1994 - Jack And The Bena-Mo
CAST IN ORDER OF PRIDE
Jack Euton - a male human child
Jack's Mother - a sassy communist
YR Drines - a cow seller
Trunces Jr - a cow
Greg Bench - a giant
It is August, 1066 BC. Doctor Who has already saved the town from those big pigs - those real porky squealers.
Our attention is drawn to a stinking boy, Jack Euton, and his massive mother, Harpo Marx. The pair are searching their cupboard for tiny flies to suck on gently.
Outside, a banshee is killed during an argument with cow seller YR Drines, over a beard barrel.
SCENE 1 - JACK'S HOUSE
(Mother scans the walls for signs of life. Jack looks on, flabby-faced.)
Mother: Hello, what's this? A tiny monkey's head! I'll have that.
Jack: The head is mine. Daddy gave it to me as he died.
Mother: Grrrr. Go out and swap cow for bean. Do this once - twice! Then do it again - before we all die.
SCENE 2 - OUTSIDE JACK'S HOUSE
(Jack is scoping the cows out.)
Jack: Which cow to swap?
Trunces: Swap me - I'm dying of thirst!
Trunces Jr: Or me. I've huge udders.
(Trunces Jr wobbles his udders.)
Jack: I will swap Trunces Jr.
SCENE 3 - THE ROAD TO THE MARKET
(Jack drags Trunces Jr along the road, until he is stopped by YR Drines.)
Drines: Sell cow or swap cow for bean?
Jack: Swap cow for bean.
Drines: Here is bean.
Trunces Jr: I'm gonna do a blow-off.
Drines: I shall enjoy this!
SCENE 4 - OUTSIDE JACK'S HOUSE
(Jack has planted the bean, and it has grown into a bena-mo.)
Mother: Look - a benana-mon.
Jack: No, mother - a bena-mo. I'm gonna climb up it!
Mother (crashing her fist down onto an anchor, and laughing): Smash! I hope you fall off. Hee-haw. Hee-haw.
SCENE 5 - AT THE TOP OF THE BENA-MO
(Jack stands proud before a big tent. A giant, Greg Bench, comes out of it.)
Jack: You're the biggest man around.
Bench: Am I really? But am I bigger than the biggest rail?
Jack: I'd like to think so!
Bench: Here - wear my trousers.
SCENE 6 - IN BENCH'S TENT
(Jack and the giant are laying down inside a big cardboard pipe.)
Jack: Why are we in here? It's stupid.
Bench: I want you to meet my doctor. His name is Jenson 5.
Jenson 5: Here I am. I'm gonna fix you up good. Like last time.
Jack: I'm not sure about Jenson 5.
SCENE 7 - OUTSIDE THE TENT
(Jack is running away from Jenson 5, who is waving a steel ring at him.)
Jenson 5: Jack - I want you to look at this. It's a ring, but it's beefed-up.
Jack: You only want to use it to squash me up real good.
Jenson 5: I'm probably your father.
Jack: You, Jenson 5, are evil.
SCENE 8 - JACK'S HOUSE
(Mother is eating a mollusc. Sauce drips from her greasy maw.)
Mother: Hello, Jack. I hear you met Jenson 5 - your father.
Jack: He really was my father...
Mother: Merry Christmas, Jack!
Jack: I must sing now. Here I go...:
(Jack climbs upon a giant rook, and begins to sing this:)
Christmas is a lovely day,
It's funny and it makes me say:
"Hello, Santa, hello, mum -
Drink more lager - drink, you scum!"
Christmas time is good for laughs,
Like shoving falcons into baths,
And forcing snow down raven beaks,
That would be great, wouldn't it?
THE END
More pant-ohs to read with your eyes: here
1993 - CHINDERELLA
1995 - DAVID BELT AND THE SEVEN DWARVES
1997 - BABES IN THE WOOD
1998 - HONEY I SHRUNK THE DWARVES
1999 - SNOW BROWN & THE SEVEN SPORKS
2000 - THE WIZARD OF OZ: PART 2
2002 - SNOW WHITE & THE SEVEN DWARVES
2014 - DAVID BELT & THE BEANSTALK: PART ONE, PART TWO (DIGITISER 2000)
2015 - CHANDERELLA (DIGITISER 2000)
2016 - HALLOWEEN PANT-OH: THE WOMAN IN BROWN (DIGITISER 2000)
2017 - THE WIZARD OF OZ (DIGITISER 2000)
2018 - FARTING (SLEEPING) BEAUTY (DIGITISER 2000)
2020 - DIGITISER'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.
