Every now and then, The Man would take time out of diarising the events of his strange life, and treat us to various bits of ephemera from within his mind-noggin. None of them particularly fit anywhere else, so they're collected here for your consideration now, Howard.
Your Stars - by The Man
Your Stars - by The Man
The Man turned astrologer during 1998, imparting the knowledge gained from his psychic wisdom to the masses. He was even been able to identify new signs, although he neglected to mention when you have to be born to fall under them. Anyway, read now the mystical advice of The Man...
"The big bush at the bottom of your garden will catch alight tonight. Take precautions by covering it in a fire-retarding sheet. Your lucky ball is: Cricket ball."
"You'll be visited at 2:05 pm by a man claiming to be Daddy Cool. Do not invite him into your house, as he is really Count Dracula. Your lucky ball is: beach ball."
"You will get drunk today and find yourself reeling about on the shallers of a mandrill. The mandrill's name will be Mr. Monkey. Your lucky hat is: Easter bonnet."
"The only people who talk to you today will be your butcher, and a man who claims to want to buy your telephone. Don't let him do this - he is really a serial killer called Danny Swift. Your lucky hat is: Space helmet."
"Today is a good day to fall in love, as it will be quite sunny. Also, I've bought you a box of biscuits which I intend to deliver at approximately 2.05 pm. Your lucky TV region is: Meridian."
"You'll find a crate in your loft containing back issues of Whizzer & Chips, Whoopee, and Shiver and Shake comics. You will enjoy reading them. Your lucky TV region is: Anglia."
"If you decide to go to the pub tonight, you might find it surprisingly crowded for a weeknight. Rent a video and stay in instead. Your lucky 1970's sci-fi TV series is: The Saviours."
"Today you will ask a friend to come to a barbecue you're planning for the weekend. Unfortunately, he's going to his sister's house and cannot attend. Your lucky 1970's TV series is: The Tomorrow People."
"Something awful will happen to you today, but I am not at liberty to say what. To improve chances of survival avoid contact with burly sailors. Your lucky sci-fi show creator is: Chris Carter."
"You will awake this morning distraught to find your feet have been crushed by the collapse of your ceiling. No, wait - that's Sagittarius. Your lucky sci-fi show creator is: Gene Roddenberry."
"You won't feel a thing today when you are hit over the skull by a clown's monkey. This is because you have contracted a bizarre virulent disorder. Your lucky fun-fair ride is: helter-skelter."
"Today is a good day for you: a friend will give you his tickets for a recording of Have I Got News For You. He can't go because he has to attend his uncle's funeral. Your lucky fun-fair ride is: the waltzer."
"You'll finally find that five pound note you lost - your insane grandmother had taken it to be cleaned. She will return the note at 7.35 pm today. Your lucky nickname is: 'Big Ears'."
"Today is a good day to decorate your living room, as you have just bought a load of wallpaper and paint and stuff. The paint is a terracotta colour for a Mediterranean feel. Your lucky nickname is: 'Pongo'."
"Today will bring you the prosperity and wealth you've long dreamed of, in addition to a terrible, all-consuming urge to break and destroy. DESTROY. Your lucky goth: Wayne Hussey out of 'The Mission'."
"Fortune will shine on you in the form of a foreign gentleman with a lightbulb for a face, and you'll find yourself unexpectedly remembering the time your trousers fell down at the outdoor pop concert. Your lucky goth: Dave Vanien out of 'The Damned'."
"A large envelope will arrive for you today. Inside will be a number of tennis-coaching tapes that you won't remember ordering. Perhaps they were intended for a neighbour. Your lucky shoe: The brogue."
"An accident in your kitchen will result in the spoiling of the entire contents of your pantry. Spaghetti, tins of Londong grill, bottles of Vimto - all will be needlessly ruined. Your lucky shoe: The pump."
"You'll wake up this morning and not know where you are, but don't panic: your bed fell out of the window last night and rolled down the road into a different town. Your lucky Monopoly piece: Top Hat."
"The power of love is a curious thing - it makes one man weep, makes another man sing. Also: how much is that puppy in the window, the one with the waggly tail? Your lucky Monopoly piece: Boot."
"Somehow you'll get to see 'Clash Of The Titans' twice today but you won't know how. It may be on TV, or you might just play the entire movie out in your head. A good day all round! Your lucky hologram: A blinking eye."
"The forces of evil will conspire to make a chocolate bar melt in your pocket, not in your mouth. This is a metaphor for ill health, which is on it's way in the form of shingles. Your lucky hologram: A fist punching through a sheet of glass."
"You'll unexpectedly be offered a job as a Tom Jones impersonator today, by a Japanese corporation wanting you to perform at the opening of their new European office. Your lucky lunch: corn beef sandwich."
"Your lawn will be stolen while you're down the social security office today. The only clue to the thieves' identity is a dry cleaning ticket. Could it be your brother-in-law playing a joke? Your lucky lunch: Take-away salad from Pizza Hut."
The Man's Songs
If you were reading Digi in March 1999, you would have become aware that one of The Man's careers was as a professional R'n'B songwriter. He did stuff for all the greats, man - working with artists "as diverse as Shania Twain and that woman who used to be Beth in Neighbours". New songs especially written for tinplated pop harlequins Steps and "Billie" will surely guaruntee him a hit or two. Here's what he's come up with so far...
LOVE GETS UP MY NOSE
Love gets up my nose,
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Love gets up my nose,
L-l-l-la-la-la-la-love plus one.
Love is all around me.
It's even up my nose.
Stinking cesspool vengeance,
A bleeding heart corrupted by hate,
Dynamic threat evidence of disease ,
Motorcycles underline the greed,
A boy cries against a wall.
It's a happy, happy, sunny holiday,
Dance! Sing! Shout-Hooray!
YOUNG FUN (GO FOR IT)
Destruction creates a vacuum,
A black hole of social degradation,
A crown of thorns for a proxy king,
Who holds bitter hands against a bitter wind.
Let's Go! Young Fun!
Go For It! Yeah!
MY HEART IS IN BLOOM
A ship sinks in the sea,
What can that mean?
A metaphor for society's decline?
Or just a tragic accident?
WHERE WERE THE LIFEBOATS?
My heart is in bloom!
It-a make-a me go boom!
ROCK 'N' ROLL REBEL
My powerdrill is perfect,
For drilling holes in walls,
I then fit several rawlplugs,
Which allow me to insert screws.
I affix a shelf to the screws,
And display my model buses on it
I'm a rock 'n' roll rebel,
But I won't do that!
The Man's Poetry
For a brief period in March/April 1999 The Man was appointed Poet Laureate, "whatever that is", being charged with the task of coming up with poetry that was better than anyone else's and that. He immediately started to come up with prose that was relevant, powerful, and as at the heart of the day's issues as a ferral cat pawing at the meths-soaked liver of a dead tramp. So now, take a good long, jaundiced look at the following plate of Spam (Man poetry)...
There was a young man from Kent,
Whose mouth was askew and abent,
When he tried to eat rice,
It didn't look nice,
The rice would spill, spill, spill,
From the corner of his mouth,
Oh dreaded famine,
Why dost thou plague this orb?
There was a young cow from Milan,
Who dreamed of a hat made of Spam,
She dreamed and she dreamed,
And she dreamed and she dreamed,
But never did the goddess Dysephene answer her call,
Dysephene had abandoned that cow,
And that's really bad.
AN ODE TO ANTARCTICA
Ping pong using snowballs as the ball,
All of these things are possible,
In the magical...
There was a young man from Leeds,
Can be fun.
In an unexpected move, The Man rented out the prime advertising space on his diary page to the loveless singletons of Britain. Whilst it allowed him to feel good about himself by helping out those looking for some good lovin' tonight, it also got him out of having to write another entry in what by then must have been a groaning lung of a diary. Now see what the lascivious hordes had to say, mother:
FAT WOMAN, 38, needs ginger-haired man for immediate production of ugly children.
"BAKER", 23, "kneads dough" to make "doughnuts". Must like smell of yeast.
PROTOCOL DROID, 75, looking for astromech droid to remove his restraining bolt.
"HOME BREWER", 23, wants to "drink home-brewed ale". Must like smell of yeast.
DUCK PATROL FAN, 28, seeks lady for tender evenings spent watching Duck Patrol, and romantic afternoons spent walking along riverbanks near to where Duck Patrol was filmed.
BLISTERED ASTRONAUT, 58, requires pretty girl, 18-22.
JAMES BOND LOOK-A-LIKE, 34, wants his Miss Moneypenny to fill this aching, gaping hole in his sad, sorry, fruitless existence.
DECAYING CYBORG, 18, seeks big horse for rides around the park and friendship. Must have own paddock.
POWERFUL THUG, 56, requires "charming man" for brawls outside pubs, etc. Non-smoker, GSOH.
ONE BLIND MOUSE, 24, needs "farmer's wife" to "cut off his tail" with a "carving knife", and "hickory dickory dock" and "running up the clock". Heavy smoker, poor sense of humour.
The Man's Dictionary
Without warning The Man became a lexicographer one day in April 1999, presenting us with a number of definitions of various obscure words. The reasoning behind the inclusion of the final selection that made it to broadcast is unclear, but they all seem to stink of aspects of The Man's bizarre life. Fetch the festering oar and let us rake through them now, child:
That feeling you get when you sit down to see what's on telly tonight, and realise that there's nothing on. You consider going to the video shop, but remember you still owe £3.50 on that copy of Scream 2 which you took back a day late, and eventually end up drinking yourself into a sad and lonely alcoholic stupor.
To drink yourself into an alcoholic stupor because you're depressed over your best friend's new job which puts him on a higher salary than you, and with better perks.
The act of placing male toy action figures in compromising positions with an elder sister's fashion dolls. And then setting fire to them because Satan told you to do it.
Stunted giant, or ogre.
Female form of the duffle coat.
Slang. Used to describe someone with a uncommonly heavy d**r**, or "d****s**t**u."
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (firstname.lastname@example.org) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.