Buying A Console
26 March 1994
Oh heavens, I'm all out of breath. Puff-puff-puff-puff. Better now.
I'm "Phoning Honey" of Eee Bee Dee Ltd, and I've been wringing round a few of the shops, asking which console I should buy for my nephew, Vortex.
Let's listen in, and see what goofy things I might have been saying.
1. WH SMITHS, FULHAM
US: You'll have to bear with me, but I'm a little stupid.
SMITHS: All right.
US: It's my nephew's birthday next week, and I've been asked to get him one of these new machines. Could you recommend one?
SMITHS: Well, that's difficult.
US: Which one is best?
SMITHS: It really isn't that easy. There's two main ones, there's the Sega Mega Drive, and the Nintendo Super NES.
US: What on earth does NES stand for?
SMITHS: Nintendo system, and...
US: What's so good about those?
SMITHS: Well, they've got the best games, and are the most popular.
US: Why is this the case?
SMITHS: They're 16-bit.
US: They come in sixteen bits?
SMITHS (laughs): No... no, 16-bit. It means memory. A bit, I think, is a thousand. I can't remember exactly.
US: And they've got the best colours?
SMITHS: Yes.
2. DIXONS, FULHAM
US: I don't want one. My nephew does. Think - what one would you buy?
DIXONS (laughs): The cheapest one!
US: Which is?
DIXONS: Well, they're all different prices. Hang on a sec. (What follows is three minutes of Dixons Man reading random entries from a catalogue. The SNES proves to be the more expensive.)
US: OK. Now, I'm concerned by the violence. I've heard of games where people tear hearts out and bite tongues off and that.
DIXONS: Ah. Yes. Well you can't get them over here. They're illegally imported from the continent. In fact, I was in France recently and saw one. It was terrible. Really violent.
US: Thank you. You've been very kind.
3. HANMELYS, REGENT STREET
US: Nephew's birthday. Gotta get him games machine. Whatta you say?
HAMLEYS: Can I help you?
US: What computer games machine should I purchase for my nephew? Money's no object. I'm so awfully, awfully rich.
HAMLEYS: There are two major ones, Sega and Nintendo. It depends on what sort of games he likes.
US: He likes football.
HAMLEYS: The Sega machine is better for sports games, whilst the Nintendo machine is better for adventure and platform-type games.
US: What are "platform" games?
HAMLEYS: It's those ones where you jump around a lot.
US: Jumping! Oh yes (laugh). Now then, what's this about games where people are sick into buckets and tear heads off or whatever?
HAMLEYS: That's only Sega games. Nintendo remove all the violence.
US: What do they do? Tickle each other?
HAMLEYS (laughs): No, but they don't take any heads off.
US: Just their clothes, eh?
Now then, now then, how's about now then?
Part II of my consumer report will follow in two weeks. But for now, here are my marks for service and courtesy:
WH SMITHS, FULHAM: 8.5
DIXONS, FULHAM: 8
HAMLEYS, REGENT ST: 7
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.
