"HP Lovecraft might sound like an art practised by Mr Biffo and his brown sauce bottle - and it is!"

"It's one of those platformers where you control three guys with different abilities, and you have to swap between them at the appropriate moments. It's like a dream Mr Hairs once had."

"Polygons? These are the size of bus windows, and traverse the screen with all the suave nonchalance of a palsied blackbird on ether."

"Sifting through the play options and putting them into action is as straightforward as drawing a snake on your face."

"Even so, you might easily be forgiven for thinking this was some sort of stupid 7th Guest add-on disk. But not by us - we can never forgive you."

"Stunt Race FX looks to be a direct cross between the graphical styles of Mario Kart and Virtua Racing. 'Funnee' combined with 'seriousee'."

"We haven't felt as awe-struck and insignificant since contemplating the enormity of Frontier's universe whilst on codeine."

"Once the realisation sets in that you don't know what you're supposed to be doing, you'll force it through a stove."

"The plot bored us so much we had to go into space."

"Overhead graphics so basic your 486 will shoot over them with Biffo-like uncontrollability."

"Crazy Chase, with its isometric clown antics, swept through our legs like a pine needle tossed on a nougat-scented gust of alpine air."

"We're givin' them away like there's no tomorrow - even though there is!!!"

"Graham Brian is one of those games that's easy to slip into but hard enough to have you coming back for more (how Mr Hairs loves these)."

"Acclaim have allowed themselves a towering $10 million worldwide marketing budget for the forthcoming Mortal Kombat II - and they don't intend to waste any of it on plaster busts of popular poets!"

"The rest will be wasted on plaster busts of popular poets!"

"Expect it as part of this autumn's looming game glut. Or forget it, and then get surprised when you see it."

"Options literally stream from the game like hallucinating skin cream addicts running to catch a giant pot of Nivea."

"It combined several notable twists on the strategy genre with terribly dated and blatantly derivative graphics and a manual so pitiful we showed it to shrews."

"Amiga owners will no doubt have their eyes pricked at the very sight of the start of this paragraph - you see, it begins 'Amiga owners'."

"Ugly, slow and stupid. Hey - it's you!"

"Japanese, Spanish and Scandinavian versions are already being published elsewhere in the world: France!"

"We've sometimes been beastly about CDs. We said that they were really Satan's Spinny Shiners, and that the only good CD was one that a fat pig had sat on. But we've never said any of that."

"Actually, we only put this in because IBM are for some reason dedicating the award to the memory of Charlie Chaplin, which we thought was quite funny."

"Archer Maclean's outrageous apeing has often got him into trouble: once he bit off a woman's glove in the course of his now-banned baboon routine."

"We're talking about Defender, you doped-up winos."

"You'll come across a plethora of weaponry during the game, all of which will literally spray your enemies against the wall. Something you'll often find Mr Hairs doing to his friends."

"Big robots will always be in vogue. As will almost-rude pictures of fashion models and those samples of perfume lurking beneath folded edges. You see, we have made a joke: a joke about the magazine Vogue!"

"Just as its melodious sibling croons haunting ballads to love-sick Mega Drive owners, so PC Psycho Pinball comfortably comes out atop that funny pinball tree with an iron pig on it."

"A two-player head-to-head option, smooth and solid ball movement - it's already sounding like Biffo's Delight."

"S!"

"And!"

"This initially made us pull the hooves off a toy horse."

"Bioforge is the story of Lex, a cheeky innocent who, like Mr Biffo, incurs the wrath of Dr Mastaba."

"Find out why, find out where. Find it all out!"

"If you've been playing the likes of Descent, be prepared to go to prison for three months."

"This has meant the loss of several key staff members, and the chairman has burnt a little plant he kept in a box."

The Daedalus Encounter: "'Ah', said Mr Biffo when he saw the title. 'I've enjoyed plenty of those!' Perhaps he slightly misread 'Daedalus'."

"Controlling the dolphin sprite is second only to nudity, and though the puzzles at times verge on the impossible, they're better than death."

"Attempting to drag a game like Theme Park down to the MD's level and still retain the winning elements is like trying to force a dog into a sock."

"Calling all casual strategy fans: there's a big fire and you are in it! That's just a warning, to alert you to the dangers of approaching this game without proving a serious dedication to the genre. Did it work?"

"Machiavelli is based on a board game, which is usually enough to have us pop-rivetting the fleshy part of our palms."

"If a fat Cossack forced you in front of a PC and would not stop spitting in your fridge until you mastered A4 Networks, you might learn to love it."

"The overwhelming range of locomotives makes Transport Tycoon look like a shiny toy owl."

"But if you persevere they enter your score in some global competition. Thank heavens for little girls!"

"The game provides further proof that it isn't only PC owners who live in toilets. We don't know what we mean!"

"You proceed by spinning a one-arm bandit, and hamper the progress of others by playing cards which make them miss turns or drink flob."

"It's better than someone having to throw their shoes at a policeman."

"A fairly major falling-out with VR development partners Virtuality has seen the deal fall apart as if a really fast punt had struck them as they swam."

"Worse, it doesn't even look very good. And nor do you!"

"Where else can you drive a truck through an orphanage and not get arrested for it? Brazil, probably."

"Our email system went down this week, and we only received seven Hot Topic letters. Whose fault was it? It was Skeletor's fault."

"The Jungle Book was a book first, right, before it became a famous cake."

"Enemies range from crabs, to wasps, to W.A.S.P. and Judas Priest."

"A spokesman for Future Publishing said: 'I can see your nan's house from here'."

"If only Mr Biffo could have confined his activities to a Widget Workshop, he might have been a free man today."

Widget Workshop: "Jack Dee joke."

"After the weary farce that was Larry 6, it's a relief to come up against a Sierra game that really gives you the willies."

"Almost everything about it is fragrant."

"Incensed by talk that they're not doing all they might to promote the A1200, Commodore have announced that they'll be giving away hot pudding to anyone who can sing to them about 'Drummond'."

"We had the exclusive Virtual Soccer review back in 1066, but we decided you're too stupid to remember it."

"A more arcade-ish game, with more goals than there are 'fellas' in our U-bend."

"Suppose Mr Biffo went back in time and stopped Mr Cheese from ever being arrested for having those 'books' under his bed? It'd all be a bit different now, we can tell you."

"We have to confess that since Elite 2 sucked our noses off, the sight of another space trading/combat title crashing through our porcelain skylight causes us to squeeze ants gently."

"It's also the longest course on the US Tour, with an opening hole of 644 yards (some 643.999 yards wider than Mr Biffo's)."

"You may want to consider this. But don't eat it!"

"We went to the theatre once. We were scared though. All those fish. And that big machine with the cogs and the special tongue. That's actually a true story. Is it?"

"There's been a fair bit of fluff on our Police Quest needle of late."

"We found PQ4 on floppy shiny - but just too huge (three of the previous six words have caused Mr Biffo to faint)."

"Initially, there's a lot to remember when playing Hardball '94, but it all comes naturally in the end. Biffo?"

"So many tournaments, you might even break your knees."

"There was a letter about tramps, but we spilt sulphur on it."

"A very brief fiddle with a pre-production copy of the game resulted in Mr Hairs scoring a hole-in-one. Not unusual for a man of his talents, but it rarely happens to him in golf games."

"Multiple-button combinations open up a vast range of moves your players can perform, including: headers, chesties, kneebos, fendos, kemdos and wignalls."

"You can even give your team a talking to, with advice such as 'get stuck in' and 'spit that out'."

"Also, the crowd sound as if they're all asthmatic or breathing through kazoos."

"Maxis have been keen to put some of those Sim millions into broadening their portfolio (no, Biffo. NO)."

"You know how sometimes you look back on something you've done and think: 'Damn, I'm nude!'? It's a bit like that with us and the Hot Topic, only it's you that's nude. You idiots!"

"You may also find crates containing friendly animals who will let you ride them. But only if you shave first."

"And the 3DO came out. And so did Mr Cheese!"

"We hate Sonic because he owns an Amiga."

Three wishes for 1995: "Mr Biffo wishes sloppy public relations people would get their act together. Mr Cheese would love a new hard drive. Hairs, however, has his fingers crossed in the hope that his neighbour, Mr Bambos, will finally submit to his requests."

"Can we stretch this piece out to fill another paragraph? No - it doesn't look like it!"

"There's also a new control option, enhanced replay, and a sticker of an elephant being shot. That just isn't true!"

"Mario is surprised to see Napoleon and Garibaldi holding hands at a stock car rally. When he intervenes, Haile Selassie and Clive Sinclair jump him. Later he's forced to watch as King Herod and Lloyd George ride a young pig across a bridge."

"In the words of Solomon Grundy: 'Descent is a futuristic shoot 'em up that manages to out-Doom Doom! I was born on a Monday'."

"Do otters descend on you while you sleep?"

"'What's up with the dogs?' Bugs Bunny is Marubeni's latest Warner Bros platformer."

Mortal Kombat 2: "'Finish' him, Mr Biffo."

"However, Escom may decide on a number of additions to Commodore UK staff, including: a wolf called Palmer, a diver by the name of Captain GMT, and a dinosaur named Richard Bach."

"This isn't at all interesting."

"Although your email did arrive some time ago, by only putting it out now we are able to make you look stupid."

"The one zinc lining to the vast storm cloud: it runs on a 386, so even poor people can get bored."

"If you're attracted by the prospect of undoing your opponents by sly share deals, you might start to become happy, but then you might stop."

"Gran Chaser could describe Mr Hairs, whose predilection for ageing crones landed him in jail on four occasions."

Woodruff & The Schnibble: "Hood Fluff & The Biffo."

"The more we think, the more sand comes out of our mouths."

"You know what they say about daddys: 'Daddys are here all the time!'"

"Super Stardust means well, but like a bad monster, it can't help trying to kill children."

"Any major cut in price would hurt Panasonic as much as if a large crab pinched them in the belly. They would go 'Oooh!'"

"For most popes, one world of SSI RPGs would be more than enough. But if you aren't a pope, well, here are three!"

"We've never heard of Lemmings, and neither have you."

"It's better than someone having to wear a big coat in the sea."

"You can climb onto a hedge and leap onto your foe, or run into a stationers."

"Using your special 'lock-on' feature is particularly useful when dealing with the larger bosses. As Mr Hairs often says."

"Of course, it's nothing like the top-down chase Mr Hairs took part in after meeting up with his friends on the motorway."

"Moving and attacking is as simple as shoving a spike into a warren."

"So then, that's three swooping 3D levels full of Tarantino refugees and Blues Brothers, yes? No. Yes!"

Foreman For Real: "Poor Mr Hairs - he's usually after Four Men For Something Awful. Do you see?"

"No surprises really, but it isn't as bad as stomach ache."

"Up against Actua Soccer for the title of Chrimboard Footman, FIFA '96 is that rare thing - a drowned bin."

"This is only Monopoly, but it's done so well that you'll almost certainly want to write a rock opera about it."

SU 27 Flanker: "Cockney rhyming slang."

"The biggest bonus is a neat track designer... we were able to produce some very interesting shapes. Can you imagine what? Yes'm, we made one in the shape of a pe"

"Why all the fuss over Rayman? It smells like dog food to us. The tired platform gameplay made all six of Mr Hairs' dwarven helpers 'drop off'."

"Surely Ubisoft could have produced something with a bit more excitement. Like a horn made out of diodes."

"Great name for a cartoon; but oh, what a lovely war (average game)!"

"We wish you hadn't written this letter."

Escom's Amiga UK layoffs leaving only two members of staff: "It's a sad state of affairs, made worse by our lie that one of the surviving staff is 11 years old."

"It's likely that your first attempts at Sega Rally will have you ricocheting across the tracks like a crab fired from a catapult."

"Running on a DX3 is all well and good, but in the games market, charity is next to nudity."

"We know it isn't fair to compare a racing sim to an arcade racer, but it just slipped out. Like an egg."

"Listen, it was just so much better to look at and play than any of the other PC tilt-dingers that have suddenly burst out of that sleeping juror."

"There are plenty of view options in Tilt, but the 2D and 3D scrolling modes are as much use as an invisible piston."

"The game will be available this summer, you stringed-up div."

"Activision's bloke Robert Kotick says: 'Peter has the creativity to create a games universe etc. etc.' It wasn't very interesting anyway."

"They got Johnny Cage's Low Blow wrong in the Mega Drive manual, too. Just as well Mr Biffo was already a 'Low Blow' expert."

Return To Ringworld: "Yes, another one that had Mr Biffo puffing red steam - before we told him it was actually a point-and-click adventure about space fugitives."

"System Shock tells the predictable tale of a hacker, who, on waking from a government-induced six-month sleep, discovers a computer has gone berserk and put all the salt in the shower."

"The eventual aim of wandering around the space station is to find a terminal and 'jack in' to cyberspace. Mr Hairs!"

"The vast array of vehicles just about stopped us from grasping a ralst."

"Druid is quite goo-id (good)."

"How dare we insult our audience by putting out stuff like this?"

Endorfun: "Poor Mr Biffo! He thought this was a three-word question, and spent an age agonising over his final choice."

"No. You've murdered your parents, forged the Luncheon Vouchers, joined the Moonies: now play the media's favourite subliminal message-doused kid-rotting PC experience."

"Endorfun is unlikely to love you if, like us, you possess the spatial skills of a damaged stork."

Endorfun: "End of fun"

"Biting a further trotter off this week's 'sad news' pig, trade mag CRN asserts that Goldstar are about to put all their 3DOs in a bucket of thinners."

"Now Goldstar UK are unable to confirm that the machine will be sold here next Christmas, either in shops or prisons."

"You probably knew that X-Wings derive their name from the large brown 'X' that George Lucas has tattooed on his back."

"Even at full detail, Zone Raiders ran like a scared pimp on our DX4."

"A load of camera views and smarmy wee graphic touches like translucent water (replete with submerged brothels (objects))."

"A bona-fide interactive movie, The Darkening features performances from Brian Blessed, John Hurt and Christopher 'Street' Walken."

"Take parts (ramp, ball, pump, belt, felt, kilt), make machine, perform comedy task (feed cat, belittle poet)."

"This would be worse than someone having to go and live under a bridge, and then the bridge turns into a dragon."

"It only goes to show what a lot of us have been saying for years: it's really funny when Americans mess up."

"The PC needs another arcade-style racer like Kiss need another kite."

"If you're considering buying a PC in the near future, here's some news that may make you reconsider: we've siphoned all the money out of your bank account."

"Our advice would be to wait for a couple of months, and then spend the money on a mannequin of Aken Drum."

"The only other thing we must tell you is why we are whispering, but we can't because it's a secret. You agent!"

Primal Rage: "Bobby Gillespie."

"Look, guy: look at this awful 3DO port-over and smack it with your magic fist."

"There is a word for this sort of thing, and that word is 'mallacks' (shovelware)."

"Tekken 2 controls so smoothly, it's like sliding a hot lens through a chocolate femur."

"Gone are the days of fiddling with a sticky manual. Whoosh!"

Fat Sow: "If you don't think this will have any effect, just take a look at the Nintendo release schedule, which is spinning out of control like a rutting doe in a khazi!"

"There are eight definite things in this world that people either love or hate. The first is The Need For Speed on 3DO. The other is watching a wizard struggling in a box."

Chart Cat: "Have you ever seen a growing lad cry? I know I have, and it was wonderful!"

"It's starting to happen: our football game entertainment threshold has begun to perish like a tramp's fingernail in a cup of vinegar."

"Frankly, the Nintendo 64 football game catalogue is about as interesting as a conversation about inert gasses between a couple of drunken researchers at a scientific gala ball."

"There were some 1,600 new titles premiered at the Atlanta Electronic Entertainment Expo – some good, some worse than coming home to find a tramp has used your favourite casserole dish as a toilet."

"Thou hast swallowed one too many mess-up pills, son."

"It must be pointed out that Outwars' visuals are about as appealing as kissing a tramp's stomach, but the gameplay is a significantly better quality of belly."

"We might not care about it that much, but will that stop Sony releasing it here? Yes! No."

Chart Cat: "Besides these two, the CD Top 30 is comprised of 28 PC titles. How long can this perfectly monstrous situation persist? Five years!"

Gossi The Dog: "It isn't every day that a monkey gets invited to sit on my head, but one was when I first heard the next rumour."

"In Japan, where Resident Evil is known as 'Biohazard', the new editions of the game will be known as Biohazard: The Next Project, or Biohazard: Super Gay Guys Go Monkey Crazy."

"Just because something's old doesn't mean it's not good. Our grandfather can still disco dance and 'body pop' with a few roman candles under his commode."

"Yes, it does have a stupid name, but then so does Tokyo Sexwale – and look at him now!"

'Your three gaming wishes' Hot Topic: "It did prove to us how few of you can count. We lost count of the number of entries which contained more than four wishes, because you see – we're unable to count either!"

"Sometimes a little hole would open which you'd be required to shoot into. Did Mr Hairs say something then?"

"The only chance a barber like you will ever get to shoot Boba Fett or explore the inside of a kiln (Star Destroyer)."

Sony and Nintendo's next consoles: "'Apparently', both firms have the design of their next systems already figured out: both machines will resemble vibrating cloth eggs."

"Please, father, take this game and bust it up."

"Unfortunately, though, Doctor Smell is here to ruin the party."

Gossi The Dog: "Well, I'm so glad to see me again – and so are you!"

"Brick, clock, block – daddy has a shop! That's a little rhyme."

"LUST FOR LIFE! Etc. etc. LUST FOR LIFE! Etc. etc."

Die Hard Trilogy: "Hip hip hooray, mother dearest!"

"We won't insult your intelligence by telling you that this is a racing game. However, we will insult your intelligence by telling you that motorbikes only have two wheels."

3D Ultra Mini Golf: "Eighteen holes for under 20 quid? You can't get that sort of value anywhere, not even down at the docks."

"Anecdote: Mr Biffo used to work at Wembley Arena. Once, chaos erupted prior to an ice hockey game when a player found his boots had been filled with human liquid waste. It. Is. True."

"War? War is stupid... and people are stupid. If people weren't stupid, they'd probably not have invented guns, except to shoot cows, because people like to eat cows for dinner."

"There ain't nothing like a boat! Except perhaps, a dame."

"It isn't every day that a big swan walks into your bakery and coughs a load of walnuts over your toes."

"The Segaworld site in London is at last proving popular, but is still less popular than Womack & Womack."

"Not only is the game one of the most hideous abominations ever to push its face through our curtains, it controls about as well as a London taxi with a dead eel in place of its front axle."

"Actually, that isn't entirely true, but it might have been true had it really happened."

"Luckily, Digitiser has both football fans and pariahs on its books, otherwise poor Mr Biffo would be left scratching his head - and not for the first time."

"B-a-kk-kak-krr-kak! Don't worry, we're not doing an impression of someone with brittle bones trying to climb through a window, this is the sound that was made when we snapped our Asghan CD in half."

"As if that isn't enough, Encyclogame continues with 'E' (which 'is good')."

"Best of all, though, is that you can customise the artwork on your plane. Can you guess what we painted? Can you? Mmm, can you?"

"You may think that's a glib statement to make, but then you're not pilled-up Jacobites, like what we are."

"Eat THAT, so-called Planet of the Apes."

"Like Nintendo's Game and Watch anthology Game Boy Gallery, the immediate effect of this Activision anthology is to remind you how poo games used to be."

"Every so often she says stuff like 'You'll ruin your eyes' and 'Dad is drunk'."

"See now how we raise our arms in despair, dear."

"Do you remember Kickstart with Peter Purves? It was a TV show which showcased the dirt bike antics of filthy young men."

"The bane of Mr Cheese's social life before he discovered the common, Championship Manager is the undisputed football lover's wolf."

"It's just stats, transfers and tactics from here until Noah stops. And now, he won't ever stop!"

"Mr Biffo was tantalised to note that the homage even stretches to your heavy breathing after 10 blokes shoot at you."

"It wouldn't be fair, though, to pretend that these are more than asthmatic popcorn vendors at the main event: the destruction of men's lives with lasers."

"We can understand how upsetting it is for the Americans not to have any history of their own before about 1976, but we wish they would stop wiping their pallid, streaky jowls over ours."

"It's as simple as a really stupid man."

"Ancient Rome is a perfect scenario for a good sim: pan-continental empire, big fights, authoritarianism and people making themselves sick."

"As you progress, aircraft and boats become available, adding yet more layers to this multi-textured jeremy."

"Whereas janitors may enjoy wandering along corridors you probably won't"

"Doom, Doom, Doom. Sigh. Doomy, Doomy, Doom-Doom-Doomy-Doom. No, we're not singing a new 'ragga' song."

"It's just that some kids are older than others and don't get offended by swear words or scenes of extreme violence."

"Command & Conquer united young and dead alike in passion for its blend of cunning combat strategy and running churchgoers down with big tanks."

"Ah yes - the American Civil War. The Southern states fighting for the right to eat fried chicken without the fear of persecution by liberals."

"You can still only face in one direction, your rider is still afflicted with arthritis..."

"Some 18 years ago, when we first cast our fiery beads over Marubeni's Bugs Bunny licence, we nearly pulled our hoods over our heads."

"Time Gate will, like a gathering of naughty bears, arouse love and punching in equal measure."

"'Look, dad - it's the PlayStation doing an impression of a Konami platformer on the SNES. Do you love me, daddy?'"

"Buy some vodka instead."

"Not appropriate for anyone over the age of 10 - but then neither is burglary!"

"And you can kick urinals off the wall!"

"Power cuts? That'll teach you for living in the late seventies to early eighties."

"We feel slightly better, and often manage to get drunk."

"Which only goes to prove the old saying: 'Pompt de div nation'."

"'Oh oui, du grand foot'!"

"And - ha-ha - the levels are themed around popular movie genres (no, not that sort, Mr Hairs)."

"Pop goes the weasle."

"It really made us laugh - especially Mr Hairs. Knocking young lads off always makes him 'crack up'!"

"Egg-stream spurts"

"You know the Bomberman story by now. If not, well, you're a buzzed-up bundle of K-links. That's a real big insult."

Super Bomberman: "Suits her bum, oh man!"

"But then again, no one listens to the opinions of drunks anyway."

FIFA '96: "Fee Fi Fo '96"

"It's not often a PVC quoit scrapes over an abscess."

"Mandrake Kangaroo"

"When Virgin took us on holiday to LA in 1994, one of the sights to catch our eye was the huge dent we made on the roof of our rental car by driving into a barrier in the Disneyland car park."

"Biffo prefers shooting Craps"

"It's almost illegal! But not in the same way as arson. Or 'clipping'."

"North Atlantic, Far East, Gulf - these are just some of the places we don't want you to visit."

USS Ticonderoga: "USS Smoke-on-the-water"

Aces Of The Deep: "So nearly the title of Mr Biffo's autobiography."

"We are on pills."

"But that cannot be allowed to be true!"

"Das Boot boys"

"Quest For Fame insists on one behaving like a prisoner, but not in the right kind of way."

"The manual asks you to whisk the pick against a tennis racket in true Biffo 'bedroom wristy' style."

"Oh, no - we've found another goitre! Never mind."

"Not unless you are a) Pistol Pete b) an Amiga or c) the Marquis de Sade."

"We were humbled to the state of breakdown. Just like in Hawaii 5-0!"

"Every back-handed lob dips in behind you... steady on, Mr Biffo, we're only talking about tennis!"

"Hmm.. an Amiga game relying on social interaction. And before you ask, your life-sized cut-out of Cat from Red Dwarf doesn't count. Joke!"

"'Super Tennis Champs isn't so bad, if you've got two joysticks and a mate to play with', says Mr Hairs, though he may be a little confused."

"Any game with players named Kras, Buzz and Synex must be congratulated on something."

"'It's also easier with a two button stick', Mr Hairs adds, and you know what? He's right again."

Super Tennis: "Soup or ten years?"

Hi Octane: "High egg stain"

Twisted Metal: "Blistered kettle"

"We expect many of you to be young and therefore stupid"

"Joan Solwell"

"Pinball '95 might seem worthy, but when its charms are held up to its buttocks, a hooter goes off."

"And what in Peter York's name is 'Fast Mode/Safe Mode' supposed to mean? Perhaps we should have asked Mr Biffo."

"Lssssth."

"Not smooth enough, Raymond"

"Shark-shaver's fault"

"Shove your Autoplay, Lech."

"Come on, son. Take off that cyberpunk adventure tabard and let's see you for what you really are: a welcoming hot-roy (a Doom clone)."

"Cybermen: you know, Dr Who."

"An amusing image fills the cover of this game: that of a leering Alan Sugar reflected in the back of a giant spoon. "

"Have you ever been in a lift when hallucinogenic gas is pumped in and the doors open and all these people get in but they look like grey monsters and you're screaming and, and... ?"

"Cohesive narrative? Adhesive narrow-pigs, more like."

Psychic Detective: "Side-kick defective."

"Question: Who says 'Tie my kangaroo down sport - the sport golf'? Answer: Golf Harris."

"Question: What game do bits of bread play? Answer: Loaf (golf)."

PGA '96: "P.G. Wodehouse."

"Firelighter collector"

"Fade To Black picks up the story of Colin Stagg (Conrad Hart), who is once again required to make everything get better by disciplining aliens."

"Why? Simply put, we're drunk."

"Yes: down the pub"

"We don't know why this is only being released here now - maybe the boat with all the games on it got boarded by pirates, and then the pirates got lost."

"Intimate Cornball."

Conqueror AD1086: "Badgame AD1996."

"But that doesn't mean anything!"

"Although we like to pretend the funny world of sitting around rolling 900-sided dice and decorating daft little lead orcs is a closed book to us, Mr Biffo's shamed past just won't shut up."

"But that needn't matter - not today! Today, we embrace a game that manages the impossible: it makes an engine out of rubber"

"The half-pixel option for 486 owners is like having to bathe a tramp."

"Pomp de la pomp de pomp pomp"

"You just can't cope, son"

"Stupid prix"

"Cheryl Baker? No: h-a-r-e. Ha ha ha."

Johnny Bazookatone: "Hasn't he got a funny name, everyone? It's because he's Polish, of course!"

"Johnny Bazookatone doesn't really want to kiss all those new wave, new generation, 32-bit gentlemen. Which is a bit stupid, really."

"As soon as a new one falls into our basket, we whip it out and smash it straight into an easel."

"Soleil-a St Claire"

"Hair-breaky harpoon"

"Johnny Slayer's not special"

"Yes! Or you could listen to Johnny Hates Jazz!"

"Yes. But that's like putting some lipstick on a dead tramp and calling him a supermodel."

"Go away"

"We really hate you, man"

"You've got a great name, man. It's just a shame you're from somewhere called 'Bognor'."

"We wish everything to do with American Football could be stuffed into a picnic egg and be eaten up, but that probably isn't going to happen."

"Miss American Pie (Football)"

"Question: What's the best joke ever? Answer: Gand-eaters!"

"Anne of Great Navals"

"Phone neighbours"

"This isn't Sesame Street, you know."

"Like in that Steve Martin film, 'Faster, Pussycat, Kill! Kill!'."

"Beowulf the book joke"

"Kra-zy horses: wargh, wargh"

"Wife of weed?"

"Damn you alcohol! Damn you and your intoxicating properties!"

"Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies? Sturat N Hardy - he ate all the pies"

"Hockey, hockey, hockey - oui, oui, oui!"

"It's so lovely that we actually cried krill!"

"But that's no crime as evil as, say, using a 'scarface' mask to frighten a hermit - in fact it's probably a good thing. Like giving cash to the hermit!"

"Chop chop - tree now drop!"

Shinobi X: "Shinobi X-cellent joke"

"Every time we receive a new RPG we're sure it'll be the giant strawb that snaps the monkey's back."

Rayman: "Rain man joke"

Rayman: "Hoffman/Cruise joke"

"Some wearily 'zany' cartoon Professor Giggle-Maths teaching kids division by parping a horn whilst the Grammar Cat scratches verb endings on its stomach."

"And if your children's brains are hot and powerful, you can upset them by switching between Mr Kingsley and a strident Bavarian."

"Kokama: by the Beach Boys!"

"But please - please don't upset world opinion or island happiness by making too much of a mess. Or pretending to be the grandson of the bloke who punched Houdini in the stomach."

"One might be good at negotiating with the locals, another at making them worship a plastic model of a skier."

"Mr Cheese is on holiday today, leaving us free to denounce him for the filthy and stupid pig he is."

"The Game at Poo Corner"

"Here is our latest joke: 'Here comes old Wing Arms, again!'. It isn't a joke with a punchline, it is a new sort of joke: the kind of joke that is a pithy comment. In this case it refers to the title of the game Wing Arms, and the humorous possibility that someone with the nickname 'Wing Arms' is approaching."

"Hello, Wing Arms!"

"Regal (Chivas Regal) (whisky)"

"Remember when CD-ROMs first came out? We don't - we were in a Bangkok jail."

"Mr Biffo's Incredible Machines has been delayed pending a court ruling."

"Sim Za-la Bim!"

"And you can play a gorilla if you have the proper code, Mr Simons."

"Chicken in a basket joke "

Earthworm Jim: "Dirthgerm Fin"

"Science is like a lewd furnace: proud."

"If you like dub and are kept awake at night by the thought of Big Brother tying your dog's string to his fascist-mobile's bumper, you might buy this."

"The film licence is a curious thing - it makes one man weep; makes another man sing! Do you see?"

"Not now, Mr Biffo."

"Months on, we still get the odd mealy-faced lament from 3DO owners affronted by a shocking review which damned Need For Speed to death with the fearsome oath 'You just drive about, man'."

"Well, no wonder Mr Biffo stopped seeing him!"

"Nero the Wide."

Secret Of Evermore: "Secret of Barrymore."

"Do the locomotion."

"Not Incredible Space Hulk."

"If M C Escher had been a game designer and not a fart, this is the game he would have designed."

"We remember the game being demonstrated to us a while back, by a little guy who clearly had as little idea as us as to what he was supposed to be doing."

"Not since the Yosser demo on the old BBC has a game been based around headbutting."

"Don't get us wrong - it's a fun game. But so is throwing batteries into a fire. But don't you do that, now."

"We're about as criminal as they come, what with our network of illegal gin houses and knocking shops."

"It would be great if the Devil wasn't the incarnation of ultimate evil and was just some dead goat in a field, because then there wouldn't be any evil in the world anymore. Alas, the Devil exists, and he really is a git."

"Activision is fast becoming the most versatile and prolific Jeremy in the games industry. Following auspicious beginnings as a close friend of the Atari VCS, and then a quiet decade spent barking at pigeons and being drunk on Strongbow in parks, the firm's kicked the booze, washed its gob and put on a decent pair of pants."

"You are a fat idiot, aren't you, son?"

"You'll be laughing on the other side of your gob when someone strangles a tramp with a Nintendo 64 joypad lead."

"We read your letter twice, and both times our brains couldn't be bothered to make sense of it."

"The Brazilian machine was shaped lile a potato and was called Space Device 47."

"But that's like saying that DNA tests have proven Mr. Tickle to be Elvis Presley's son."

"Yes, and you could call them 'The Super Squads'!"

"Well done, best yet!"

"You'll never get in, love. Our bunker is stuffed to the guts with Bisto and orange Fruitangs."

"OK, man! If 'Crump' is really your surname, it is possibly the best surname of all time."

"But that's like saying James Cameron will be arrested if new evidence was suddenly discovered to the effect that the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg and sink, and in fact made it to New York as planned with everyone onboard alive."

"Perhaps you could develop a game wherein a couple of naked dead guys drive a car."

"M1 Tank Platoon isn't particularly pretty, but neither are tramps, and you can have all sorts of fun with those guys!"

"Same as God has no control over illegal cock fighting arenas."

"Yes! The Man's Daddy is a funny guy!"

"We do this because we hate you."

"Incredibly, not a single one of them is an onion salesman. 'Les pompt de onion le sales de non! Pompt de free!' they kindly told us."

"Together the pair take on the red menace of a cybernetically-resurrected Chairman Mao, who plans to spread his evil Communist doctrine throughout the free world by infecting us all with a Communist Nano Virus."

"Hardy, we're amazed that you seem to have an opinion on everything; even things that you don't understand."

"Nintendo just rang to tell us it is going to kill you for saying that."

"How do you manage to make such astonishingly wrong-headed comments every single week, Hardy?"

"The only reason we publish your letter here is that we initially thought you'd written 'Stereotypical Salamanders'."

"One time we drew a rude picture in a notebook on the Sega PR man's desk when he wasn't looking."

"That's fine talk coming from Satan."

"Don't be stupid, man - we're the most important thing on television."

"But it sounds like rubbish."

"We all bow down to the twin gods of Chris Morris and Victor Lewis-Smith, man."

"Don't be coming round here with your dull-speak, man."

"...curiously, the hand held web browser only comes with a grainy monochrome screen. That's no good is it, lads? Eh, lads? Eh, eh? Lads?"

"Merci le zuttie pompt-froong!"

"Where Nintendo and Sega fought a clean fight, Atari's sly attempts to knock them out with a dead ram backfired, and the firm ended up eating the ram."

"You're the biggest monkey in town, Morris - you're Morris The Monkey."

"Because they hate you."

"Yes. We're just like Star Trek. May The Force be with you!"

"That's like telling David Beckham to French kiss a monk."

"You're probably better off with the devil you know. Unless that devil really is The Devil, and he wants to marry you; that would be an awful thing to happen to you, or anyone else."

"Unlike our own dear Mr. Udders, who has many friends he has to 'blow up'."

"But we still think Sega should have called it Super Toy 47."

"No: spend your money on gin. Enjoy..."

"Don't call us puerile, man. Sophistication is in the eye of the beholder. Poo poo, wee wee, etc."

"Not nude pictures, if that's what you're getting at."

"Unfortunately the reports of hardcore nudity are unconfirmed."

"No. We came straight to Digitiser from the drying-out clinic."

"Oooh, a female that's slightly off-centre and obsessed with snakes. Would you like to have dinner with us?"

"You don't know how lucky you are, you pigs."

"We think all the 'chicks' you mention should feature in the film. And in one scene - an action scene - they should meet and throw water and feathers at one another. While running. To music."

"But we only get letters from morons."

"If 'Fluid' was a person, his name would be 'Valentine du Pont', and he would drive around in a car shaped like an amethyst, and eat quail's eggs and peacock feathers for breakfast."

"We haven't seen the ads, since we had TV priveleges removed following an ill-placed chant about Marxism."

"Alas, as happens all too often with experiments, the monkey dies and the laboratory walls get covered in slime."

"We once knew a woman with Wild Arms - 'Old Wild Arms' we called her, though 'Old Stink-breath With An Ugly Face And Thick Copious Body Hair And A Big Fat Backside' would've suited her just as well. We would watch for hours as this peculiar creature stood in the middle of the estate, flailing her arms around her head like some sub-human dynamo."

"First-person and third-person combat with trolls and demons nestles comfortably beside the usual adventure nonsense like a hedghog in bed with a peach."

"We enjoyed it. But then we enjoy smashing plant pots with sticks."

"We wouldn't call £30 extortionate. But think of the amount of gin you could buy with that."

"The racing genre is like a freak show: you're always promised new and wonderful experiences, but when you pull back the tent flap all that's in there are a couple of hens up a pipe."

"Rollcage is no hen-pipe: it's a genuine freak. A 'monkey-hen', if you will."

"Zmbr Drrvv srrzzz shrtt thrrr frrgg rrrpp."

Zombie Dave: "Hrrr shrrrd drrrctt prrrnrr mrrrvrrz."

"You know you want it, you filthy boy."

"We're so excellent!"

"Or if your family are all drunk, you could log on to the Net and play with a family of real Nicaraguans."

"Knocking a board over is a lot more satisfying than hitting your PC with a shoe."

"Even so... pigs are good. Correction: pigs are excellent."

"Batman rocks!"

"Hello, I'm Stevie Wonder. I just called to say I love YOU!"

"It's a fairly safe bet that you don't play games because a Mafia hitman has threatened to assasinate your family if you ever stop."

Snake1: "Umm-baba. Umm baba is nada goodie"

Snake 2: "Hello, dad!"

"ET gets naked!"

"Bang! Wheeeee! Click-click... click."

"From a distance, monkeys are excellent: they look like little humans, going about their business doing funny stuff. But when you get up close to the monkeys, they're even more excellent!"

"Perhaps they're all out looking at those porn files. To see if... any of them... have used their... things. Etc."

"...Nnng... nnng... poo... poohead."

"What are you talking about?"

Grant Mitchell: "I, Mitchell Of Pub, declare my intentions of hate towards thee."

Mark Fowler: "I, Fowler Of Market, deny thy wrath, rascal."

"QUESTION: Do you want a new coat for Christmas, love? YES: 241 NO: 77"

"Apparently the next Indiana Jones film is going to be called 'Excellent Jones'."

"We're out of things to say now. We'll fill the remaining line or so with this suggested marketing slogan for grape salesmen: 'They're Grrrape (great)!' "

"And the language teaching facility allows plenty of scope for abuse: 'Tree', 'Ball', 'Git'!"

"Naturally, the battle to grab the publishing rights to the first games based upon rubbishy-named The Phantom Menace has been as visceral and bloodthirsty as a fight between D. Vader and a man with a sackful of bricks."

"You can smoke fags while playing games at home."

Zombie Dave: "Rrrr drrrnnlrrdd rrrdd prrrcttrzzz"

"It's 'Bully's Special Prize'!"

"We like 'PlayStation: ORBISON'."

"If the firm chooses not to go down this path, then it truly is 'insane in the membrane'."

"But then, we once bet £5 that Elvis was hiding in a bush, and it turned out to be a dead tramp."

"At least it didn't make us 'rally cross' (really cross)."

Zombie Dave on alt.digitiser: "Rrrzz fffrrl rrrff ffrrggrzz."

"So many racing games crawl, spider-like, across our bulging brains, that they tend to blur into one gelatinous mass which vaguely resembles a big, grey pudding."

The Digi subs strike again! This is how the above quote was originally intended to be viewed (thanks to Mr Biffo for pointing it out)...

"So many racing games crawl, spider-like, across our quivering lips, that they tend to blur into one gelatinous mass which vaguely resembles a big, grey pudding."

"Can you imagine how absurd it'd be if footballers invented their own slang?

Q: 'How did you play today, Alan?'

A: 'The conditions were totally minky, Brian, but we did real clarky.'"

"Don't knock the Soviet Union: if Alexy Pajitnov hadn't been a starving, vodka-soaked beetroot farmer he'd have never had the incentive to program Tetris. PLEASE NOTE: It is unknown whether Alexy Pajitnov was a starving, vodka-soaked beetroot farmer."

"Go and get your hair done - you'll feel much better about the world if you have a perm."

"If Superbike were a person, he'd be a 60-year-old charmer sipping on a glass of champers, twirling his 'tache and purring at the 'luvvly laydeez'."

"It's a nice enough game, and that, but it's time that the charmer died."

"Did you know we'd say that?"

"It truly is a most excellent game."

"In an interesting coda to this story, Mr Biffo subsequently beat the sales assistant to death with his shoe for his ill-mannered pre-emptive insolence."

"But don't you hit people with your shoe."

"You're definitely getting better, Hardy. In fact: 'Kiss me (us), Hardy!'"

On the number of American football games: "We should get our own back by sending them some fox hunting games."

"Sadly, the game is about as fast as a choking duck."

"Rather like a deranged combat veteran with a bullet lodged in his brain causing him to imagine spectral cockroaches crawling across his skin, wherever we turn these days we seem haunted by snowboarding games."

"...this is a game that will appeal to only the most patient player. Or those with reactions dulled by way of a bullet lodged in their brain."

"We stopped buying games mags when it got to a stage where we felt it neccessary to buy nudey magazines to hide them behind."

"Yes. Country House was a really excellent song."

"Yes, you're all right: it would be sad. But it was also sad when Atlantis sunk, and who misses that now?"

"Sweeping generalisations are great!"

"We're too ill-informed to make any sort of rational judgement either way."

"Except they were easier to break."

"We sort of know what you're saying. It's something about stuff, right?"

"Don't ask us: we're full of gin."

"Oh, man - that sounds like a job for Knight Rider!"

"If George Lucas were a lolly, he'd be the best lolly of all time. We'd want to keep him in the fridge and never eat him - not ever. Not even if we were really thirsty and there was a drought and a cat burglar had stolen all our drinks and the lolly was the only thing in the house. No way."

"You see, George Lucas is a 'King Cone'."

"Running Wild is a racing game, but it's a racing game with a difference - somewhat akin to sucking water through a pair of ladies' tights."

"It's an unoriginal game masquerading as something original and new. Like a brown sauce bottle full of Evian."

"Apologies: we're rambling on account of being poisoned. That's the last time we give a tramp love bites."

"You know: like the man who thought it'd be a good idea to hollow out oven chips and fill them with peas. Him so funnee!"

"It sounds rubbish, but it isn't. In fact it's as mad and as great as going to a disco dressed as a brigand."

"Stupid-name, you have messed-up."

"And for your information we're not Communists: we're Cybermen."

Extract from Ring-Sir!, 3/4/99: "US: ...your TV show, Are You Being Served? is very popular in my country. John Inman is a big star. 'I'm freeee, Mrs Pussy!' Ha ha ha!"

"It needn't be said non-fans will enjoy it about as much as they'd enjoy drinking a glass of damp sand."

"...we live in a nation of football obsessives, who'd buy freeze-dried horse retinas if there was a picture of Terry Venables on the box."

"It was about as appropraite as calling The X-Files 'Nude Mountaineering Hour'."

"Truth be told, the setting of Fallout is about as original as a new baked flour-based snack called 'Yread'."

"The more you think about it, the more stupid it becomes. It's like when you start to think about noses. Once you look at your nose in a mirror, it suddenly looks ridiculous and out of place on your face. Then start looking at other people. The more you look, the more their noses become absurd. It works for eyebrows as well."

"Save your money for something more worthwhile - gin!"

"Give us gritty contemporary stories about a man called Dave, any day. Dave lives in a council flat with a dog called Gripper, and likes nothing better than a pint down the Nag's Head and a flutter on the donkeys."

"Oh no! Your wife has been kidnapped by the evil Lord Silver, who wants to 'marry' all the non-males in the land."

"If you want to get back at them you should just go and throw red paint at their offices, man. Except: don't."

"The Emperor's new clothes? The Emperor's matching peep-hole bra and panty set, more like!"

"That's nothing, man: we once saw a ghost. No wait - it was a donkey."

The Hulk Vs Superman: "If they were to have a fight, it'd probably be more likely that Superman had laughed at the Hulk's haircut."

The French Beatles: "Ahh, bonjour! Jai Paul de pomp-de-pomp, c'est Ringo pomp-de-pomp-pomp avec magic sack. Hahahah!"

"Non, non, c'est Paul de pomp-pomp-de-pomp avec magic sack. Mon dieu!"

"Right now the last thing Sega needs is having to replace several thousand games, while simultaneously rubbing 'skank custard' into the face of it's dwindling customer base."

"We don't know what's more frightening: that you're paraphrasing Star Trek lines at us, or that we recognise them."

"We really hope that Nostradamus is right and that the Apocalypse is due to occur in July. If so, we'd rather not live through it if it's all the same. By all accounts the future is going to be a load of rubbish."

"Know you this: we're too stupid/drunk to answer such a big question."

"We're not saying Sega is stupid (except: we are)."

"Konami's Metal Gear Solid is the best selling game to date, with 220,000 copies falling into the trembling, chocolate-stained hands of UK PlayStation owners."

"Listen up: we have run out of patience with games that stink out our kitchen."

"Perhaps they'll 'hoe' us down. Oh-ho!"

"And anyway, those farm robots didn't scare us, man."

"If KKND Krossfire were a horse, it would've been smeared across the backs of envelopes long before now."

On the naming of games chain Game: "It must've taken weeks of careful deliberation and market research to devise a brand name which so accurately informs the consumer of the store's stock. Alternatives, discarded by Game at the 11th hour, included: Games; Shop; Computer Games; Computer Game; Computer And Video Game; Computer And Video Games Shop; Computer And Video Game Shop; Thornton's; Senor Lopez's History Of Erotica Wax Museum; Billy's Shop."

Future sport: "Uh... what about some sort of game where players have to kick hard boiled eggs at a target? Yes that would be most excellent!"

"...but we think we'll stick with our eggs/target game: Super-do 47."

"For anyone below the age of 25, Daley Thompson was at one time the greatest living athelete in the world, able to leap small buildings in a single bound, and probably smash brick walls down with his bare fists. Mr Biffo thinks he once saw him in a park. But it might've been John Conteh."

"Waiter, my flies are undone!"

"Is that French or something - you know, like FIFA stands for 'Le Frenchie Ist Frenchie Ar-ee Ar-ee-Orr', or something?"

"...but who wants to control a snowboarder which resembles the deranged etchings of a cabin-fevered cartographer?"

"Also: what is Big Air? Is it some sort of reference to flatulence, or trapped wind? Or is it just some meaningless phrase dreamed up by the spin-doctors of youth in a half-cocked attempt at grasping the zeitgeist? Yes."

"Don't worry: like Carmageddon before it, you'll be able to download a 'gore and swears' patch from the Internet, thus making a mockery of our inconsistent censorship laws. Yesss!"

"Facial hair is great."

Sega's DC launch bungling: "Picture a newly-crowned king greeting people, and saying 'Hello. I am the best king ever' - as his trousers and pants keep falling down."

"Especially when you realise that the geography bears about as much resemblance to the real London as it does to a couple of nests up a flue."

"But you've got to wonder if there's something wrong with us (that's 'us' collectively as a society, not 'us' singularly as gin-soaked, stretch-marked hacks)."

"What are you talking about?"

Geri Halliwell in a Spice Girls game after leaving them: "But gamers were indeed treated to the final, posthumous performance by the hoarse, clod-hopping, chicken-in-a-basket council estate mother-style pop star."

"Actua Ice 2's gameplay straddles the 'simulation' and 'arcade' donkeys with effortless grace, like a wayward ballerina let loose in a knackers yard with a bottle of hallucinogens."

"Like some aged lounge lizard, puffing away on an expensive cigarillo, Actua Ice Hockey 2 is polished, witty and charming, but you wouldn't necessarily want to kiss it on the mouth."

Zombie Dave on Lara Croft: "Thrrdz thrr brrrd wrrz thrr tttrrrdz."

"He's a sort of Tony The Tiger on steroids. Where Tony would say: 'Hello, son, would you like to taste my delicious breakfast cereal', T'Ai says: 'Hello, skank, I'm going to hit you really hard and break your face.'"

"So, the scrolling beat 'em up. Isn't that something of a dead genre? You know, like the 'honkey tonk mother strut 'em down' genre."

Zombie Dave: "Lrrrg rrrr grrrrv rrr shrrrrrrd."

"It sort of looks quite nice, with some bold visuals, but to the untrained eye so do bonfires, and you don't want to go putting your hair in there now."

"We're too full of cakes to make any sort of qualified statement today. We really like cakes."

Zombie Dave: "Wrrrrd rrr lrrrd rrrf frrrgn crrrr."

Zombie Dave: "Thrrrd grrrvz mrr rrrn rrrrrrrkshn."

"Agreed: Star Wars Lego is possibly the best thing ever."

"You know you're getting old when you start to question why Spider-Man doesn't just shut up and get on with apprehending the Green Goblin, instead of jumping around and cracking jokes. And why doesn't he ever call the police? Spider-Man is an idiot."

"MvSF features a different roster of combatants, which includes the likes of Spider-Man, Captain America, Captain Orange County, The Hulk, Captain Tri-State Area, The X-Men's Wolverine, Cyclops and Doctor Froth, and Captain Carnaby Street."

"Like our own evolution, which saw man split into two distinct lines - the excellent homo sapiens and the rubbish homo erectus (Ha ha! What's the matter, tree-man? Too stupid and ugly to get your opposable thumb to work?) - the FPS genre has been cleft in twain."

"It is unknown whether the monkeys are 'cheeky'."

"Old people are funny."

"The Hulk in a cape is an excellent thought. We'd also like to see Superman in nothing but torn purple underpants."

Sony's dominance and complacency: "It's a bit of a tortoise and hare situation, except in this instance the hare is so busy turning around to swear and laugh at the tortoise, that it runs the risk of getting run over by a big lorryload of drunk, joy-riding geese."

"We really wish animals could drive cars. There's probably nothing funnier than watching a monkey or a dachsund reversing into a parking space. We don't know why this would be funny, but it is: there's something inside all of us that finds anthropomorphism excellent. Who hasn't watched the PG Tips adverts and laughed until they bruised their throats?"

"Hooray for capitalism!"

"Are you, in fact, a 'crazy damn person' if you think that way?"

Zombie Dave on Star Wars: "Drrrd Vrrrgrrrr rrrz rrrr wurrngrrr."

"Jiminey Cricket is an idiot."

"Our inability to understand sport has been well documented in the past, but confronted with cricket, our brains shut down completely. Perhaps this is because our brains comprehend cricket as a stupid, pointless thing."

"And once this trend really picks up steam, it will be like trying to stop the moon with a pair of ladies' tights."

"A Dreamcast Seaman bundle is on the way, which comes with the game, a microphone headset, and a limited edition see-through console, which Sega describes as 'jewellery white'."

"Barring the name, and a title page image, this has about as much to do with Miss Kournikova as it does with Taggart."

"She probably feels bad that we won World War II and the 1966 World Cup."

On The Phantom Menace game being released before the film: "It has no doubt tainted our eventual viewing with the stench of pickled eggs and dog mess."

Gossi The Dog: "My, what a lot of things have happened while Gossi was among the shoes."

"According to Sega, two players can join in the game, with one player steering, and the other 'honking the horn'."

"Collecting magic masks is the order of the day - masks which endow Link with the power of attorney!"

"The fundamental badness remains... like a dead mole in a packet of crisps."

"We don't want to gloat (except, we do)."

"PS2 faults are said to include broken disc trays and wonky joypads. And - on one made-up occasion - half a pigeon was found in the expansion slot."

"Half-Life 2 is likely to focus on the adventures of Gordon Freeman, as he embarks on an ill-advised nude boating holiday in Wales."

"More moments when you will literally pop out of your trousers (with fright)."

Ring Of Red: "Is everyone as puerile as us, or are we the only ones sniggering?"

"Ninjas are idiots."

"Chewbacca? He's basically Lassie with a gun. And he's an idiot."

"Also, the trash compactor sequence in Star Wars was stolen from that bit in Trainspotting where Ben Kenobi falls down a toilet."

"It showed how scared Nintendo was of it's rivals. The firm came across like some schoolyard youth insisting to a gang of Nike-wearing toughs that he had a pair of really expensive trainers at home, when in reality all he owned was a pair of soft-boys' sandals."

"That's what they said about the Six Million Dollar Man, and where the hell is he now?"

Sony's robot dog: "It shouldn't have been a robot anything. It should've been a monkey - a real monkey - in a box."

"This is because rich people deserve to be humiliated."

"We're really glad we're not pirates. With all the scurvy and rats and stuff, we bet going to sea in those big boats was about as rubbish as it gets."

"Hopefully, the PlayStation 2 will provide the catalyst for developers to stop acting like stupid lazy idiots."

"Descent 3, as with it's predecessors, is the most tunnel-y of all games. It truly is a 'tunnel fun-all'!"

"Everything has a future, man - even dead guys get to rot in Hell."

"Zombies are rubbish, really. As scary as it is that they're reanimated, these flesh-eating corpses mostly stumble about like aimless drunks at closing time."

"We've always had our doubts about board games getting made into computer games. It seems to us a wholly wrong thing to do, like taking a gazelle out of the wilderness and forcing it to live in a pond in someone's back garden."

"The gazelle wouldn't enjoy it much, and you'd probably feel a gnawing sense of guilt as you watched the gazelle making a futile attempt at settling in."

"Hasbro's Upwords is the worst sort of gazelle (board game conversion): the sort that isn't even aware it's living in a pond (computer)."

"For instance; if he has spelt out 'dog', you might put a 'c' over his 'd' to make 'cog'. If he has made 'hiss' you could add your 'p' to make 'hisp'."

"No, really: it's a lot more exciting than it sounds. Except, of course, that it isn't. Hisp."

N64 Quake 2: "The gameplay lacks any sort of subtlety, coming across as the digital equivalent of an anachronistic heavy metal band, who release a single called 'It's Cool To Defy Your Parents'."

"...it's unlikely Nintendo will drop it now. But then, that's what they said about Airwolf."

Zombie Dave: "Srrrrd yrrrrrr hrrrrd rrrd, twrrrdz."

"What can we mean by all this seemingly pointless rambling? Like the day we told a policeman that 'Brown sky equals doc' trip' - we just don't know."

"Yes: we're so rubbish."

"Monkeys are funny!"

"Planet Of The Apes? There were no laughs in that. Want to know why? Because THEY WEREN'T REAL APES, damn them. DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL!"

"SHUT UP! All of you. Now!"

"Why are you so insecure? Anyone would think we'd dissed your girlfriend... Oh, now we understand!"

"Did you wet the bed?"

"Rubbish. The sweary, violent Kingpin is about as mature as your average swearing baby."

"What's approximately five inches long, light brown, and has a slot in the top? A shrew, of course (the slot is the shrew's mouth)!"

"Japanese punters will buy any old rubbish."

News that the makers of Pot Noodle are to release a "spider glove" cover for computer mice: "We've not made any of this up."

"The Mac is lovely, admittedly, but it isn't worth our while reviewing games for it, man. We'd rather spend those extra hours swigging gin in the park."

"Evil is cool: why else would Darth Maul feature on so much Star Wars Episode One merchandising? Unfortunately, evil is also bad, which is why most of us wouldn't slap a nun, no matter how much we may want to."

"No one knows what Q*Bert was supposed to be - not even his creators. But we think he was probably just a little orange guy."

"Now here comes the 'but', as the streaker said to the policeman."

"Shut up, fascist."

"Other games magazines may pretend to be hip, but we don't mind admitting that our own Mr Biffo is now so old and out of touch that he wears an Elizabethan ruff when he goes to the pub, in an attempt to woo ladies."

"Growing up is awful, kids."

Secret Lemonade Drinker: "Moc-moc-a-moc! Ich liebe dich, lemonaden."

"IT'S ABRAHAM LINCOLN!: 'Shalom.'"

"Mind you, we can't get into our local Electronics Boutique because we've been barred for lowering the tone."

Original, unedited version of the above: "Mind you, we can't get into our local Electronics Boutique because we've been barred for waving a broken bottle at the manager's wife."

"...for all it's component parts, the finished product fails to gel. You know: a bit like if Frankenstein made his monster out of sausage meat, chewing gum and pork ribs."

"The sooner people get over the fact that there's nothing wrong with earning money, the sooner we'll all become fat capitalist pigs."

"...but heck, piracy is great. No wait - not that sort of piracy, man. Oh no!"

"It's difficult to believe, but once upon a time Sega was the biggest fish in the pond, able to draw the likes of Right Said Fred and Tucker Jenkins to it's game launches."

"But who buys a game for the three-minute intro sequence? Big idiots with ugly faces, that's who."

"Unfortunately, where GoldenEye was all loveliness and excellence, Mission: Impossible was dog sick and pig phlegm."

"Our own Mr Biffo has felt the bitter sting of being picked last for games at school, and then being laughed at by the PE teacher because he fell over a bin. But he got his revenge, oh yes. He revenged that ginger pig up good..."

"The public are all idiots. They'll happily swallow whatever filth is spoon-fed into their mouths."

Zombie Dave on Sega: "Srrrgrrr rrrz prrblrrr brrrrgrrrrrrd."

Zombie Dave on Namco's games for the DC: "Lrrrg thrrrrdrrl frrrrgn hrrrlp."

"At least with the old table-top RPGs you could throw Wotsits at the other players if things got bad."

Zombie Dave on games corportations: "Crrrprrtrrrrlrrrrsd frrrrgwrdz."

Zombie Dave on their plans: "Mrrrr frrrrrrgn mrrrnrrr frrr thrrrm."

"Don't you ever make us do that again."

"And on a few occasions we were impressed enough to gurgle like a stupid baby."

"No we don't. We give love a bad name, which is why we've been banned from the local singles club."

"It's potentially more fun than body-popping."

"A shambolic embarrasment that would've been outshone by the frantic scrawlings of a hepped-up five-year old."

Zombie Dave: "Drrrnt frrrgrrd thrr rrdrrrlt chrrnlz."

"Once, right, we saw this dog walk backwards into a tree. Ha ha! The end."

Zombie Dave: "Yrrr. Vvrrrrr frrrgn rrrndrrrssstrng."

Poirot: "Hello. I am Poirot. Le pompt de pompt le solve de crime!"

"We approached Premier League Stars like weary warriors returning from the crusades having slaughtered one too many heathen."

"Rumour has it that Electronic Arts had to build a new annexe on it's house just to store the profits from it's FIFA Soccer franchise. Also, the money is said to be guarded by a mutated albino narwhale called 'KRON-877'."

Zombie Dave on Seaman: "Mrr mrrrthr rrrz frrl rrrf thrrt."

"Or maybe that's just a load of stupid lies dreamed up by drunkards."

"But you can't drive your PC to the pub or off-licence, man."

"Alternatively, they could just get a load of Dreamcast balloons and let them 'razz off' in Bill Clinton's face on live TV."

"It's a bit like a Three Stooges movie. But with four stooges."

Zombie Dave on the 'Net: "Rrr rrntrnrt rrz rnlrr grrd frr prrn."

On the problems of the European DC network: "Ich liebe dich! Zut alors! Le pompt-de-pompt!"

"For instance, would digestive biscuits sell better if they were known as 'DY-G3Z-TV BZ-KITS'? Probably only to robots."

"Also, 'Wip3out' roughly reads as 'whip three out.' We think we understand..."

"You know: it's all puffy jacket and no pants."

"While it's not as exciting as, say, a big buzzer and some flashing lights, Sony is certain that this feature will revolutionise the games industry."

"It boasts analogue buttons, meaning that the harder you press the faster you will go. Oh man!"

EX3: The Street Fighter: "...all mainstays of the Street Fighter series, including Ryu, Chun-Li, Blanka, Johnny Whistles, Cockle and Awsome 47."

"The publication rated 2,151 firms on their size, earnings capability, growth potential, and how sexy their CEO is in a damp T-shirt."

"Not that it means anything significant. We just needed to fill up the page."

"Actually, now that we're adults, that isn't funny at all. It's just spiteful. Well, maybe it is a bit funny."

"It's like asking: 'Do clouds make people want to eat more biscuits?' Maybe they do, maybe they don't - nobody knows that for certain."

"It's real bad that you liked Bros so much, man. Big Fun and The Reynolds Girls could kick their butts."

"Previously, Sega's Seaman was considered too strange for Westerners, but Sega clearly thinks that it's Seaman is good enough to put a smile on everyone's face."

"(Incidentally, if any developers are interested in offering him work, our own Mr Biffo has a vast action figure collection, will work for peanuts, and rewards benevolent employers with unspecified 'extras'.)"

Zombie Dave on a "gift": "Rrr grrrrft rrrf rr prrrrl nrrrrglrrs."

"This is Tetris at it's purest and therefore it makes us smile like artisans on absinthe."

"Trying to improve upon it by making it 'round' or 'wordy' was akin to using a purple felt-tip pen to write swear-words on Shakespeare's original manuscript of The Tempest."

"Hey - it's not all bad, man. At least we're not drunk today!"

"Mario Golf isn't the 'pipe of cuss' you might expect it to be. In fact: 'He got good golf'."

"However, we've yet to play the sort of golf game we really want to play, namely one in which you get to drive around the course in those little carts, and aim your golf balls at the faces of groundsmen for extra points. The name of this game? Ultra Golf 47!"

"However, with Mario currently entrenched in something of a 'Fat Elvis' period, relying on his name alone to draw the crowds, the scope is there for a new Donkey Kong game to clean up."

"The blame partially resides with Sierra's decision to reorganise itself into three seperate divisions, possibly known as George, Ringo and Melly."

"M. Mouse, D. Duck and G. Oofy join together to get drunk and throw bricks at each other."

"...and a lisping sap called 'Murray'."

"We'd like to say yes, but we don't even know what women are."

"Artist's impression of Peter Main as he may have appeared: PETER MAIN: 'Peter loves you!'"

Nintendo's Peter Main at a press conference: "...answered some tough questions following the presentation - some of them possibly asked by naked mutants!"

"Current stock is either being removed from shelves, labelled as non-Sony authorised, or guarded by a stork called Lilith Pear, who bites the hands of anyone who looks as if they might be interested in the £65 console."

"Children: this isn't a trick we suggest you emulate at home. Unless, like, you really feel like it."

"Because what if you were the real James Bond? We wouldn't want to be the ones to 'blow your cover'."

"It's a piece of gaming history that you can carry in your pocket without having to eviscerate Shigeru Miyamoto's torso."

After being accused of bias against Sony, Sega AND Nintendo: "Hooray!"

"Sony is reportedly courting the likes of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to embrace the new technology - though personally, we think it's a really rubbish idea."

"A must-buy for your 'pocket chum'."

"It's the first threat to the Game Boy's handheld monopoly since the Game Gear and Lynx coughed their faces off."

"Ross, you're always hanging around our letters pages. Haven't you got something better to do?"

"Electronics Boutique - the games chain with a name like a perfume shop for effeminate robots..."

"That's the sort of name for a game which makes us laugh. See: ha ha... ha-ha!"

"Yes the game vibrates, but so does our washing machine, and you don't see us giving that 90%+. The bonus here, we suppose, is that you can hold it against someone's face while you're on a bus to give them a 'start'. But we don't really want to do that."

"The best quote ever" - Biffo; from Shigeru Miyamoto: "I know about Seaman and I know about Cabbage. Since Cabbage has been delayed it might have been a good idea for Mr Saito to have released Seaman on the Nintendo 64."

"Hey - you could stand this in a cardboard box and make your own arcade for gerbils!"

"Because we're lazy drunkards, we can't really be bothered to investigate the history of handheld gaming."

"'Wife'? 'Birth'? You, 'Hussey', are obsessed with marital relations."

Zombie Dave on his millennium plans: "Rrm hrvrng srcks frr thrr Mrrlrrnrm."

Re: fudger@york: "We can't do that, man, though your name makes us wonder how nice a fudge-filled Yorkie bar would be. Mmmm. They ought to make those."

"You know: right round like a record, baby."

"At every turn the Saturn was punched in the neck by the PlayStation, until there was nothing left to punch."

"As history starkly records, Sega's Saturn failed to produce any Sonic games until late in it's life, when they pulsed out of it's mouth in the form of a stinking, yellow froth."

"Every new games system needs it's mascot: the Nintendo machines had Mario, the PlayStation had Jonathan Brazil The Funkster, and the 3DO had Marcel du Cluck-Ckuck-Cluck III."

"And we all know what happened with that, fatty."

Re: Kenneth Manson: "Don't get too wound-up, Charlie-boy."

"Back in 1987 Nintendo had begun it's jackbooted domination of America, with its games führer Mario leading the charge on his NES."

"Hydro Thunder will cause your jaw to hang open like a leech's suck-wound."

"But wait. Like a bunch of drunks in charge of a time machine - we're getting ahead of ourselves."

"Sega was determined that it's next hardware release would be a fresh start for the company, thus re-establishing it as a giant 'space raven' feeding upon the atomic heart of the games market."

"The Dreamcast - an initially rubbish name, which like Salvador Plankton, get's better the more you hear it."

"Put yourself in SNK's position: this isn't so much a David v Goliath situation, as akin to attempting to destroy a planet with a digeridoo and a couple of conkers."

"It's impact on penny arcades akin to Adam taking the apple from the Garden Of Eden, and using it to make cider, and then getting drunk and trying to impress Eve with a grotesque display of 'dirty dancing'."

"What do you mean by that exactly? Mr Biffo's eyes have lit up..."

"'If music be the food of love, let's eat it,' the Bee Gees once sang with their hideous, prominent teeth gnashing away at thin air."

Zombie Dave on the 'land on your own moon' song by that putrid girl from the PS ad: "Rrrrl mrrrrn mrrrr rrrrz rrrt hrrrr."

Zombie Dave on a neighbour: "Mrrr nrrrbrrr rrrz rrr prrzz rrtrrzd."

Re: "bigal": "You ought to change your screen name, man, or you're going to start getting unwanted attention in chat rooms. It can be read two ways, you know."

"Don't cuss our heritage, man."

"Wait up: those guys aren't Germans!"

"Yes, but learning to use the PC is like trying to learn to ride a horse which has broken knees."

Zombie Dave: "Shrrv rrt rrrp yrrrrr chrrrrrf."

Zombie Dave on "fish": "Frrshrr lrrrg rrr smrrrlrr frrnnrr."

Skateboarders: "They also grow 'half-beards' which have no moustache, and say stupid things like 'Gnarly, dude' and 'Ollie blunt!' Skateboarders are idiots."

"That's the best song ever!": "I like Digitiser/I read it every day/I'm sure it makes me wise/I know it makes me gay (happy)."

"Waiting seems like a stupid thing to do. It's cutting off your nose to spite your face, and then eating the nose."

Zombie Dave on the French: "Thrrr frrrgz crrrn frrrrg rrrt rrrf."

Zombie Dave on the colour of his "controller": "Mrrrrr crrrnttrrrlrrr rrrz prrrrprrl."

Rayman 2: "Le pompt de dompt de do. De dompt dompt la dompt? Non! Le aw-hee-aw-hee-awww. Oui! Le aw-hee trompt-da-bon-bon!"

"Oui! Je nais pompt de dompt!"

"Except you can't fiddle with the drivers."

"Average graphics and dodgy handling make Jack a sad boy."

"Also: pictures of naked priests!"

Lara Croft: "What has she got going for her? A pair of shorts, expanded chest, and a couple of pistols. She may be cool, but she's about as charismatic as smallpox."

"This time last year, the botched Japanese launch of the Dreamcast seemed to be the final nail in Sega's idiocy coffin. This time two months ago, with the delay to the European Dreamcast launch, it looked as if that coffin had been exhumed and dumped in the sea."

"We really wish we'd seen that, but at the time we were busy being gagged and violated by armed intruders."

"S. Twain is an anagram of W. Stain."

"No. Apparently we're biased against everyone and every game we do/don't express an opinion on."

Zombie Dave: "Mrrr grrrn hrrrz rrr smrrlrr frrnrrr."

"We're excellent!"

"In the words of the traditional festive ballad: 'Christine is coming, and she's goosing her own fat'. We don't know what that means, but we do know that Santa is filling his sack, and preparing to empty it's contents down your chimney."

"There is, quite literally, something for everyone. Yes: even social deviants!"