So - Jurassic Park, then. What the hell was that all about? It seems that for a period of time in the summer of '93 the world watched dribbling with a vacant expression painted across its gawping faces, as collective senses picked up a suitcase, slapped on a trilby and declared: "I'm buggering off for three months, then". Inexplicably, we all seemed to say: "Mmmm, dinosaurs. Grrreat! More hype, daddy!" And fell for it like the stupid idiots that we are. By the time 'The Lost World' was released, Dr Common Sense was back in residence, and people were less enthusiatic about the big din' film. With the franchise successfully rebooted in recent years, however, maybe we'll still get the chance to see the scripts Digi unearthed in the late '90s come to the big screen...
EXT. JUNGLE
(Two panicked youths fight their way through the undergrowth).
BOY: Run, Missy - they're gaining!
GIRL: I'm running as fast as I can. But I can feel their hot breath on my neck.
(The Chuckle Brothers burst from the trees behind the youths)
BARRY: Come on, Paul - let's catch them and eat them for our dinner. And stop messing about with that bucket of wallpaper paste.
EXT. JUNGLE
(Two blood-spattered scientists fight their way through the undergrowth)
PROF. BROWN: What have we done? The creatures are out of control!
PROF. REDD: If only we hadn't chosen to clone long-extinct species... our work has doomed the world!
(The snarling cast of Dad's Army bursts from the trees, and attacks the terrified scientists)
CPT. MAINWARING: Grrrrnl! Rrrragh!
EXT. JUNGLE
(Two terrified big game hunters fight their way through the undergrowth)
HUNTER 1: We came to this island to hunt the wildlife, but now the wildlife is hunting us!
HUNTER 2: Yes. These long-dead monsters must have been brought back to life via advanced cloning processes.
(The Eurythmics burst from the trees and attack the hunters)
ANNIE LENNOX: Grrrnl! Rrrragh!
EXT. JUNGLE
MR HAMMOND: I'm real glad you could come and see my new tourist attraction. We've used genetic engineering to make a really wicked place!
ACCOUNTANT: I really hope you've thought it through this time, Hammond.
MR HAMMOND: Sssh! I think I can hear one of our attractions approaching!
ACCOUNTANT: What's that...? It's a half-naked tramp smeared in butter!
MR HAMMOND: Yes. Welcome to Half-Naked Tramp Smeared In Butter Park!
EXT. JUNGLE
MR HAMMOND: Come on now - let's go on a tour of my new park, which has been realised through new genetic engineering techniques.
ACCOUNTANT: I hope it's not going to go wrong this time, Mr Hammond.
MR HAMMOND: Don't be silly. Look - there's one of the attractions!
ACCOUNTANT: But it... it looks like a bird flying around inside a bin liner.
MR HAMMOND: Yes. Welcome to Blackbird/Blackbag Park!
EXT. JUNGLE
MR HAMMOND: Here we are then - my new theme park attraction, realised via the magic of genetic engineering!
ACCOUNTANT: Hmm... your theme parks have a habit of going wrong, Hammond.
MR HAMMOND: Not this time... Look - there's one of our star attractions!
ACCOUNTANT: But it... it's that woman off Robot Wars - and she's biting off my face!
MR HAMMOND: That's nothing! Anne Robinson's in the next paddock!
EXT. JUNGLE
MR HAMMOND: Welcome to my latest theme park attraction, Mr Accountant.
ACCOUNTANT: Hmm... what has your genetic tinkering produced this time?
MR HAMMOND: Oh, we haven't used genetic engineering, I promise. Look!
ACCOUNTANT: Why, the park is filled with papier-mache models of my favourite singers!
MR HAMMOND: That's right - and they're packed with explosives!
EXT. JUNGLE
MR HAMMOND: Well, here we are in my new theme park, accountant.
ACCOUNTANT: Another of your genetically engineered death traps, I suppose.
MR HAMMOND: Oh, I wouldn't say that. Look over there - it's our star attraction!
ACCOUNTANT: I don't believe it! You've put portable TVs in the trees, and they're showing repeats of Masterchef!
MR HAMMOND: Indeed they are. Welcome... to Masterchef Tree Park.
EXT. JUNGLE
HAMMOND: Welcome to my new Jurassic Park, everyone. I guarantee that no one will be eaten this time!
VISITOR: What the...? These aren't real dinosaurs. They're just papier mache.
HAMMOND: But it's still very exciting!
VISITOR: Exciting? With a load of these stupid papier macheeaaaaargh!!?
HAMMOND: As you can see, we've wired them up to the mains.
VISITOR #2: He... he's dead!
EXT. VISITOR HOTEL
HAMMOND: I hope everyone is enjoying their stay in the new Jurassic Park.
VISITOR: Actually no we're not. My wife and I were disturbed in the night by one of your porters scratching on our bedroom door.
HAMMOND: I think you'll find it was actually as velociraptor.
VISITOR: It was a porter! When I confronted him he ran away.
HAMMOND: It... he... it was probably wearing a disguise.
EXT. JUNGLE
HAMMOND: So what do you think of the new Jurassic Park so far?
VISITOR: It's rubbish. You don't have any dinosaurs.
HAMMOND: Yes we do. Look - there's one over there!
VISITOR: That's a bird.
HAMMOND: Birds are dinosaurs. Rarrrgh!
VISITOR: Ow! Y-you scratched my face!
HAMMOND: No I didn't. It was a T-Rex.
EXT. JUNGLE
HAMMOND: Come on, everyone - come and see the dinosaurs!
VISITOR: What dinosaurs? I've been here all day and haven't seen anything.
HAMMOND: You just haven't been looking hard enough.
VISITOR: Yes I have. You've just got a load of dinosaur cardboard cutouts.
HAMMOND: Look out! Velociraptor attack!
VISITOR: Where?! I... there's nothing there. Hey - where did Mr Hammond go?
EXT. JURASSIC PARK
MAN: Quickly! We must run this way - into the forest. The dinosaurs won't be able to find us in there.
WOMAN: Indeed, hiding in the forest is a very good idea.
MAN: Actually, before we go into the forest, do I have time to show you my impression of Sporty Spice?
WOMAN: What? Oh no!
MAN: Arrrgh! Aieeeee! Eeeeeek! Arrgh! The tyrannosaur is eating me! Arrrgh!
EXT. JURASSIC PARK
WOMAN: Quickly - we can hide from the dinosaurs in this little shed.
MAN: Wait... do you hear something?
WOMAN: I don't...
MAN: GRRRRRRRRRAAAAGH! Hahaha!
WOMAN: You idiot. What did you do that for? You terrified me.
MAN: I know. It was really funny. You should've seen your - OW! Now my leg has fallen off.
EXT. JURASSIC PARK
MAN: This Jurassic Park isn't so scary.
WOMAN: How d'you mean?
MAN: Well, it's basically just like a kids' playground with a roundabout and a slide and stuff, but with a big sign that says "Welcome To Jurassic Park". I mean, where are the dinosaurs?
WOMAN: I dunno, but I don't like the look of that guy hanging around by the swings.
MAN: And look how he is hopping on one leg and flapping his arms.
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.
