TV Text, London

Holy cracknell! I'm Phoning Honey, the made-up guy who just can't stop phoning people to yank their pranks.

Why do I do it? Nobody knows. How come I look like I do? Nobody knows that either. What happens when I stop doing this? I just don't know. Nobody knows.

For my last ever telephone prank transcript, I have dialled a leading UK TV text service, to complain about one of their sections. Names? ATTENTION: Names have been changed!

TV TEXT, LONDON

TVT: Hello.

US: Hi, yeah. I just want to know what you think you're doing.

TVT: With regard to what, sorry?

US: Well, I mean. With this filth that you've been putting out recently.

TVT: What filth is that?

US: You know what I'm talking about. The filth on your video games pages. I mean, the thing is my kids read that, you know what I'm saying? How do I explain to them what they're seeing?

TVT: I'm not sure I'm really with you.

US: Well, I've been keeping a log. On the 27th of Feb, right, they put up a picture of a Licorice Allsort that looked like a... well I'm not going to say it, because my kids are in here. But you know what I mean, don't you?

TVT: I can't say I do. Sorry, what are we talking about here exactly?

US: Listen to this. Listen to what I'm saying. On the 18th of February, you had the Tinman from the Wizard Of Oz, yeah, and he was saying stuff that I just don't want to repeat on here.

TVT: If you don't want to repeat it, I can't really deal with it, can I?

US: I don't know, can you?

TVT: ... What... I... So, sorry. What, you're registering a complaint?

US: Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

TVT: So, let me get this right. You have an issue with our video games pages, is that right?

US: Yes. Listen, yeah. On Feb 18, yeah? On Feb 18 there was a picture of a cowboy, yeah. And his hat was... well, it wasn't a hat is what I'm saying.

TVT: What was it then?

US: You know what it was. Don't make me say it out loud. My kids are in the room. And they're crying. And it was YOU who made them cry.

TVT: I'm sorry if your kids are upset, but I don't really see...

US: No, that's just it, isn't it? You people, with your fast cars and your silk ties never see, do you? You just think it's funny to display filth for all to see.

TVT: I can assure that everything we do is checked before it is aired. I'm sure that if...

US: No. No, you listen. I don't want excuses. I want action.

TVT: I'm afraid that unless you're a bit more specific about your complaint, all I can do is log your call.

US: Right. OK. I'll give you specifics. On Feb 19, you once again had the Tinman, and this time he was spouting off about being a... y'know. A whatsit.

TVT: A whatsit?

US: Yeah. You know. I mean, what does stuff like that have to do with video games anyway? It's just stupid, and it makes me actually very sick.

TVT: Well, I'm sorry about all of that. Can I take your name?

US: What do you want my name for? So you can use it as a source of ridicule on your stupid video game pages?

TVT: I assure you that it's purely for the purposes of logging your call.

US: Well, in that case then, I'd be happy to give it to you. My name is Doctor Budd Buttocks, MD.

PHONECALL ENDS IN SNIGGERING (OURS)

Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.

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