New TV Show (Part 1)
20 January 1996
I am Phoning Honey - the dandy retro-secretary.
I've had some trouble with the foxes in my garden this week, so I've been pumping helium into their muddy holes.
I've also been posing as a TV producer attempting to recruit gullible shop workers for a position on my new video games show. I have changed the names to spare the fools. Continue, cretin.
1. ORBITAL GAMES, BIRMINGHAM
US: Hi, hi, hi. I'm Adrian Saunders from KL Television, we're putting together a new show for satellite and we're after a games expert.
OG: Plenty of those here!
US: I haven't finished. Are there plenty of games experts there?
OG: Well, yes. What is it that you're actually looking for?
US: I don't know if you've seen Fantasy Football League, but we're after a kind of Statto character to sit in a bottle.
OG: He's got to do what?
US: The show's called Salt and Scratch's Caribbean Games Bar. It's presented by two puppets - a turkey and a prisoner - and we hope to get Kris Akabusi as frontman. The expert will sit in a giant bottle behind the bar.
OG (laughs): What on earth for?
US: There's this bit in the show where we get a kid to come in and ask for a cocktail, and the camera zooms in on this giant bottle. The guy inside starts talking about which games are selling that week. That sort of thing.
OG: There might be a couple of lads...
US: Whoever they are, they mustn't mind getting covered with gin. As they talk the bottle begins to fill up.
OG: Well, great!
US: Are these lads there? Are they handsome?
OG (long pause): Do you want to talk to them?
US: Not really. We don't need to know what they sound like. We're going to dub the voice anyway. Make it sound like a robot or something.
OG: That's quite a vivid image. Look, how is this going to work?
US: We'll probably have to visit the shop and film your boys with a special lens. It's really long - like about 20ft long. Just solid plastic. It's incredible. It lights up and buzzes.
OG: Why would... why? Is this a wind-up?
US: Yes.
OG: Pardon?
US: Yes. It's a wind-up. Goodbye!
2. MULTI-GAMES, LIVERPOOL
US: Hello, dear, I'm calling from Dangerous Television about a new TV series we're doing for satellite.
MG: What is it regarding, sorry?
US: Oh, must you interrupt all the time? I'm trying to speak! I'm the producer of a new video games show and I wondered if your staff could help me.
MG: In what capacity?
US: I want them in the capacity of games experts to sit in a big bottle of gin for us.
MG: There's no one here right now.
US: You're there. Wouldn't you like to sit in the gin?
MG: Not really, no.
US: Listen, love, just tell your boss that if he doesn't get his act together, this whole project is binned.
MG: Who shall I say was calling?
US: Tell him it was Johnny - Johnny Whisperhemmel. And tell him that his constant dilly-dallying is costing us dear. Either he wants it or he doesn't.
MG: Has he got your number?
US: Has he got my what? Oh, just tell him to get lost. Goodbye.
MG: Oh, bye then.
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