Digi "blew" the "lid" off of George Lucas' secrecy "box" by revealing extracts of the script of the first long-awaited Star Wars prequel. It appears that Lucas was going for that sort of "rubbish soap opera" feel, much like Crossraods and "the other one". This change in style may worry some, but it has resulted in an equally as fascinating piece as if he had continued with the epic space opera with cod-religious overtones theme.
EXT. JABBA'S PALACE. DAY
JABBA: Hello, Yoda.
YODA: Hello, dude. Everything alright?
JABBA: No. I've sprained my wrist.
YODA: Aw no! How'd that happen?
JABBA: Han Solo did it.
INT. DEATH STAR. DAY
EMPEROR: I think I'm getting a cold. I've got that really yucky feeling at the back of my throat.
DARTH VADER JNR: Mmm? What's that?
EMPEROR: I wish you'd listen. I said I think I'm getting a cold.
DARTH VADER JNR: Oh, God. I'll probably be the next one to get it.
INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
DARTH VADER JNR: Will you train me to be a Jedi, please?
BEN KENOBI: Sssh! I'm trying to watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Now look - I've missed the answer.
DARTH VADER JNR: I'm going to turn to The Dark Side now.
BEN KENOBI: You're not changing the channel, you little idiot.
INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
YODA: Ben... Ben!
BEN KENOBI: Wha? Whassa?
YODA: It's me - Yoda.
BEN KENOBI: What are you doing in there, Yoda? That's my laundry basket.
YODA: I got drunk, and I... I... I don't remember how I got in here.
INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
YODA: Ben, wake up!
BEN KENOBI: What? Who? Yoda!
YODA: Something terrible has happened.
BEN KENOBI: Hmmm... I thought I felt a disturbance in The Force.
YODA: No, that was me. I wet the bed.
BEN KENOBI: Oh, man! That's the last time I let you sleep in here with me.
INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
BEN KENOBI: What have you got there, Yoda?
YODA: It's called a Soda Stream. It makes fizzy drinks. Watch what happens when I put this nozzle up my nose, and press the button.
SOUND FX: (AN EXPLOSION)
BEN: ... Yoda...? Master Yoda? Oh, man! I'm gonna get into real big trouble with Mace Windu for this.
INT. TATOOINE SCHOOL. DAY
DARTH VADER JR: You guys are such saps. I'm going to hang around with the bad boys.
BEN KENOBI: Oh, Darth - you don't want to do that, man.
YODA: I've seen those bad boys smoking space cigarettes.
DARTH VADER JR: Yeah. They're cool.
BEN KENOBI: You're making a big mistake, Darth.
INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
BEN KENOBI: If we put the drinks over there, and the food on the trestle, we can...
YODA: Wait a minute, Ben - do you have permission for this party?
DR WHO (ENTERING): Party? What party might this be, boys?
BEN: Oh, er, hello, Dad! Um... no party. Er... so, are you all packed for your holiday to Vulcan?
EXT. TATOOINE HIGH SCHOOL. DAY
DARTH VADER JNR: Are you guys sure we should be breaking into the boiler room like this? We're supposed to be having double maths.
BEN KENOBI: Sssh! Mr Jabba The Hutt The Caretaker will hear us.
YODA: I sense a great disturbance in The Force.
DARTH VADER JNR: I've just wet myself.
YODA: That'll be it then.
INT. SPACE CANTINA. NIGHT
DARTH VADER JNR: I don't think we're old enough to be in here.
BEN KENOBI: Shut up, man, and if anyone asks, you're 21. Now sssh!
BARMAN: I hope you wiped your feet before you came in.
DARTH VADER JNR: Er... I didn't.
BARMAN: Then get out. We don't serve your kind in here.
EXT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
DARTH VADER JNR: Tonight I'm gonna head over to the old lightsabre warehouse and tag it.
BEN KENOBI: What do you mean?
DARTH VADER JNR: Tag it. You know: spray my name on the side.
YODA: But that's grafitti. Vandalism.
DARTH VADER JNR: So?
BEN KENOBI: It's against the law, man.
INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
DARTH VADER JNR: I had a really weird dream last night. I had this black helmet on, and I was breathing funny. Also, I kept going on about feeling my son's presence.
BEN KENOBI: Er...
DARTH VADER JNR: What?
YODA: Great anger I sense within you.
DARTH VADER JNR: Yoda, I wish you'd stop stroking my face like that.
INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
DARTH VADER JNR: Look - I've pinched my dad's credit card.
BEN KENOBI: What are you going to do with that?
DARTH VADER JNR: I'm going to ring up Space QVC and order myself one of those big black capes.
BEN KENOBI: You're making a big mistake, Darth.
DARTH VADER JNR: Shut up, "Benny".
INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
DARTH VADER JNR: Look at me, man: I'm space body-popping!
BEN KENOBI: Stop it, Darth. You're going to break something, and my dad will get mad.
YODA (ENTERING): Gah... ah... help me! My eyes - they burn!
BEN KENOBI: What happened?
YODA: I was pretending to be a dog in the yard, and I got sand in them.
EXT. JABBA'S PALACE. DAY
BEN KENOBI: Are you guys sure we should be up here?
DARTH VADER JNR: Sssh! Someone will hear us. Now watch - I'm going to break one of old man Jabba's windows.
YODA: Don't, Darth! Let's just paint swears on his door and get out of here.
JABBA THE HUTT: What are you kids doing round by my bins?
BEN KENOBI: Run for it!
EXT. DAGOBAH. DAY
BEN KENOBI: Hey, Darth - my mum and dad have bought me a puppy. I call him Chewbacca!
CHEWBACCA: Woof! Bark!
DARTH VADER JNR: I hate him already! Give him here.
BEN KENOBI: Oh, man! Why did you throw my puppy in the swamp, Darth? Sometimes I think you're messed up in the head.
DARTH VADER JNR: Stupid "Benny".
EXT. DAGOBAH. DAY
BEN KENOBI: When I grow up I want to own a chain of fishmongers. I'll probably call them "Kenobi's Plaice".
YODA: I want to be a falconer.
DARTH VADER JNR: When I grow up I want to be an evil murderer, who crushes throats with a flick of his fingers.
BEN KENOBI: Darth, why do you always have to say stuff like that?
YODA: Ignore him, Ben. He's just trying to show off - as usual.
EXT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. NIGHT
DARTH VADER JNR: Are you ready to come out, Ben?
BEN: I can't, mate. Mum's grounded me for accidentally breaking her favourite vase with The Force.
DARTH VADER JNR: You ought to show me how to use The Force, man.
BEN: I don't know, Darth. You'd probably use it to lift up girls' skirts and stuff.
DARTH VADER JNR: Yes.
EXT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. NIGHT
DARTH VADER JNR: Pssst! Ben! It's me!
BEN: What are you doing on my extension roof, Darth? If my dad catches you...
DARTH VADER JNR: He won't! I used my Force powers to throttle him.
BEN: You did what!?
DARTH VADER JNR: It doesn't matter.
BEN: Yes it does!
DARTH VADER JNR: D'you want some, too?
EXT. YODA'S HOUSE. DAY
BEN KENOBI: Yoda! Who tied you up like this?
YODA: It's that Darth Vader Jnr. One minute we were listening to Steps, the next he was going crazy, accusing me of calling him a jawa.
BEN KENOBI: Did you call him a jawa?
YODA: No... but I did say his mum looked like Jabba.
BEN KENOBI: One day, Yoda, you're going to push Darth Vader Jnr too far.
INT. ANAKIN'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
OBI-WAN: And... there we go! Your training is now complete, Annie. You are now a Jedi.
ANAKIN: In that case I have a favour to ask you.
OBI-WAN: Anything.
ANAKIN: Stop calling me "Annie". It's a girl's name.
OBI-WAN: What? You're saying you're not a girl? You mean I bought you those chocolates for nothing?
INT. ANAKIN'S KITCHEN. NIGHT
OBI-WAN: Look, Anakin - I've made you a big cake in the shape of Master Yoda.
ANAKIN: I don't want it.
OBI-WAN: But everyone likes cake!
ANAKIN: I'm not in the mood. I got into a fight with some of the other Jedi. One of them made comments about my mother. I miss her so, Obi-Wan... sob!
OBI-WAN: I see... in that case you won't be wanting the cake. I shall eat the cake myself!
INT. ANAKIN'S KITCHEN. NIGHT
OBI-WAN: Look, Anakin - look at what I'm doing with these eggs! Ha ha ha!
ANAKIN: Have you lost your mind? Why are you throwing them at the cupboards?
OBI-WAN: Sssh. Sssh! Just watch - watch how the egg yolk drip, drip, drips to the floor.
ANAKIN: Is this part of my training, or have you just lost your mind?
OBI-WAN: ...It drips ...drips like the blood of so many innocent lives!
EXT. TATOOINE
ANAKIN: Hey, Ben Kenobi - look what I've invented. It's a joke lightsaber!
BEN KENOBI: How does it... Ow! You know, that's really dangerous, Anakin.
ANAKIN: But it's funny!
BEN KENOBI: No it isn't. You shouldn't go around disguising lightsabers as cigarettes. You could kill someone.
ANAKIN: Laugh, you old grump!
BEN KENOBI: What is there to laugh about? It cut my arm off.
EXT. TATOOINE
ANAKIN: Hey, Ben Kenobi - look at those stupid droids over there. Let's go and kick their heads in.
BEN KENOBI: No, Anakin - kicking droids' heads in is against the Jedi way. Droids have feelings too.
ANAKIN: Yeah, but it's a laugh.
BEN KENOBI: I don't think so.
ANAKIN: Try it. You might like it.
BEN KENOBI: Well... maybe just this once... Hey you're right - this is fun!
EXT. TATOOINE
ANAKIN: Come on, Ben. Let's go steal one of those Landspeeders and drive it up and down the street scaring slaves.
BEN KENOBI: What have you got against slaves? Didn't you used to be a slave?
ANAKIN: Yeah, but... but slaves are smelly idiots. Come on - let's do it.
BEN KENOBI: Well, OK. But only if you're sure they're smelly idiots. I wouldn't want to knock down anyone who didn't deserve it.
EXT. TATOOINE
ANAKIN: Look, Ben - I've strangled this baby krayt dragon.
BEN KENOBI: Oh, Anakin, you have to control these murderous urges. It's not an acceptable way for Jedi to behave.
ANAKIN: But it's such a laugh, man. Go on - have a go. Here's a live one.
BEN KENOBI: I don't want to do it.
ANAKIN: I'll be your best friend if you do...
BEN KENOBI: ...Really?
EXT. TATOOINE
ANAKIN: Look, Ben - I'm practising a type of dance for tonight's party.
BEN KENOBI: What party?
ANAKIN: Oh didn't I tell you? I've organised a party for you.
BEN KENOBI: What? In my house?
ANAKIN: Yeah, it'll be wicked, man. I've made a joke punch which is laced with laxatives.
BEN KENOBI: Is that a good idea? You know my toilet is broken.
INT. JEDI TEMPLE
OBI-WAN: Remember what I taught you, Annie - throw the rocks really hard at the target.
ANAKIN: Is this really Jedi training, Master Obi-Wan? It seems a little bit cruel to me.
OBI-WAN: Do you want to become a Jedi or not, young Padawan?
ANAKIN: Yes, but, well, I don't want to throw rocks at a beggar tied to a chair no more.
OBI-WAN: Ha ha! Got his nose!
INT. JEDI TEMPLE
OBI-WAN: We have a very important mission, Annie.
ANAKIN: Are we going to free slaves?
OBI-WAN: Shut-up about slaves. No, our mission - actually, it's just a solo mission for you - is a stealth mission.
ANAKIN: Sigh... not again.
OBI-WAN: What's the matter?
ANAKIN: You're going to try to get me to take photos of Yoda in the shower again, aren't you?
INT. MARKETPLACE
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: Hey, Master Obi-Wan Kenobi - look at this stall.
OBI-WAN KENOBI: It's yet another stall selling helmets. So what?
ANAKIN: Look at that great black one.
OBI-WAN: Stay focused on our mission.
ANAKIN: I could do the mission better if I had a helm... OW! That hurt! Why'd you hit me with that chair?
OBI-WAN: Because I've had enough of you nagging me to buy you a helmet.
INT. MARKETPLACE
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: What's this mission all about, anyway?
OBI-WAN KENOBI: I've told you twice already - you have to go into that newsagents and buy me a... a magazine.
ANAKIN: What magazine?
OBI-WAN: You know what magazine.
ANAKIN: And you're sure Master Yoda has sanctioned this mission? What does the Jedi council need with a mag like that?
OBI-WAN: There's a picture of me in it.
INT. JEDI TEMPLE. DAY
OBI-WAN: What's going on in here?
ANAKIN: Me and my mates are having a bit of a party.
OBI-WAN: Party? What are these empty cans of Strongbow? Are you drunk?
ANAKIN: Pff. No.
OBI-WAN: No? Then why were you just sick in that waste paper bin?
ANAKIN: I wasn't sick. I was just, y'know, showing... you... what I... had for... dinner.
INT. JEDI TEMPLE
OBI-WAN: Now come along, Anakin, it's time for your Jedi training.
ANAKIN: I don't need any more training.
OBI-WAN: I strongly dispute that remark. How can you ever hope to become a Jedi if you don't do any... ow! Well, thanks very much. You cut my arm off.
ANAKIN: Yeah. Now watch.
OBI-WAN: Ow! Ow, stop hitting me with my severed arm!
ANAKIN: Train THIS, Benny Kenobi!
INT. JEDI TEMPLE
OBI-WAN: Honestly, Anakin, your behaviour really is most appalling. I mean, anyone would think you wanted to turn to the Dark Side.
YODA: Right he is, young Skywalker. If path this down tread you, Dark turn Side to will you.
OBI-WAN: Er... that's right.
YODA: To us you why not do attention pay, Skywalker young?
ANAKIN: Shut up, will you? I'm trying to listen to Kiss FM.
EXT. DUNE SEA. DAY
OBI-WAN KENOBI: Anakin, what do you think you are doing?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: What does it look like I'm doing?
OBI-WAN KENOBI: I'm not sure. You appear to be lying on your back in the sand, and sort of doing a funny, wriggly dance.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: That's right. That's exactly what I am doing.
OBI-WAN KENOBI: Well, could you at least put some clothes on?
EXT. JEDI TEMPLE. DAY
OBI-WAN KENOBI: Gosh, I really hope we don't get attacked by some clones!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: Yes, that would be awful, wouldn't it?
OBI-WAN KENOBI: It certainly would.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: Anyway, I'm popping down to the shops. Do you want anything?
OBI-WAN KENOBI: Could you get me some… Arrgh! It's Dolly The Sheep! And another sheep! They're attacking me with their faces and hooves!
EXT. JEDI TEMPLE. DAY
OBI-WAN KENOBI: What are you writing there, little feller?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: It's a song.
OBI-WAN KENOBI: Could I hear it?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: Yes. Here we go: Obi-Wan Kenobi stinks of bums, And he lives in a gargoyle workshop, Where he tries to kiss the gargoyles, And did I mention that he stinks? But what does he stink of? Bums, of course.
OBI-WAN KENOBI: When are you going to grow up?
EXT. JEDI TEMPLE. DAY
JAR-JAR BINKS: Mesa called Jar-Jar Binks! Mesa bombad Gungan!
OBI-WAN KENOBI: Ha ha ha! I'd forgotten how funny you are, Jar-Jar!
JAR-JAR BINKS: Oopsie! Mesa trodden in da big poo poo!
OBI-WAN KENOBI: Ha ha ha!
JAR-JAR BINKS: Mesa done big poo poo in me nappy! Mesa baaaad ickle boy!
OBI-WAN KENOBI: Ha ha ha! Pure comedy gold! Ha ha ha!
EXT. JEDI TEMPLE. DAY
OBI-WAN KENOBI: Anakin! What the Dickens are you doing to poor Jar-Jar?
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: What does it loo like I'm doing to him? Ha ha ha!
OBI-WAN KENOBI: It looks like you're kicking him in.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: That's right. And I'm not going to stop until there's nothing left of him.
OBI-WAN KENOBI: I see. Well… would you mind if I had a go?
HAN SOLO: I feel pretty good about our adventures to date.
SKYWALKER: I suppose so, but what are we doing here? This is an abattoir.
CHEWBACCA: Mmm, but it's also a place of worship.
C3PO: Artoo?
R2D2: Ding ding ding ding ding!
(All laugh. Fade to black.)
Copyright G. Clooney 1946
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.
