Gift For Niece
2 April 1994
I'm "Phoning Honey" of Eee Bee Dee Ltd. Last week I rang a few stores to see which console to buy for my nephew. This week, I'm doing exactly the same thing, but cleverly substituting the word "nephew" with "niece".
I'm so crazy and wired-up, I can't believe the things I've been saying!
1. GAME BOX, HUDDERSFIELD
US: It's my young niece's birthday next week, and my sister has asked me to buy her a... a what is it? Console. What one would you recommend.
BOX: What one does she want?
US: Well, it's supposed to be a secret, so we can't exactly ask her. She doesn't think she's getting anything. She's really been crying!
BOX: What does she like?
US: She's 16, so all she probably likes doing is going out with men that are too old for her and getting tanked up to the eyeballs before collapsing into a heap in a shop doorway.
BOX (long pause): Ah... I... well there are two types of little girl. Those that wear flowery dresses, and those that wear jeans. What one is she?
US: Jeans. She wears jeans.
BOX: I recommend the Mega Drive.
US: Why that one?
BOX: Well, it's got more scrapping games on it.
US: What? SLAPPING?
BOX (laughs): No - SCRAP-ping
US: Honestly!
2. VIRGIN GAMES CENTRE, OXFORD ST
US: It's my niece's special day next week. I've been asked to get her one of these Sega Nintendo things. Help me. Help me to decide which one.
VIRGIN: Well, the best one is probably the Super NES. The games are a bit more expensive but it's got more colours and so on. The speed chip is a little slower, though.
US: I see. And is this as good as it gets? I don't know, you see.
VIRGIN: I don't know if I should tell you this, but coming next are a whole load of newer, better machines from Sega, Sony and Nintendo.
US: Ah, yes. Are these are those actual reality things?
VIRGIN: No, they just have more power behind them. Virtual Reality will be an optional extra.
US: So no special glasses then, guv?
VIRGIN: No. Virtual Reality is only really available in the arcades.
US: How much are they?
VIRGIN: About two pounds a go.
US: No! To buy. I want to buy one.
VIRGIN: Probably about six grand.
US: What a lot of money that is.
Right. I'm bored with doing that now.
Here are the marks, which are based only loosely around fact, and draw a barely satisfactory conclusion:
GAMEBOX, HUDDERSFIELD: 9
VIRGIN GAMES CENTRE: 7
Everyone's a winner in the game of life!
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