Our Inventions
2 September 1995
I am Phoning Honey – "the phoning prankney".
In my eternal (e)quest(rian) to upset the shoppingtons, I've been calling them up and pretending to be an independent inventor attempting to find a buyer for his latest notion.
Some of you may find the things I do quite unusual. This is a good, if unusual, reaction to the things I do. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, and an even better birthday. Well done.
1. TEE-VISIONS, NOTTINGHAM
US: Hello, I'm an independent inventor.
TEE-VISIONS: Beg pardon?
US: I've invented a peripheral for the new superconsoles which you might want to sell in your little shop.
TEE-VISIONS: Well...
US: It's an ice-based visual projection system. It's very good.
TEE-VISIONS: Ice?
US: What it is is a large sheet of coloured ice, which is rapidly frozen then thawed to provide brilliant clarity on most surfaces. Well?
TEE-VISIONS: I wouldn’t want to dismiss it out of hand. Have you got a model?
US: I've run up a prototype on a Psion Organiser, but at this stage it only works in a walk-in fridge. I could do you a drawing.
TEE-VISIONS: A drawing or some photocopies would be good. I'm not sure I understand the concept.
US: Well, it's pretty obvious. We've called it Image Control Enhancement – ICE, you see. Coloured frost.
TEE-VISIONS: I'd certainly be interested to find out more.
US: It's a good name, isn't it? And we only want a tenner for the stupid thing. Goodbye.
2. ELECTROLAND, GLASGOW
US: How are you? I've invented a marvellous peripheral with both practical and entertaining functions.
ELECTROLAND: Yeah?
US: Imagine this: an intruder comes in and tries to take away your Saturn. He stretches towards it, and BANG! A load of ultra-high wattage diodes go right off in his face.
ELECTROLAND: Yeah?
US: Yes! But it could be funny as well: you could wait until your friends went to look at your new machine, then laugh as they get shone on. At.
ELECTROLAND: Yeah?
US: It's called The Dioencryptor – the whole point being that you can only bypass the security system if you know how many diodes there are. There are 34 diodes. Hello?
3. TK GAMES, LIVERPOOL
US: Do you sell add-ons?
TK: Not really. No.
US: Well, I've developed a new style of controller specifically for 3D games.
TK: I see.
US: Shall I explain it to you, and you could decide whether to stock it?
TK: You could do.
US: If you imagine a book lying on a table, open at 45 degrees. Painted on both internal surfaces is a sensitive grid and suspended above the grid from an A-frame are two balls on strings.
TK GAMES: How…
US: By swinging the balls towards the grid, you can control the movement of the character on the screen. We currently have working SNES models.
TK GAMES: It sounds interesting…
TK GAMES: That would be good for driving games.
US: Don't be an idiot. It's a stand-alone item. Free fun for all!
TK GAMES: Right… do you have any literature on these items?
US: I could send you a picture of someone sitting in the chair, smiling.
TK GAMES: OK then, that'd be great!
US: Love you lots. Love! Love! Hello?
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.
