Mrt T: Stay away from my bins!

Ever since his cartoon series in the mid Eighties Mr T has championed the cause of The Kids. Coming from a rough background himself, he felt that he had to use his position as a popular jewellery-clad, mohicaned "baaadass" to help his semi-formed fans be all they could be. He did this by kicking seven bells out of The Bad Guys and the drug dealers during the show, and at the end telling the kids to "stay in school" and "don't do drugs". However, since the axing of both his cartoon and The A-Team, coupled with the fact that his film career took a severe nose-dive after Rocky III, he's been struggling to find a platform from which to dispense his excellent, worthy advice. Somehow he found Digi, and after helping out Morse & Lewis, he's found his stage once more and has picked up right where he left off:

Mr T (Digitiser)

Hello, boys and girls. Mr T here again with some more cool safety advice on how to use scissors:

  • * Don't run with scissors
  • * Ask a grown-up to help
  • * Don't EVER use MY scissors

Follow the Mr T code when playing with fireworks:

  • * Ensure parental supervision
  • * Keep at least 25ft away
  • * Never put fireworks in your pocket
  • * DON'T throw fireworks at MR T

Snow and ice can be lots of fun, but there are hidden dangers:

  • * Don't eat the yellow snow
  • * Don't throw snow at kids' eyes
  • * Don't play on frozen lakes
  • * Don't EVER make fun of Mr T AGAIN

Study hard and you'll go far. Here's Mr T's guide to revision:

  • * Don't work too hard
  • * Don't get too stressed
  • * Don't forget to get lots of sleep
  • * DON'T play near my BINS

Going swimming? Follow the Mr T code of conduct:

  • * Don't run
  • * Don't drown other kids
  • * Don't wear gang colours
  • * Don't act the fool

Your body is a great thing to waste. Keep fit the Mr T way:

  • * Kick boxing
  • * Other types of boxing
  • * Appearing in Rocky films

Cookery isn't just for girls - boys can get a kick out of making cakes too. But remember:

  • * Always get an adult to help
  • * Be careful with knives
  • * Don't eat poisoned food
  • * DON'T make a MESS of Mr T's KITCHEN

There are lots of fun places you can visit, such as museums and zoos, but stay away from these places:

  • * Opium dens
  • * Rough-looking bars
  • * Mr T's bins and garage

This summer I'm planning to have an extension fitted on the back of my house. If you're ever near a building site remember:

  • * Don't climb the scaffolding
  • * Don't provoke the builders
  • * Don't steal anything
  • * DON'T put STUFF in Mr T's SKIP

Everyone enjoys watching TV, but remember these important rules:

  • * Don't watch too much TV
  • * Don't break the TV
  • * Don't watch after the 9pm watershed
  • * DON'T change the CHANNEL when Mr T is WATCHING Drop The Dead DONKEY

Old people get intimidated when they see you kids hanging around outside their sheltered housing. Try these alternative hang-outs:

  • * Church
  • * The library
  • * After-school clubs
  • * Anywhere, basically, as far away as possible from my bins and garage

Remember to take care when fishing near a riverbank, kids:

  • * Don't fish near strong currents
  • * Don't eat the raw fish
  • * DON'T steal Mr T's BAIT

Alcohol may look like fun, kids, but it isn't. Just remember:

  • * It rots the liver
  • * It makes you drunk
  • * It STAYS in Mr T's drinks CABINET

Clothing can say a lot about a person, so always watch what you wear. Just remember:

  • * Don't wear offensive T-shirts
  • * Don't show too much skin
  • * Don't BORROW Mr T's sleeveless DENIM jerkin WITHOUT asking

Hey, kids. When going on a long car journey, remember the rules:

  • * DON'T annoy mom and dad
  • * DO take car-sickness tablets
  • * DON'T throw THINGS into Mr T's VAN if he HAPPENS to drive PAST

When choosing your further education, consider the following advice:

  • * Think about what you're good at
  • * Think about what job you want
  • * DON'T think about FILLING Mr T's front garden with traffic cones, JUST because it's STUDENT rag week

When visiting the cinema, always respect the other patrons:

  • * Don't switch on your mobile phone
  • * Don't talk during the picture
  • * Don't make smelly noises
  • * DON'T go letting BALLOONS off UNDER Mr T's SEAT

You know, everyone has feelings:

  • * Take time to compliment friends
  • * Respect other people's wishes
  • * Remember that when Mr T says: "KEEP AWAY FROM MY BINS" - he really means it this time

Kids, thinking of holding your own garage sale? Follow Mr T's guide:

  • * Don't sell anything illegal
  • * Treat customers with respect
  • * DON'T root around BEFOREHAND in MY bins LOOKING for MY JUNK to sell

Happy New Year to boys and girls around the world! Here are Mr T's suggested resolutions:

  • * Treat old folks with respect
  • * Maintain a healthy diet
  • * Keep your SORRY butt OUT of my BINS

Here are my hopes for the coming century:

  • * An end to world hunger
  • * An end to war and aggression
  • * An end to those KIDS from off the ESTATE putting dog DIRT up the exhaust of Mr T's VAN

Here are my suggestions for how we can all get along in 2000:

  • * Abolish nuclear weapons
  • * A single global government
  • * Parents of those kids off the ESTATE stop coming OVER to have a go at Mr T for YELLING at their brats


Follow a strict exercise regime to keep yourself fit for Y2K:

  • * Walk - not drive - to work/school
  • * Work out with weights and sit-ups
  • * Keep fatty foods to a minimum
  • * Claiming you are KEEPING fit by LEAP-FROGGING Mr T's BINS is not an acceptable exercise regime

    Mr T (Digitiser)

Christmas can be a stressful time of year, but follow the Mr T guide to getting it right and keeping your cool:

  • * Instead of fussing over a turkey, why not try an easy-cook alternative, such as bread, lollies, microwave dinners, or Pot Noodles?
  • * Stuck for a gift to give the person who has everything? Infect them with a rare tropical disease! They'll be sure to appreciate the conversational options it gives them.
  • * Stuck for a fun party game to play? Why not try "Confuse Your Grandparents" - a game the whole family can enjoy. Just take it in turns to spin around, while barking, without informing elderly relatives why! Ever.
  • * Upset by the dull selection of presents you received? Express your disappointment by crushing the gifts in front of your family.

When skiing in, or around, the city of Prague, remember:

  • * DO NOT drive at ONCOMING cars
  • * DO maintain THE condition of SKIS
  • * DO NOT make MR T eat DIRTY snow

Here's some advice for mothers:

  • * ALWAYS keep your young CHILD within SIGHT
  • * If your CHILD is SPITTING at MR T, ENSURE that you tell it TO stop

When at the seaside, remember:

  • * OBSERVE sea swimming FLAGS
  • * Do not sunbathe FOR too LONG
  • * DO NOT RUB sand in MR T's head

When parking your car on a hill, always remember:

  • * To APPLY your HANDbrake
    * Point the front WHEELS inwards
    * DO NOT park OVER Mr T's DRIVE

When sunbathing, remember:

  • * APPLY proper SUNSCREEN
    * DO not stay OUT FOR too LONG
    * Do NOT dig A HOLE and COVER it with a TOWEL so that MR T falls into it

When buying new clothes:

  • * Try them ON before YOU buy
    * Ensure THE shop will GIVE you A CASH REFUND if you NEED to return ANYTHING
    * Don't POINT and LAUGH if YOU see Mr T buying a SPORTS bra

Hello, first-time homebuyers! Here are Mr T’s tips on buying your first home:

  • * Seek a reliable financial adviser.
  • * Don’t buy the first house you see.
  • * Make sure you get a decent survey.
  • * If YOU move in next to MR T, don’t THINK you can START your STUPID firework DISPLAYS at MIDNIGHT.

Calling all unemployed people! Here are Mr T’s tips for coping with depression:

  • * List all the good stuff in your life.
  • * Remember that jobs are for suckers.
  • * Discuss treatment with your doctor.
  • * Don’t TRY and cheer YOURSELF up by hiding BEHIND Mr T’s bins, and then CACKLING at him when he COMES home.

Cookery can be a lot of fun for both boys and girls. But bear in mind this handy advice:

  • * Get a grown-up to help you.
  • * Start off with a few simple recipes.
  • * DON'T make APPLE PIES and then PUSH them THROUGH Mr T's LETTERBOX.

Hello, everyone. Mr T here with some top postage tips!

  • * Ensure items are packaged carefull!
  • * Don't forget to include a return address.
  • * Don't sign UP Mr T for THINGS he doesn't WANT, such as THE Lakeland catalogue.
  • * Mr T WON'T ever READ the Lakeland CATALOGUE.

What will life be like in the 21st century? Here's my view:

  • * Flying cars.
  • * Computer-controlled houses.
  • * Dustmen come INTO your GARDEN to collect your BINS so you DON'T have to leave them OUT where kids can use them as GOALS and kick them OVER.

Remember the swimming pool rules:

  • * No running.
  • * No diving in the shallow end.
  • * No SPRAYING Mr T with SILLY String.

Here's Mr T's essential to guide to visiting the carpet shop:

  • * Remember your room's colour scheme.
  • * Treat the staff with courtesy.
  • * Don't FLING a sample of CARPET at Mr T like it's SOME square FRISBEE.

When at a soccer game, take extra care not to:

  • * Become embroiled in a riot.
  • * Throw things onto the pitch.
  • * Compose a CHANT about Mr T being MARRIED to a farmyard ANIMAL.

When playing balls games in the street near Mr T's house, do not:

  • * Play after 8pm.
  • * Use Mr T's lounge window as a goal.
  • * Go ANYWHERE near my BINS.

When skating on frozen ponds, remember:

  • * DON'T act dangerously.
    * DO behave responsibly.
    * DON'T throw SNOW at MR T.

When driving on the motorway:

  • * OBSERVE the speed limit.
    * Do NOT reverse.
    * DON'T throw BANGERS at Mr T's CAR.

When speaking German, remember:

  • * Ich bin EIN Berliner.
    * Das MILCH ist ein HUND.

When attending a performance by Hootie & The Blowfish:

  • * DON'T heckle THE support ACT.
    * ONLY applaud BETWEEN songs.
    * Do NOT throw TALC at MR T.

Here's some advice for mothers:

  • * ALWAYS keep your young CHILD within SIGHT.
    * WATCH your CHILD's WEIGHT.
    * If your CHILD IS SPITTING at MR T, ENSURE that you tell it TO stop.

Hello boys and girls. Here are Mr T's tips on getting through your exams with the minimum of stress:

  • * Maintain a sensible revision plan
    * Don't revise too much
    * Turn up to the exam in good time
    * Don't DRAW pictures of MR T's butt on your EXAM paper, with the words "THE STINKIEST CHEEKS" underneath

Hello boys and girls. Mr T cannot stress the importance of a proper diet. Here are my tips:

  • * Don't add extra salt to your food
    * Eat plenty of fruit and vegetables
    * Boiling is better than frying
    * Don't THROW handfuls of VITAMINS at MR T if you SEE him in a HEALTH shop

Hello everyone. The great outdoors can be a lot of fun. But always remember the following rules:

  • * Don't start fires
    * Don't scare cows
    * Don't make cows fall over
    * Don't CHASE cows towards MR T's tent WHILE Mr T is SLEEPING inside

Hello again. With the weather improving, we all like to mess around on boats. Remember these rules:

  • * Don't mess about too much
    * Always wear a life jacket
    * Don't fire a gun at the hull
    * Don't THROW Mr T's spare CONTACT lenses OVERBOARD

Hello children. Before we know it Easter will be here, and there are a few safety tips you should learn:

  • * Don't accept eggs from strangers
    * Don't eat too many eggs at once
    * Don't spoil the day by having fights
    * Don't THINK you can fill MR T's bin UP with your deflated FOOTBALLS

Mr T's Problem Page

Mr T (Digitiser)

  • Dear Mr T, My husband is an avid potholer, but I'm worried he might get killed. I've tried talking to him about it, but he doesn't want to hear my concerns. What should I do? Rita Cluck

      MR T SAYS: You need to teach your HUSBAND a lesson by pushing HIM down a drain, and then PUTTING cellophane over the DRAIN so he can't GET out.

  • Dear Mr T, I'm a 48-year-old dockworker, but recently I've begun to think that I could've done more with my life. Are these fears grounded in any sort of reality? Zephiniah Truck

      MR T SAYS: You need to look on the positive side. The world will always need dockers... so long as you DON'T all start COMING round my STREET and shouting STUFF and BEING drunk.

  • Dear Mr T: It's my ambition to be an airline steward but my friends make fun of me. Should I pursue my ambition in one of the most effeminate of all jobs? Gideon Fenceter

      MR T SAYS: Do what your heart tells you to do, Gideon. But be warned - if you ever see Mr T on one of your flights, DON'T try to OPEN his hand LUGGAGE.

  • Dear Mr T: It's my ambition to be a ballerina, but my parents think it might hurt my toes. What Should I do? D'Arcy D'art

      MR T SAYS: Talk it through with your parents, and reassure them. However, if you ever ACHIEVE your ambition, and PUT on a SHOW at the THEATRE, and see Mr T in the CROWD, don't START spitting at him, and THROWING CURSES.

  • Dear Mr T, I've been thinking about ditching my car to help save the environment. What's your advice? Micky Phhhrrrrrz

      MR T SAYS: Well done for putting the planet before yourself, Micky. However, if you decide to use a bicycle instead, don't even think about chaining it to Mr T's fence.

  • Dear Mr T, I'm a submarine commander, and sometimes when I dive my ears pop. Can you help? Commander Collis

      MR T SAYS: I don't know much about submarines, Commander, but if Mr T ever finds you GOING through his bins AT ANY TIME, Mr T will be out HIS backdoor and ON you in a SECOND with a WRENCH.

  • Dear Mr T, My husband collects model trains, but he seems to spend more time with his trains than he does with me. We've only been married for five years. What should I do? Mrs Beverley Train

      MR T SAYS: Your husband is being selfish by putting his trains first. However, rest assured that if I EVER catch him OUTSIDE my HOUSE, about to THROW eggs AT my WINDOW, he's done FOR.

  • Dear Mr T, My wife and I have been married for 14 years, but recently the spark has seemed to have gone out of our relationship. Can you suggest something to help? J.B. Spoon, esq.

      MR T SAYS: You need to find time for each other, maybe over a candlelit dinner. However, I won't be so FORTHCOMING with ADVICE, if I ever CATCH YOU stealing from MY garage.

  • Dear Mr T, My boyfriend and I want to get engaged, but our parents think we're too young. Should we elope to Gretna Green and get married on the quiet? Hannah Sizterz (16)

      MR T SAYS: You've got your whole life ahead of you. It would be a mistake to settle down so soon. Also, if I SEE you and your BOYFRIEND behind my HOUSE, writing on MY BINS with your PENS, I'll smack YOU one. STAY AWAY FROM MY BINS.

  • Dear Mr T, I found an original Soda Stream machine dating back to the mid-1970s in my shed. How much money is it likely to be worth today? Izzy F.

      MR T SAYS: It very much depends on the condition of the Soda Stream, Izzy. However, if I EVER come down IN THE middle OF the night, and FIND you in my KITCHEN, using it to CARBONATE my iced tea OR my GAZPACHO, I shan't HESITATE to contact the AUTHORITIES.

  • Dear Mr T, I've been having terrifying dreams about my farm catching fire? Am I going mad? F.Giles

      MR T SAYS: Don't worry, Mr Giles - we all have strange dreams. Sometimes I dream that I'm on an aeroplane , and... and it suddenly LOSES power, and I'm THROWN OUT of the WINDOW, and I fall... to EARTH... and... IT ALL GOES BLACK. I AIN'T GETTING ON NO PLANE, GILES.

  • Dear Mr T, I have a small dog called Fluffs, and last weekend he bit my niece. Now my sister says she won't talk to me until I have Fluffs put down. This is tearing my family apart. What should I do? Janine Lello

      MR T SAYS: Here's Mr T's advice, Janine. If I EVER see you, or YOUR dog, behind my HOUSE, using my BINS as a toilet, I can't GUARUNTEE I'll be as LENIENT as your SISTER.

  • Dear Mr T, My boyfriend is obsessed with football. The only time he pays me any attention is on Sunday morning - when he isn't watching or playing football. What can I do? Jemima Flllrr

      MR T SAYS: I don't know a great deal about relationships, Jemima, but you BETTER not ever TRY to get into MY lock-up ROUND the back of KWIKSAVE.

  • Dear Mr T, I get paid monthly, but within 10 days of being paid the money has run out. It's not even like I spend it on bills, as I still live with my parents. What shall I do? J Fizz

      MR T SAYS: Try rationing your money to a set amount every day, and put the rest aside for a rainy day. However, DON'T even think OF spending ANY of your MONEY on ALCOPOPS, and coming down MY street at 2AM singing LEWD songs.

  • Dear Mr T, I'm training to become a primary school teacher, but I've suddenly lost all confidence in my ability to do a good job. Can you give any advice? Felicity Privet

      MR T SAYS: Always have faith in yourself, Felicity. However, DON'T ever THINK about teaching ANY children to PLAY near Mr T's UTILITY shed.

  • Dear Mr T, I'm a 32-year-old fitness fanatic, and there's a girl at my local gym who I really like. I'm currently single. Should I ask her out? R.Jelly

      MR T SAYS: She can only say no, Mr Jelly. Besides, the more time you SPEND with HER, the LESS time you'll HAVE to hang AROUND my BACK gate, looking AS if you're ABOUT to dump SOMETHING illegal in my BINS.

  • Dear Mr T, I've recently taken to staying up late at night talking on Internet chat rooms in the hope of meeting a lady. Is this a healthy way to spend 90% of my life? Yul Himmler

      MR T SAYS: The radiation emmissions from your monitor could harm your eyes, Mr Himmler. Worse still, you could get into a HEAP of TROUBLE if I EVER catch you PUSHING litter and ANIMAL dirt THROUGH my letter box.

  • Dear Mr T, I'm 27, but I still live with my parents. My friends have all moved out, but I don't feel ready to live on my own yet. Is there something wrong with me? Guy Friendly

      MR T SAYS: Don't feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do. For example, if your FRIENDS are HANGING around outside Mr T's HOUSE, and are ENCOURAGING you to kick over his bins, JUST SAY NO.

  • Dear Mr T, I'm due to start a new job next week, but I've started worrying that I've made a mistake. Is it too late to back out and go back to my old job? Stu Garvey

      MR T SAYS: It's natural to feel that way when taking on a new challenge, Stu. However, if you're going to WORK for the COUNCIL, you can TELL THEM that they STILL haven't fixed that STREETLIGHT outside Mr T's HOUSE.

  • Dear Mr T, my friends all make fun of me because I like Kula Shaker. They're all into stuff like Britney and Five. Tell me - am I old beyond my years? Leanne Billycan (12)

      MR T SAYS: Don't let anyone tell you what to like, Leanne. You're your own person, and that's that. However, don't let me LOOK out of my living room WINDOW, and see YOU sitting on my WALL playing your AWFUL music too damn LOUD.

    Mr T (Digitiser)

  • Dear Mr T, I work in a famous brewery, and I'm concerned that some of my colleagues are siphoning beer from the vats for their own purposes. Should I tell my boss? Xerxes Xerox

      MR T SAYS: If you do, you may get a reputation as a grass. Sooner or later your friends will get caught. However, if they get DRUNK and rowdy ANYWHERE near Mr T's HOUSE I'll whack THEM one.

  • Dear Mr T, My husband is a successful golfer, but he's recently become an ego maniac and talks about nothing but himself. What can I do to make him interested in me again? Mrs Dave Golf

      MR T SAYS: Your husband is being selfish, but his selfishness stems from his own insecurity. I've SENT you some LEAFLETS on INSECURITY and GOLF which may HELP your husband's PROBLEM.

  • Dear Mr T, My husband is-a crazy! He say 'I no want to eat-a peanut', then he go and eat peanut! But he-a allergic to the peanut! Him-a swell up like blimp again! Ha ha! Oh no! Mrs Swish

      MR T SAYS: Your husband's allergy is quite common, Mrs Swish, but if he continues to eat peanuts in spite of his condition, I suggest you both read my leaflets on PEANUTS and HUSBANDS.

  • Dear Mr T, I recently discovered that my husband was fired from his job six weeks ago, and has been spending his days pretending to got to work, while sitting in the park drunk. How can I get him to come round? Mrs F.Lolly

      MR T SAYS: Help him look for a new job and restore his self-esteem. In the meantime, I've sent you some leaflets on PARKS and OTHER PLACES.

  • Dear Mr T, I recently met a lovely girl, and we started dating. Now we want to live together, but she wants her dog to live with us too. However, I am allergic to dogs. How can I break this news to her? J Sawnose

      MR T SAYS: Perhaps you could buy an outside kennel for the DOG, which the dog IS sure to LOVE. Meanwhile, I've sent you some leaflets on LOVELY GIRLS.

  • Dear Mr T, I run a small business, but profits have been low this year, and I'm struggling to pay my income tax. What should I do? Donald Shop

      MR T SAYS: Your accountant may be able to ask the Inland Revenue to give you time to pay. However, every day that ticks by sees the interest rise. I've sent you some pamphlets on SMALL things and DINGOS. Hopefully they should help.

  • Dear Mr T, I've recently been talking to a man I met on the Internet, and he wants us to meet. I'm sure he's nice. What should I do? Ivana Biscuit

      MR T SAYS: I'm sure he is nice, but don't take needless risks. Arrange to meet in a public place, and bring a friend with you. Take a look at the leaflets I've sent you, dealing with MURDERERS, PSYCHOPATHS and PEOPLE who've been ATTACKED by INTERNET users.

  • Dear Mr T, my husband insists I give up work and look after the house. Though he earns more than me, I enjoy my independence. How can I possibly make him see sense? Kath Eeen

      MR T SAYS: If money isn't the issue, then your wages could be used to employ a maid. In the meantime, read my leaflets on the POSSIBLE pitfalls of SPENDING your WAGES on EXPERIMENTAL BLACK MARKET brain MEDICINES.

  • Dear Mr T, my wife is trying to get me to give up plans to invent a new type of vacuum cleaner that both sucks and washes. She claims I've wasted too much money on my project already. Am I really living in a dream world? F.Poff

      MR T SAYS: Not at all. Why not apply for a government grant for your inventing? In the meantime, take a look at my leaflets explaining how to PROJECT yourself INTO SMALL SPACE.

  • Dear Mr T, I live in a top floor flat, and the council have warned me that my dog, Vernon, may have to be taken away because it's cruel to make him do his business on the balcony. What sort of rights do I have in this matter? Joan Jett

      MR T SAYS: Prove to the council that Vernon is getting plenty of exercise, and they may change their mind. I've sent you some leaflets explaining how BLOCKS of FLATS are CONSTRUCTED.

  • Dear Mr T, I recently noticed a rash running from my right wrist, along my arm, and up my back. I work in a fruit juice pressing plant. Could I be allergic to the chemicals? Johnny Orange

      MR T SAYS: It's possible, Mr Orange. Visit your doctor and ask him to test your toxicity levels. In the meantime, take a look at the leaflet I'm sending you: How To BE More ASSERTIVE At THE JUICE Pressing PLANT.

  • Dear Mr T, I recently visited my bank manager to get a loan to open a chain of stores selling Elizabethan-style ruffs. The manager refused the loan, even though I wanted to call my stores Ruff Trade. Where can I secure alternative funding? Don Johnson

      MR T SAYS: Independent venture capitalist organisations often invest in untried schemes. In the meantime, read my leaflet on PARACHUTE RASH.

  • Dear Mr T, while I'm at school, I think my dad keeps coming into my room and remixing my record collection. I've asked him to stop, but he just denies it. I know it's him, because he has his own set of decks. DJ Spoony

      MR T SAYS: Short of putting a lock on your door, there isn't much you can do, so I've sent YOU some LEAFLETS on BECOMING a BLACKSMITH.

  • Dear Mr T, I was recently cautioned by the police for writing a rude word on a park bench. I leave school next year. Will the caution affect my career opportunities? Duncan Donuss

      MR T SAYS: Providing you don't escalate your activities to include arson or murder, the caution won't affect your job prospects. In the meantime, I've sent you a leaflet on ack-ack guns.

  • Dear Mr T, I've recently been having sleepless nights as a result of terrible nightmares. My husband says it'll pass but I'm worried that I'm going insane. Am I? Sheila Bruce

      MR T SAYS: Nightmares can be triggered from all sorts of stimuli, from strange foods to stress. If your lifestyle has recently changed, that could be the cause. In the meantime, READ my LEAFLET on INSANE medieval KNIGHTS.

  • Dear Mr T, I've recently come into a large sum of money. I fear that my family will want me to share it with them, but I don't want to. Do they have any legal claim to any of my wealth? D.Fresh

      MR T SAYS: None, providing you don't include them in your will. Indicate your beneficiaries clearly, and they won't be entitled to a penny. In the MEANTIME, have a READ of my LEAFLET on genetically ENGINEERED s-hares.

  • Dear Mr T, my mobile home was recently besieged by Mexican bandits, and though nothing was stolen, my kitchen was vandalised. Unfortunately, I'm not insured, and can't afford to pay for the damage. What can I do? Mrs F.Yentil

      MR T SAYS: I'm afraid this is a perfect example of why we should all keep up to date with our insurance payments. It's not MUCH consolation, Mrs Y, but have a read of MY leaflet ABOUT skin grafts.

  • Dear Mr T, I've fallen in love with Radiohead singer Thom Yorke. He's so profound that I know we're made each other. Thing is, I can't make my parents understand how I feel. They think I'm being daft. Lucy Goose (14)

      MR T SAYS: There's a difference between a schoolgirl crush and true love, Lucy. Reading my LEAFLETS on the EARLY 1980s new WAVE of prog ROCK bands, such as It Bites, and IQ, SHOULD help.

  • Dear Mr T, I'm only 12, but I'm already the tallest girl in my school. The other kids all call me 'high tower', and laugh at me? Can I have surgery to shorten my height? Shania Train

      MR T SAYS: Surgery is a long and painful process, and your friends will catch up eventually. Meanwhile, you'd BETTER hope you're NOT that TALL girl I CAUGHT stealing MY apples last WEEK.

  • Dear Mr T, I got drunk at the work Christmas party, and snogged my boss. I'm due to go back into work next week, but I'm too embarassed. Also, I'm married. Help! Rolf Cash

      MR T SAYS: Take your boss to one side and explain your situation. Also, if you WORK in the NEASDEN branch of TSB, please stop PHONING ME UP, trying to GET Mr T to take ANOTHER loan.

  • Dear Mr T, I forgot to buy my husband anything for Christmas, and now he says he wants a divorce. I love him loads; I'm just really stupid. What should I do to save my marriage? Mary Quint

      MR T SAYS: Treat your husband to a special apology, including all the presents you meant to buy him. However, if you STEAL those PRESENTS out of MR T's BINS, I'll get YOU real GOOD.

  • Dear Mr T, I got drunk at my work Christmas party, and pinched my boss' bottom. Now he won't leave me alone, and keeps pestering me me for dates. I am married with children. Charles Wilson

      MR T SAYS: Have a friendly word with your both, telling him you're not interested. Also, if I EVER walk PAST where you WORK, and YOU THROW a PORK PIE at ME, I WON'T hesitate to ATTACK.

  • Dear Mr T, I own a successful ostrich farm. Unfortunately, I've just met a wonderful man, but he's allergic to flightless birds. He says it's him or the farm. Please help. Sheila Birdoch

      MR T SAYS: Get him to speak to a doctor about ostrich allergy innoculations. In the meantime, take a read of my LEAFLETS about OTHER flightless BIRDS, such as BIG BIRD from Sesame Street.

  • Dear Mr T, I accidentally washed my husband's grandfather's watch down the toilet and he's threatening to leave me. What should I do? Gloria Barkuss

      MR T SAYS: First, examine your pipes for evidence of the watch. Second, tell your husband it was ann accident. Third, if YOU ever DO something LIKE THAT to my WATCH, I'LL FLUSH you away, STUPID.

  • Dear Mr T, I'm 26 years old and have yearnings to go into acting. However, my boyfriend tells me to grow up, and not be stupid. Who should I believe: him or my heart? Sophie Eggov

      MR T SAYS: Your boyfriend is not your boss, but remember that acting is a tough profession. Why not mull it over, while sipping a Mr T Non-Alcoholic, A-Team Cocktail (tm)? They're just £2.99!

  • Dear Mr T, I'm 15, but my parents won't let me stay out beyond 10pm. All my friends can stay out until midnight. What can I do? Joseph Spalin

      MR T SAYS: Your parents are within their rights to set whatever curfew they see fit. Also, you can TELL your FRIENDS that if it WAS them ringing my DOORBELL at MIDNIGHT last Tuesday, I'm going TO find them, and smack THEM up.

  • Dear Mr T, I've been out of work for over a year,and despite my best attempts, I am unable to find work. What should I do? Jobless O'Brien

      MR T SAYS: Ask at your Job Centre about any employment initiatives or schemes. Also, practice your interview technique whenever possible. Finally, don't EVEN think about COMING round my HOUSE, and STEALING from my FRIDGE, you DOSSER.

  • Dear Mr T, I'm a small Mexican lady, and when I wear my sombrero I practically disappear inside it. All my friends call me 'Hat-Mos', and I find it very distressing. Help! H Ernandez

      MR T SAYS: You need to have a smaller sombrero made to fit your head. Look in the Yellow Pages for a reliable milliner. In the meantime, listen to my advice line, Better Sombrero Wearing.

  • Dear Mr T, I recently recovered from reconstructive surgery on my knee, following a terrible bike crash. How long should I leave it before I can engage in sports again? Jay Nee

      MR T SAYS: It varies from case to case. Your doctor will be able to advise you best. However, when your KNEE is fully HEALED, don't get any big IDEAS, about coming round MY house, and kicking my BINS over, at 1am in THE morning.

  • Dear Mr T, at the age of 27, I'm still living with my parents. My friends all have flats of their own, and when girls find out, they don't want to know me. Unfortunately, I'm too scared to move out. Please help me. Rodney Rusk

      MR T SAYS: I don't know anything about that, but I do know that SOMEBODY kicked a FOOTBALL through my PORCH window last NIGHT, and IF I find OUT it was YOU, I'll be TELLING your parents.

    "Mr T wants you all to stay in school and do well in your exams. Remember: Skool is Kool"

    "Remember, kids: Mr T wants each and every one of you to have lots of fun. But that fun comes at a price, especially if I ever catch any of you near my garage again."

    "Mr T doesn't want to sound like a killjoy. There are many, many ways to enjoy yourself without getting into trouble. There are parks and fields where you can kick a ball. If I ever have to come out there once more and tell you kids to stop using my garage and bins as a goal, I'm gonna rip you all a new larynx."

    "Mr T has to go away soon, kids. Make sure you keep out of trouble while I'm gone. And stay away from my bins."

    "Hey, kids! Mr T here again with some more advice for living a healthy and successful life. Follow my plan and you too can be just like me - Mr T! I'm too cool to be true!"

    "Hey, kids! I hope you're all looking forward to your summer vacation. But before then you've got a lot of studying to get done. Mr T didn't get where he is today by skipping class. That game is for saps!"

    "Kids, I'm a great music fan. Rap music can be lots of fun, but buy yourself a pair of headphones and that way you can enjoy the music without annoying anyone else. Specifically Mr T."

    "Hello, kids. Mr T here again with some more advice to keep you healthy, wealthy and wise. Don't be no fool: just act cool!"

    After a request for a REVEAL-O of his bins: "Sorry, kids, but I won't permit the release of such information. If you know what my bins look like, it'd be like moths to a flame. I've got enough trouble already with those damn kids from the estate."

    "Hello! Mr T would love to stick around, but it looks like some kids are thinking about playing street soccer near my bins, and I pity the fool who plays soccer near my bins, and knocks them over again."

    "At last - that crazy damn Daddy Cool has gone. He's more of a fool than my old A-Team comrade 'Howling Mad' Murdock. I really do pity the fool."

    "If you're thinking of coming to Mr T's house for Christmas, please do NOT put YOUR leftovers in THE wrong BIN. Organic WASTE goes in the black bin ONLY."

    "Mr T here. Sorry I've been away, but some kids knocked over my bins, and I've been too consumed with rage."

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    Mr T meets The Snakes (Digitiser)

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    MR T: Remember, kids - the kitchen is a great place to... Oh, man... it's Murdock...

    MURDOCK: Hey, Mr T! Whoop-whoop! I want some trash bags!

    MR T: Murdock, you crazy damn fool. I told you never to come round here no more.

    MURDOCK: Whoop! Bark! Woof! But I had to, Mr T. The council have evicted me. I'm homeless!

    MR T: I'm sorry you're homeless, Murdock, but with the kids hanging round my bins, I have a lot to deal with right now. I don't need no crazy fool living here.

    MURDOCK: Sob! I knew you hated me! Sob!

    MR T: Tell you what, though, man. I got some suicide pills left over from my days in 'Nam. You can have those!

    MURDOCK: I love you, Mr T! Woof! Whee!

    You can see more, exclusive, T-speak at Biffo's lovely Digi-inspired site, Love it up good, you tart.

    Am I The King Of The Crazy Damn Fools? Did I leave out something so important that you just have to let me know? Well, go on and mail it ( to me then! Idiot.