A special write-up of Biffo's Digi leaving drinks by the little guy that "does" this website, written a couple of days after the lewd events took place (with photos!):
Press Reveal To See Drunk Men In A Pub!
"It happened. If nothing else, I know it all happened because I have photographic evidence to prove it. However, through the drunken haze and copious vomitting that was all day Saturday, I can still remember every single detail - a knack I always seem to have, for better or worse. Here are all the lewd details:
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After a period of running around the underground like blind rats in a maze, we somehow - quite miraculously - found ourselves at Piccadilly Circus against all the odds.
Mooched around for a bit, then went to find the Glasshouse Stores where the night's drunkeness would be taking place. I went down the stairs, and through the door with the 'Paul Rose party' sign stuck on it, to immediately be greeted by a cheerful - and tall - geezer of a bloke, who intoduced himself thus: 'Hi, I'm Paul - who are you?' IT WAS HIM! This was Biffo! I could hardly contain my excitement, and exclaimed 'I'm Bellston!' (he was actually the guy who gave me the name in the first place). His face lit up. 'Bellston! Oh my god!' he shouted, manically shaking my hand so much that were it attached to a dynamo, it could have powered a small car, or at least a robotic cat called 'Felinus Robotus 27' or something.
'I promised myself that if I were going to buy anyone a drink tonight, it would be you' he laughed. 'What you having?' The bar was strangely absent of taps and lacking in bottles behind it. What WAS I having? The barman shambled over, and enquired if we would be wanting 'Strong, medium, or weak' - that was it. This was as much of a choice of beverages we had to choose from - lager in three handily-named strengths. I plumped for the medium, as did my partner in crime, Kev (he later joked that this made him 'A little bit of an idiot, but with ambition').
I stood there chatting to Paul (as I was delighted to now be able to call him), and it felt so surreal. He rabbitted on enthusiastically in answer to my questions, saying it hadn't really sunk in yet that Digi was now over, that was it, he'd written the last one.
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We then went over to an alcove table where he'd been sitting with a bunch of Edge forum regulars. It was still early, but there were about ten of us sat round this table. I sat next to a great guy named Jez, who asked who I was. 'I'm Chris', I replied 'Chris BELL?!' he said. 'Yeah, I do Super Page 58', I offered. Cue much more manic shaking of my hand, from various people round the table. I couldn't believe it! They knew who I was, and were somehow impressed by it! 'I'm just a little guy!' I kept saying throughout the night, in disbelief. I had no idea what an impact my site had really had - now I know, and I'm more than a little touched and humbled by it. I recounted its origins, informing everyone that it just started as some poxy assignment at uni that we were given two weeks to do, and had grown beyond all expectation from there. It's such an inspiring story!
In fact, as other folks made their way over during the evening, they would all ask who I was, and the same 'Chris', 'Chris BELL?!' scenario would be carried out over and over. Even Kev was benefitting from it - at one point, the Scariest Man In The World - who was scary whilst being both TALL and LOUD - responded to a somebody asking who Kev was, by saying 'That's Chris Bell's MATE!' It'd be enough to make me blush, if I wasn't such an ego-head.
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Paul sat with us, and we dicussed moments of Digi brilliance down the years, and just how bloody good it's been over the last few weeks in the run up to its demise. I asked about the infamous 'Handsome Crab', which, as Digi legend has it, is what moulded Paul's humour into the proto-Digi state of his childhood. He confirmed it, saying that it was the first time he could remember laughing like an idiot at something which didn't really make sense. He was such a laugh - a really funny bloke in person, quite unassuming and relaxed. Easy to be around. It's all quite unexpected, given the bile of his Mr Biffo persona, but he really is a Top Bloke.
We got onto the subject of recent Reveal-O-Jokes, and I mentioned how funny I'd found the recent 'suspiciously phallic" picture of a loufer. 'EVERYTHING's been "suspiciously phallic" lately!' Paul cackled, and proceeded to tell us about the best-ever reveal that was to go out over the weekend, for Digi's final ever edition. A picture of the real Turner The Worm 'being sick!' He really has been pushing it lately, but that was about as blatant as you could make it! It's still up, actually, on p176 on C4 Teletext right now - go see! Apparently the Digi sub-editors weren't going to allow it: 'We're not going to put our name to this', he quoted them as saying, before one of them stuck their neck out said 'Aww, go on, let him do it' - so they did! Brilliant! (I actually met one of the evil Digi subs later on, who turned out not to be evil at all.)
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However, Paul did say that nobody had managed to see that day's brilliantly subversive gag, which he was really annoyed about, considering the amount of time it had taken him to do it. In a preview of the sequel to 'Conker's Bad Fur Day' (one of the most intentionally-puerile, sweariest games ever), he'd written it so that all down the left side of the page it said such things as 'shit, fuck, pissflaps' - and nobody had noticed! He was most put out at this moment of evil genius going unseen.
Talk of The Snakes, talk of Mr T and The Man choking on a chrysalis, of the legendary Dantendo (a rather disturbed individual named Dan who wrote to Digi, and then actually changed his name to Dantendo by deed poll). And of course, the infamous Stuart N Hardy - the King Of The Mess-Ups as he became known for his being so rubbish. He appeared in every letters page in every magazine in the country, so attention-seeking was he (there's even a website dedicated to him), and he was always rubbish, saying complete guff about whatever. It was great. So much fun to be around like-minded people.
So yeah. Paul also introduced me to Alex Garland, author of The Beach and the screenplay for excellent recent zombie film 28 Days Later, and celebrity Digi fan. He wrote a wonderful tribute to Digi for its 10th anniversary special over Christmas. So I thanked him for that, because it was perfect and summed it all up brilliantly in exactly the way you'd want it to as a Digi fan.
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I never got the chance to meet Tim Moore (Mr Hairs) though - Paul was doing his host bit, circulating around the room (which was PACKED before long, all with Digi people!). He came over to me at one point and said 'Tim's here - I'll introduce you in a minute!', but he got dragged off and never had the chance. Then, when I later asked him about this, he said that Hairs had already left - gutted!
I did meet Mr Udders, though - a guy called Gavin Lambert - and got his e-mail address. He offered to let me have any archived Digi pages I wanted, which I may well have to take him up on!
Also met self-described 'Angry Scot' Stuart Campbell, who used to have a column on Digi for their weekend Panel 4 section, who was also a great laugh (I even got him to put his 'thumbs aloft' in honour of his email address).
All this time, further pints of a beer-like nature had been magically appearing before me. So often, in fact, that I really couldn't tell you how much I had to drink - I completely lost track, and I don't even like beer. No wonder I was so ill yesterday. But CONTROVERSIAL! Biffo does not drink gin! Okay, so there was no gin on offer - only the aforementioned 'strong, medium and weak' lager - but he actually said that it's horrible stuff and he can't touch it. No, he much prefers absinthe.
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Kev seemed to be having a great time too, and cornered Paul to chat to him for a while himself. He wasn't even lynched when he (or rather, he, as in 'I') revelead his Amiga-owning status. Babylon 5 Babylon 5 Babylon 5 Babylon 5!
And that... I think... was that. Like I say, our miraculous luck continued, and we just about managed to catch our train home. You can tell from my last entry what time I got in, and in what condition I was feeling.
So, a bloody fine not-to-be-missed night all in all. So glad I went! Biffo even remembered my sister, Gemma. I mentioned that 'My sister had really wanted to come', and he immediately exclaimed - without my having to prompt him - 'Oh, the Hen?!' [my sister had gone by the name 'Chuffy The Hen', and was the one had originally written to Digi telling them about Super Page 58 when it was still in its infancy]. I got a number of photos taken of me and the man himself, too - great stuff. He's the best gent ever!
And now, one last thing - if you have access to a Teletext TV, you MUST read the final ever EVER edition of Digi (C4 p175) right now! Not only do I get a mention in Paul's 'Acknowledgements' piece, where he thanks everyone who's added to the Digi expereicne over the years, but it's got arguably the BEST Ring-sir! in quite literally ever. Paul rang up Teletext to prank them, complaining about how filthy Digi's been in recent weeks - genius! I've transcribed it, so I'll stick it up here if you like. Oh, and of course the soon-to-be-legendary 'Real Turner The Worm Being Sick' - you HAVE to see that! (Frame 8 of p176 - press reveal).
Moc-moc-a-moc!"
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.
Mr Biffo's Digitiser Leaving Party | Final Digi Index
