp sting the delivery boy?

    ANSWER: Because the boy was a stingston!

  • QUESTION: Where do seagulls go during the winter?

    ANSWER: The Valley Of Bronson-warm!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with a beard down only one side of his face?

    ANSWER: Halfen Fuzz!

  • QUESTION: What do you get if you pump a Cornish pasty full of helium?

    ANSWER: A high voice-inducing cake!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who thinks pigs are dogs, dogs are ice-creams, and ice-creams are icebergs?

    ANSWER: Helios 7!

  • QUESTION: Why do snowmen melt?

    ANSWER: Because the wind "blue"!

  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a coathanger?

    ANSWER: The Leap-uss Hang-me-do!

  • QUESTION: What was the wasp's favourite food?

    ANSWER: Stingy pie!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a giant cat with a fork sticking out of its head?

    ANSWER: Ms Feline Cutler!

  • QUESTION: Why is the planet Mars so red?

    ANSWER: Because lots of ginger-haired people live there!

  • QUESTION: Why do pelicans have such baggy gobs?

    ANSWER: So they can disguise themselves as butterfly nets!

  • QUESTION: What do albino cats drink?

    ANSWER: Ink!

  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a bus driver with a hippy?

    ANSWER: The Age Of Aquari-BUS!

  • QUESTION: What did the big clock say to the little clock?

    ANSWER: Klokkkk!

  • QUESTION: What did the lemon farmer say to the orange salesman?

    ANSWER: Cit-russssss!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who delivers papier-mache to nuns?

    ANSWER: Hanover VII!

  • QUESTION: Why did the giraffe choke on a hat?

    ANSWER: He thought it was a nut!

  • QUESTION: What did the big policeman say to the little policeman?

    ANSWER: Go west, my son!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who opens the champagne before her party guests have even arrived?

    ANSWER: Fizz Early (Liz Hurley)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who, upon seeing a re-animated skeleton, is so scared that he vomits on his rug?

    ANSWER: Mat-hue Skelly (Matthew Kelly)!

  • QUESTION: Where do Rasta bees live?

    ANSWER: The Wasp Indies!

  • QUESTION: If I fathered a child with the former guitarist from The Smiths, and when he reached the age of 13 I broke his legs, what would he be called?

    ANSWER: Marr-teen My-crutch-son (Martine McCutcheon)!

  • QUESTION: What did the grizzly bear buy at the market?

    ANSWER: A brake!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman whose home is furnished with nothing but a cup of beverage which has a pair of cowboy horse-spikers in it?

    ANSWER: Spur-tea Sparse (Sporty Spice)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who boils his female siblings in a kettle, and then inherits a lot of money?

    ANSWER: Brew-sis Will-sis (Bruce Willis)!

  • QUESTION: Why did the dog dig a hole and bury his owner?

    ANSWER: His owner was Boneo out of U2!

  • QUESTION: Where do aviators go to have their lunch?

    ANSWER: A place called The Cloud Club!

  • QUESTION: How did the elephant cover his tracks?

    ANSWER: Using a broom and some dust!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a high-tech guy who was cloned in a laboratory, and who is now the lead singer in Duran Duran?

    ANSWER: Sci-fi Lab 'Un (Simon Le Bon)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who uses a robotic containment device to collect falling child effigies which he previously placed in an acorn plant?

    ANSWER: Ro-Jar Doll-Tree (Roger Daltrey - out of The Who)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a special time of the year which is used to remove liquid from your favourite niche plants?

    ANSWER: Cress-Moss Dry (Christmas Day)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a special day when the residents of Buckinghamshire attempt to evaporate the contents of their fountain pens?

    ANSWER: Bucks-Ink Dry (Boxing Day)!

  • QUESTION: Why does Spider-Man have big white eyes?

    ANSWER: He mistook a pot of Tippex for Optrex!

  • QUESTION: Why does Superman wear a big red cape?

    ANSWER: To distract attention from his stupid pants!

  • QUESTION: What goes "hut-hut-huuussss"?

    ANSWER: The Clow-Clow!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who keeps on making a mess when he slices bread, even though his wife tells him not to?

    ANSWER: Further Crust-mess (Father Christmas)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a beast who dips its paw into a barrel of pitch, and then drags them along the beach?

    ANSWER: Sand-tar Claws (Santa Claus)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who owns a chain of bakeries, but ends up going bankrupt, after replacing the pastries with a selection of ancient water jugs and tin cans?

    ANSWER: Gourd-can Wenzels-loss (Good King Wenceslas)!

  • QUESTION: Why did the partridge fall out of the pear tree?

    ANSWER: Strong wind make partridge go cuckoo and then fall down!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a woman who greets her grandmother by bowing and then giving her an expensive watch?

    ANSWER: Hello-Nana Bow-Nan Cartier (Helena Bonham Carter)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who makes police car siren noises while filling a tin up with mud?

    ANSWER: Can-Earth Ner-Ner (Kenneth Brannagh)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a boxer who opens an exclusive exotic shark meat restaurant in a little side street?

    ANSWER: More-hammerhead Alley (Mohammed Ali)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a footballer who owns an electric undershirt, that must be powered up overnight?

    ANSWER: Charge Vest (George Best)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a footballer who watches videos during the hours of sunlight, while munching on a solid lump of cooked bacon?

    ANSWER: Day-vid Block-ham (David Beckham)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a lady pop star who lets people sit on her?

    ANSWER: Chair (Cher)! Allegedly.

  • QUESTION: How do you know when there's an elephant in the fridge?

    ANSWER: There's dung in your milk!

  • QUESTION: How do you know if there's an elephant under you bed?

    ANSWER: His trunk keeps touching you!

  • QUESTION: How many elephants can you get in the back of a VW Beetle?

    ANSWER: Not too many, I hope - my angling gear is in there!

  • QUESTION: What do vampires have for breakfast?

    ANSWER: Blood-Snax!

  • QUESTION: How do you know when there's a ghost in your fridge?

    ANSWER: When it's very cold in there!

  • QUESTION: How do you get a zombie to jump through a hoop?

    ANSWER: Offer it a few words of encouragement, or point a gun at it!

  • QUESTION: Why did the alien driver eat the policeman's hat?

    ANSWER: He thought it was a meal!

  • QUESTION: What did the alien do when the policeman accused him of speeding?

    ANSWER: He pretended to choke on a chrysalis!

  • QUESTION: Why did the alien shiver when the policeman shouted at him?

    ANSWER: He was drunk and scared!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a dark Jedi Knight, who runs around going "Brrm! Brrm!"?

    ANSWER: Car Vader (Darth Vader)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call an insect who turns from a caterpillar into a patch of fuzzy foliage?

    ANSWER: A moss (a moth)!

  • QUESTION: Where do trees shop?

    ANSWER: Roots (Boots)!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross a church with a ferris wheel?

    ANSWER: Revolving fonts!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you choke on a chrysalis?

    ANSWER: Bessie the Moth comes out of your nose!

  • QUESTION: Where do crows go on holiday?

    ANSWER: A "crow-liday" park!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross an ostrich with a handbag?

    ANSWER: You get an ost-bag!

  • QUESTION: What did the big tumble dryer say to the little tumble dryer?

    ANSWER: Sssssth! Ssssssthrrrrrr! Sssss! Ssssthrrrrr! Thrrrrrr!

  • QUESTION: Where do policemen go on holiday?

    ANSWER: Helmet Land!

  • QUESTION: What happened when the man confused his dynamo with a cactus?

    ANSWER: He got "spindle-hands"!

  • QUESTION: Why do bats sleep on the roofs of caves?

    ANSWER: Because they're blind and can't find their beds!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a gorilla with no ears?

    ANSWER: Gus Soundless!

  • QUESTION: What happened when the Oscar statue was eaten by a skunk?

    ANSWER: He won the Smellston Award!

  • QUESTION: Why did the Mexican puff pepper up the mastodon's nozzle?

    ANSWER: Because he thought it was a prehistoric baguette!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a monkey with mustard on his hands?

    ANSWER: Poupon 7!

  • QUESTION: What happened when the policeman ate a spinning top?

    ANSWER: He became PC Revolver!

  • QUESTION: How many workers in a felt tipped pen factory does it take to change a lightbulb?

    ANSWER: Just one. The others have to get on with making the pens!

  • QUESTION: Why did the orange stop?

    ANSWER: It was swallowed by a vortex!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a bird who is made out of tissue paper?

    ANSWER: Rustle-Crow (Russel Crowe)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man who gets angry when he sees super-computers, and spends his waking hours watching films on tape?

    ANSWER: Cray-Grrr Day-vid (Craig David - the R&B sensation)!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross a kangaroo with a flower?

    ANSWER: You get a big, smelly 'roo!

  • QUESTION: What happened when the artist set out to draw pictures of Australian mammals on bathroom fittings?

    ANSWER: He did a 'roo in the toilet!

  • QUESTION: What did the customs official find down the Australian animal smuggler's trousers?

    ANSWER: There was 'roo in his pants!

  • QUESTION: Why did the dessert-eating man burn his mouth?

    ANSWER: He got his CUSTARD powder confused with MUSTARD powder.

  • QUESTION: Why did the other dessert-eating man burn his mouth?

    ANSWER: He got his DESSERT confused with a DESERT, and tried to eat the desert, and, unfortunately, the sand was very hot.

  • QUESTION: What happened to the chef who served his guests a wasp pie?

    ANSWER: SSSSSTUNGGGGG!!!!!

  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a pearly king?

    ANSWER: A new type of mar-suit-pearl!

  • QUESTION: How many moths does it take to change a lightbulb?

    ANSWER: Moths can't do that.

  • QUESTION: What happened when the elephant tried to get inside a tumble dryer?

    ANSWER: It died!

  • QUESTION: Where does Leonardo di Caprio go for his holidays?

    ANSWER: The Beach!

  • QUESTION: What sort of hamburgers do policemen eat?

    ANSWER: Big Cells (Big Macs)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with a cast-iron throat, that's covered in moss?

    ANSWER: Thorax Steel!

  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cotton bud?

    ANSWER: Leapin' buds!

  • QUESTION: How many leapin' buds does it take to change a lightbulb?

    ANSWER: N-n-n-nineteen!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a Spanish robot with a swan's head?

    ANSWER: Senor Cygnet Electro!

  • QUESTION: What happens if a wagon wheel falls off a wall onto your head?

    ANSWER: You get "wagon concussed"!

  • QUESTION: What did the big blackbird say to the little blackbird?

    ANSWER: "Burd"!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a drunken lady who is so desperate for booze that she's taken to inhaling the fumes from a bottle of spirits, and has only small, chalky sweets to eat, which - OH! She has just dropped!

    ANSWER: Gin-sniffer Low-Pez (Jennifer Lopez)!

  • QUESTION: Who is your favourite James Bond actor?

    ANSWER: Rory DeBarres!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a bald popstar who has a fat wasp as a pet, whose pelt he keeps trimmed with a tiny lawnmower?

    ANSWER: Mow-bee (Moby)!

  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a policeman with a bungalow?

    ANSWER: PC One-floor!

  • QUESTION: What's your favourite sweet?

    ANSWER: Refreshers!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you thrust a hosepipe into a beehive and turn it on full blast?

    ANSWER: The Jetson Wasps (Jackson 5)!

  • QUESTION: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers and a cape?

    ANSWER: To freak out his opponent!

  • QUESTION: What's your favourite drink?

    ANSWER: Mushed yams!

  • QUESTION: Why did the police sergeant swallow a twenty pence piece?

    ANSWER: He was Copper Coin!

  • QUESTION: Why did Picasso cut off his ear with a knife?

    ANSWER: He was trying to slice his head!

  • QUESTION: What's your favourite song?

    ANSWER: In The Ghetto - by Elvis!

  • QUESTION: What did the big policeman say to the little policeman?

    ANSWER: Get out of my shoe!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross-pollinate a mulberry bush with an old oak tree?

    ANSWER: Mulbe-ston!

  • QUESTION: What did the Eskimo have for his dinner?

    ANSWER: Seal eyes!

  • QUESTION: What did the fat barber say to the thin barber?

    ANSWER: Stop hiding behind my stick!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you get a wasp, stick it to the top of a spoon, and rub it against a window?

    ANSWER: Bee-glazing!

  • QUESTION: What is your favourite magazine?

    ANSWER: Power Zone!

  • QUESTION: What did the Eskimo use to stop ants getting into his igloo, and crawling on his seals?

    ANSWER: Seal-ant (sealant)!

  • QUESTION: What did the big zookeeper say to the little zookeeper?

    ANSWER: Stop going in that thimble!

  • QUESTION: Where do Eskimos go to toilet?

    ANSWER: Eski-holes!

  • "Once upon a time Luke Skywalker had a job in a shop that made signs using big letters. His boss was Ben Kenobi. Once Luke had to put away the unused letters.

    "Unfortunately, there were so many spare letter 'U's that he couldn't get the drawer closed. He asked his boss, Ben Kenobi, for advice. And do you know what his advice was? Force the 'U's, Luke! Do you get it? It sounds a bit like 'Use the Force'!"

  • "One day, the Invisible Man was painting his fence, when another man, Richard, came along. From Richard's point of view it appeared as if the fence was painting itself!

    "While this in itself is very amusing, the really funny thing is that the Invisible Man then started painting Richard's trousers, and also threw a bucket of gunge, and a piece of coal at him! Hahah! Brilliant!"

  • QUESTION: What did the big fisherman say to the litte fisherman?

    ANSWER: Stop hiding in that bucket!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross-pollinate a tulip with a dandelion?

    ANSWER: Dande-lips!

  • QUESTION: What did the Zulu warrior have in his packed lunch?

    ANSWER: Dande-lips!

  • "There was this Eskimo who went into a fish and chip shop and ordered cod and chips twice.

    "Well, the person that worked in the fish and chip shop wasn't very happy when - after handing over two portions of fish and chips - the man threw them back at him. He'd actually ordered 'cotton clips', but the person serving him had misheard! Pretty funny, yeah?"

  • QUESTION: What did the big barber say to the little barber?

    ANSWER: Get out of my beard!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross a kangaroo with a monster?

    ANSWER: "Australian scares!"

  • QUESTION: Why did the Eskimo throw his glove into the sea?

    ANSWER: There was a wasp in it!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a tiny insect, who happens to be all by himself, and keeps himself entertained by jumping on one leg - the action of which causes members of his family to appear?

    ANSWER: Ant-only Hop-kin (Anthony Hopkins - the actor!)

  • QUESTION: Where do underpants go on holiday?

    ANSWER: Bumston!

  • QUESTION: What did the big poplar say to the little poplar?

    ANSWER: Laugh your eyes out!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross a walking stick with a zimmer frame?

    ANSWER: A wooden zum-zzzzz!

  • QUESTION: What did the Eskimo have for his dinner?

    ANSWER: Brown snow!

  • QUESTION: What did the brown monkey say to the grey monkey?

    ANSWER: Stop hiding in that pile of ash!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross some coal with a griddle?

    ANSWER: Super-heat!

  • QUESTION: What did the Eskimo have for his breakfast?

    ANSWER: Polar Flakes!

  • QUESTION: Where do key cutters go on holiday?

    ANSWER: The Florida Keys (it's a chain of islands!)

  • QUESTION: What did the big key cutter say to the little key cutter?

    ANSWER: Stop hiding behind that big key!

  • QUESTION: What did the key cutter have for breakfast?

    ANSWER: Chocolate keys!

  • QUESTION: What happened when Superman's pants fell down while he was flying over Metropolis?

    ANSWER: He used his cape to hide his hairy bottom!

  • QUESTION: Which bird is always out of breath?

    ANSWER: A strangled one!

  • QUESTION: What did the Eskimo have for his dinner?

    ANSWER: The fur around his hood!

  • QUESTION: What happened when Batman got trapped in the closet?

    ANSWER: Robin came along and, laughing, started whacking the door of the closet with a broom!

  • QUESTION: Which bird eats cakes?

    ANSWER: A cake-rel!

  • QUESTION: Why did the elephant eat his own trunk?

    ANSWER: He thought it was a sub!

  • QUESTION: What happened when Batman's car broke down?

    ANSWER: He phoned Robin, but Robin was out with his mates, and Batman had to flag down another car - and it was being driven by Superman!

  • QUESTION: Which bird sounds like a carrot?

    ANSWER: A carro' (a crow)!

  • QUESTION: Why did the elephant bark?

    ANSWER: He was a dogruss!

  • QUESTION: What happened when Superman blew on a whistle?

    ANSWER: He blew so hard that the little dried pea thing inside burst! Yes - IT ACTUALLY BURST!

  • QUESTION: Which bird sounds like a load of fire-retarding bubbles?

    ANSWER: A foamer!

  • QUESTION: Why did the orphan mewl?

    ANSWER: The beadle had knocked over his gruel!

  • QUESTION: What happened when the Invisible Man went on holiday?

    ANSWER: He tried to book in at the caravan park, but the person behind the desk couldn't see him - he could only hear him - and so the Invisible Man had to rub mud into his own face in order to make himself semi-visible!

  • QUESTION: Which bird is always getting things wrong?

    ANSWER: A "so-wrong" (a swan)!

  • QUESTION: What did the big orange say to the little orange?

    ANSWER: I "peeeeel" your "segs"!

  • QUESTION: Which bird cannot fly?

    ANSWER: A tethered bird!

  • QUESTION: Where do Eskimos go to toilet?

    ANSWER: Down a poo-chute!

  • QUESTION: Why did the chicken bark?

    ANSWER: He'd been altered!

  • QUESTION: What sort of things do witches eat at the seaside?

    ANSWER: Brushes and keys!

  • QUESTION: What happened when Superman and Batman went to the seaside?

    ANSWER: They had an argument over who should go and get the ice creams, and Batman choked to death on a brush!

  • QUESTION: What did the key cutter wear to the beach?

    ANSWER: A cape in the shape of a key!

  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a donkey with Spanish hero Don Quixote?

    ANSWER: Donkey Quiz-boat?

  • QUESTION: What happened when the snowman had a bath?

    ANSWER: He froze up the taps!

  • QUESTION: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trouser?

    ANSWER: In case he made a mess of one!

  • QUESTION: What did the big potato say to the little potato?

    ANSWER: Do you like potatoes?

  • QUESTION: What did the big zookeeper say to the small zookeeper?

    ANSWER: Stop hiding in those bristles!

  • QUESTION: What did the Eskimo have for his dinner?

    ANSWER: Roast ice!

  • QUESTION: What was the caveman's favourite bird?

    ANSWER: "Cro" (Magnon)!

  • QUESTION: What did the caveman wear around his shoulders?

    ANSWER: "Neander-shawl"!

  • QUESTION: What did the caveman build to stop the river from bursting its banks?

    ANSWER: "Troglo-dyke"!

  • QUESTION: Why did the police sergeant draw a wonky house?

    ANSWER: He was pretending to be a baby!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross a kangaroo with a spring?

    ANSWER: A kangaroo who lives in a mattress!

  • QUESTION: What did the Eskimo have for his dinner?

    ANSWER: Fuzzy Felts!

  • QUESTION: Why did Clark Kent change into Superman in a phone box?

    ANSWER: His wife had locked him out of the house because they'd had an argument over some straw he'd left all over the living room floor!

  • QUESTION: Why did the Eskimo balance a seal on his head?

    ANSWER: He wanted to see if it would make a nice hat!

  • QUESTION: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

    ANSWER: Huff-puff-puffa-puff.

  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross a kangaroo with a giraffe.

    ANSWER: A creature with a long neck, that can jump really high!

  • QUESTION: Why did the Eskimo throw coins at a seal?

    ANSWER: He thought it was a beggar!

  • QUESTION: Why did the policeman wear two belts?

    ANSWER: In case he had to "belt" a suspect round the head!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross a butcher with with a policeman?

    ANSWER: A man who arrests people, then attempts to sell them some meat!

  • QUESTION: What did the big superhero say to the little superhero?

    ANSWER: I've got a secret pocket in my cape!

  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross a CD with a prong?

    ANSWER: An audio-prod!

  • QUESTION: Why did the Eskimo shave the sea lion?

    ANSWER: He wanted it to be smooth!

  • QUESTION: Why did the pop star set fire to his guitar?

    ANSWER: He wanted to draw attention to himself!

  • QUESTION: What did the big hawk say to the little hawk?

    ANSWER: "Give me five!"

  • QUESTION: Why did the Eskimo swallow a whole egg?

    ANSWER: He thought it was some air!

  • QUESTION: What did the robot do when it walked into the police station?

    ANSWER: It removed my shoe!

  • QUESTION: What's your favourite toy?

    ANSWER: A bed spring!

  • QUESTION: What did the robot do when it walked into the shoe repairers?

    ANSWER: It opened a grill in its neck, and pulsed a toxic foam on to my vest!

  • QUESTION: What did the astronaut say when he first stepped onto the moon?

    ANSWER: "The moon is excellent!"

  • QUESTION: Why did the astronaut throw a spoon at his child?

    ANSWER: To stop it touching a plug!

  • QUESTION: What did the big astronaut say to the little astronaut?

    ANSWER: Get out of that air vent.

  • QUESTION: What happened when Superman's shirt got torn off while he was fighting a monster?

    ANSWER: He ran home and got changed into his favourite cardigan!

  • QUESTION: Which bird cannot fly?

    ANSWER: A bird with broken wings!

  • QUESTION: What did the Eskimo have for his dinner?

    ANSWER: A penguin's ribcage!

  • QUESTION: What does Superman eat for dinner?

    ANSWER: Giant potatoes!

  • QUESTION: What fish cannot swim?

    ANSWER: The dead one in my pocket!

  • QUESTION: Why did the Oliver Twist sob into his oats?

    ANSWER: The beadle had cruelly emptied a scuttle of coal dust into the bowl!

  • QUESTION: What did the little satsuma say to the big satsuma?

    ANSWER: Are you an orange?

  • QUESTION: What happens if you cross a kangaroo with a plum bob?

    ANSWER: Nobody knows that.

  • QUESTION: Why did the Eskimo throw his shoes in the sea?

    ANSWER: I don't even know.

  • QUESTION: Where do tomatoes go on holiday?

    ANSWER: They go to owl land!

  • QUESTION: What's a tomato's favourite snack?

    ANSWER: Lots of lovely labels!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a tomato in distress?

    ANSWER: The Kraken!

  • QUESTION: What happened when Spider-Man and The Invisible Man joined a pottery club?

    ANSWER: They both made an ashtray in the shape of a boat, and then Spider-Man tilted his head back and made a funny hissing sound!

  • QUESTION: Why do bees buzz?

    ANSWER: They're made of electricity!

  • QUESTION: Why don't you get wasps at the North Pole?

    ANSWER: "Buzzcause" they don’t "snow" where to go!

  • QUESTION: What happened when Frankenstein's monster tried to make a cup of tea for his master?

    ANSWER: First of all, he forgot to put any sugars in, and then – as he was carrying it over - he cracked off a guff so loud that the cup broke!

  • QUESTION: What happened when Guy Fawkes went to Ikea?

    ANSWER: First, he got over-charged for a nest of tables. Then he stole the cashier's hairnet! And then, as he was pulling out of the car park, an ice-cream van crashed into the side of his moped, and he cracked one off!

  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a cat with a helicopter?

    ANSWER: "Feline" fine!

  • QUESTION: What does Rolf Harris do when he's not on Animal Hospital?

    ANSWER: He's a cat burglar (ha ha ha - not really, kids!)

  • QUESTION: How did the duck wash its feet?

    ANSWER: In a bowl of broth!

  • QUESTION: Why do ducks "quack"?

    ANSWER: Because they're drunk!

  • QUESTION: Which whistle-blower couldn't get out of his house to release the state secrets?

    ANSWER: Edward Snowed-in (Snowden).

  • QUESTION: What's another word for snow?

    ANSWER: Land-milk.

  • QUESTION: What is the coldest part of a snowman's body?

    ANSWER: His "snow-vard"!

  • QUESTION: Where do bees get their eyes tested?

    ANSWER: At the waspticians (opticians)

  • QUESTION: What do you call a prude who has a bugle for a snood?

    ANSWER: Telemicus-9-9-8!

  • QUESTION: How many Beliebers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    ANSWER: Just-in-finity (Justin Bieber reference, yeah?)

  • QUESTION: Who was the most foul-mouthed Egyptian pharaoh?

    ANSWER: Gordon Rameses (Ramsey).

  • QUESTION: Why are you always having dreams that you work in an office?

    ANSWER: Because you work in an office.

  • QUESTION: Why does Luke Skywalker enjoy drinking milk from a monster's boob?

    ANSWER: Because he's a pervert.

  • QUESTION: What does Father Christmas keep under his hat?

    ANSWER: A "silbury nut"!

  • QUESTION: What does the "i" in iPhone stand for?

    ANSWER: "I wish I was dead!"

  • QUESTION: What were Adolf Hitler's brothers called?

    ANSWER: Bdolf and Cdolf Hitler!

  • QUESTION: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

    ANSWER: Your funeral!

  • QUESTION: What's the opposite of a penis?

    ANSWER: A penisn't!

  • QUESTION: What are the four scariest words in the English language?

    ANSWER: "Look: there's a monster!"

  • QUESTION: What did Father Christmas say when his trousers fell down?

    ANSWER: "I'm normally such a good boy!"

  • QUESTION: Why did the founder of the Virgin Group's phone have a tidy little beard?

    ANSWER: It was Branson's handsome Samsung!

  • QUESTION: Why does Father Christmas live at the North Pole?

    ANSWER: Elf reasons (health reasons)

  • QUESTION: How many elves does it take to change a lightbulb?

    ANSWER: Elven (eleven/11).

  • QUESTION: Who is the worst reindeer?

    ANSWER: Sleigh-vard!

  • QUESTION: How do robots wish each other Merry Christmas?

    ANSWER: "1110011101011110!"

  • QUESTION: Who has the biggest dong in the North Pole?

    ANSWER: Father Christmas (it's the sound his doorbell makes)!

  • QUESTION: What did the snowman want for Christmas?

    ANSWER: A vape stick!

  • QUESTION: What was the head louse's favourite Christmas song?

    ANSWER: Walking in the Hair (Walking in the Air)!

  • QUESTION: What is the snow at the North Pole made out of?

    ANSWER: Splenda!

  • QUESTION: What three things does Santa always take into bath with him?

    ANSWER: A loofah, a badge, and a peeeeeanut!

  • QUESTION: What is the opposite of Christmas?

    ANSWER: Santa's funeral!

  • QUESTION: Why should you never eat tinsel?

    ANSWER: You'll get tinselitis (tonsilitis).

  • QUESTION: Why does Rudolph have such a red nose?

    ANSWER: It's been rubbed raw from shoving it up your mother's arse!!!!

  • QUESTION: In Bulgaria, who delivers the Christmas presents to the children?

    ANSWER: Piltdown Man.

  • QUESTION: What do posh people eat for Christmas dinner?

    ANSWER: Prawns (out of a busby).

  • QUESTION: Who is Santa's favourite reindeer?

    ANSWER: Soulless Jim.

  • QUESTION: What do snowmen eat?

    ANSWER: Talc.

  • QUESTION: Why is Santa Claus always saying "Ho ho ho"?

    ANSWER: He's choking (it's a choking noise).

  • QUESTION: What do you call a reindeer with no antlers?

    ANSWER: Hooper-K.

  • QUESTION: What do depressed air conditioner repairmen open at Christmas?

    ANSWER: Sad-vent calendars.

  • QUESTION: Tra-la?

    ANSWER: Lpp-lpp!

  • QUESTION: What noise does Santa Claus make when he's snoring?

    ANSWER: "Hzzzz Hzzzz HONK!"

  • QUESTION: Why is Rudolph's nose so red?

    ANSWER: It's bleeding.

  • QUESTION: What is an elf's favourite TV show?

    ANSWER: Elf (Alf).

  • QUESTION: How does Superman celebrate Christmas?

    ANSWER: By repeatedly pulling his pants down!

  • QUESTION: What did Santa get for Christmas?

    ANSWER: The chance to stab his least-favourite elf!

  • QUESTION: Why did the bulbs on your Christmas tree float away?

    ANSWER: They were fairy light (very light)!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a snowman with a coin for a nose?

    ANSWER: Coinzy!

  • QUESTION: Why was Jesus born on Christmas Day?

    ANSWER: That's just when he plopped out!

  • QUESTION: Why was Rudolph's nose so red?

    ANSWER: Branvard (another reindeer) had kicked him in the face!

  • QUESTION: Why was the Eskimo excited?

    ANSWER: Inuit (he knew it) was Christmas!

  • QUESTION: Which reindeer attempted to overthrow the North Pole?

    ANSWER: Coup-dolph (Rudolph)!

  • QUESTION: How do robots celebrate Christmas?

    ANSWER: 11011101010111!

  • QUESTION: What did the Three Kings give to Aquaman for Christmas?

    ANSWER: A myrrh-maid (mermaid)!

  • QUESTION: Why did God get the Virgin Mary pregnant?

    ANSWER: He fancied her!

  • QUESTION: What's the worst thing to have for Christmas dinner?

    ANSWER: Grief!

  • QUESTION: What does Father Christmas look like naked?

    ANSWER: Just really veiny.

    • QUESTION: How does Jay-Z contact the dead?

      ANSWER: He asks his wife, Seancé

    • QUESTION: What's the funniest way to respond when somebody called Lorraine asks what you'd like for your tea?

      ANSWER: Shout "Quiche, Lorraine!" furiously, while trembling and twitching!

    • QUESTION: What sort of headwear do dentists wear to work?

      ANSWER: A molar hat (bowler hat)!

    • QUESTION: Why couldn't the baby sheep feel its feet?

      ANSWER: It had numb-lamb-limbs!

    • QUESTION: What does the "B.B." in B.B. King stand for?

      ANSWER: "Burger Burger"

    • QUESTION: How do theme park owners track the number of passengers on their rides?

      ANSWER: They use a flume log

    • QUESTION: What sort of business did Benny Andersson set up when he left the music industry?

      ANSWER: ABBA (a bar)!

    • QUESTION: Why couldn't the hairdresser decide what to use to style his hair?

      ANSWER: "You might as well face it - he was drowning in combs!"

    • QUESTION: Why did the conductor arrive at the concert hall with a sack of falcons?

      ANSWER: He wanted an all-kestrel (orchestral) performance!

    • QUESTION: What is the address of Area 51?

      ANSWER: Number 52 Mustard Street!

    • QUESTION: If cows go "moo", and sheep go "baa", what noise do civets make?

      ANSWER: "Achtung!"

    • QUESTION: Who is the biggest actor in Spain?

      ANSWER: Samuel El Jackson (Samuel L. Jackson)!

    • QUESTION: What's the best way to deal with diarrhoea?

      ANSWER: Clench your anus while handing out the cards

    • QUESTION: What did Father Christmas say when he lost his passport?

      ANSWER: "It'll turn up"

    • QUESTION: Why does Santa dress in red?

      ANSWER: So that his psoriasis is less noticeable

    • QUESTION: What is a frothman's favourite Christmas movie?

      ANSWER: Foam Alone! (Home Alone)

    • QUESTION: What did Father Christmas say when he dropped his glove?

      ANSWER: "I'd better pick that up"

    • QUESTION: What did James Bond have for his Christmas lunch?

      ANSWER: 0.07 prawns!

    • QUESTION: How do snowmen breathe?

      ANSWER: Through their snowstrils (nostrils)

    • QUESTION: What type of computer did Adele get for Christmas?

      ANSWER: A Dell

    • QUESTION: Which of the Three Musketeers is the most festive?

      ANSWER: Baubleboy

    • QUESTION: What does the Earth's mantle celebrate on December 25th?

      ANSWER: Crustmas (Christmas)

    • QUESTION: What does Santa give his elves for Christmas?

      ANSWER: A nude dance with plenty of leg-spreading!

    • QUESTION: What's the smelliest part of Rudolph the Reindeer?

      ANSWER: His bumhole

    • QUESTION: Where do turkeys spend Christmas?

      ANSWER: Heaven

    • QUESTION: What's the worst thing to get at Christmas?

      ANSWER: Killed

    • QUESTION: What's long and scaly and made of wood and is full of tools and your dad?

      ANSWER: The "shed" skin of a snake!

    • QUESTION: What sort of mound is very woolly and silent?

      ANSWER: A ssssh-heap! (sheep)

    • QUESTION: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

      ANSWER: A worm biting into your Adam's apple!

    • QUESTION: Why did James Bond wrap the bad man Blofeld in a thin sheet of aluminium?

      ANSWER: He wanted to "foil" his plot!!!

    • QUESTION: Why is James Bond's boss called M?

      ANSWER: It's short for "Martin"!

    • QUESTION: What's the best way to wind up a clock?

      ANSWER: Keep calling it a watch

    • QUESTION: What is Batman's full name?

      ANSWER: Bathilda Mannington

    • QUESTION: What is Superman's full name?

      ANSWER: Jessuper Assman

    • QUESTION: What is Spongebob Squarepants' full name?

      ANSWER: Spongerobert Squarepants

    • QUESTION: What was King Henry 8th know as after 1971?

      ANSWER: King Henry 0.125

    • QUESTION: Can you complete this Olympic medal sequence: Gold, Silver, Bronze...?

      ANSWER: ...Rice Krispies, Tallow and Ghee

    • QUESTION: Where does Slenderman live?

      ANSWER: On a narrowboat in "Lankyshire" (Lancashire)!

    • QUESTION: What do you call a chicken you're not related to by blood?

      ANSWER: Step-hen (Stephen)!

    • QUESTION: Which pop group was made up of people who were related to one another via their parents' marriage?

      ANSWER: Steps!

    • QUESTION: Which other other pop group was made up of people who were related to one another via their parents' marriage?

      ANSWER: Steps-Club 7 (S-Club 7)!

    • QUESTION: What do you call a man who has just been told by another man to mark a line in his favourite can, using a sharp knife?

      ANSWER: My-Tin Score-Says-He (Martin Scorsese)!

    • QUESTION: What do you call a man whose sister is covered in fine hairs, and is impressed by the growth in her fields?

      ANSWER: Farm-sis Furred Cop-O-La (Francis Ford Coppola)!

    • QUESTION: What is a ladder's favourite Disney film?

      ANSWER: 'A Ladder' (Aladdin)

    • QUESTION: What is a fishmonger's favourite packaging?

      ANSWER: Codboard (cardboard)

    • QUESTION: Why did Delboy fall through the bar?

      ANSWER: He'd suffered a fatal heart attack!

    • QUESTION: What is the best SIT-com of all time?

      ANSWER: 'Chairs' (Cheers)

    • QUESTION: What happened when the canoeist went over a scary weir?

      ANSWER: He kayak-ed his pants! (Cacked his pants)

    • QUESTION: Who was the hippest monarch?

      ANSWER: Queen Pelvictoria. (Queen Victoria)

    • QUESTION: What was George Orwell's dentist's favourite book?

      ANSWER: Enamel Farm. (Animal Farm)

    • QUESTION: What is the opposite of Christmas?

      ANSWER: Christmasn't

    • QUESTION: Why does Father Christmas have such a bulging sack?

      ANSWER: He only gets to empty it once a year

    • QUESTION: How can Father Christmas see you when you're sleeping?

      ANSWER: By not forgetting to leave the curtains open

    • QUESTION: Why do we eat roast turkey on Christmas Day?

      ANSWER: Raw turkey contains E.coli

    • QUESTION: What's the worst thing to find in a Christmas cracker?

      ANSWER: A joke with no punchline!

    • QUESTION: Are you having a nice Christmas?

      ANSWER: No

    • QUESTION: What were Frosty The Snowman's eyes made out of?

      ANSWER: Brooms

    • QUESTION: How do dodos celebrate Christmas?

      ANSWER: By remembering when they were alive!

    • QUESTION: What sort of teeth do reindeer have?

      ANSWER: Animal (enamel)

    • QUESTION: Did Father Christmas do an accidental vomit on the narwhal?

      ANSWER: No, he did it on porpoise (purpose)

    • QUESTION: What's the correct way to pronounce "gift"?

      ANSWER: "Jift"

    • QUESTION: What did the ironic snowman want for Christmas dinner?

      ANSWER: Cheese melts!

    • QUESTION: Can you complete the lyrics "Silent night, holy..."?

      ANSWER: "Shit!"

    • QUESTION: Why does Father Christmas say "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

      ANSWER: It's short for "Horny! Horny! Horny!"

    • QUESTION: Why do robins have red breasts?

      ANSWER: They've rubbed themselves raw

    • QUESTION: What does Father Christmas do the rest of the year?

      ANSWER: Uber driver

    • QUESTION: What sort of dance did the wasp do at his prom night?

      ANSWER: The hive (jive)!

    • QUESTION: What was the wasp's favourite band?

      ANSWER: Paul McCart-bee And Wings (Paul McCartney And Wings)!

    • QUESTION: What did the wasp use to pay for dinner?

      ANSWER: Honey (money)!

    • QUESTION: What noise do ducks make under water?

      ANSWER: "Aquack!"

    • QUESTION: How does Neil Armstrong get to work?

      ANSWER: He catches the "Buzz" (bus)!

    • QUESTION: How did the juggler ruin the Royal Variety Show?

      ANSWER: Bit (a) lad/got sad!

    • QUESTION: What happened when the scholars had an argument about a teenage Dutch diarist?

      ANSWER: They had "Anne Frank" exchange of views!

    • QUESTION: What’s black and white and brown all over?

      ANSWER: A nun with diarrhoea!

    • QUESTION: What is William Shakespeare best known for?

      ANSWER: He was the first ponce!

    • QUESTION: How do German bakers greet one another?

      ANSWER: "Gluten tag!"

    • QUESTION: Who is the patron saint of dinosaurs?

      ANSWER: St. Egosaurus

    • QUESTION: Why doesn't Elton John approve of risk assessments?

      ANSWER: Because he thinks Elton safety's gone mad!

    • QUESTION: What's the worst way to say goodbye?

      ANSWER: "Hello!"

    • QUESTION: What do cows take with them to the office?

      ANSWER: Their beefcase (briefcase)!

    • QUESTION: What is "Del Boy" short for?

      ANSWER: Deli Boy

    • QUESTION: Who was the most disruptive of Henry VIII's wives?

      ANSWER: ASBOleyn (Anne Boleyn)

    • QUESTION: Who invented windows?

      ANSWER: Seymour Throughwalls!

    • QUESTION: What was Benjamin Franklin's favourite sport?

      ANSWER: Bennis (tennis)

    • QUESTION: Who is your best friend?

      ANSWER: "Fantasy" Bongo!

    • QUESTION: Why are German cats the unluckiest animals in the world?

      ANSWER: Because they have "nein" lives!

    • QUESTION: Why was the president of Russia standing atop a 5-star London hotel?

      ANSWER: He was Putin on The Ritz!

    • QUESTION: What animal says "Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo?"

      ANSWER: Time-bird

    • QUESTION: Which author's books can you buy through instalments?

      ANSWER: Hire-Purchase Lovecraft

    • QUESTION: Why did the man say "After eating those nuts my throat has closed up tighter than the American border?"

      ANSWER: He had a peanut allegory (allergy)

    • QUESTION: Why are elephants your favourite animal?

      ANSWER: You're a sucka for trunkz!

    • QUESTION: What's the worst bird in the world?

      ANSWER: A cackatoo (cockatoo)

    • QUESTION: What's the best way to ruin a Harry Potter book?

      ANSWER: Write it badly

    • QUESTION: Why was Scarlett O'Hara disappointed with her birthday present from Rhett Butler when the river at the bottom of her garden overflowed?

      ANSWER: Because frankly, my dear, he didn't give her a dam!

    • QUESTION: How long do cats live for?

      ANSWER: "Pardon?"

    • QUESTION: Why did the convict have a rainbow coming out of his cell window?

      ANSWER: He'd been sent to prism (prison)!

    • QUESTION: How smart are dolphins?

      ANSWER: Not very smart. They don't even wear formal clothes!

    • QUESTION: Which nut comes before all others?

      ANSWER: The pre-nut (peanut)

    • QUESTION: Why did the singer Robert Palmer keep eating gauntlets and mittens?

      ANSWER: You might as well face it – he was addicted to gloves!

    • QUESTION: Why did the hunched old man have a gateaux between his shoulder blades?

      ANSWER: He suffered from back-cake (backache)!

    • QUESTION: Who discovered America?

      ANSWER: Rudy Latrine

    • QUESTION: What's the most complicated choose-your-own-adventure book ever written?

      ANSWER: The Dictionary!

    • QUESTION: Who has four legs, comes from Asgard, waves a hammer around, and likes sugar lumps?

      ANSWER: Thorse

    • QUESTION: What's the most extreme form of worms?

      ANSWER: Wormz

    • QUESTION: What will the pop singer Seal be known as after he dies?

      ANSWER: Sealed

    • QUESTION: What did Father Christmas say when he found an eel in his gift sack?

      ANSWER: "Well... I wasn't expecting that..."

    • QUESTION: What are the main ingredients of a crème brulee?

      ANSWER: Commanders' bangs and poo!

    • QUESTION: Why was the Chinese chef dead?

      ANSWER: He'd committed chop sueycide!

    • QUESTION: What's the best sequel of all time?

      ANSWER: Queen Elizabeth II!

    • QUESTION: What was Buddha's surname?

      ANSWER: Bing-Buddha-Boom!

    • QUESTION: Why was the pirate thrown out of the alehouse?

      ANSWER: He kept flashing his privates at the bar staff!

    • QUESTION: Can you complete the title: "The Shoemaker and the..."?

      ANSWER: "Pelmet"!

    • QUESTION: How did Robert Downey Jr surprise The Fonz?

      ANSWER: Suddenly, he emerged from some bracken!

    • QUESTION: What did the big toe say to the little toe?

      ANSWER: "Hello, you mouthless wonder!"

    • QUESTION: What did Park Won-soon, mayor of the largest city in South Korea, say when he was elected to office?

      ANSWER: "I've got Seoul, but I'm not a soldier! I'm a mayor!"

    • QUESTION: What's the worst thing to put in a sandwich?

      ANSWER: A fire!

    • QUESTION: Why are cannibals so shrewd?

      ANSWER: Because they are canni' fellows (canny fellows)!

    • QUESTION: Why did the farmer nail an artery to the top of his barn?

      ANSWER: He wanted to make a weather vein (vane)!

    • QUESTION: Who was the smelliest crooner of them all?

      ANSWER: Rank Sinatra

    • QUESTION: What is the name of Elton John's South African cousin?

      ANSWER: Biltong "Apartheid" John!

    • QUESTION: Who were the most swollen heroes of all time?

      ANSWER: Distenders of the Earth... (Distenders)!

    • QUESTION: What do you call an orphan who lives in a crevice?

      ANSWER: Cranny (Annie)!

    • QUESTION: What is the plural of "Sss!" (the noise snakes make)?

      ANSWER: "Ssses!"

    • QUESTION: What goes "ththth!"?

      ANSWER: A stutterer!

    • QUESTION: Which is the most imbalanced presenting duo on British TV?

      ANSWER: Dominant & Dec!

    • QUESTION: Where will Noel Gallagher's brother's German mouse be buried after he dies?

      ANSWER: In a maus-o-Liam (mausoleum)!

    • QUESTION: How do you recall the name of your favourite painter?

      ANSWER: Remembrant!

    • QUESTION: What's that smell?

      ANSWER: Broccoli - and onion gravy!

    • QUESTION: Which actor always tries to discourage you from paying for postage?

      ANSWER: Deterrence Stamp (Terence Stamp)

    • QUESTION: Why are dentists so depressed?

      ANSWER: Mouths are disgusting

    • QUESTION: Why does the Tooth Fairy sneak into your bedroom at night?

      ANSWER: Because she's a pervert

    • QUESTION: What's the one thing you should never do in the bath?

      ANSWER: Drown

    • QUESTION: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

      ANSWER: These ones are very well-trained

    • QUESTION: When was Paul Hardcastle born?

      ANSWER: The n-n-n-n-nineteenth century!

    • QUESTION: What's the worst way to wake up?

      ANSWER: With something spraying across your mouth

    • QUESTION: Where do French canine leg joints go on holiday?

      ANSWER: Dog's Knee Land Paris (Disneyland Paris)

    • QUESTION: Where do hirsute truckers go when they die?

      ANSWER: "Hair-van" (Heaven)

    • QUESTION: What does the "C.S." in C.S. Lewis stand for?

      ANSWER: "Corn Starch"

    • QUESTION: What does the "J.K." in J.K. Rowling stand for?

      ANSWER: "Jesus Killer"

    • QUESTION: What did the wasp use to pay for dinner?

      ANSWER: Honey (money)!

    • QUESTION: What does the "H.G." in H.G. Wells stand for?

      ANSWER: "Hemoglobin"!

    • QUESTION: Who said "Do not go gentle into that good night – choo choo!"?

      ANSWER: Dylan Thomas The Tank Engine

    • QUESTION: Who wears big earrings and delivers letters?

      ANSWER: Postman Pat from EastEnders!

    • QUESTION: Which fruit gives you an electric shock?

      ANSWER: Zapples (apples)!

    • QUESTION: Which movie was about war, espionage and government shampoo regulation?

      ANSWER: Timotei Law, Soldier, Spy (Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy)

    • QUESTION: Who puts the "ulb" in "bulb"?

      ANSWER: Ulby "Bulby" Feathers!

    • QUESTION: What did Superman say when he ran into a pharmacy just as it was closing?

      ANSWER: "TICKETS PLEASE!!!"

    • QUESTION: What's the first thing the dentist puts in your mouth when you go for a check-up?

      ANSWER: A hot cone!

    • QUESTION: What's the best name for a dentist?

      ANSWER: Dennis

    • QUESTION: What's the weirdest name for a dentist?

      ANSWER: Siddrap

    • QUESTION: Where's Wally?

      ANSWER: Up your bum

    • QUESTION: How do you stop a goose from making noises?

      ANSWER: Put a peg on its beak!

    • QUESTION: What's a fun way to abbreviate "pamphlet"?

      ANSWER: "Pamphy"

    • QUESTION: Why are you in for a big surprise if you go down to the woods today?

      ANSWER: Dogging

    • QUESTION: Why did the student eat his homework?

      ANSWER: He was having a breakdown

    • QUESTION: What did the old volcano say to the new volcano?

      ANSWER: "WHOOOOOOSHHH!"

    • QUESTION: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding half a maggot?

      ANSWER: Biting into an apple and finding a murderer!

    • QUESTION: Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom?

      ANSWER: He was just some dead kid!

    • QUESTION: What did the kitten receive for winning Rear of the Year?

      ANSWER: The Cat-Ass-Trophy

    • QUESTION: What brand of bottled water do birds prefer?

      ANSWER: Avian (Evian)

    • QUESTION: Why does Santa deliver presents to everyone on Christmas Eve?

      ANSWER: He thinks it makes him look like a good person!

    • QUESTION: What other part of Rudolph is bright red?

      ANSWER: His scrote

    • QUESTION: Who prepares the chimney before Santa slides down it?

      ANSWER: Pedro Sodd

    • QUESTION: Who are the most ironically named badminton players in the world?

      ANSWER: Dennis Ball, and Don Wimble.

    • QUESTION: Which animal has the largest breasts in the world?

      ANSWER: A z-bra.

    • QUESTION: Which made-up animal has the smallest breasts in the world?

      ANSWER: A duck-billed flattychest.

    • QUESTION: Which snake produces milk?

      ANSWER: An udder (an adder).

    • QUESTION: Which snake helps you clean high windows?

      ANSWER: A ladder (an adder).

    • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a wild dog with a fairground ride?

      ANSWER: Wolf Ferris (Rolf Harris)!

    • QUESTION: What subject are butterflies best at?

      ANSWER: Moths (maths).

    • QUESTION: What's Elton John's favourite drink?

      ANSWER: Bum Ongo(ing)!

    • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross Buzz Aldrin with Neil Armstong?

      ANSWER: Beil Aldrong.

    • QUESTION: What was Rick Astley referring to when he sang "Never gonna give you up?"

      ANSWER: Cigarettes.

    • QUESTION: What do you call a man who tries to put an earring in his grandmother's ear, and accidentally ends up hurting her?

      ANSWER: Pierce Bruise-Nan (Pierce Brosnan).

    • QUESTION: What does Father Christmas eat for breakfast?

      ANSWER: Nothing - he just "hums"!

    • QUESTION: Why does Batman dress up like a bat?

      ANSWER: No real reason - he just really likes bats!

    • QUESTION: What happens if you make a Dalek inhale helium?

      ANSWER: It talks in a voice that only dogs can hear!

    • QUESTION: What does The Man In The Moon put on his dinner?

      ANSWER: Gravity (gravy)!

    • QUESTION: What hat does he wear?

      ANSWER: A crater-bonnet!

    • QUESTION: What sort of tiger doesn't have stripes?

      ANSWER: A burnt one!

    • QUESTION: What do you call a vicar who wears a leather jacket, has a quiff, and rides a motorcycle?

      ANSWER: The Font-z!

    • QUESTION: What was considered to be the bad artist's worst characteristics?

      ANSWER: His poor-traits. (Portraits)

    • QUESTION: Which pop star is the biggest idiot?

      ANSWER: Bellender Carlisle. (Belinda Carlisle)

    • QUESTION: Which singer sounds most like a trumpet?

      ANSWER: Trom Bones. (Tom Jones)

    • QUESTION: Why can't you feed Gremlins after midnight?

      ANSWER: They'll choke to death on one another's scrotums!

    • QUESTION: What do you call a man whose son is in a hurry to chew the lower mouth bone of some animal?

      ANSWER: Jaw-Gnaw-Son Rush (Jonathan Ross)!

    • QUESTION: What do you call a man who heckled me while I was playing a DJ set and scratching the records using a couple of chickens?

      ANSWER: Jeer-Me Hen-decks (Jimi Hendrix)!

    • QUESTION: What do you call a girl who hates to have a soak in the small hours?

      ANSWER: Hell-is-a-bath-early (Elizabeth Hurley)!

    • QUESTION: Why can't ducks change lightbulbs?

      ANSWER: They can't reach the ceiling!

    • QUESTION: What's Father Christmas's favourite food?

      ANSWER: Crows cooked in snow!

    • QUESTION: Why was King Neptune in such a bad mood?

      ANSWER: He was Poseid' (beside) himself with anger!

    • QUESTION: What was Benjamin Franklin's favourite sport?

      ANSWER: Bennis! (Tennis)

    • QUESTION: Where do New Age chickens go for solstice?

      ANSWER: Stonehen. (Stonehenge)

    • QUESTION: What's the worst way to say goodbye to someone?

      ANSWER: "Hello!"

    • QUESTION: Why did the man have a gateaux between his shoulder blades?

      ANSWER: He suffered from "back-cake"! (Back ache)

    • QUESTION: What are the main ingredients of rice pudding?

      ANSWER: Sheriff hair!

    • QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?

      ANSWER: Because he was chicken-spiffy!

    • QUESTION: What is B*Witched's favourite food?

      ANSWER: Irish pudding!

    • QUESTION: Why did the Germans and the British play football on Christmas Day?

      ANSWER: They were too busy with all their war the rest of the year!

    • QUESTION: What did Santa give his elves for Christmas?

      ANSWER: Instructions.

    • QUESTION: Why was Rudolph's nose so red?

      ANSWER: He'd picked all the skin off!

    • QUESTION: What was Christ's surname?

      ANSWER: Mas.

    • QUESTION: What is 'Christmas Eve' short for?

      ANSWER: Christmastopher Reeve.

    • QUESTION: Why did Santa drain all the blood out of one of his reindeer?

      ANSWER: He was a blood Donner (doner).

    • QUESTION: What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in the chimney?

      ANSWER: Heart attack, diarrhoea etc.

    • QUESTION: What does James Bond like to eat at Christmas?

      ANSWER: Men spies (mince pies).

    • QUESTION: What does BLT stand for?

      ANSWER: Bamuel L. Tackson.

    • QUESTION: What does the C stand for in Arthur C. Clarke?

      ANSWER: Cum.

    • QUESTION: What was Jesus Christ's favourite song?

      ANSWER: I'm Forever Blowing Bibles (Bubbles)!

    • QUESTION: How do you make a pigeon sigh?

      ANSWER: Pierce its gas bladder!

    • QUESTION: When will these jokes stop?

      ANSWER: Almost immediately.

      The Man and Digi's Jokes

      The Man started telling jokes shortly after we learnt that his daddy would apparently never return, which was eventually disproved. Digi must have missed being able to tell these warped jokes, prompting The Man to gush a number of them in the style of his daddy. Before the paternal jokester returned in 1998, Digi even got in on the act themselves in reply to a few letters, contributing a few more Daddy-style classics to the canon. And... here they are:

  • QUESTION: Why do whistles go "wheeee"?

    ANSWER: Air blows through them

  • QUESTION: What did the man say to the waiter?

    ANSWER: "Hello dude"!

  • QUESTION: Where do cats come from?

    ANSWER: Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats"!

  • QUESTION: Why did the chicken stop?

    ANSWER: Because it was restricted

  • QUESTION: Why did the doctor observe the patient?

    ANSWER: No one knows that

  • QUESTION: Why did the train blow smoke?

    ANSWER: Because it had nothing else to do, of course

  • QUESTION: What is the weirdest snow in the world?

    ANSWER: Brown snow, also known as "impossisnow"!

  • QUESTION: What did Father Christmas say when he got stuck up the chimney?

    ANSWER: Don't worry. I'll be all right.

  • QUESTION: What's Father Christmas's wife called?

    ANSWER: The Easter Bunny!

  • QUESTION: What do cats get as presents?

    ANSWER: Kittens!

  • QUESTION: Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into outer space?

    ANSWER: To see his flat mate!

  • QUESTION: What's pink and wobbly and belongs to grandad?

    ANSWER: Lilly!

  • QUESTION: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a woolly jumper?

    ANSWER: A motor-pike!

  • QUESTION: What do you call a man with a fish for an eye, a brush for a mump and a mump for a ramp?

    ANSWER: The Vision!

  • QUESTION: Why are apples green?

    ANSWER: Because the yolk's on you!

  • QUESTION: Why do cows have two tummies?

    ANSWER: One is for the pies, the other is for ice!

  • QUESTION: Do hares look like rabbits?

    ANSWER: Not really!

  • QUESTION: Why do turtles have shells?

    ANSWER: To keep their stuff in!

  • QUESTION: Where do moths live?

    ANSWER: Mothdon (London)

  • QUESTION: What do Amiga owners smell of?

    ANSWER: Cat piddle

  • QUESTION: Where do eskimos go to the toilet?

    ANSWER: In the snow!

  • QUESTION: When is a cow not a cow?

    ANSWER: When it's beef!

  • QUESTION: Where do eskimos go to die?

    ANSWER: An ice rink!

  • QUESTION: Why did the orange stop?

    ANSWER: Cliff!

  • QUESTION: Why do birds fly south in winter?

    ANSWER: In case they get a hole in one!

  • QUESTION: How do you get cool at the football?

    ANSWER: Open a window!

  • QUESTION: What do wolves wear?

    ANSWER: The blood of their victims

  • QUESTION: Why are apples round?

    ANSWER: Because the boxing "ring"!

  • QUESTION: What do witches eat?

    ANSWER: Cat pies!

  • QUESTION: What car does a Viking drive?

    ANSWER: A Ford (fjord) Longboat

  • QUESTION: What noise does a cat make when it's going down the motorway?

    ANSWER: Pooooooon!

  • QUESTION: Why did the Cluckston eat Rolf?

    ANSWER: Hen-me-do!

  • QUESTION: Where do chefs go on holiday?

    ANSWER: Cook-stralia!

  • QUESTION: Who says "Tie my kangaroo down sport - the sport golf"?

    ANSWER: Golf Harris.

  • QUESTION: What game do the bits of bread play?

    ANSWER: Loaf (golf).

  • QUESTION: Why do pigeons like wasps?

    ANSWER: Coo knows?!

  • QUESTION: Where do owls come from?

    ANSWER: Neston

  • QUESTION: How do German dogs say goodbye?

    ANSWER: Adieu (bark)!

  • QUESTION: What sport do ants like?

    ANSWER: Antball! (Football)

  • QUESTION: What does a cat say when it's going down the motorway?

    ANSWER: Must go fast! Must go faster!

  • QUESTION: Why are dictionaries so big?

    ANSWER: Because of all the words, man!

  • QUESTION: What drives a moped and destroys Japan?

    ANSWER: Mod-zilla! Hahahaha.

  • QUESTION: What clothes do dogs wear?

    ANSWER: Adi-dog (Adidas).

  • QUESTION: Where do balloons live?

    ANSWER: In a clown's nightmare!

  • QUESTION: What do bruises look like?

    ANSWER: Purple skin-cakes!

  • QUESTION: Doctor, look: why are my arms so long?

    ANSWER: You're a g-g-giraffe!

  • QUESTION: Why do bees hum?

    ANSWER: Because they're out of phase!

  • QUESTION: Why do dogs like bones?

    ANSWER: Because they're drunk!

    The Man's Excellent Observational Comedy

  • Have you ever noticed that when a car full of pessimists collides with a car full of optimists, that an implosion occurs? Also, when a lorry full of chickens overturns on a motorway, and we hear about it on the news, are the "chickens" actually human cowards?

  • Have you ever noticed that when you throw an egg at your cat, you can only actually hit it in the face about three out of ten times? And have you ever noticed that some doctors are shorter than you? I ask you - how are you supposed to have any respect for someone who’s shorter than you are? It’s madness I tell you! Cu! Cu!

    Do you know any of the much-sought-after early Man's Daddy Jokes? If you do mail me superpage58@gmail.com with it right now, man.

    Home

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    Mr T - stay away from my bins!
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    You Have Messed-Up: Letters To Digi
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    Fake Adverts: Here
    Alex Garland's Tribute To Digi
    Alex Garland's Tribute To Digi
    Edge Magazine Decade Of Digi Article
    Edge Article: A Decade Of Digi
    Retro Gamer Digi Feature
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    Insincere Dave!!!!!!?!!!
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    Edward Lear's Limericks
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    Prints: A Famous Pop Singer
    Dr Derek Doctors: Is It Safe?
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    Biffovision: Edge Columns
    Biffovision: Edge Columns
    Mr Biffo interviews
    Mr Biffo interviews


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