"Jesus was a black man, Jesus was Batman!", once croaked Shaun Ryder - withering Mancunian theologian of Happy Mondays, Black Grape, and making himself sick fame - clearly feeling the effects of years of twisting his melon on all the "crack" and eggnog, and stuff. What? Anyway, even if Jesus was in fact Batman and not some statue of a dead monk or something, chances are that not even he could have saved the ailing Batman films of the late '90s, stuck as they were at the doss house of 10 Skankuss Road, Skankington-on-Skank. It's just that the septic, milk-encrusted lips of Joel Schumacher had kissed Batman on the thighs too many times. And that was a real big shame, because Batman is lactose intolerant and potentially the most lovely of all rabies-carrying radar-guys. Funky tennis!
INT. BATCAVE
BATMAN: Look, Robin - I have invented a new bat suit.
ROBIN: Why are there two small holes in the chest area?
BATMAN: Er, in case I start sweating.
ROBIN: Right. And what's with the studded dog collar?
BATMAN: Um, ah... amour. I mean armour.
ROBIN: I think you're spending too much time on the Internet, dude.
INT. BATCAVE
BATMAN: Look, Robin - look at the way I'm standing.
ROBIN: What's so special about that?
BATMAN: It's my new crime-fighting stance. You know, to make me look more threatening to criminals.
ROBIN: So what, standing on one leg with your fist held up in front of your face is supposed to be threatening now is it?
BATMAN: You want a bit, do you? I'm a bit tasty with this fist, you know.
INT. BATCAVE
BATMAN: Look, Robin - I've invented a new piece of crimefighting equipment.
ROBIN: What, that? It's just a cardboard box with a pencil attached to it with a bit of string.
BATMAN: Yes, but we use the pencil for drawing sketches of criminals, and then we store them in the box, and... and...
ROBIN: Ow! What was that for? You punched me really hard in the mouth.
BATMAN: Well you were annoying me.
INT. BATCAVE
BATMAN: What's the matter with you? What's with the miserable face?
ROBIN: I'm cold, wet and hungry.
BATMAN: So?
ROBIN: So you could make me something to eat. And let me live in Wayne Manor with you. I'm sick of this cave.
BATMAN: Hey - I lived in this cave for five years as a kid, and I turned out all right, didn't I?
ROBIN: Batman, where are your trousers?
INT. BATCAVE
BATMAN: Who's used the Bat-computer?
ROBIN: I was playing Minesweeper.
BATMAN: How dare you? How dare you interfere with my stuff?
ROBIN: It's just Minesweeper, man.
BATMAN: I don't care what it was. You don't ever - EVER - touch my computer.
ROBIN: I didn't look in your "secret" files, if that's what's bothering you.
BATMAN: I... don't know what you mean.
INT. BATCAVE
BATMAN: Right, I've got a new training routine for you to practise.
ROBIN: What, you want me to do a load of press-ups while you watch again?
BATMAN: No. I've just heard that the Joker has taken the United Nations hostage, and is threatening to blow them up with a really big grenade. Your job is to go and save the day.
ROBIN: Aren't you going to help me?
BATMAN: Of course not. This is training. Besides, I'm really drunk.
INT. BATCAVE
BATMAN: Look at the new cape I've designed, Robin. It's excellent.
ROBIN: Are you sure, Batman?
BATMAN: What's wrong with it?
ROBIN: Well, it's bright pink, has gold trimming, little tassles at the bottom, and bright pink fur around the neck.
BATMAN: You don't like it then?
ROBIN: It's not very scary.
BATMAN: No, but it looks divine!
INT. BATCAVE
BATMAN: Robin, I've decided to retire from the superhero game.
ROBIN: Really? But why?
BATMAN: I want to fulfil my dream of running a small fishmonger's. Also it's time to hand the mantle to a younger generation. You must be Batman now.
ROBIN: Wow!
BATMAN: Here's my rubber suit.
ROBIN: Thanks, I... urgh! What's all this stuff inside it?
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.
