Chinnygate
11/9/93
11 September 1993 - CHINNYGATE
On the following pages we print the full, shocking transcript of an alleged telephone between telly favourite, The Man With A Long Chin, and Dad's Army.
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As you can see from our photo, his minders are keen to prevent unwanted publicity.
This conversation was allegedly recorded on August 6 1434 BC, by the Charge Of The Light Brigade.
Man: So you knew nothing of the (EXPLETIVE DELETED) boy's club?
Dad's Army: I told you that already.
M: (EXPLETIVE DELETED).
DA: Me?
M: Yes you, and Roy Wood's Wizzard.
Dad's Army: Anyway, if you're going to act like that, then you've got to consider the children.
Man: Children? What children?
DA: Just take the children into consideration, will you?
M: What children? (EXPLETIVE DELETED).
DA: Ssssssssss.
M: Stop that. You're making me feel all giddy. Giddy.
Dad's Army: The children were talking the other day, I think they've started to suspect (PAUSE) the burglars.
Man: Have they? I'm spinning, now.
DA: Be careful. You might spin a little too fast, and fall over.
M: I won't fall over. I won't tumble.
Owl: (EXPLETIVE DELETED) cheese.
DA: Owl said that.
Man: Owl? Is the owl there with you?
DA: Owl isn't in the room, he's in the tongue-room. I can hear him shouting even from here.
Man: Here? Where are you? I thought you were in the tongue-room.
DA: No, no. I'm out on the roof. Owl has been burning cork, and you know how that affects me. I'm hiding.
Man: Wouldn't it be simpler to douse the cork with old-fash' lemonade?
Man: (EXPLETIVE DELETED)!!??!!
DA: What is it? What's wrong, Huss?
Man: I thought I saw a badger. A badger on the frame.
DA: I thought you'd got rid of that frame. That your badger-frame-oh days were behind you.
Man: No, I keep the frame around. It's worth a lot of money. I placed a toy on it the other day. Near it.
DA: What sort of toy was it?
Man: Well, I'd stapled my old "Stretch" Armstrong figure to my Tin Pan Alley. It looked really nice.
DA: You shouldn't be playing with toys.
Man: I was talking to "Kelly" the other day. He's got a new disease.
DA: Where's he keeping this one?
Man: In a small, hollow Cuban heel.
DA: Did you see Eastenders last night?
Man: Yes. I loved it when Arthur began twirling. He really stretched his arms out a long way for that.
DA: Yeah. What about the bit when Ian Beale shook that pear tree to see if there was a partridge in it?
Man: And Ringo Starr fell out! Smart.
DA: How's Duncan? Still... (PAUSE)
Man: ...Growing. Pasting. Feasting.
Man: Anyway, I'm going to have to go now. Chapman is coming.
DA: Really? How did you manage that?
Man: (EXPLETIVE DELETED) ponies.
DA: Hang on - there's some crow up here with a tape recorder.
Man: Oh no. A crow. Oh no!
DA: Get away (EXPLETIVE DELETED)!
(CONVERSATION ENDS)
