© Steve Horsley
Mr Benn teletext art by Steve Horsley

"Hello, yes? I am he: Mr. Benn; arthritic principal cast member of the great show: Mr. Benn. It was on during the seventies and eighties, and I can assure you that it was excellent, but I have no way of proving this to you now seeing as I'm dead, and that. Now amuse your pointless lives with these dull Digitiser quotes."


The Buck (Quotes) Stops (Start) Here:

"HP Lovecraft might sound like an art practised by Mr Biffo and his brown sauce bottle - and it is!"

"It's one of those platformers where you control three guys with different abilities, and you have to swap between them at the appropriate moments. It's like a dream Mr Hairs once had."

"Polygons? These are the size of bus windows, and traverse the screen with all the suave nonchalance of a palsied blackbird on ether."

"Sifting through the play options and putting them into action is as straightforward as drawing a snake on your face."

"Even so, you might easily be forgiven for thinking this was some sort of stupid 7th Guest add-on disk. But not by us - we can never forgive you."

"Stunt Race FX looks to be a direct cross between the graphical styles of Mario Kart and Virtua Racing. 'Funnee' combined with 'seriousee'."

"We haven't felt as awe-struck and insignificant since contemplating the enormity of Frontier's universe whilst on codeine."

"Once the realisation sets in that you don't know what you're supposed to be doing, you'll force it through a stove."

"The plot bored us so much we had to go into space."

"Overhead graphics so basic your 486 will shoot over them with Biffo-like uncontrollability."

"Crazy Chase, with its isometric clown antics, swept through our legs like a pine needle tossed on a nougat-scented gust of alpine air."

"We're givin' them away like there's no tomorrow - even though there is!!!"

"The Jungle Book was a book first, right, before it became a famous cake."

"Enemies range from crabs, to wasps, to W.A.S.P. and Judas Priest."

"A spokesman for Future Publishing said: 'I can see your nan's house from here'."

"If only Mr Biffo could have confined his activities to a Widget Workshop, he might have been a free man today."

Widget Workshop: "Jack Dee joke."

"After the weary farce that was Larry 6, it's a relief to come up against a Sierra game that really gives you the willies."

"Almost everything about it is fragrant."

"Incensed by talk that they're not doing all they might to promote the A1200, Commodore have announced that they'll be giving away hot pudding to anyone who can sing to them about 'Drummond'."

"We had the exclusive Virtual Soccer review back in 1066, but we decided you're too stupid to remember it."

"A more arcade-ish game, with more goals than there are 'fellas' in our U-bend."

"Suppose Mr Biffo went back in time and stopped Mr Cheese from ever being arrested for having those 'books' under his bed? It'd all be a bit different now, we can tell you."

"We have to confess that since Elite 2 sucked our noses off, the sight of another space trading/combat title crashing through our porcelain skylight causes us to squeeze ants gently."

"It's also the longest course on the US Tour, with an opening hole of 644 yards (some 643.999 yards wider than Mr Biffo's)."

"You may want to consider this. But don't eat it!"

"We went to the theatre once. We were scared though. All those fish. And that big machine with the cogs and the special tongue. That's actually a true story. Is it?"

"There's been a fair bit of fluff on our Police Quest needle of late."

"We found PQ4 on floppy shiny - but just too huge (three of the previous six words have caused Mr Biffo to faint)."

"Initially, there's a lot to remember when playing Hardball '94, but it all comes naturally in the end. Biffo?"

"So many tournaments, you might even break your knees."

"There was a letter about tramps, but we spilt sulphur on it."

"A very brief fiddle with a pre-production copy of the game resulted in Mr Hairs scoring a hole-in-one. Not unusual for a man of his talents, but it rarely happens to him in golf games."

"Multiple-button combinations open up a vast range of moves your players can perform, including: headers, chesties, kneebos, fendos, kemdos and wignalls."

"You can even give your team a talking to, with advice such as 'get stuck in' and 'spit that out'."

"Also, the crowd sound as if they're all asthmatic or breathing through kazoos."

"Maxis have been keen to put some of those Sim millions into broadening their portfolio (no, Biffo. NO)."

"You know how sometimes you look back on something you've done and think: 'Damn, I'm nude!'? It's a bit like that with us and the Hot Topic, only it's you that's nude. You idiots!"

"You may also find crates containing friendly animals who will let you ride them. But only if you shave first."

"And the 3DO came out. And so did Mr Cheese!"

"We hate Sonic because he owns an Amiga."

Three wishes for 1995: "Mr Biffo wishes sloppy public relations people would get their act together. Mr Cheese would love a new hard drive. Hairs, however, has his fingers crossed in the hope that his neighbour, Mr Bambos, will finally submit to his requests."

"Can we stretch this piece out to fill another paragraph? No - it doesn't look like it!"

"There's also a new control option, enhanced replay, and a sticker of an elephant being shot. That just isn't true!"

"Mario is surprised to see Napoleon and Garibaldi holding hands at a stock car rally. When he intervenes, Haile Selassie and Clive Sinclair jump him. Later he's forced to watch as King Herod and Lloyd George ride a young pig across a bridge."

"In the words of Solomon Grundy: 'Descent is a futuristic shoot 'em up that manages to out-Doom Doom! I was born on a Monday'."

"Do otters descend on you while you sleep?"

"'What's up with the dogs?' Bugs Bunny is Marubeni's latest Warner Bros platformer."

Mortal Kombat 2: "'Finish' him, Mr Biffo."

"However, Escom may decide on a number of additions to Commodore UK staff, including: a wolf called Palmer, a diver by the name of Captain GMT, and a dinosaur named Richard Bach."

"This isn't at all interesting."

"Although your email did arrive some time ago, by only putting it out now we are able to make you look stupid."

"The one zinc lining to the vast storm cloud: it runs on a 386, so even poor people can get bored."

"If you're attracted by the prospect of undoing your opponents by sly share deals, you might start to become happy, but then you might stop."

"Gran Chaser could describe Mr Hairs, whose predilection for ageing crones landed him in jail on four occasions."

Woodruff & The Schnibble: "Hood Fluff & The Biffo."

"The more we think, the more sand comes out of our mouths."

"You know what they say about daddys: 'Daddys are here all the time!'"

"Super Stardust means well, but like a bad monster, it can't help trying to kill children."

"Any major cut in price would hurt Panasonic as much as if a large crab pinched them in the belly. They would go 'Oooh!'"

"For most popes, one world of SSI RPGs would be more than enough. But if you aren't a pope, well, here are three!"

"We've never heard of Lemmings, and neither have you."

"It's better than someone having to wear a big coat in the sea."

"You can climb onto a hedge and leap onto your foe, or run into a stationers."

"Using your special 'lock-on' feature is particularly useful when dealing with the larger bosses. As Mr Hairs often says."

"Of course, it's nothing like the top-down chase Mr Hairs took part in after meeting up with his friends on the motorway."

"Moving and attacking is as simple as shoving a spike into a warren."

"So then, that's three swooping 3D levels full of Tarantino refugees and Blues Brothers, yes? No. Yes!"

Foreman For Real: "Poor Mr Hairs - he's usually after Four Men For Something Awful. Do you see?"

"No surprises really, but it isn't as bad as stomach ache."

"Up against Actua Soccer for the title of Chrimboard Footman, FIFA '96 is that rare thing - a drowned bin."

"This is only Monopoly, but it's done so well that you'll almost certainly want to write a rock opera about it."

SU 27 Flanker: "Cockney rhyming slang."

"The biggest bonus is a neat track designer... we were able to produce some very interesting shapes. Can you imagine what? Yes'm, we made one in the shape of a pe"

"Why all the fuss over Rayman? It smells like dog food to us. The tired platform gameplay made all six of Mr Hairs' dwarven helpers 'drop off'."

"Surely Ubisoft could have produced something with a bit more excitement. Like a horn made out of diodes."

"Great name for a cartoon; but oh, what a lovely war (average game)!"

"We wish you hadn't written this letter."

Escom's Amiga UK layoffs leaving only two members of staff: "It's a sad state of affairs, made worse by our lie that one of the surviving staff is 11 years old."

"It's likely that your first attempts at Sega Rally will have you ricocheting across the tracks like a crab fired from a catapult."

"Running on a DX3 is all well and good, but in the games market, charity is next to nudity."

"We know it isn't fair to compare a racing sim to an arcade racer, but it just slipped out. Like an egg."

"Listen, it was just so much better to look at and play than any of the other PC tilt-dingers that have suddenly burst out of that sleeping juror."

"There are plenty of view options in Tilt, but the 2D and 3D scrolling modes are as much use as an invisible piston."

"The game will be available this summer, you stringed-up div."

"Activision's bloke Robert Kotick says: 'Peter has the creativity to create a games universe etc. etc.' It wasn't very interesting anyway."

"They got Johnny Cage's Low Blow wrong in the Mega Drive manual, too. Just as well Mr Biffo was already a 'Low Blow' expert."

Return To Ringworld: "Yes, another one that had Mr Biffo puffing red steam - before we told him it was actually a point-and-click adventure about space fugitives."

"System Shock tells the predictable tale of a hacker, who, on waking from a government-induced six-month sleep, discovers a computer has gone berserk and put all the salt in the shower."

"The eventual aim of wandering around the space station is to find a terminal and 'jack in' to cyberspace. Mr Hairs!"

"The vast array of vehicles just about stopped us from grasping a ralst."

"Druid is quite goo-id (good)."

"How dare we insult our audience by putting out stuff like this?"

Endorfun: "Poor Mr Biffo! He thought this was a three-word question, and spent an age agonising over his final choice."

"No. You've murdered your parents, forged the Luncheon Vouchers, joined the Moonies: now play the media's favourite subliminal message-doused kid-rotting PC experience."

"Endorfun is unlikely to love you if, like us, you possess the spatial skills of a damaged stork."

Endorfun: "End of fun"

"Biting a further trotter off this week's 'sad news' pig, trade mag CRN asserts that Goldstar are about to put all their 3DOs in a bucket of thinners."

"Now Goldstar UK are unable to confirm that the machine will be sold here next Christmas, either in shops or prisons."

"You probably knew that X-Wings derive their name from the large brown 'X' that George Lucas has tattooed on his back."

"Even at full detail, Zone Raiders ran like a scared pimp on our DX4."

"A load of camera views and smarmy wee graphic touches like translucent water (replete with submerged brothels (objects))."

"A bona-fide interactive movie, The Darkening features performances from Brian Blessed, John Hurt and Christopher 'Street' Walken."

"Take parts (ramp, ball, pump, belt, felt, kilt), make machine, perform comedy task (feed cat, belittle poet)."

"This would be worse than someone having to go and live under a bridge, and then the bridge turns into a dragon."

"It only goes to show what a lot of us have been saying for years: it's really funny when Americans mess up."

"The PC needs another arcade-style racer like Kiss need another kite."

"If you're considering buying a PC in the near future, here's some news that may make you reconsider: we've siphoned all the money out of your bank account."

"Our advice would be to wait for a couple of months, and then spend the money on a mannequin of Aken Drum."

"The only other thing we must tell you is why we are whispering, but we can't because it's a secret. You agent!"

Primal Rage: "Bobby Gillespie."

"Look, guy: look at this awful 3DO port-over and smack it with your magic fist."

"There is a word for this sort of thing, and that word is 'mallacks' (shovelware)."

"Tekken 2 controls so smoothly, it's like sliding a hot lens through a chocolate femur."

"Gone are the days of fiddling with a sticky manual. Whoosh!"

Fat Sow: "If you don't think this will have any effect, just take a look at the Nintendo release schedule, which is spinning out of control like a rutting doe in a khazi!"

"There are eight definite things in this world that people either love or hate. The first is The Need For Speed on 3DO. The other is watching a wizard struggling in a box."

Chart Cat: "Have you ever seen a growing lad cry? I know I have, and it was wonderful!"

"It's starting to happen: our football game entertainment threshold has begun to perish like a tramp's fingernail in a cup of vinegar."

"Frankly, the Nintendo 64 football game catalogue is about as interesting as a conversation about inert gasses between a couple of drunken researchers at a scientific gala ball."

"There were some 1,600 new titles premiered at the Atlanta Electronic Entertainment Expo – some good, some worse than coming home to find a tramp has used your favourite casserole dish as a toilet."

"Thou hast swallowed one too many mess-up pills, son."

"It must be pointed out that Outwars' visuals are about as appealing as kissing a tramp's stomach, but the gameplay is a significantly better quality of belly."

"We might not care about it that much, but will that stop Sony releasing it here? Yes! No."

Chart Cat: "Besides these two, the CD Top 30 is comprised of 28 PC titles. How long can this perfectly monstrous situation persist? Five years!"

Gossi The Dog: "It isn't every day that a monkey gets invited to sit on my head, but one was when I first heard the next rumour."

"In Japan, where Resident Evil is known as 'Biohazard', the new editions of the game will be known as Biohazard: The Next Project, or Biohazard: Super Gay Guys Go Monkey Crazy."

"Just because something's old doesn't mean it's not good. Our grandfather can still disco dance and 'body pop' with a few roman candles under his commode."

"Yes, it does have a stupid name, but then so does Tokyo Sexwale – and look at him now!"

'Your three gaming wishes' Hot Topic: "It did prove to us how few of you can count. We lost count of the number of entries which contained more than four wishes, because you see – we're unable to count either!"

"Sometimes a little hole would open which you'd be required to shoot into. Did Mr Hairs say something then?"

"The only chance a barber like you will ever get to shoot Boba Fett or explore the inside of a kiln (Star Destroyer)."

Sony and Nintendo's next consoles: "'Apparently', both firms have the design of their next systems already figured out: both machines will resemble vibrating cloth eggs."

"Please, father, take this game and bust it up."

"Unfortunately, though, Doctor Smell is here to ruin the party."

Gossi The Dog: "Well, I'm so glad to see me again – and so are you!"

"Brick, clock, block – daddy has a shop! That's a little rhyme."

"LUST FOR LIFE! Etc. etc. LUST FOR LIFE! Etc. etc."

Die Hard Trilogy: "Hip hip hooray, mother dearest!"

"We won't insult your intelligence by telling you that this is a racing game. However, we will insult your intelligence by telling you that motorbikes only have two wheels."

3D Ultra Mini Golf: "Eighteen holes for under 20 quid? You can't get that sort of value anywhere, not even down at the docks."

"Anecdote: Mr Biffo used to work at Wembley Arena. Once, chaos erupted prior to an ice hockey game when a player found his boots had been filled with human liquid waste. It. Is. True."

"War? War is stupid... and people are stupid. If people weren't stupid, they'd probably not have invented guns, except to shoot cows, because people like to eat cows for dinner."

"There ain't nothing like a boat! Except perhaps, a dame."

"It isn't every day that a big swan walks into your bakery and coughs a load of walnuts over your toes."

"The Segaworld site in London is at last proving popular, but is still less popular than Womack & Womack."

"Not only is the game one of the most hideous abominations ever to push its face through our curtains, it controls about as well as a London taxi with a dead eel in place of its front axle."

"Actually, that isn't entirely true, but it might have been true had it really happened."

"Luckily, Digitiser has both football fans and pariahs on its books, otherwise poor Mr Biffo would be left scratching his head - and not for the first time."

"B-a-kk-kak-krr-kak! Don't worry, we're not doing an impression of someone with brittle bones trying to climb through a window, this is the sound that was made when we snapped our Asghan CD in half."

"As if that isn't enough, Encyclogame continues with 'E' (which 'is good')."

"Best of all, though, is that you can customise the artwork on your plane. Can you guess what we painted? Can you? Mmm, can you?"

"You may think that's a glib statement to make, but then you're not pilled-up Jacobites, like what we are."

"Eat THAT, so-called Planet of the Apes."

"Like Nintendo's Game and Watch anthology Game Boy Gallery, the immediate effect of this Activision anthology is to remind you how poo games used to be."

"Every so often she says stuff like 'You'll ruin your eyes' and 'Dad is drunk'."

"See now how we raise our arms in despair, dear."

"Do you remember Kickstart with Peter Purves? It was a TV show which showcased the dirt bike antics of filthy young men."

"The bane of Mr Cheese's social life before he discovered the common, Championship Manager is the undisputed football lover's wolf."

"It's just stats, transfers and tactics from here until Noah stops. And now, he won't ever stop!"

"Mr Biffo was tantalised to note that the homage even stretches to your heavy breathing after 10 blokes shoot at you."

"It wouldn't be fair, though, to pretend that these are more than asthmatic popcorn vendors at the main event: the destruction of men's lives with lasers."

"We can understand how upsetting it is for the Americans not to have any history of their own before about 1976, but we wish they would stop wiping their pallid, streaky jowls over ours."

"It's as simple as a really stupid man."

"Ancient Rome is a perfect scenario for a good sim: pan-continental empire, big fights, authoritarianism and people making themselves sick."

"As you progress, aircraft and boats become available, adding yet more layers to this multi-textured jeremy."

"Whereas janitors may enjoy wandering along corridors you probably won't"

"Doom, Doom, Doom. Sigh. Doomy, Doomy, Doom-Doom-Doomy-Doom. No, we're not singing a new 'ragga' song."

"It's just that some kids are older than others and don't get offended by swear words or scenes of extreme violence."

"Command & Conquer united young and dead alike in passion for its blend of cunning combat strategy and running churchgoers down with big tanks."

"Ah yes - the American Civil War. The Southern states fighting for the right to eat fried chicken without the fear of persecution by liberals."

"You can still only face in one direction, your rider is still afflicted with arthritis..."

"Some 18 years ago, when we first cast our fiery beads over Marubeni's Bugs Bunny licence, we nearly pulled our hoods over our heads."

"Time Gate will, like a gathering of naughty bears, arouse love and punching in equal measure."

"'Look, dad - it's the PlayStation doing an impression of a Konami platformer on the SNES. Do you love me, daddy?'"

"Buy some vodka instead."

"Not appropriate for anyone over the age of 10 - but then neither is burglary!"

"And you can kick urinals off the wall!"

"Power cuts? That'll teach you for living in the late seventies to early eighties."

"We feel slightly better, and often manage to get drunk."

"Which only goes to prove the old saying: 'Pompt de div nation'."

"'Oh oui, du grand foot'!"

"And - ha-ha - the levels are themed around popular movie genres (no, not that sort, Mr Hairs)."

"Pop goes the weasle."

"It really made us laugh - especially Mr Hairs. Knocking young lads off always makes him 'crack up'!"

"Egg-stream spurts"

"You know the Bomberman story by now. If not, well, you're a buzzed-up bundle of K-links. That's a real big insult."

Super Bomberman: "Suits her bum, oh man!"

"But then again, no one listens to the opinions of drunks anyway."

FIFA '96: "Fee Fi Fo '96"

"It's not often a PVC quoit scrapes over an abscess."

"Mandrake Kangaroo"

"When Virgin took us on holiday to LA in 1994, one of the sights to catch our eye was the huge dent we made on the roof of our rental car by driving into a barrier in the Disneyland car park."

"Biffo prefers shooting Craps"

"It's almost illegal! But not in the same way as arson. Or 'clipping'."

"North Atlantic, Far East, Gulf - these are just some of the places we don't want you to visit."

USS Ticonderoga: "USS Smoke-on-the-water"

"We are on pills."

"But that cannot be allowed to be true!"

"Das Boot boys"

"Not unless you are a) Pistol Pete b) an Amiga or c) the Marquis de Sade."

"We were humbled to the state of breakdown. Just like in Hawaii 5-0!"

"Every back-handed lob dips in behind you... steady on, Mr Biffo, we're only talking about tennis!"

"Hmm.. an Amiga game relying on social interaction. And before you ask, your life-sized cut-out of Cat from Red Dwarf doesn't count. Joke!"

"'Super Tennis Champs isn't so bad, if you've got two joysticks and a mate to play with', says Mr Hairs, though he may be a little confused."

"Any game with players named Kras, Buzz and Synex must be congratulated on something."

"'It's also easier with a two button stick', Mr Hairs adds, and you know what? He's right again."

Super Tennis: "Soup or ten years?"

Hi Octane: "High egg stain"

Twisted Metal: "Blistered kettle"

"We expect many of you to be young and therefore stupid"

"Joan Solwell"

"Pinball '95 might seem worthy, but when its charms are held up to its buttocks, a hooter goes off."

"And what in Peter York's name is 'Fast Mode/Safe Mode' supposed to mean? Perhaps we should have asked Mr Biffo."


"Not smooth enough, Raymond"

"Shark-shaver's fault"

"Shove your Autoplay, Lech."

"Come on, son. Take off that cyberpunk adventure tabard and let's see you for what you really are: a welcoming hot-roy (a Doom clone)."

"Cybermen: you know, Dr Who."

"An amusing image fills the cover of this game: that of a leering Alan Sugar reflected in the back of a giant spoon. "

"Have you ever been in a lift when hallucinogenic gas is pumped in and the doors open and all these people get in but they look like grey monsters and you're screaming and, and... ?"

"Cohesive narrative? Adhesive narrow-pigs, more like."

Psychic Detective: "Side-kick defective."

"Question: Who says 'Tie my kangaroo down sport - the sport golf'? Answer: Golf Harris."

"Question: What game do bits of bread play? Answer: Loaf (golf)."

PGA '96: "P.G. Wodehouse."

"Firelighter collector"

"Fade To Black picks up the story of Colin Stagg (Conrad Hart), who is once again required to make everything get better by disciplining aliens."

"Why? Simply put, we're drunk."

"Yes: down the pub"

"We don't know why this is only being released here now - maybe the boat with all the games on it got boarded by pirates, and then the pirates got lost."

"Intimate Cornball."

Conqueror AD1086: "Badgame AD1996."

"But that doesn't mean anything!"

"Although we like to pretend the funny world of sitting around rolling 900-sided dice and decorating daft little lead orcs is a closed book to us, Mr Biffo's shamed past just won't shut up."

"But that needn't matter - not today! Today, we embrace a game that manages the impossible: it makes an engine out of rubber"

"The half-pixel option for 486 owners is like having to bathe a tramp."

"Pomp de la pomp de pomp pomp"

"You just can't cope, son"

"Stupid prix"

"Cheryl Baker? No: h-a-r-e. Ha ha ha."

Johnny Bazookatone: "Hasn't he got a funny name, everyone? It's because he's Polish, of course!"

"Johnny Bazookatone doesn't really want to kiss all those new wave, new generation, 32-bit gentlemen. Which is a bit stupid, really."

"As soon as a new one falls into our basket, we whip it out and smash it straight into an easel."

"Soleil-a St Claire"

"Hair-breaky harpoon"

"Johnny Slayer's not special"

"Yes! Or you could listen to Johnny Hates Jazz!"

"Yes. But that's like putting some lipstick on a dead tramp and calling him a supermodel."

"Go away"

"We really hate you, man"

"You've got a great name, man. It's just a shame you're from somewhere called 'Bognor'."

"We wish everything to do with American Football could be stuffed into a picnic egg and be eaten up, but that probably isn't going to happen."

"Miss American Pie (Football)"

"Question: What's the best joke ever? Answer: Gand-eaters!"

"Anne of Great Navals"

"Phone neighbours"

"This isn't Sesame Street, you know."

"Like in that Steve Martin film, 'Faster, Pussycat, Kill! Kill!'."

"Beowulf the book joke"

"Kra-zy horses: wargh, wargh"

"Wife of weed?"

"Damn you alcohol! Damn you and your intoxicating properties!"

"Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies? Sturat N Hardy - he ate all the pies"

"Hockey, hockey, hockey - oui, oui, oui!"

"It's so lovely that we actually cried krill!"

"But that's no crime as evil as, say, using a 'scarface' mask to frighten a hermit - in fact it's probably a good thing. Like giving cash to the hermit!"

"Chop chop - tree now drop!"

Shinobi X: "Shinobi X-cellent joke"

"Every time we receive a new RPG we're sure it'll be the giant strawb that snaps the monkey's back."

Rayman: "Rain man joke"

Rayman: "Hoffman/Cruise joke"

"Some wearily 'zany' cartoon Professor Giggle-Maths teaching kids division by parping a horn whilst the Grammar Cat scratches verb endings on its stomach."

"And if your children's brains are hot and powerful, you can upset them by switching between Mr Kingsley and a strident Bavarian."

"Kokama: by the Beach Boys!"

"But please - please don't upset world opinion or island happiness by making too much of a mess. Or pretending to be the grandson of the bloke who punched Houdini in the stomach."

"One might be good at negotiating with the locals, another at making them worship a plastic model of a skier."

"Mr Cheese is on holiday today, leaving us free to denounce him for the filthy and stupid pig he is."

"The Game at Poo Corner"

"Here is our latest joke: 'Here comes old Wing Arms, again!'. It isn't a joke with a punchline, it is a new sort of joke: the kind of joke that is a pithy comment. In this case it refers to the title of the game Wing Arms, and the humorous possibility that someone with the nickname 'Wing Arms' is approaching."

"Hello, Wing Arms!"

"Regal (Chivas Regal) (whisky)"

"Remember when CD-ROMs first came out? We don't - we were in a Bangkok jail."

"Mr Biffo's Incredible Machines has been delayed pending a court ruling."

"Sim Za-la Bim!"

"And you can play a gorilla if you have the proper code, Mr Simons."

"Chicken in a basket joke "

Earthworm Jim: "Dirthgerm Fin"

"Science is like a lewd furnace: proud."

"If you like dub and are kept awake at night by the thought of Big Brother tying your dog's string to his fascist-mobile's bumper, you might buy this."

"The film licence is a curious thing - it makes one man weep; makes another man sing! Do you see?"

"Not now, Mr Biffo."

"Months on, we still get the odd mealy-faced lament from 3DO owners affronted by a shocking review which damned Need For Speed to death with the fearsome oath 'You just drive about, man'."

"Well, no wonder Mr Biffo stopped seeing him!"

"Nero the Wide."

Secret Of Evermore: "Secret of Barrymore."

"Do the locomotion."

"Not Incredible Space Hulk."

"If M C Escher had been a game designer and not a fart, this is the game he would have designed."

"We remember the game being demonstrated to us a while back, by a little guy who clearly had as little idea as us as to what he was supposed to be doing."

"Not since the Yosser demo on the old BBC has a game been based around headbutting."

"Don't get us wrong - it's a fun game. But so is throwing batteries into a fire. But don't you do that, now."

"We're about as criminal as they come, what with our network of illegal gin houses and knocking shops."

"It would be great if the Devil wasn't the incarnation of ultimate evil and was just some dead goat in a field, because then there wouldn't be any evil in the world anymore. Alas, the Devil exists, and he really is a git."

"Activision is fast becoming the most versatile and prolific Jeremy in the games industry. Following auspicious beginnings as a close friend of the Atari VCS, and then a quiet decade spent barking at pigeons and being drunk on Strongbow in parks, the firm's kicked the booze, washed its gob and put on a decent pair of pants."

"You are a fat idiot, aren't you, son?"

"You'll be laughing on the other side of your gob when someone strangles a tramp with a Nintendo 64 joypad lead."

"We read your letter twice, and both times our brains couldn't be bothered to make sense of it."

"The Brazilian machine was shaped lile a potato and was called Space Device 47."

"But that's like saying that DNA tests have proven Mr. Tickle to be Elvis Presley's son."

"Yes, and you could call them 'The Super Squads'!"

"Well done, best yet!"

"You'll never get in, love. Our bunker is stuffed to the guts with Bisto and orange Fruitangs."

"OK, man! If 'Crump' is really your surname, it is possibly the best surname of all time."

"But that's like saying James Cameron will be arrested if new evidence was suddenly discovered to the effect that the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg and sink, and in fact made it to New York as planned with everyone onboard alive."

"Perhaps you could develop a game wherein a couple of naked dead guys drive a car."

"M1 Tank Platoon isn't particularly pretty, but neither are tramps, and you can have all sorts of fun with those guys!"

"Same as God has no control over illegal cock fighting arenas."

"Yes! The Man's Daddy is a funny guy!"

"We do this because we hate you."

"Incredibly, not a single one of them is an onion salesman. 'Les pompt de onion le sales de non! Pompt de free!' they kindly told us."

"Together the pair take on the red menace of a cybernetically-resurrected Chairman Mao, who plans to spread his evil Communist doctrine throughout the free world by infecting us all with a Communist Nano Virus."

"Hardy, we're amazed that you seem to have an opinion on everything; even things that you don't understand."

"Nintendo just rang to tell us it is going to kill you for saying that."

"How do you manage to make such astonishingly wrong-headed comments every single week, Hardy?"

"The only reason we publish your letter here is that we initially thought you'd written 'Stereotypical Salamanders'."

"One time we drew a rude picture in a notebook on the Sega PR man's desk when he wasn't looking."

"That's fine talk coming from Satan."

"Don't be stupid, man - we're the most important thing on television."

"But it sounds like rubbish."

"We all bow down to the twin gods of Chris Morris and Victor Lewis-Smith, man."

"Don't be coming round here with your dull-speak, man."

"...curiously, the hand held web browser only comes with a grainy monochrome screen. That's no good is it, lads? Eh, lads? Eh, eh? Lads?"

"Merci le zuttie pompt-froong!"

"Where Nintendo and Sega fought a clean fight, Atari's sly attempts to knock them out with a dead ram backfired, and the firm ended up eating the ram."

"You're the biggest monkey in town, Morris - you're Morris The Monkey."

"Because they hate you."

"Yes. We're just like Star Trek. May The Force be with you!"

"That's like telling David Beckham to French kiss a monk."

"You're probably better off with the devil you know. Unless that devil really is The Devil, and he wants to marry you; that would be an awful thing to happen to you, or anyone else."

"Unlike our own dear Mr. Udders, who has many friends he has to 'blow up'."

"But we still think Sega should have called it Super Toy 47."

"No: spend your money on gin. Enjoy..."

"Don't call us puerile, man. Sophistication is in the eye of the beholder. Poo poo, wee wee, etc."

"Not nude pictures, if that's what you're getting at."

"Unfortunately the reports of hardcore nudity are unconfirmed."

"No. We came straight to Digitiser from the drying-out clinic."

"Oooh, a female that's slightly off-centre and obsessed with snakes. Would you like to have dinner with us?"

"You don't know how lucky you are, you pigs."

"We think all the 'chicks' you mention should feature in the film. And in one scene - an action scene - they should meet and throw water and feathers at one another. While running. To music."

"But we only get letters from morons."

"If 'Fluid' was a person, his name would be 'Valentine du Pont', and he would drive around in a car shaped like an amethyst, and eat quail's eggs and peacock feathers for breakfast."

"We haven't seen the ads, since we had TV priveleges removed following an ill-placed chant about Marxism."

"Alas, as happens all too often with experiments, the monkey dies and the laboratory walls get covered in slime."

"We once knew a woman with Wild Arms - 'Old Wild Arms' we called her, though 'Old Stink-breath With An Ugly Face And Thick Copious Body Hair And A Big Fat Backside' would've suited her just as well. We would watch for hours as this peculiar creature stood in the middle of the estate, flailing her arms around her head like some sub-human dynamo."

"First-person and third-person combat with trolls and demons nestles comfortably beside the usual adventure nonsense like a hedghog in bed with a peach."

"We enjoyed it. But then we enjoy smashing plant pots with sticks."

"We wouldn't call £30 extortionate. But think of the amount of gin you could buy with that."

"The racing genre is like a freak show: you're always promised new and wonderful experiences, but when you pull back the tent flap all that's in there are a couple of hens up a pipe."

"Rollcage is no hen-pipe: it's a genuine freak. A 'monkey-hen', if you will."

"Zmbr Drrvv srrzzz shrtt thrrr frrgg rrrpp."

Zombie Dave: "Hrrr shrrrd drrrctt prrrnrr mrrrvrrz."

"You know you want it, you filthy boy."

"We're so excellent!"

"Or if your family are all drunk, you could log on to the Net and play with a family of real Nicaraguans."

"Knocking a board over is a lot more satisfying than hitting your PC with a shoe."

"Even so... pigs are good. Correction: pigs are excellent."

"Batman rocks!"

"Hello, I'm Stevie Wonder. I just called to say I love YOU!"

"It's a fairly safe bet that you don't play games because a Mafia hitman has threatened to assasinate your family if you ever stop."

Snake1: "Umm-baba. Umm baba is nada goodie"

Snake 2: "Hello, dad!"

"ET gets naked!"

"Bang! Wheeeee! Click-click... click."

"From a distance, monkeys are excellent: they look like little humans, going about their business doing funny stuff. But when you get up close to the monkeys, they're even more excellent!"

"Perhaps they're all out looking at those porn files. To see if... any of them... have used their... things. Etc."

"...Nnng... nnng... poo... poohead."

"What are you talking about?"

Grant Mitchell: "I, Mitchell Of Pub, declare my intentions of hate towards thee."

Mark Fowler: "I, Fowler Of Market, deny thy wrath, rascal."

"QUESTION: Do you want a new coat for Christmas, love? YES: 241 NO: 77"

"Apparently the next Indiana Jones film is going to be called 'Excellent Jones'."

"We're out of things to say now. We'll fill the remaining line or so with this suggested marketing slogan for grape salesmen: 'They're Grrrape (great)!' "

"And the language teaching facility allows plenty of scope for abuse: 'Tree', 'Ball', 'Git'!"

"Naturally, the battle to grab the publishing rights to the first games based upon rubbishy-named The Phantom Menace has been as visceral and bloodthirsty as a fight between D. Vader and a man with a sackful of bricks."

"You can smoke fags while playing games at home."

Zombie Dave: "Rrrr drrrnnlrrdd rrrdd prrrcttrzzz"

"It's 'Bully's Special Prize'!"

"We like 'PlayStation: ORBISON'."

"If the firm chooses not to go down this path, then it truly is 'insane in the membrane'."

"But then, we once bet £5 that Elvis was hiding in a bush, and it turned out to be a dead tramp."

"At least it didn't make us 'rally cross' (really cross)."

Zombie Dave on alt.digitiser: "Rrrzz fffrrl rrrff ffrrggrzz."

"So many racing games crawl, spider-like, across our bulging brains, that they tend to blur into one gelatinous mass which vaguely resembles a big, grey pudding."

The Digi subs strike again! This is how the above quote was originally intended to be viewed (thanks to Mr Biffo for pointing it out)...

"So many racing games crawl, spider-like, across our quivering lips, that they tend to blur into one gelatinous mass which vaguely resembles a big, grey pudding."

"Can you imagine how absurd it'd be if footballers invented their own slang?

Q: 'How did you play today, Alan?'

A: 'The conditions were totally minky, Brian, but we did real clarky.'"

"Don't knock the Soviet Union: if Alexy Pajitnov hadn't been a starving, vodka-soaked beetroot farmer he'd have never had the incentive to program Tetris. PLEASE NOTE: It is unknown whether Alexy Pajitnov was a starving, vodka-soaked beetroot farmer."

"Go and get your hair done - you'll feel much better about the world if you have a perm."

"If Superbike were a person, he'd be a 60-year-old charmer sipping on a glass of champers, twirling his 'tache and purring at the 'luvvly laydeez'."

"It's a nice enough game, and that, but it's time that the charmer died."

"Did you know we'd say that?"

"It truly is a most excellent game."

"In an interesting coda to this story, Mr Biffo subsequently beat the sales assistant to death with his shoe for his ill-mannered pre-emptive insolence."

"But don't you hit people with your shoe."

"You're definitely getting better, Hardy. In fact: 'Kiss me (us), Hardy!'"

On the number of American football games: "We should get our own back by sending them some fox hunting games."

"Sadly, the game is about as fast as a choking duck."

"Rather like a deranged combat veteran with a bullet lodged in his brain causing him to imagine spectral cockroaches crawling across his skin, wherever we turn these days we seem haunted by snowboarding games."

"...this is a game that will appeal to only the most patient player. Or those with reactions dulled by way of a bullet lodged in their brain."

"We stopped buying games mags when it got to a stage where we felt it neccessary to buy nudey magazines to hide them behind."

"Yes. Country House was a really excellent song."

"Yes, you're all right: it would be sad. But it was also sad when Atlantis sunk, and who misses that now?"

"Sweeping generalisations are great!"

"We're too ill-informed to make any sort of rational judgement either way."

"Except they were easier to break."

"We sort of know what you're saying. It's something about stuff, right?"

"Don't ask us: we're full of gin."

"Oh, man - that sounds like a job for Knight Rider!"

"If George Lucas were a lolly, he'd be the best lolly of all time. We'd want to keep him in the fridge and never eat him - not ever. Not even if we were really thirsty and there was a drought and a cat burglar had stolen all our drinks and the lolly was the only thing in the house. No way."

"You see, George Lucas is a 'King Cone'."

"Running Wild is a racing game, but it's a racing game with a difference - somewhat akin to sucking water through a pair of ladies' tights."

"It's an unoriginal game masquerading as something original and new. Like a brown sauce bottle full of Evian."

"Apologies: we're rambling on account of being poisoned. That's the last time we give a tramp love bites."

"You know: like the man who thought it'd be a good idea to hollow out oven chips and fill them with peas. Him so funnee!"

"It sounds rubbish, but it isn't. In fact it's as mad and as great as going to a disco dressed as a brigand."

"Stupid-name, you have messed-up."

"And for your information we're not Communists: we're Cybermen."

Extract from Ring-Sir!, 3/4/99: "US: ...your TV show, Are You Being Served? is very popular in my country. John Inman is a big star. 'I'm freeee, Mrs Pussy!' Ha ha ha!"

"It needn't be said non-fans will enjoy it about as much as they'd enjoy drinking a glass of damp sand."

"...we live in a nation of football obsessives, who'd buy freeze-dried horse retinas if there was a picture of Terry Venables on the box."

"It was about as appropraite as calling The X-Files 'Nude Mountaineering Hour'."

"Truth be told, the setting of Fallout is about as original as a new baked flour-based snack called 'Yread'."

"The more you think about it, the more stupid it becomes. It's like when you start to think about noses. Once you look at your nose in a mirror, it suddenly looks ridiculous and out of place on your face. Then start looking at other people. The more you look, the more their noses become absurd. It works for eyebrows as well."

"Save your money for something more worthwhile - gin!"

"Give us gritty contemporary stories about a man called Dave, any day. Dave lives in a council flat with a dog called Gripper, and likes nothing better than a pint down the Nag's Head and a flutter on the donkeys."

"Oh no! Your wife has been kidnapped by the evil Lord Silver, who wants to 'marry' all the non-males in the land."

"If you want to get back at them you should just go and throw red paint at their offices, man. Except: don't."

"The Emperor's new clothes? The Emperor's matching peep-hole bra and panty set, more like!"

"That's nothing, man: we once saw a ghost. No wait - it was a donkey."

The Hulk Vs Superman: "If they were to have a fight, it'd probably be more likely that Superman had laughed at the Hulk's haircut."

The French Beatles: "Ahh, bonjour! Jai Paul de pomp-de-pomp, c'est Ringo pomp-de-pomp-pomp avec magic sack. Hahahah!"

"Non, non, c'est Paul de pomp-pomp-de-pomp avec magic sack. Mon dieu!"

"Right now the last thing Sega needs is having to replace several thousand games, while simultaneously rubbing 'skank custard' into the face of it's dwindling customer base."

"We don't know what's more frightening: that you're paraphrasing Star Trek lines at us, or that we recognise them."

"We really hope that Nostradamus is right and that the Apocalypse is due to occur in July. If so, we'd rather not live through it if it's all the same. By all accounts the future is going to be a load of rubbish."

"Know you this: we're too stupid/drunk to answer such a big question."

"We're not saying Sega is stupid (except: we are)."

"Konami's Metal Gear Solid is the best selling game to date, with 220,000 copies falling into the trembling, chocolate-stained hands of UK PlayStation owners."

"Listen up: we have run out of patience with games that stink out our kitchen."

"Perhaps they'll 'hoe' us down. Oh-ho!"

"And anyway, those farm robots didn't scare us, man."

"If KKND Krossfire were a horse, it would've been smeared across the backs of envelopes long before now."

On the naming of games chain Game: "It must've taken weeks of careful deliberation and market research to devise a brand name which so accurately informs the consumer of the store's stock. Alternatives, discarded by Game at the 11th hour, included: Games; Shop; Computer Games; Computer Game; Computer And Video Game; Computer And Video Games Shop; Computer And Video Game Shop; Thornton's; Senor Lopez's History Of Erotica Wax Museum; Billy's Shop."

Future sport: "Uh... what about some sort of game where players have to kick hard boiled eggs at a target? Yes that would be most excellent!"

"...but we think we'll stick with our eggs/target game: Super-do 47."

"For anyone below the age of 25, Daley Thompson was at one time the greatest living athelete in the world, able to leap small buildings in a single bound, and probably smash brick walls down with his bare fists. Mr Biffo thinks he once saw him in a park. But it might've been John Conteh."

"Waiter, my flies are undone!"

"Is that French or something - you know, like FIFA stands for 'Le Frenchie Ist Frenchie Ar-ee Ar-ee-Orr', or something?"

"...but who wants to control a snowboarder which resembles the deranged etchings of a cabin-fevered cartographer?"

"Also: what is Big Air? Is it some sort of reference to flatulence, or trapped wind? Or is it just some meaningless phrase dreamed up by the spin-doctors of youth in a half-cocked attempt at grasping the zeitgeist? Yes."

"Don't worry: like Carmageddon before it, you'll be able to download a 'gore and swears' patch from the Internet, thus making a mockery of our inconsistent censorship laws. Yesss!"

"Facial hair is great."

Sega's DC launch bungling: "Picture a newly-crowned king greeting people, and saying 'Hello. I am the best king ever' - as his trousers and pants keep falling down."

"Especially when you realise that the geography bears about as much resemblance to the real London as it does to a couple of nests up a flue."

"But you've got to wonder if there's something wrong with us (that's 'us' collectively as a society, not 'us' singularly as gin-soaked, stretch-marked hacks)."

"What are you talking about?"

Geri Halliwell in a Spice Girls game after leaving them: "But gamers were indeed treated to the final, posthumous performance by the hoarse, clod-hopping, chicken-in-a-basket council estate mother-style pop star."

"Actua Ice 2's gameplay straddles the 'simulation' and 'arcade' donkeys with effortless grace, like a wayward ballerina let loose in a knackers yard with a bottle of hallucinogens."

"Like some aged lounge lizard, puffing away on an expensive cigarillo, Actua Ice Hockey 2 is polished, witty and charming, but you wouldn't necessarily want to kiss it on the mouth."

Zombie Dave on Lara Croft: "Thrrdz thrr brrrd wrrz thrr tttrrrdz."

"He's a sort of Tony The Tiger on steroids. Where Tony would say: 'Hello, son, would you like to taste my delicious breakfast cereal', T'Ai says: 'Hello, skank, I'm going to hit you really hard and break your face.'"

"So, the scrolling beat 'em up. Isn't that something of a dead genre? You know, like the 'honkey tonk mother strut 'em down' genre."

Zombie Dave: "Lrrrg rrrr grrrrv rrr shrrrrrrd."

"It sort of looks quite nice, with some bold visuals, but to the untrained eye so do bonfires, and you don't want to go putting your hair in there now."

"We're too full of cakes to make any sort of qualified statement today. We really like cakes."

Zombie Dave: "Wrrrrd rrr lrrrd rrrf frrrgn crrrr."

Zombie Dave: "Thrrrd grrrvz mrr rrrn rrrrrrrkshn."

"Agreed: Star Wars Lego is possibly the best thing ever."

"You know you're getting old when you start to question why Spider-Man doesn't just shut up and get on with apprehending the Green Goblin, instead of jumping around and cracking jokes. And why doesn't he ever call the police? Spider-Man is an idiot."

"MvSF features a different roster of combatants, which includes the likes of Spider-Man, Captain America, Captain Orange County, The Hulk, Captain Tri-State Area, The X-Men's Wolverine, Cyclops and Doctor Froth, and Captain Carnaby Street."

"Like our own evolution, which saw man split into two distinct lines - the excellent homo sapiens and the rubbish homo erectus (Ha ha! What's the matter, tree-man? Too stupid and ugly to get your opposable thumb to work?) - the FPS genre has been cleft in twain."

"It is unknown whether the monkeys are 'cheeky'."

"Old people are funny."

"The Hulk in a cape is an excellent thought. We'd also like to see Superman in nothing but torn purple underpants."

Sony's dominance and complacency: "It's a bit of a tortoise and hare situation, except in this instance the hare is so busy turning around to swear and laugh at the tortoise, that it runs the risk of getting run over by a big lorryload of drunk, joy-riding geese."

"We really wish animals could drive cars. There's probably nothing funnier than watching a monkey or a dachsund reversing into a parking space. We don't know why this would be funny, but it is: there's something inside all of us that finds anthropomorphism excellent. Who hasn't watched the PG Tips adverts and laughed until they bruised their throats?"

"Hooray for capitalism!"

"Are you, in fact, a 'crazy damn person' if you think that way?"

Zombie Dave on Star Wars: "Drrrd Vrrrgrrrr rrrz rrrr wurrngrrr."

"Jiminey Cricket is an idiot."

"Our inability to understand sport has been well documented in the past, but confronted with cricket, our brains shut down completely. Perhaps this is because our brains comprehend cricket as a stupid, pointless thing."

"And once this trend really picks up steam, it will be like trying to stop the moon with a pair of ladies' tights."

"A Dreamcast Seaman bundle is on the way, which comes with the game, a microphone headset, and a limited edition see-through console, which Sega describes as 'jewellery white'."

"Barring the name, and a title page image, this has about as much to do with Miss Kournikova as it does with Taggart."

"She probably feels bad that we won World War II and the 1966 World Cup."

On The Phantom Menace game being released before the film: "It has no doubt tainted our eventual viewing with the stench of pickled eggs and dog mess."

Gossi The Dog: "My, what a lot of things have happened while Gossi was among the shoes."

"According to Sega, two players can join in the game, with one player steering, and the other 'honking the horn'."

"Collecting magic masks is the order of the day - masks which endow Link with the power of attorney!"

"The fundamental badness remains... like a dead mole in a packet of crisps."

"We don't want to gloat (except, we do)."

"PS2 faults are said to include broken disc trays and wonky joypads. And - on one made-up occasion - half a pigeon was found in the expansion slot."

"Half-Life 2 is likely to focus on the adventures of Gordon Freeman, as he embarks on an ill-advised nude boating holiday in Wales."

"More moments when you will literally pop out of your trousers (with fright)."

Ring Of Red: "Is everyone as puerile as us, or are we the only ones sniggering?"

"Ninjas are idiots."

"Chewbacca? He's basically Lassie with a gun. And he's an idiot."

"Also, the trash compactor sequence in Star Wars was stolen from that bit in Trainspotting where Ben Kenobi falls down a toilet."

"It showed how scared Nintendo was of it's rivals. The firm came across like some schoolyard youth insisting to a gang of Nike-wearing toughs that he had a pair of really expensive trainers at home, when in reality all he owned was a pair of soft-boys' sandals."

"That's what they said about the Six Million Dollar Man, and where the hell is he now?"

Sony's robot dog: "It shouldn't have been a robot anything. It should've been a monkey - a real monkey - in a box."

"This is because rich people deserve to be humiliated."

"We're really glad we're not pirates. With all the scurvy and rats and stuff, we bet going to sea in those big boats was about as rubbish as it gets."

"Hopefully, the PlayStation 2 will provide the catalyst for developers to stop acting like stupid lazy idiots."

"Descent 3, as with it's predecessors, is the most tunnel-y of all games. It truly is a 'tunnel fun-all'!"

"Everything has a future, man - even dead guys get to rot in Hell."

"Zombies are rubbish, really. As scary as it is that they're reanimated, these flesh-eating corpses mostly stumble about like aimless drunks at closing time."

"We've always had our doubts about board games getting made into computer games. It seems to us a wholly wrong thing to do, like taking a gazelle out of the wilderness and forcing it to live in a pond in someone's back garden."

"The gazelle wouldn't enjoy it much, and you'd probably feel a gnawing sense of guilt as you watched the gazelle making a futile attempt at settling in."

"Hasbro's Upwords is the worst sort of gazelle (board game conversion): the sort that isn't even aware it's living in a pond (computer)."

"For instance; if he has spelt out 'dog', you might put a 'c' over his 'd' to make 'cog'. If he has made 'hiss' you could add your 'p' to make 'hisp'."

"No, really: it's a lot more exciting than it sounds. Except, of course, that it isn't. Hisp."

N64 Quake 2: "The gameplay lacks any sort of subtlety, coming across as the digital equivalent of an anachronistic heavy metal band, who release a single called 'It's Cool To Defy Your Parents'."

"...it's unlikely Nintendo will drop it now. But then, that's what they said about Airwolf."

Zombie Dave: "Srrrrd yrrrrrr hrrrrd rrrd, twrrrdz."

"What can we mean by all this seemingly pointless rambling? Like the day we told a policeman that 'Brown sky equals doc' trip' - we just don't know."

"Yes: we're so rubbish."

"Monkeys are funny!"

"Planet Of The Apes? There were no laughs in that. Want to know why? Because THEY WEREN'T REAL APES, damn them. DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL!"

"SHUT UP! All of you. Now!"

"Why are you so insecure? Anyone would think we'd dissed your girlfriend... Oh, now we understand!"

"Did you wet the bed?"

"Rubbish. The sweary, violent Kingpin is about as mature as your average swearing baby."

"What's approximately five inches long, light brown, and has a slot in the top? A shrew, of course (the slot is the shrew's mouth)!"

"Japanese punters will buy any old rubbish."

News that the makers of Pot Noodle are to release a "spider glove" cover for computer mice: "We've not made any of this up."

"The Mac is lovely, admittedly, but it isn't worth our while reviewing games for it, man. We'd rather spend those extra hours swigging gin in the park."

"Evil is cool: why else would Darth Maul feature on so much Star Wars Episode One merchandising? Unfortunately, evil is also bad, which is why most of us wouldn't slap a nun, no matter how much we may want to."

"No one knows what Q*Bert was supposed to be - not even his creators. But we think he was probably just a little orange guy."

"Now here comes the 'but', as the streaker said to the policeman."

"Shut up, fascist."

"Other games magazines may pretend to be hip, but we don't mind admitting that our own Mr Biffo is now so old and out of touch that he wears an Elizabethan ruff when he goes to the pub, in an attempt to woo ladies."

"Growing up is awful, kids."

Secret Lemonade Drinker: "Moc-moc-a-moc! Ich liebe dich, lemonaden."


"Mind you, we can't get into our local Electronics Boutique because we've been barred for lowering the tone."

Original, unedited version of the above: "Mind you, we can't get into our local Electronics Boutique because we've been barred for waving a broken bottle at the manager's wife."

"...for all it's component parts, the finished product fails to gel. You know: a bit like if Frankenstein made his monster out of sausage meat, chewing gum and pork ribs."

"The sooner people get over the fact that there's nothing wrong with earning money, the sooner we'll all become fat capitalist pigs."

"...but heck, piracy is great. No wait - not that sort of piracy, man. Oh no!"

"It's difficult to believe, but once upon a time Sega was the biggest fish in the pond, able to draw the likes of Right Said Fred and Tucker Jenkins to it's game launches."

"But who buys a game for the three-minute intro sequence? Big idiots with ugly faces, that's who."

"Unfortunately, where GoldenEye was all loveliness and excellence, Mission: Impossible was dog sick and pig phlegm."

"Our own Mr Biffo has felt the bitter sting of being picked last for games at school, and then being laughed at by the PE teacher because he fell over a bin. But he got his revenge, oh yes. He revenged that ginger pig up good..."

"The public are all idiots. They'll happily swallow whatever filth is spoon-fed into their mouths."

Zombie Dave on Sega: "Srrrgrrr rrrz prrblrrr brrrrgrrrrrrd."

Zombie Dave on Namco's games for the DC: "Lrrrg thrrrrdrrl frrrrgn hrrrlp."

"At least with the old table-top RPGs you could throw Wotsits at the other players if things got bad."

Zombie Dave on games corportations: "Crrrprrtrrrrlrrrrsd frrrrgwrdz."

Zombie Dave on their plans: "Mrrrr frrrrrrgn mrrrnrrr frrr thrrrm."

"Don't you ever make us do that again."

"And on a few occasions we were impressed enough to gurgle like a stupid baby."

"No we don't. We give love a bad name, which is why we've been banned from the local singles club."

"It's potentially more fun than body-popping."

"A shambolic embarrasment that would've been outshone by the frantic scrawlings of a hepped-up five-year old."

Zombie Dave: "Drrrnt frrrgrrd thrr rrdrrrlt chrrnlz."

"Once, right, we saw this dog walk backwards into a tree. Ha ha! The end."

Zombie Dave: "Yrrr. Vvrrrrr frrrgn rrrndrrrssstrng."

Poirot: "Hello. I am Poirot. Le pompt de pompt le solve de crime!" Poirot (Digitiser)

"We approached Premier League Stars like weary warriors returning from the crusades having slaughtered one too many heathen."

"Rumour has it that Electronic Arts had to build a new annexe on it's house just to store the profits from it's FIFA Soccer franchise. Also, the money is said to be guarded by a mutated albino narwhale called 'KRON-877'."

Zombie Dave on Seaman: "Mrr mrrrthr rrrz frrl rrrf thrrt."

"Or maybe that's just a load of stupid lies dreamed up by drunkards."

"But you can't drive your PC to the pub or off-licence, man."

"Alternatively, they could just get a load of Dreamcast balloons and let them 'razz off' in Bill Clinton's face on live TV."

"It's a bit like a Three Stooges movie. But with four stooges."

Zombie Dave on the 'Net: "Rrr rrntrnrt rrz rnlrr grrd frr prrn."

On the problems of the European DC network: "Ich liebe dich! Zut alors! Le pompt-de-pompt!"

"For instance, would digestive biscuits sell better if they were known as 'DY-G3Z-TV BZ-KITS'? Probably only to robots."

"Also, 'Wip3out' roughly reads as 'whip three out.' We think we understand..."

"You know: it's all puffy jacket and no pants."

"While it's not as exciting as, say, a big buzzer and some flashing lights, Sony is certain that this feature will revolutionise the games industry."

"It boasts analogue buttons, meaning that the harder you press the faster you will go. Oh man!"

EX3: The Street Fighter: "...all mainstays of the Street Fighter series, including Ryu, Chun-Li, Blanka, Johnny Whistles, Cockle and Awsome 47."

"The publication rated 2,151 firms on their size, earnings capability, growth potential, and how sexy their CEO is in a damp T-shirt."

"Not that it means anything significant. We just needed to fill up the page."

"Actually, now that we're adults, that isn't funny at all. It's just spiteful. Well, maybe it is a bit funny."

"It's like asking: 'Do clouds make people want to eat more biscuits?' Maybe they do, maybe they don't - nobody knows that for certain."

"It's real bad that you liked Bros so much, man. Big Fun and The Reynolds Girls could kick their butts."

"Previously, Sega's Seaman was considered too strange for Westerners, but Sega clearly thinks that it's Seaman is good enough to put a smile on everyone's face."

"(Incidentally, if any developers are interested in offering him work, our own Mr Biffo has a vast action figure collection, will work for peanuts, and rewards benevolent employers with unspecified 'extras'.)"

Zombie Dave on a "gift": "Rrr grrrrft rrrf rr prrrrl nrrrrglrrs."

"This is Tetris at it's purest and therefore it makes us smile like artisans on absinthe."

"Trying to improve upon it by making it 'round' or 'wordy' was akin to using a purple felt-tip pen to write swear-words on Shakespeare's original manuscript of The Tempest."

"Hey - it's not all bad, man. At least we're not drunk today!"

"Mario Golf isn't the 'pipe of cuss' you might expect it to be. In fact: 'He got good golf'."

"However, we've yet to play the sort of golf game we really want to play, namely one in which you get to drive around the course in those little carts, and aim your golf balls at the faces of groundsmen for extra points. The name of this game? Ultra Golf 47!"

"However, with Mario currently entrenched in something of a 'Fat Elvis' period, relying on his name alone to draw the crowds, the scope is there for a new Donkey Kong game to clean up."

"The blame partially resides with Sierra's decision to reorganise itself into three seperate divisions, possibly known as George, Ringo and Melly."

"M. Mouse, D. Duck and G. Oofy join together to get drunk and throw bricks at each other."

"...and a lisping sap called 'Murray'."

"We'd like to say yes, but we don't even know what women are."

"Artist's impression of Peter Main as he may have appeared: PETER MAIN: 'Peter loves you!'"

Nintendo's Peter Main at a press conference: "...answered some tough questions following the presentation - some of them possibly asked by naked mutants!"

"Current stock is either being removed from shelves, labelled as non-Sony authorised, or guarded by a stork called Lilith Pear, who bites the hands of anyone who looks as if they might be interested in the £65 console."

"Children: this isn't a trick we suggest you emulate at home. Unless, like, you really feel like it."

"Because what if you were the real James Bond? We wouldn't want to be the ones to 'blow your cover'."

"It's a piece of gaming history that you can carry in your pocket without having to eviscerate Shigeru Miyamoto's torso."

After being accused of bias against Sony, Sega AND Nintendo: "Hooray!"

"Sony is reportedly courting the likes of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to embrace the new technology - though personally, we think it's a really rubbish idea."

"A must-buy for your 'pocket chum'."

"It's the first threat to the Game Boy's handheld monopoly since the Game Gear and Lynx coughed their faces off."

"Ross, you're always hanging around our letters pages. Haven't you got something better to do?"

"Electronics Boutique - the games chain with a name like a perfume shop for effeminate robots..."

"That's the sort of name for a game which makes us laugh. See: ha ha... ha-ha!"

"Yes the game vibrates, but so does our washing machine, and you don't see us giving that 90%+. The bonus here, we suppose, is that you can hold it against someone's face while you're on a bus to give them a 'start'. But we don't really want to do that."

"The best quote ever" - Biffo; from Shigeru Miyamoto: "I know about Seaman and I know about Cabbage. Since Cabbage has been delayed it might have been a good idea for Mr Saito to have released Seaman on the Nintendo 64."

"Hey - you could stand this in a cardboard box and make your own arcade for gerbils!"

"Because we're lazy drunkards, we can't really be bothered to investigate the history of handheld gaming."

"'Wife'? 'Birth'? You, 'Hussey', are obsessed with marital relations."

Zombie Dave on his millennium plans: "Rrm hrvrng srcks frr thrr Mrrlrrnrm."

Re: fudger@york: "We can't do that, man, though your name makes us wonder how nice a fudge-filled Yorkie bar would be. Mmmm. They ought to make those."

"You know: right round like a record, baby."

"At every turn the Saturn was punched in the neck by the PlayStation, until there was nothing left to punch."

"As history starkly records, Sega's Saturn failed to produce any Sonic games until late in it's life, when they pulsed out of it's mouth in the form of a stinking, yellow froth."

"Every new games system needs it's mascot: the Nintendo machines had Mario, the PlayStation had Jonathan Brazil The Funkster, and the 3DO had Marcel du Cluck-Ckuck-Cluck III."

"And we all know what happened with that, fatty."

Re: Kenneth Manson: "Don't get too wound-up, Charlie-boy."

"Back in 1987 Nintendo had begun it's jackbooted domination of America, with its games führer Mario leading the charge on his NES."

"Hydro Thunder will cause your jaw to hang open like a leech's suck-wound."

"But wait. Like a bunch of drunks in charge of a time machine - we're getting ahead of ourselves."

"Sega was determined that it's next hardware release would be a fresh start for the company, thus re-establishing it as a giant 'space raven' feeding upon the atomic heart of the games market."

"The Dreamcast - an initially rubbish name, which like Salvador Plankton, get's better the more you hear it."

"Put yourself in SNK's position: this isn't so much a David v Goliath situation, as akin to attempting to destroy a planet with a digeridoo and a couple of conkers."

"It's impact on penny arcades akin to Adam taking the apple from the Garden Of Eden, and using it to make cider, and then getting drunk and trying to impress Eve with a grotesque display of 'dirty dancing'."

"What do you mean by that exactly? Mr Biffo's eyes have lit up..."

"'If music be the food of love, let's eat it,' the Bee Gees once sang with their hideous, prominent teeth gnashing away at thin air."

Zombie Dave on the 'land on your own moon' song by that putrid girl from the PS ad: "Rrrrl mrrrrn mrrrr rrrrz rrrt hrrrr."

Zombie Dave on a neighbour: "Mrrr nrrrbrrr rrrz rrr prrzz rrtrrzd."

Re: "bigal": "You ought to change your screen name, man, or you're going to start getting unwanted attention in chat rooms. It can be read two ways, you know."

"Don't cuss our heritage, man."

"Wait up: those guys aren't Germans!"

"Yes, but learning to use the PC is like trying to learn to ride a horse which has broken knees."

Zombie Dave: "Shrrv rrt rrrp yrrrrr chrrrrrf."

Zombie Dave on "fish": "Frrshrr lrrrg rrr smrrrlrr frrnnrr."

Skateboarders: "They also grow 'half-beards' which have no moustache, and say stupid things like 'Gnarly, dude' and 'Ollie blunt!' Skateboarders are idiots."

"That's the best song ever!": "I like Digitiser/I read it every day/I'm sure it makes me wise/I know it makes me gay (happy)."

"Waiting seems like a stupid thing to do. It's cutting off your nose to spite your face, and then eating the nose."

Zombie Dave on the French: "Thrrr frrrgz crrrn frrrrg rrrt rrrf."

Zombie Dave on the colour of his "controller": "Mrrrrr crrrnttrrrlrrr rrrz prrrrprrl."

Rayman 2: "Le pompt de dompt de do. De dompt dompt la dompt? Non! Le aw-hee-aw-hee-awww. Oui! Le aw-hee trompt-da-bon-bon!"

"Oui! Je nais pompt de dompt!"

"Except you can't fiddle with the drivers."

"Average graphics and dodgy handling make Jack a sad boy."

"Also: pictures of naked priests!"

Lara Croft: "What has she got going for her? A pair of shorts, expanded chest, and a couple of pistols. She may be cool, but she's about as charismatic as smallpox."

"This time last year, the botched Japanese launch of the Dreamcast seemed to be the final nail in Sega's idiocy coffin. This time two months ago, with the delay to the European Dreamcast launch, it looked as if that coffin had been exhumed and dumped in the sea."

"We really wish we'd seen that, but at the time we were busy being gagged and violated by armed intruders."

"S. Twain is an anagram of W. Stain."

"No. Apparently we're biased against everyone and every game we do/don't express an opinion on."

Zombie Dave: "Mrrr grrrn hrrrz rrr smrrlrr frrnrrr."

"We're excellent!"

"In the words of the traditional festive ballad: 'Christine is coming, and she's goosing her own fat'. We don't know what that means, but we do know that Santa is filling his sack, and preparing to empty it's contents down your chimney."

"There is, quite literally, something for everyone. Yes: even social deviants!"

  • "We thought it would be cool to be a spy, with all the guns, cars, gadgets and women, and briefly considered putting our names down.

    "Then we saw that old granny spy on the news, and realised we'd probably have to seduce her, and we didn't relish that prospect no matter how drunk we might be on vodka Martinis."

    "After appearing in an appalling N64 incarnation, Mission: Impossible has now stitched it's malformed head to the PlayStation."

    £918M: "Think of the gin that would buy..."

    Zombie Dave on Sonic: "Srrrnrrrrrg rrrrz rrrrr frrrrgwrrrt."

    "The games are colourful, perfectly playable, and only marred by a short lifespan. But then, perhaps we shouldn't have tested them out on a 48-year-old chess grand master."

    Re: Raymond Calthorpe: "That's quite some name, son. Are you a perfumed dandy?"

    "Do you understand how it works yet? Or would you prefer to be shamed further?"

    "Toilets are funneee."

    "My, what a lot of things have happened while Gossi was among the shoes."

    "That's 'cinematic' as in 'it has a plot', and not the Wing Commander definition of 'cinematic' as 'it has no game'."

    Quiz Box 59: "Q: Indiana Jones and The Infernal... a) Machine, b) Tomb, c) Arthritis."

    "Divvies are well catered for, as you can tinker with the goodness of your opponents, making them as useless as phantom pregnancies."

    "If we have reservations - and we do - put it down to personal taste. But then, we like to eat raw foxes."

    "Mercifully, Psygnosis has once again switched on it's goodness machine, and caught the lighning in it's proverbial bottle. Unfortunately, the bottle was already filled with dog dirt."

    "Question: What noise does a cat make when it's going down the motorway? Answer: Pooooooon!"

    'Bearded' 'woman': "Beard me do, love!" Bearded woman

    "Nevertheless, we have our reservations at The Scepitcs Hotel."

    "Neither as frightening - nor as bad - as a pilled-up Texan coming at you waving a bamboo reed."

    Re: "pant-soilingly scary" Resident Evil2: "You're just using it as an excuse to cover up for your feeble bowels."

    "We guess it's better than being in the genre of movie we once found ourselves in, following a weekend on tequila."

    "Youth is no excuse, Dixon."

    "We once saw a ghost. Oh wait... mum says it was just a goat."

    "You should see the way we drag ourselves around the floor when we're legless. It's even worse."

    "We bet you've often felt more than just a little 'giddy', man."

    "Woolworths is playing Little Saint Nick over the PA and there's a half-naked Santa mannequin being erected in the window of BHS - it must mean Christmas is lurking in the wardrobe."

    "Everyone should own one - same as everyone should own a couple of goats."

  • "The great thing about being a kid is you don't get humiliated if anyone sees you running around with a tree branch, while pretending it's a bazooka.

    "The minute you hit 15 people start giving you queer looks if you so much as make an explosion sound with your mouth, while simultaneously indicating the size of the explosion by slowly moving your arms apart."

  • "Mario knows the secret of 'getting super'. How does Mario 'get super'? Mario eats special mushrooms.

    "Call us concerned citizens if you will, but how many young Mario fans have, over the years, themselves attempted to 'get super' by eating special mushrooms they find while, say, wandering through the woods?

    "How many have then believed they could fit through pipes, or fly? Too many."

    "You students make us sick."

    "They arrive in the US today aboard a Pokemon-branded jet, replete with Pokemon-themed stewardesses, and a big crow which has been trained to hiss: 'Prrkkkrrrmrrrrn. Prrrkrrrrmrrrn.'"

    "Had the Mega Drive not been blessed with FIFA Soccer et al, it's likely the SNES would have punched it's mouth in."

    Interview with Silicon Dreams' David Rutter: "Rutt-on!"

    "Here's a really funny story. We were waiting for a train with a friend one evening when we pointed to a drain on the opposite platform, and told him there was a rat in it. 'Oh yeah', he remarked. Except: there wasn't a rat in the drain! Haha! We laughed for hours! ...You probably had to be there."

    "We saw the Supergirl film the other day, and the special effects were far from realistic, but, man, that's one scary movie!"

    Nintendo's 'unwholsome' Pokemon: "It's like the hapless idiot who stumbles into the roughest bar in town hoping to use the toilet, and ends up inadvertently helping to rob a bank."

    "Also, Tarzan has a really big nose. Perhaps they should have called him Noze-man! Haha."

    "...and a clutch of bonus levels see him swimming down river, and riding on the back of a big bird (sadly, not THE Big Bird)."

    "Tarzan killed by frog? Tarzan not understand."

    "Nevertheless, swinging can be fun. Do you see?"

    "Then again, we've had some major rucks with our friends down the park over which brand of gin is best."

    "Personally, we play games straddling a giant plaster pig and thereby defy all categorisation."

    "...it must mean that Christmas is lurking in your coalshed with a hammer."

    Zombie Dave on the DVD add-on for the DC: "Rrrl brr rrbrl trr wrtch rrrd flrrmz!"

    Zombie Dave on the DC's zip drive, allowing the storage of "data": "Drrtrrr? Yrrr mrrrn prrrrnrrrrr!"

    "Let's hope Nintendo punched each and every one of the counterfeit fiends hard in the mouth."

    "A court-authorised sting operation, undertaken recently in New York City nabbed unlicensed products ranging from t-shirts, cuddly toys and stickers to trading cards, hats, dingle-danglers, ponk-honkers, frinton-lardleys, possetts, and brown yuts."

    "In reality, that was, at best, a lazy description, but then we're lazy (specifically: drunk) kind of guys."

    Re: 'Frankly, I am disappointed with Nintendo': "Well, maybe Nintendo is disappointed with YOU!"

    "Like a bunch of stupid schoolgirls arguing over who'd win in a bloody, bare-knuckle contest between S Club 7 and The A Teens, Capcom likes its crossovers."

    Re: 'N64 helped shape the market': "Yes. It has helped it go 'pear shaped'."

    "We used to have a neighbour called Mr Benson. Did you used to live next to us, and get drunk and say: 'Don't lecture me son', when we asked what you thought you were doing trying to get into our back garden at midnight?"

    Re: 'Is the Dreamcast millennium compliant?': "No. It's going to break and set fire to your house on January 5."

    "It would seem that Miyamoto-san's magic has rubbed off on UK developer Rare. Don't think too hard about that."

    "What's more, no amount of flatulence can make up for a bad game."

    "GTA tried hard to offend, but was like a frustrated schoolboy trying to impress his mates by standing on a bench, shouting swear words and spitting."

    "What will this naughty schoolboy do for an encore? Throw a protractor at his form tutor, perhaps?"

    "We think there should be more brown consoles. Brown is an excellent hue."

    Re: request for more wrestling game reviews: "Yes, but they make us have funny thoughts. Thoughts about sweating men pulling on our ankles."

    "On-screen events will cause the booth to jostle viewers with under-floor hydraulics; trigger jets of tar to spray their mouths; or pump slurry up around their feet."

    Pokemon movie's first weekend US takings: "It raked in around $32.4m, which is enough to build five and a half Bionic Men, or two hospitals."

    "In addition, the race structure will be dramatically reworked and players will be able to trade boats. Perhaps for booze. We just don't know."

    "Except most of you probably don't know who Purves is, do you? Blue Peter Presenter? Used to be in Doctor Who? Ohh... we are SO old."

    "Anyway, Extreme Biker is a dirtbike, motocross romp with one eye firmly on the laws of physics and the other watching the rump of unreality."

    "Nobody know that."

    Re: Sean Murphy: "Are you Irish, by any chance?"

    "We're not even going to dignify that with a response. Apart from calling you a fat idiot, of course."

  • "It's with no great sense of pride that we reveal our history O-level grade: E

    "We attribute this to sitting behind Waqar Kahn during two years of history lessons, thereby having to spend more time chalking his back, or throwing his bag out of the window, than learning history.

    "Unsurprisingly, the original Age Of Empires taught us more about the past than spamming Waqar Kahn ever did."

    "It's also essential entertainment for those who, like us, believe Joan Of Arc was the first female welder, and want to learn a bit about history without being distracted by the boy in front. So to speak."

    "Don't get profound with us, pig-boy"

    "Christmas is nothing if not annual."

    "Yes, it's wacky and slapstick, but so was Harold Lloyd. And he's dead now."

    "Time Digital has named the Sega Dreamcast it's Machine Of The Year - narrowly beating competition from a machine which cleans spoons, and a sort of electric hair-stretcher thing."

  • "The Dreamcast is fast becoming a two-trick pony, it's repertoire of beat 'em ups and racing games fast becoming as stale as a five-year-old who repeats the same joke ad infinitum.

    "Then, when you tell him that you're bored hearing the same joke again and again, he changes the punchline so that the joke makes no sense; 'Why did the chicken cross the road? Carrots!'"

    "Fortunately, there are no sheds in Suzuki Alstare, nor did we land on any crossbars. However, it did give us the runs."

    Re: Robert Smith: "You be the judge, 'Cure-boy'."

    "You could hide it in a big cardboard box, with the word 'PRAWNS' written on the side."

    "The reason we love the Worms series more than any other is that it allows us to go into a games shop and ask of the gentleman behind the counter: 'Excuse me, sir, but do you have worms?' Ha ha. What a funny joke."

    "...and so rude Dr Repitition doesn't take long before insulting the 'patience' and Nurse Boredom-Threshold."

    "More than half a million Pokemon novels have been bought in the US by word-savvy read-o-youths."

    "...said US industry analyst Sean McGowan, who may or may not have been in The Pogues."

    "Good luck to them, we say. Stick it to da man!"

    "You play a boy or girl trapped in some sort of ethereal dreamworld where nightmares are real. Fortunately, they don't get to encounter the naked dentist we dreamt about two night ago."

    "Sleeping is probably the best thing ever."

    "Once, we awoke after a night on the gin to find ourselves surrounded by horrible corpses. However, our nausea subsided when we remembered we worked as morgue assistants and had the night before been celebrating the birthday of the chief mortician. Ha ha."

    Nintendo's poor translations: "Monkey child no speak clear-oh. What mean you say that? Aieee: monsters from beyond the grave to eat us!!!!!!"

    "Sega cuss you bad."

    Re: Chris Moore - 'Where have all the Sega idiots come from?': "They were in our cellar, Roger."

    "Yeah, but Star Wars had Jar-Jar Binks in it, man."

    Reebok: "Bok-bok-a-bok."

    "In addition, the developer is rumored to be working on a massive online multiplayer Star Wars game, with a vaguely RPG flavour (RPGs, of course, tasting a bit like minted lamb)."

    "Attention fat, bald old men with money - set aside your cutesy platform game prejudice and embrace Rayman 2 with your flabby, sweat-soaked arms."

    "Yes. Sega is really clever."

    Fat Sow: "Or maybe they're just doing it to spite me. I hate them."

    "We were confronted with a series of tours around the flight decks of commercial airliners. We felt violated. Those horrible images will stay with us for ever."

    "What's the point of a plane if it can't fire bombs?"

    "Microsoft's Flight Simulator series has been successfully peddled to dullards for years now, and they'll no doubt be foaming at the buttons..."

    "...said Sony's Andrew House who, ironically, lives in a bungalow. We hope."

    "Hats off for trying something new, but you must now eat that hat for making it not very good."

    "Destrega is an ambitous attempt to take the beat 'em up genre, and slap it around the neck and lungs."

    "The first thing she did upon finishing was punch her mother in the stomach and talk about 'hitting people with sticks'."

    "Soul Calibur is at risk of drowning in it's own advance hype (if you want a mental image to accomopany that statement, imagine a nude tramp flailing in a huge vat of deadly Sunset Yellow colouring)."

    "Admittedly, the irony is deliciously crunchy."

    "While Destrega must be applauded for trying to do something different, it must also be whacked in the mouth with a broom for being boring."

    "We're looking forward to our next gin."

    Alton Towers' Corkscrew rollercoaster: "What did we get for our 50 minutes? 120 seconds of almost total disorientation, followed by a period of intense nausea. A similar effect can be achieved with less effort - and far quicker - if you drink fast enough."

    Re: 'Will there be a Tomb Raider 5?': "Do tramps drink in the park?"

    "While we suspect you're being ironic, just in case you're not we feel compelled to tell you to shut up. Now press reveal for a picture of where you live: 'THE SKANK'S CARAVAN'." The skank's caravan (Digitiser)

    "But when all the mags are written by overly optimistic five-year-olds, what do you expect? They don't know how bleak existence can be..."

    "By 2002, says Datamonitor (who we're assuming is some sort of protocol robot, or android)..."

    "To some people, football is The Beautiful Game, and the most important thing in the world. To a significantly less vocal minority - mostly comprised of women, male dancers and lunatics - it is viewed as just a load of blokes running around a field like idiots."

    "As racing games go, Tokyo Highway Battle is The Lord Of The Stinks."

    "You might be tempted to purchase this game on account of the exciting name. Don't be suckered like we were, when we went to a Supertramp concert expecting to see a powerful vagrant in tights."

    "If anything lets the team down it's the unconvincing commentary, provided by Trevor Brooking, who once grunted at our own Mr Biffo in a lift."

    "Trevor Brooking is a skank."

    "As racing games go, this is a very bad racing game indeed."

    Re: Soul Calibur; 'It blew me away': "Lucky you."

    "We saw that Ghostbusters II on TV a few weeks ago... man - our bed hasn't been dry since."

    "If you've ever been to an airshow you may, like us, have found them to be rubbish."

    "Presumably, games firms are assuming people's thought processes work like this: 'Christmas is coming... it snows at Christmas... must... buy snow game."

    Championship Manager: "Indeed, Digitiser's own Mr Cheese (now gone to live in America with 'a lady' he met on the Internet - ha ha!) lost years of his life to it."

    "Why are we bothering? In 100 years' time, who'll care whether we had any fun or not? We certainly won't, because in 100 years' time we'll probably be dead."

    "You want us to admit that because our opinion differs from yours, that our opinion is wrong? Isn't that one of the principles of fascism?"

    "Admittedly, it isn't a particularly cool term, but only weirdos feel the need to sound cool in front of infants."

    "However, whereas that previous UbiSoft-developed game was a garish monstrosity akin to a childrens' entertainer draped with offal..."

    "...we were fully expecting to embrace Last Revelation and smother it with the naughtiest of kisses. Alas, its scabby lips sent us scurrying for the mouthwash."

    "...the benefits of playing a multiplayer console game are many and obvious. For a start, you don't run the risk of accidentally exchanging addresses with a extreme right-wing Texan, who claims to be a buxom blonde with a soft spot for sad, lonely PC owners."

    "And it smells of cat wee."

  • "We here at Digitiser have never been fishing for real, though our own Mr Biffo once caught crabs at a holiday camp in Devon. Before you start sniggering; he really did catch crabs, and he kept them in a box underneath his caravan.

    "However, the crabs were stolen by a dirty-looking boy, who ran around a corner when Biffo shouted at him, leaving only a single crushed crab shell in his wake."

    "This continues for some hours until you either a) successfully land a fish, or b) (more likely) go and do something less boring instead."

    "Had they allowed us to fire a shotgun into the water we would've been happy."

    "Muhammed Ali, Joe Frazier, Sugar Ray Leonard, Sunbeam Starfish and Falafel Halal Falalfallafal are just some of the fighters to choose from..."

    Solid Snake: "He was also really good at breaking necks."

    "Practically every classic game to have dribbled out of Nintendo's pulsing snout has been tickled by Miyamoto's possibly bristly chin."

    "Call us 'graphics slappers' if you will..."

    "In much the same way that we like the taste of creosote, once again, our tastes have steered from the path of considered wisdom."

    "If Gumpei Yokoi is John Lennon, and the Game Boy is Revolver, then by comparison the bloke who invented the PlayStation is Cliff Richard, and the PlayStation the album which has Wired For Sound on it."

    "The Game Boy is the console which everyone from Daddy Cool to Grandad Smelly can play, without feeling odd or violated."

    "If Capcom has a long-term strategy, it's either very clever, or very rubbish."

    Biffo's Christmas: "Apart from the inevitable flu, it wasn't bad. We got a home brew kit!"

    Nintendo's 'unpredictability': "One minute it's doing a really funky dance and everyone is applauding; the next minute its trousers have fallen down, and it's smashing the place apart with a champagne bottle."

    "Unfortunately, the N64 is all but dead; it's only Baron von Nintendo's sinister electrical reanimation experiments which causes its limbs to jerk so."

    Donkey Kong 64: "On paper it's the best game ever. In reality, we wanted to eat that paper and then vomit over Rare's head."

    "We're really stupid; if nothing else, keep it simple for us, loves."

    "Gauntlet was a classic. This 'improved' version is akin to sticking a couple of brooms on the arms of the Venus di Milo. Legend? 'Scrag-end', more like."

    "If you're after a decent N64 platformer go for that... Or just close your eyes and invent one in your head. That's what we like to do. But then, we're on medication."

    "As a result, you'll spend your time considering the other stuff your £60 could've bought. You know: gin."

    "Oh man; we hope we never get as cynical as you are!"

    Re: Harry Steele: "Our dog is six years old now. Does that mean we have to put him out for the binmen, Tommy?"

    "Someone must really love you."

    "What a shame it's a steaming pile of badness."

    "If GoldenEye was a masterpiece of sauve, stealth-based subtelty, then Tomorrow Never Dies is Robin Williams with a trumpet."

    "MGM Interactive has tried very hard to cut Tomorrow Never Dies from the same cloth as GoldenEye. However, in the process of cutting the cloth, the developer somehow 'soiled' it with a foul-smelling fluid."

    "It begs the question: were the pyramids really worth all that effort? They're just pointed yellow things, man."

    "The ancient Egyptians were death-obsessed nutters who used to build stupid pyramid things."

    "While we're sure that ancient Egypt had its share of stand-up comedians, radicals and freaksters, it's the mad pharoahs that everyone remembers."

    "You stupid pharoah."

    "So, the aim of Xena is to rescue her 'special friend' Gabrielle (presumably, not THAT Gabrielle) from the clutches of an evil someone or other."

    "...must be overcome if you're ever to smell your friend again."

    "NUON has been in development for several years at VM Labs, which was formed by staffers from the fallen Atari and 3DO empires. Therefore, it's bound to be a big success."

    "The console-type system - which may eventually resemble a PC with a couple of wooden spoons sellotaped to the sides (but probably won't)..."

    "Perhaps the reason is that everyone in this country knows that baseball is essentially the game of rounders, but with slightly more stupid trousers."

    Psychic powers: "Yet it is intoxiholeokinesis (the ability to fit through otherwise impossible gaps while drunk), which we are particually adept at."

    Psychic Force 2012: "We see a... tall... dark stranger... putting this game in the bin. Do you see?"

    "Unfortunately, it's only about as essential as contracting malaria."

    "Acclaim is keen to milk its South Park licence until its udders wheeze."

    "Oh my God they killed the game's overseas sales potential! Etc..."

    "NBA Inside Drive 2000 is a further attempt by Microsoft to turn us all into overweight American sports fans."

    "It's just the nature of the beast. Unfortunately the beast in question is a 'skankuss'."

    "One day someone will write a thesis on why so many games fans are so chronically insecure. The thesis will end with the following sentence: 'In summary they are stupid idiots'."

    "The PC isn't so much a 'Frankenstein's Monster', as a 'Herman Munster'."

    "...the madness of Christmas will truly have its heavy fingers around our throat."

    "George Lucas must be turning in his grave. Assuming he sleeps in a grave."

    "...their names, and their gameplay, are carved upon the muscles of our heart."

    "We bet you're real excited now."

    "Speak for yourself; we've not eaten anything but vitamin pills since January 1st."

    Pong: "...may have been the first game ever or something, but it's about as much fun as being trapped in a lift with Jim Davidson."

    "We're no longer the only drunks on the street, and our attempts to look cool by hanging around the bus station pale in comparison to the professional thugs who have claimed the area as their own, illustrating this reality by swearing into their mobile phones."

    "Everything has an explanation, man. Even Ricky Martin and 'Lolly'."

    "Yes, but the PC games did well in spite of the PC being about as reliable and user-friendly as a vacuum cleaner made out of a live skunk tied to a bullrush."

    Super Smash Brothers: "It's a bit like watching a load of Blue Peter presenters going at each other with baseball bats."

  • "It has been some time since we have ventured into an arcade, however some years ago during a visit to our local gaming establishment we 'met' a disturbing character named 'Peter'.

    "A clone of David Hasselhoff during his Michael Knight days, Peter accosted us while playing Street Figter 2. He grew ever more excited, shouting and swearing at the screen, even shaking the cabinet at one point.

    "Since then we've wondered how certain games would affect Peter. Virtua Striker 2 would probably make him cry."

    "But even in a dim light, shop mannequins look like beautiful women, and you'd have to be funny in the head to want to marry one of them."

    "Unfortunately - and we're sure you knew this was coming - it plays like a bicycle with kippers for wheels."

    "Your mind will bleed with the confusion."

    "It's a bit like discovering that soccer hardman Vinnie Jones used to be a Thai pole dancer called 'Leggs' Akimbo, and worked in a Bangkok nightclub called The Purple Lotus."

    "Lara Croft is about as charismatic and iconic as, well, a bit of wet bread glued to a couple of Slinkeys."

    Zombie Dave on what you should focus on: "Thrr shrrd frrcrrz rrn mrrr rrrssrhl."

    Re: Tom Musk: "What an excellent name. Are you, by any chance an adult film star?"

    "You have to admire the amount of research which went into Gabriel Knight 3. However, there was probably a lot of research which went into the devlopment of atomic weapons, and what good have they done?"

    "As an alternative, we nominate our own song entitled Pinball Super Fun. It goes something like this:

                'Yeah pinball super fun,

                It's a wicked game of skill,

                With the flippers and the balls,

                But deaf dumb and blind kids,

                Must not tilt the table too much!' "

    "You don't want to know what we like to smell the inside of."

    "Frankly, it didn't get the support it needed from Nintendo, who scared away third-party developers by pulling funny faces and going: 'Goorrrh! Gooo-gooh!'."

    Extract from Ring-Sir!, 21/1/00: "US: It's got Lara Croft in it, except this Lara Croft has got the head of a cow. I call her Ms Bovine. She hits clam shells with her beak. The name of the game? Beakus Strike!"

    Zombie Dave on swans: "Rrrrd lrrrg trrrr zhrrrrg rr srrrn."

    "...according to DFC Intelligence (which may, or may not be, a genetically engineered 'super-brain' that lives inside the sun)."

    "It's considerably less scary than a fun fair attendant with a flick knife."

    "Should any developer refuse, Sony promises to 'knock its teeth in'."

    "Alas, there are no inbred hicks in Namco's Ace Combat 3."

    "Except that here they made our fingers stink like we'd just been gutting a couple of trouts."

    "Don't buy this one, daddy."

    Zombie Dave on Tim Henman: "Hrrrnmrrn? Frrrrsh-frrzrd frrrrgrr."

    Zombie Dave on 'DVD': "Rrrv grrrt Vrrrr Drrrrr rrrv mrr rrn."

    "When the PlayStation originally squatted above the games market, the first golden egg it fired onto our heads was the classic Ridge Racer."

    "...made us feel like gnats awarded the challenge of incapacitating a caffeine-fuelled dockworker."

    "This is a Grand Canyon of a game, making other racers look like shallow, jobbie-filled rock pools by comparison."

    "You can stuff cakes in the 'norns' ' mouths, or dress them up like idiots."

    "You can't do much, short of playing pretend ball, and dressing them up. Shaking them around by their collars is fun though. Pigz especially."

    Robert Smith (Digitiser)

    R Smith: "Hello everyone, I'm Robert Smith of The Cure. Don't forget to buy our new album Bedsit Loneliness Despair Darkness."

    T Yorke: Thom Yorke (Digitiser)"Hello. I'm T Yorke of Radiohead. I've just been feeding my pig some antibiotics."

    Bjork: Bjork (Digitiser)"Snet snet Bjork! Fzang! Bong! Vedley snet! B-b-b-b-bbbsaah!"

    Re: 'Boardgames aren't dying; they're changing': "Yes, but are they changing like caterpillars do, or are they changing like corpses do?"

    "Perhaps we should've asked, 'Will videogames kill foxy boxing?' "

    "Except: it's rubbish."

    "By the end of the session our eyes were bright pink, and we'd bitten our tongues off."

    "You can, as they say, have too much of a good thing. Just ask anyone who's ever had too much of a good thing - they'll tell you what we mean."

    "Good idea, poor execution. You know: like inventing a gallows made out of gingerbread."

    "For all its classic status, we always thought Track & Field was a stinkuss."

    "Put it down to different strokes for different folks, perhaps (or just put it down to the fact that we've got rubbish fingers), but we'd rather get our physical jerks elsewhere. You know: by opening a bag of crisps and shoving them in our fat gobs."

    "...but after two hours play our minds were already wandering back to the gin."

    "Which in turn must make the people responsible 'guff-monkeys'."

    PS2 change the world?: "It's just a little games machine, man. It's hardly Chairman Mao."

    "But then again, the entertainment industry is made up of insecure skanks. If you want to change the world, you should send them all to the moon, dude."

    Re: PS2 change the world?; 'Only if Sony decide to offer something that is genuinely ground-breaking': "Do you mean like a big funnel and scales on the top, for the sorting and weighing of penny chews?"

    "We want a TV games show presented by, uh, a cow or something. Yes, a cow called Bovus 3. Bovus 3 would review the games live, saying stuff like: 'I don't like this' and 'Bad graphics'."

    Re: Sony living on past glory: "Yes: like Kid Creole."

    Re: John O'Reilly: "'Oh really'?"

    Le Chef: "Le pompt du violate le fun."

    "Happy birthday!"

    "See how we shrug our shoulders so?"


    "We really hate you skanky, elitist 'early adopters'. You need a smack."

    "Also, none of the characters in He-Man had romantic liasons or fractured psyches; they just hit things with their swords and strutted around in outfits that would have been deemed obscene in the real world."

  • "Nox, nox, nox - there's somebody at the door. Who could it be? Why, it's granfather roleplaying, shaking a multi-sided die in his greasy fist, tiny lead figurines of orcs and barbarians spilling out of his needlessly shrivelled gob.

    "And now - see how he attempts to cajole us into 'rolling up a character'. See how he waves 'character sheets' in our faces, and waxes lyrical about hit points and neutral alignments.

    "Now observe as we bring him crashing down with a high kick to the temple."

    "Go on: write in and complain, you skanks."

    "You know: sort of like in Knight Rider."

    "Being really tall must have its advantages. You can step easily over low walls and dead horses with little problem, and you can reach high shelves easily without having to suffer the embarrassment of asking the newsagent to help you."

    "Keep it simple for us skanks, you skanks."

    "But hold, basket fans: it is also a skank-me-do."

    "Beetle Crazy Cup is no more 'crazy' than, say, getting up in the morning, doing a few chores around the house before popping to Safeway to buy your lunch, then coming home, cooking the lunch in the oven, then eating the lunch."

    "We had a dream the other night in which the PS2 had a cloth top - like the front of a stereo speaker."

    Re: 'My wife wouldn't understand, either': "Why? Did you buy her on import?"

    "A big mess up and a real achievment. Well done."

    "We appreciate that there's a social stigma attached to roleplaying that's akin to marrying a sheep..."

    "...and tons of areas that aren't essential to the ongoing plot - but are worth an explore nonetheless. Just like toilets."

    "But for all that, we loved it. In a big way. In a really big way, daddy."

    On MS and their X-Box: "It even tried to get Sega aboard before Sega blew off in its face."

    "...and thanks to the Walkman its brand was cooler than, say, Pedigree Chum. Except among posh dogs."

    "Imagine a man who has all the right elements in place - arms, legs, hat etc. - but lacks any sort of discernible personality or character. UEFA Champions League is the football game equivalent of that man. And it isn't even wearing a hat!"

    "Apparently, Sega struggled to strike a deal with a suitable Internet service provider, but eventually settled on one run by a cyborg kangaroo called 'Herr Krisp'."

    "We wish we lived in Jimmy White's house. With Jimmy White."

  • "It's a given that all men like three things; football, cars and snooker. On account of the fact that Digitiser's own Mr Biffo is interested in none of them suggets that he is in fact, a woman. This would explain plenty.

    "Actually, that's not entirely true. Biffo doesn't dislike snooker, he just can't play it. Give him a cue and tell him to aim at the ball, and he starts hitting the floor with it, or trying to poke it in his eyes.

    "But now, at last, Biffo can shame himself in private. Again"

    "Shut up."

  • "On the one hand, theme parks are a good thing, being corporate-run affairs as opposed to fun fairs, run by tattooed commoners with uncontrolable saliva glands and a taste for Dire Straits music.

    "On the other hand, the seemingly lobotomised staff of most theme parks are unable to cope once you start toying with their pre-programmed list of potential situations. 'Can I look on the ride for your sunglasess? Does... not... com... pute!

    "Ha ha! Robots are funneee..."

    "And the gadgets? Gadget-me-doooo!"

  • "It's a funny thought that football was originally played with a pigs' bladder. We'd love to have been there the day they came up with that idea: 'Hey, lads - let's cut this pig open, and kick its bladder down...'

    "'Stop it! Stop stamping on it! You're spraying the rest of us!'

    "Anyway, the bladder is now cowskin, the players less likely to be sewage-covered peasants, and the game is played on a pitch, and not in the open streets. More's the pity."

    "There were all the mags, their faces waxy with tears of joy, bodies wracked with sobbing as they caressed the silky flanks of the original Ridge Racer."

  • "You could really use Star Trek's transporters to mess around with people. Imagine; you could teleport raw chickens or fish directly into THEIR LIVING BRAINS!

    "However, not all Star Trek technology is so great. Those Next Generation phasers are rubbish. Guns are shaped like guns for a reason. Guns are not practical when shaped like TV remote controls. And we should know.

    "However, you can, at least always rely upon Star Trek for the quality of its ships. Apart from the rubbish ones."

    "...it nevertheless is a hot-poker-in-the-ear of a game."

    "N64 owners with a hankerin' for some driverin' will need to bust the guts of Mr PG Bank."

    "Yes, it really could do with three times the courses, but that's Ridge Racer for you. Stupid, lazy game."

  • "We don't get this evolution thing. Apparently, we all evolved from sludge into fish, then into monkeys, and then into guys.

    "Fair enough, but we miss being able to swing from our prehensile tails. Then again... it's unlikely that monkeys get served in off-licences. Darwin rocks!

    "Anyway, human evolution supposedly occured over several million years ago, or something, and even now we're evolving into higher life-forms. We just hope we're evolving into off-licence-friendly monkeys."

    "Can they do it, Dimmy?"

    "But heck, you have to cater for idiots like us sometimes."

    Adopting new and shocking characteristics: "And by that we don't mean wearing black lipstick and nail varnish and listening to Marilyn Manson."

    "The complexity is pitched just right for stupids."

    "The plot cannibalised from only the freshest space operas..."

    "We're sure we harbour some sort of subconscious fantasy about being really little guys..."

  • "We accept that space is real big and stuff, but can't get our head around this weightlessness thing? Weightlessness? Is that supposed to be some sort of a joke? How can stuff weigh nothing?

    "Apparently, in space not even really big stuff, like cars and alsatians weighs anything. If that's true then why don't planets float around and bump into each other? These space scientists haven't thought it through properly.

    "Colony Wars: Red Sun has no truck with such made-up physics."

    Re: 'Seganet sounds great. I just hope it works': "Well, yes. But it would be funny if it didn't!"

    "It still remains to be seen whether the Dreamcast can handle the thingy necessary to do the thing."

    "The 3D interpretations of the characters don't so much resemble the Rugrats, as resemble effigies of the Rugrats constructed out of toilet roll tubes by a dying marmoset."

    "...while the bosses offer no more challenge than a doped shrew."

    "Yet as the pig said to the hound: 'Can you smell the but?'"

    "...the highlight of what is otherwise a 'skank's disco'."

    "So, Euro 2000. Another opportunity for us normal people to drink in pubs in peace while all you freaks sit at home with your stupid faces glued to the screen until such time as you are snapped back to reality with England's inevitable knock-out."

    "Heck, our brains struggle to decipher most spherical objects. Yes - even those ones."

    "We really hope it's not a real dolphin. That would be 'The Skank of the Year'."

    Game of Castaway 2000: "Keep tensions high on your Castaway island by forcing filthy, alcoholic, working class builders to work alongside handsome, middle-class, clean-living media types, while 'accidentally' dropping islanders' luggage into the sea from helicopters."

    If the islanders are getting on well: "Reverse this trend by triggering extreme weather conditions, and plagues of tabloid journalists."

    "You know... devolving John Williams' classic Star Wars score into a wash of squealing electric guitar is tantamount to sticking a photograph of Shane Ritchie on top of the Mona Lisa."

    "We've been on LucasArts' case a fair bit already this week, but we're sorry to report that the case-squatting hasn't ended yet."

    "It's like they couldn't hit a barn door with a bolas, even if the bolas was already glued to the barn door."

    Jedi Power Battles: "Oh man. Ohhhhh maaaaaan. The LucasArts badness machine simply refuses to cease production."

    "Alas, the adventure game genre is all but dead, hit over the head by an angry man carrying a sawn-off shotgun. His name? Frank Nukem-Quakey-Doom."

  • "There's this joke, right, for which the punchline is something about a fish tank being confused with, y'know, the other sort of tank - the sort that shoots things.

    "Unfortunately, we can't remember it, which is probably just as well given that we don't recall it being particularly funny.

    "Anyway... tanks. They're basically sort of 'space cars', with big pipes on top that fire rockets, right? There are plenty of them in Battletanx: Global Assault. And they're all awful!"

    "But! No! The tide of chaos is rising!"

    "...and a couple of mags who think they're Digitiser. Does that sound big-headed? No. We're a cultural phenomenon, daddy!"

    "Games like this shouldn't still be being released. THIS IS 2000AD, PEOPLE."

  • "Here's a good reason why the world isn't as good as it used to be. On the Spectrum you used to be able to programme your own adventure games, and no modern adventure will ever match the coolness of Death City, as programmed by one Mr Biffo, age 14.


    > Go north.


    > Kill self.


    > Kill self. Quit. Abort. Quit. Quit."

    "Modern game designers are idiots."

    "But hold; the veil of secrecy has been lifted by its producer, Hideous Kojak-man (Hideo Kojima)."

    "The PlayStation 2 follow-up to the 32-bit espionage-me-do could well define the genre for next generation systems, with a similar blend of creeping around, throttling people, and crawling around with a cardboard box over your head."

    "This could be the first PS2 title to realise Sony's dream of it playing host to games that break new ground. Or maybe it'll just be rubbish."

    "And you know what? We didn't even speak to anyone at Eidos or Core, or so much look at an early copy of the game to bring you the preview. Well, we didn't need to, did we, daddy? Do you see?"

    "It will star Disney favourites including Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Cecil Crow, Oskar von Octopus and Morris Marsupial."

    "It failed in spectacular fashion - like a guy standing at the top of the white cliffs of Dover and saying: 'I promise to fly across the Channel to France,' and then leaping to his death."

  • "We don't know why Ken Livingstone or 'Dobson' are bothering. We couldn't think of anything more boring than running a city.

    "All that setting taxes, and making sure the trains run on time… Let's face it; ordered civilisation is on the brink of collapse, so being the mayor of a capital city is a hiding to nothing.

    "Unless, of course, you build a big wall around it, with gun turrets and searchlights, and a big moat filled with genetically-engineered alligator/whale/lion things.

    "You know; alligators the size of a whale, but with lion's legs so they can run really, really fast after people trying to escape the city… and… Where were we?"

    Sea Monkeys: "Admittedly, it was very clever the way they 'magically' came back to life, but we had been expecting them to be at least three feet tall, and sit around talking to us in a curious, lilting tongue."

    "On this basis, we've taken to selling out of date prawn cocktails as 'Space Gorillas'."

  • "Are Lemmings incredibly stupid, or profoundly intelligent?

    "Which animal has the right idea: a dog, who chases his tail around and eats whatever you give it, or a lemming, who appreciates the bleak futility of existence, and chooses - with all his mates - to end it all by leaping off a cliff? Whatever the case, we ourselves are too stupid to care."

    "Click this, and you can nuke every Lemming on the screen. Why? Because nuking Lemmings is fun."

  • "As has been said before on these pages, Digitiser's own Mr Biffo is, at the tender age of 76, finally learning to drive.

    "This process has opened his eyes to a few things, such as the fact that if you put the handbrake on without pressing the button, the instructor shouts at you, and that if you swear at other learner drivers, the instructor shouts at you."

    Sim City 3000: World Edition: "It truly is a mayor sim among ponces."

    "But some of the 100-odd levels will take hours, in the process making your face swell up, turn purple, make a hissing sound, and implode."

    "...much the same game, only with a few bits tacked on. You know, like glueing the mummified hand of Beethoven the composer to the stomach of Beethoven the movie dog, and pretending he's a Highland cow."

    "Ricky Martin has a lot to answer for. Would Infogrames have signed Ronaldo to endorse its V-Football game if the music charts weren't awash with Latino rythmns by the likes of Martin, Carlos Santana and Herberto Bandito-Cactus? We don't know."

  • "There's something to be said for megalomania. Surely it must be the best thing ever to rule a whole city, and have all its inhabitants bowing to your every whim.


    "...So, anyway. The Sim City series. When will it end? Not just yet. Not while there's still verve pumping through the legs of the old horse."

    "Indeed, the storyline has all the complexity of He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe, so it's a bit like making an 18-rated film starring The Chuckle Brothers as a pair of Slapstick DIY men who murder their clients."

    "You know what mice are like... always running around, trying to get into space rockets, avoiding cats, and that. In fact, it's a miracle it's taken so long for anyone to come up with a game where mice behaviour is so accurately simulated. Except: they haven't."

    "Not completely awful, just mostly awful."

    "WE don't NEED to SEE naked cartoon FAIRIES, jerky."

    "...the hero has to go around 'swording people up'."

    "You do love to write, Hardy."

    "Quake co-creator Jon Romero has spent over three years developing Daikatana from within a cloud of hype - a cloud that has broken into a torrential downpour of inescapable badness. And now look - Jon Romero is soaked, and he's wearing a tight white T-shirt."

    Street Fighter Ex2 Plus: "Look at that stupid title. If Capcom had invented Coca-Cola they'd have called it 'Super Brown Wonder Drink Fizzy Edition 12'.They never call a spade a 'spade' when they can call it a 'Dynamic Ground Tool Turbo FX'."

    "See us yawn."

    "...and hats off for trying something different and that, but just because a wheel has a klaxon built into it, it isn't necessarily a better wheel."

    "Yes, it's classic gameplay, but like a CD of Beatles songs over which a series of guttural snorts have been dubbed, it's not necessarily a classic game."

    "There was one word that described Ecco The Dolphin's Mega Drive games, and that word was 'semprini'."

    "You see if, like us, you've never been a dolphin, or the Man From Atlantis, those Ecco games were the best way to enjoy swimming around in the ocean depths eating fish and stuff."

    "As cynical as we often are, we still think games are the second best thing ever, man. They make us feel saucy!"

    "While mostly playable, the Misadventures Of Tron Bonne does hit a few hurdles, bruising its knees."

    "...when Capcom offer up something completely original, our faceslight up and our ears start spinning."

    "John Cord is your archetypal James Bond type, were James Bond the sort of secret agent who gets captured and beaten up in a sink."

    "We refuse to believe that this game has ever been playtested. If it was, it was playtested by gibbons... REAL GIBBONS."

    "Q: Why did the Cluckston eat Rolf? A: Hen-me-do!"

    Zombie Dave: "Jrrrmz Brrrrnd rrrrz rrrr wrrrrngrrrr."

    "When you drive over a hedgehog, Hardy, do you dismiss it with a wave of your hand and say 'Oh, it'll be alright...'?"

    "Sample exchange of dialogue: BIFFO: 'What's a corndog?' CORNDOG VENDOR: 'It's a what?'"

    "...the difficulty level will skank your day to bits."

  • "Evolution is the maddest thing ever. So-called 'experts' tell us that we're all descended from monkeys, and monkeys were descended from fish, and that fish were descended from bacteria.

    "If you trace your family tree back far enough, you'll find you are related to the Common Cold, Ear Infections and The Runs. In which case, pharmaceutical firms are using antibiotics to MURDER YOUR RELATIVES.

    "Mercifully, the RPG known as 'Evolution' has precisely this much to do with such concepts: nothing."

    "In Evolution, you play some little guy with a giant Swiss Army Knife on your back. As you play through the game's tale of mostly pointless adventuring, you'll be joined by other characters, all with their own back-knives."

    "If the role-playing game industry were the animal kingdom, every animal on earth would be a shrew."

    "We'd love to say that Alundra 2 broke the mould, but it doesn't. We're in shrew country again, kiddies."

    Icewind Dale: "We were real disappointed when we discovered that this wasn't a game about Dale Winton eating frozen baked beans (do you see?)..."

    "Though we've put those halcyon days of orcs and multi-sided dice behind us, we always find rolling-up characters to be something of a guilty - nay, 'dirty' - pleasure. Icewind Dale is so traditional that we were guiltily pleasured to the max."

    "You've seen it all before maybe, but rarely have you seen it so... swollen."

    "The most stupid war of all was the Cold War. It was stupid, and paranoid, and nothing really happened. It was like two women in a nightclub bitching at each other through friends, and never actually getting around to pulling each others' hair."

    "The freedom to have fights is one of our basic human rights. However, unlike, say, the right to dance, having a fight can result in a hurt face."

    "The most fightsome of all the games consoles is the Dreamcast. If it were a man his name would be 'Fightin' John'."

    "That said, just because a horse is born with wheels instead of hooves, doesn't mean it's automatically a better horse."

    "It looks nice enough, but we imagine so would a horse with wheels."

    "As meaty bet 'em ups go, Dead Or Alive 2 is not so much a steak and kidney pie, as a raw horse with a bit of pie crust balanced on its head."

    "We loved this game more than our own parents."

    "Looks nice at times, and then at other times it looks less nice."

    "...but Dead Or Alive 2 is close behind. Punching it in the backs of the knees, probably."

    "'Flint stains, They've got flint stains, All down their modern stonewash jeans. Further, to your question, They bought them from the BBC... And so the song went on: 'Fred's got, A very funny face, He keeps it, in a special place. Something something, stay out for the night, They'll have a gay old time!'"

    "Looks gorgeous. Also features the most... appealing women characters of any game."

    "It makes a change from the usual zombies, but at least zombies eat peoples' faces."

    Zombie Dave: on Star Wars: "Rrrrv grrrt rrr prrprrl lrrtsrrbrr."

    Re: 'Would I be making sense?': "As much as this sentence: 'I am a duck, don't call me bad boy.'"

    "We also dream of a tall, thin robot with a grill in his chest. His name is Stern Thomas, and when you press a button on his neck, multi-purpose foam begins pulsing weakly from his grill."

    "Right now you're either weeping or frothing."

  • "One has to wonder who came up with the idea for tennis, and in particular its frankly absurd scoring system.

    "We will presume it was a pair of Neolithic men who, chancing upon the rotting carcass of a brachiosaur, proceeded to wallop its walnut-sized, putrefying brain back and forth across its rib cage, using the jawbone of a giant sloth.

    "Either that, or it was a bunch of Victorian dandies, who'd overdone it one afternoon on the Pimms and the poppy seeds."

    "Matt Hoffman Pro BMX?!?"

  • "Tie-in merchandising is a funny thing. Let's say you're a real big Scooby Doo fan. You need a new tie to wear to the office, and so you choose a tie bearing an image of Scooby.

    "You do this because you have a deficit of personality and want people to perceive you as a wacky guy, or you think having Scooby on your tie automatically makes it a better tie.

    "It doesn't. The tie could be made out of frozen cow sick, and the presence of Scoob' wouldn't improve it any. Do you see where we're coming from, love?

    "South Park Rally is the proverbial cow-sick necktie, with an image of Scooby Doo woven into it."

    "If you're lucky you may find them funny more than once."

  • "The X-Men: superheroes with powers derived from exposure to radiation. Fair enough, but such an origin doesn't hold up to scrutiny.

    "Were the X-Men real, rather than Magneto, Cyclops, Wolverine and Beast, we'd more likely get Captain Degenerative Bone Tissue, The Weeping Sore, Slow-Death, and Unsightly Bodily Growth Man.

    "Their fighting prowess would be matched only by their ability to lie in a bed while nurses replaced their intravenous drips and spoon-fed them porridge."

    "You don't need this kind of badness, son."

    South Park Rally: "Oh my God, they killed any chance of a good review etc."

    "Oh, now look - we're crying like babies!"

    "We'd love to comment on your letter, but unfortunately we can't be bothered."

    "Alas, next to Sony's whale-sized marketing budget, Sgea is but plankton."

    "Fifteen years ago people might have enjoyed button-smashing gameplay, but 15 years ago most people thought that Spandau Ballet were a pretty neat band."

    "If only all urban construction was so much fun - maybe all of us would want to become butt-cheek-exposed navvies!"

    "Landmaker's influence are about as subtle as streaking through Tesco's frozen food aisle, hiding your modesty with a live rat."

    "Years ago, rather than go there to swim or get fit, we used to attend our local leisure centre purely to play the Track and Field game they had installed in the foyer. We believe this to be the most ironic story of all time."

    "We don't know why Konami has never sued the countless clones, but then we don't know why the scientists keep us in this giant centrifuge..."

    "Nintendo continues to squeeze the udders of its Pokémon cash cow, and feast manically upon its rich milk."

    "...though it remains to be seen whether the Dreamcast's palsied modem can handle it."

    "In fact, Majestic is so spohisticated that it will even break free of its digital realm, and 'phone-you-up'!"

    "Details of the title are currently shrouded in 'mystic drizzle'."

    Re: Pete Taylor (Diamond Geezer): "Is 'Diamond Geezer' your job title?"

    "...then the DC risks being labelled a 'cheapy scuzz-console' by 'the kids'."

  • "Does anyone remember Scampi Fries? They were these funny little bar snacks which smelt so strongly of fish that you couldn't eat a packet without the lingering odour tainting you with the mark of one for whom personal hygiene is an alien concept.

    "Anyway, there was this advert for them in which - we can't remember why - some fisherman proclaims in a deep comedy Cornish accent: 'Baaaarrrrskets?'."

    Zombie Dave on photography: "Rrr lrrk frrtrrz frfv mrr rrrrrrrrrrz."

    Zombie Dave on Nintendo's new console: "Thrr shrrd crrrrl rrt Shrrrdcrrrnd."

    "Virtua Athlete 2K doesn't stand a hedgehog's chance at a truckers' convention."

    "But wait - it isn't all bad! Oh... oh, actually it is."

    "Also, it looks really lovely, with some truly horrible creatures. We were especially taken with the 40-foot tall guy with the flamethrower for a larynx. Hang on... that's our dad!"

    "We didn't want to be a part of sports day. We wanted to sit on the field and throw handfuls of grass at our friends. Virtua Athlete 2K made us feel that way again."

    "As it stands, it's back to the grass-throwing for us."

    "Who wouldn't want to control the lives of their neighbours? Heaven knows we've tried often enough with our neighbour The Miserable Benson. However - lacking as we are in ingenuity - our efforts extended to little more than stealing his apples and pouring wine through his letterbox."

    "There's no denying that it takes the original game and injects it with illegal growth hormones."

    The objective of The Sims: "Or maybe it's just about waiting for them to go to bed and then building a wall around the bed."

    "But heck - The Sims has a fanatical following who'll lap this up like deranged, milk-addicted cats."

    "Although we don't recommend you start or become embroiled in such a ruckus, comedy bar fights are the best thing ever. We're just sorry that more British pubs don't have Wild West-style balconies and troughs outside."

    Re: Sony - 'Another company has shot itself in the foot': "Or 'face' maybe."

    "You are 'Daddy Weigh-it-all-up'."

    "Yes - it's about as easy as kissing fog."

    "No, the freshwater ack is the strangest of fish. It lives in a shoe!"

    High scares?: "However, given the horrific nature of the game, perhaps that should be 'compare best SCARES'. Do you see our clever use of the words? We're practically the Charles Dickens of our time."

  • "Get a load of this funny football anecdote: when he was young, Digitiser's own Mr Biffo used to have a friend called Warren Cox. Once, Mr Biffo and the Cox boy went to watch Wealstone FC play a match.

    "During the match, Mr Biffo grabbed Cox boy's cap off his head, and threw it on to the pitch. Then, at the end of the match, the Cox boy vaulted the fence and retrieved the cap, and never spoke to Biffo again.

    "All this only happened because Biffo was bored witless by the football."

    "Violet Berlin once told Mr Biffo that he looked like George Michael."

    "Airwolf is 'The King of Helicopters'."

    "Your confrontational, metaphorical theorising has confused and scared us."

    Re: Ronnie Wealleans: "That's quite some surname, son. Was the registrar drunk when he wrote out your birth certificate?"

  • "Digitiser's Mr Biffo does not mix well with pets. In the past he has accidentally catapulted kittens across a living room, confused fish food with paprika, and mistakes hamsters for giant moth eggs.

    "Even the Digitiser Donkey won't come near him after that incident with the butcher's hose.

    "As you might imagine, he's come to the conclusion that he should refrain from caring for critters. His misguided attempts to eat his Tamagotchi even rules out the virtual variety."

    Re: "What is Mr Biffo's official job title? Is it 'Baron of the universe'?": "No, it is just 'Baron'."

    "You see, Team Buddies is a cute, colourful game that younger players would've embraced, were it not for the fact that its cutesy characters spew four-letter words faster than Sweary Joe The Sweary Crow."

    "As she sets off to rescue a village of flares-wearing dullards..."

    "And no, that isn't the fevered wrongness of a ginned-up tramp."

    "Mixing different types of the same thing is real big fun. Say you mix a cow with a giraffe - you'd need a ladder to squeeze its udders."

    "NOTE TO ALL GAMES COMPANIES: make more money by being less stupid."

    Re: 'Wines & spirits are the best thing ever': "Especially when taken together in a big clay jug."

    "No one cooks better than your mum - and we should know!"

    Re: Chris Shephard: "That's just stupid talk, Cybil."

    "We're assuming that Sony's PS2 business plan was written up by Drunkston P.Drunk."

    "Sony has begun acting like a van-full of drunk infants since the thing was released in Japan back in February."

    "So why are we a-quakin' like shiverers?"

    "By keeping PS2 publishing restrictions looser than a stoat's gusset, Sony is effectively stuffing a drawer-full of socks down its throat before it's even had a chance to breathe."

    "It's wrong from scabby toe to putrid head."

    "It was enough to make us grin like gibbons."

    "Here's the basic idea... you must raise little monsters from babies, and train them to kill each other in fights. You know, a bit like they do in the East End of London."

    "Hidden & Dangerous has you controlling a small squad of troops as they attempt to cuss the Nazis...."

    "...You can bark simple orders to your nearest team-mates, such as 'Follow me', 'Stop', and 'Shoe-horn'."

    "Genetics is a wonderful thing, but most scientists would baulk if you attempted to graft a shrew on to a wolf."

    "They could get Al Pacino to play 'L-Shaped Block."

    "Yeah, but at least Street Fighter had that Minogue woman in it."

    "Rather than confront us with the prospect of a game fronted by a nude Keith Chegwin - in space..."

    "...And you get the obscure ones where you have to build a foyer out of fruit before a timer runs out."

    Board games: "There's something to be said for sitting around a table and hissing at your relatives."

  • "Do they still have school discos in this age of UK garage and R'n'B? If so, do they still play Come On Eileen, and does everyone get smoochy (ie: the boys stand on one side, and the girls on the other) to Jennifer Rush?

    "Pfff. We imagine that modern kids are too busy talking into their 'WAP phones', and running around firing their 9mm Uzis into the ceiling, and having gang wars, and going 'whassup' and 'boyakasha' all the time.

    "Discos? Beat it? Dancing? Dancing is SO 1980s, right?"

    "...All featuring spontaneous events (day turning into night on the hour and the players suffering from Vitamin C deficiency on the pirate side)."

  • "A couple of years ago, Digitiser's own international playboy, Mr Biffo, stayed at a caravan park in Swanage. One evening, in search of something to imbibe, he stumbled into the clubhouse.

    "There he saw an audience of 15 campers frozen in boredom and confusion, staring at a man on a stage. He was 50-ish, in tight jeans, frizzy Brian May hair, and white vest, singing along to a backing tape of soft rock standards.

    "It was a glorious sight, and though we can't be sure, we think he may have done the music for F335 Challenge..."

    "Nostalgia, like the power of love, is a curious thing. It make-a one man weep, and another man sing."

    "He can swim, climb, glide, jump and fizz; everythign that every other platformer star has ever been able to do, basically. Except - he cannot fizz!"

  • "You stupid kids with your mobile phones... back in our day you didn't have all networks or WAP. The craze back then was BMX bikes, and if you wanted to talk to a friend you had to physically cycle round to his house.

    "But the joke's on you, haha! When we're still riding around on our Raleigh Burners when we're 86, your sedentary lifestyle will have finished you youngsters off long before.

    "That is, providing the bucket of salt we've just consumed doesn't harden our arteries any further."

    "Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX has you performing cycling tricks in concrete halfpipes, muddy wastelands, and The Street (NOTE: not Coronation Street, though that would be cool)."

    "Gigawing, you skanked us up big time."

    "Get this, Rossy: according to some guy on alt.digitiser this week, all your letters are made up by us."

  • "Some things are nice to remember - old cartoons, wars where we won, the 1966 World Cup, how it wasn't like this in our day, your first gin...

    "However, other things are bad to remember - getting beaten up at a fun fair by a Ferris Wheel operator, falling over a rubbish bin while playing cricket during PE, and the middle era of videogames."

    "Punch them - PUNCH THEM ALL!"

    "But let's hope it doesn't turn anyone into a real murderer, like other games do!"

    "It was like our second worst nightmare made flesh!"

    "The Sims appealed as much to the sadist as the voyeur. Oh, the joy of psychological torture. At last a game where you could imprison someone in a windowless room!"

    "So then, The Sims. Truly a game for the borderline psychotic."

  • "We'd say that 99% of game plots/scripts display a woeful grasp of basic storytelling principles.

    "But hey - let's not forget that the games industry is still in its relative infancy. In the first two decades of the film industry they only ever made movies about people falling over, or people sitting on sofas.

    "Also, the first ever novel, written by HG Wells in 1472, was just three pages long, and re-used the phrase 'Then they went...' more than twelve times."

    "And, if you had the cheat, you could play with Spider-Man. What more could any guy want?"

    "...The way they wet themselves when you trapped them in a room with a sink but no toilet..."

    "Now look: we've started to vent bile... TO PHYSICALLY VENT BILE."

    "It took the stale and rotting look of the racing genre and set fire to its stinking crust."

    Huge Game Boy arcade cabinet: "In anyone's terms, this was akin to strapping an oak to a bonsai tree to make it bigger."

    "...Rounds things off better than a 'Buff-a-tronic' machine."

    "This is the last thing we had to write before our Christmas break. Do you think anyone will be able to tell?"

    "That it's probably the best multiplayer PlayStation 2 game available, makes us all the more crazy (in an angry sense - not a 'we bark at pigeons' sense)..."

    "Though it may resemble a 'skank's breadbin'."

    "Have we mentioned how much we like monkeys yet?"

    "You can't go wrong with monkeys, whether they're sitting next to you on the sofa, throwing coke cans at the TV, or swinging around on a rope, picking at their groin. Monkeys are great."

    "Indeed, if the PlayStation 2 were an entertainer, it would be Jane McDonald."

    "Coming at this early stage in the PS2's life, it's akin to Jane McDonald endorsing a book about sexing gerbils, printed on human skin."

    "However, putting the letter 'T' after the word rabbi may also seem like a good idea on paper, but it doesn't automatically make him a rabbit."

    "Representatives from - among others - EA, LucasArts, 3DO and Konami, debated the issue of whether violent games are funny or a cause for concern."

  • "We don't know what the big deal is with space. Like, the name just about sums it up: 'an empty area full of nothing'.

    "Oh sure, there's the Sun, but that's too hot to visit. And the Moon is too boring. And Mars is too far away.

    "Perhaps if more wars were fought in space, or more space stations hurtled out of orbit, we'd find it a bit more interesting. But as it is, space is just a load of old rubbish. There are no off-licences in space."

    "Like hooded men with hammers, some games just creep up on you."

    "Serious Sam is like a foul-mouthed dustman at a royal garden party."

    "In other words, no matter how hard you try you can't shoehorn a gateau beneath a warthog's eyelids."

    "...Didn't so much miss the point as accidentally reverse over it in their car."

    "Unfortunately, this is as likely to happen as Roly the dead dog suddenly bursting out of Dot's eye."


    "Now is the time to consume chocolate eggs!"

    "Further confounding those who consider the format deader than Eddie Deadson - the real dead dude - yet another Sega save-me-do has been unveiled for the Dreamcast."

    "Its looking as if this will be one to file in the drawer marked 'Holliers Sausage Company Ltd Tax Returns 1987-1992'. Hello?"

    Zombie Dave on French Customs official seizures being made up by 42% Pokémon goods: "Yrrz. Rnd thrr rzzzd wrrrz drrrldrrz."

    "It's like watching a laboratory monkey repeatedly grabbing a banana that's been wired into the mains."

    Fear Effect 2's main attraction: "Also: unzipped leather catsuits!"

    "If it were a car, it would be made out of chalk and its wheels would be on the inside."

    Army Men: Green Rogue: "But you had to wade through bizarre 'adventure' sections that sat with the rest of the game about as easily as a monkey might sit in a giant bottle of monkey poison, while a drunk tramp hammers on the glass, waving a pickaxe."

    "Even if, in our humble opinion, Daytona USA 2001 was about as much fun as a church disco."

  • "'Tanks' (thanks) for the memory. My name is 'Tank' (Hank). I'm going to 'tank' (spank) your bottom. Your hair's a bit 'tank' (lank). I'm so hyperactive I had to have a 'tank' to calm down (a 'tranq' - short for 'tranquiliser' - to calm down).

    "See all the fun you can have substituting the word 'tank' for words that sound a bit like 'tank'?

    "Truly 'tank' is the most versatile word there is. This is only appropriate for a word meaning 'a vehicle that can both drive around and shoot stuff in'. Tank!"

    "If Sony didn't want the PS2 to be slated, it shouldn't have invented an 'Emotion Engine' that's only capable of provoking one emotion: apathy."

    "We hope we've got the name of this game right. You see, we couldn't be bothered to write it down, and we can't check because we've sold our copy to a shop."

    "However, to date the Japanese games industry's vaguely xenophobic anti-Xbox rhetoric has demonstrated one thing: that the games industry is a symbiotic circle, a living, pulsing organism that collapses whenever you kick its legs out from underneath it. We wish we knew what that meant."

    "Heck, they're like the M25 - had it been designed by Robot Jones: The Stunt-Course Designing Android."

    "Robot Jones would approve."

    "And for that, we'd like to stuff Stunt GP down our shoes."

  • "Superheroes, eh? What's that all about then? Grown men and women dressing up like monkeys and that, and jumping around fighting villains who are similarly dressed in stupid outfits?

    "But nobody stops to question it all. They all go: 'Ooh, look! Look at Batman! He's a real big hero'.

    "They don't stop and go: 'Batman? He dresses up as a bat and lives in the Batcave, and calls his car the Batmobile, and hangs around with a little boy he calls Robin. Perhaps Batman needs therapy on his brain'."

    "Ugly would be one word for it. Another would be Chusstanto."

    "But as Batman says: 'Ooh! GET this, you cow! Whoooops!"

    Army Men: "...now evokes pity for those responsible rather than disbelief."

    "Publishing giant Eidos continues to stumble around like a drunk tramp after falling off a ghost train."

    Sonic 3 reprised: "But to us it was akin to eating an air sandwich with a nude playing card stuck in the top."

    Sonic & Knuckles: "...exploring the original game by playing as Knuckles, the wall-climbing echidna. Whatever one of those is (probably a type of crow)."

    "Yes: in corporate terms it had become a 'shaven sloth'."

    "Further signs that Sega was starting to become complacent and take its success for granted, Sonic 3 may have sold like the proverbial 'monks-on-a-stick..."

    "Sega continues to back out of Europe like a lost pony reversing out of a glue factory."

    "There's a road near us called 'Spartus 47 Close'. Or, at least, there would be if that were true."

    "You're confusing the personal computer with the Super System: Codename #95."

    "We've not liked passwords ever since we were thrown out of MI6 for revealing that the director's screensaver password was 'Chewbacca'."

    "That's nothing. We know the inventor of reversible sedgewicks."

    "Because the inventor of reversible sedgewicks hates you."

    "But the camera system's messed-up. They should have used reversible sedgewicks."

    "It's a bigger hit than the reversible sedgewick!"

    "Nintendo's Game Boy Advance continues to sell like the proverbial 'gold-plated reversible sedgewicks' in Japan."

    Re: Tomb Raider - 'I don't care what the critics say, I think it looks good and can't wait to see it': "That's what the cromagnon said about the sun just before he went blind. Do you see?"

  • "'Cult film' is usually another way to say 'bad film'. Or, at best, 'low budget film starring Rutger Hauer'.

    "Evil Dead and its sequels are the archetypal cult films, and their star, Bruce Robinson, the ultimate B-list actor.

    "Alas, gone are the days when we could happily stay up all night drinking, and watching an endless succession of bad, straight-to-video movies. See, with age comes wisdom, and the realisation that we don't want to watch rubbish films, no matter how drunk we may be."

    "However, we have suddenly become gripped with a hollow ache of sadness in our soul, and can no longer continue to detail the gameplay."

    "It's awful from fetid head to decomposing foot."

    "Here's something really funny to do: go and visit one of those open-to-tourists mines in Wales and stand outside shouting 'Scab!' at all the visitors. This is what Digitiser's Mr Biffo did on a recent Welsh exursion - and he's still laughing."

    "Though a million pounds isn't quite as much money as it was, say, a decade ago, having that much in our back pockets would certainly help grease (seduce) the wheels (ladies) of life (down our gin den)."

    Zombie Dave's favourite type of painting: "Rrr lrrk prrrntrrrnz rrv frrrrrnrrrz."

    Zombie Dave on Street Fighter: "Rrr crrn lrrk rtr Chrrn Lrrz frrrnrr."

    "Artists featured include such favourites as Kool & The Gang, Flock Of Seagulls, Hall & Oates, Grandmaster Flash, Judas Priest, Yentsen and DeBarres, Foynt and 'Tot'."

    "However, Rocky VIII takes the biscuit; Rocky is critically wounded, and his place is taken in the ring by a life-sized marionette - carved out of HAM!"

    "As Christmas creeps closer, like a maniac with a hammer coming under your hedge, console sales are inflating like a tortoise affixed to a leaf blower."

    "The word 'sausage' just doesn't do it justice. But then, it wouldn't"

    "Westwood Studios has been punted into a tin bath and kicked to bits."

    "A number of Westwood staff are expected to be laid off, although the Command & Conquer franchise will continue, with the imminent release of Command & Conquer: We've All Been Fired."

    "They might as well have retitled it 'Ghost Recon: The Stupid Edition - For Idiots'."

    "What does this all mean? At the end of the day, not a lot. Percentages are like beagles: irrelevant and barking."

    "In stupid terms, releasing The Sims on the PlayStation 2 is akin to Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney getting together to release a garage album, under the name 'MC Cartney featuring Bingo Farr'."

    "Miyamoto will be happy to sign games and faces, using a type of large pencil made from part of an elk."

    "We've just had a thought; you know how you sometimes see dogs who've had their hind legs amputated? Well, how come you never see dogs with no front legs?

    "That would be something that would be good to see. They'd probably look like a sort of self-propelled hairy plough, and would have to wear a protective face sheath to prevent carpet burns.

    "Of course, none of that has anything to do with Men In Black II, but it shows that we'd rather talk a load of old rubbish than review this tedious game."

    "Naturally, we can write such glib statements all day, but it won't change one simple, undeniable fact: we could guzzle a satchel of cabbage and guff a better game than this."

    "You see, as has been proved, if Sega tried to cook an omelette, it would attempt to eat straight out of the frying pan. While it was still frying."

    "Contra Shattered Soldier is like having a tungsten-tipped plumb bob cracked over your head by a feisty chimp."

    "But we digress. In fact, it appears we've digressed for a whole page. How very queer!"

    "A Ninintendo spokesman said: 'Srrrttth? Setttttth... Settth... iss... g-gone?'"

    "Nintendo is relying on the March 21 release of Metroid Prime to kick-start the fortunes of its emasculated GameCube, which suffered what experts are calling 'a rubbish Christmas'."

    "In strictly scientific terms, the console has been selling about as well as half a horse in a tin bath of stale sweets would at a car auction."

    "To elaborate upon the current GameCube situation, we ask you to picture an incontinent male tramp entering himself into a readers' wives pageant."

    "Let's face it, The Fast Show had its moments, but watch one episode and you'd seen them all. Catchphrases are all well and good in isolation, but repeated use is really just a way of masking poor writing. Moc-moc-a-moc! Stay away from my bins. Do you see? We cuss you bad."

    "Like a special type of man in a rubber mask, Konami knows how to make us happy."


      -"The Sport of Boxing involves two men punching each other in the face until one of them falls down."

      -"It is particularly popular among gangsters from the East End of London, and Irishmen (especially Irish gangsters from the East End of London)."

      -"To cheat, some boxers put horse shoes in their gloves."

      -"Many boxers are quite skinny. These boxers are called 'Super Fly Guys'."


      No. 9: "I really wanted the game until I saw a documentary on the telly which said playing games gives you alopecia. Give me my money or I'll sue you for giving me alopecia."

      No. 10: "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

      No. 14: "It's because I'm Spanish, isn't it? You have something against the Spanish, do you? You want to make something of it, or am I going to have to report you to the Racial Equality thing people?"

      No. 21: "I'm a member of Aqua. Give me my money back or I'll write a new song about you."

      No. 24: "If you give me my money back I'll show you my pants."

    Know any more, dear? Then you know what you have to do: scream until your pancreas bursts (email them to superpage58@gmail.com). Yes.