Newspaper
18/7/95-25/7/95
18 July 1995 - NEWSPAPER
Jacob has rented out all his dad's masks, and with the money we've decided to publish a newspaper.
We're calling it The Daily Accuser. The idea is the paper is littered with little comment boxes where we accuse famous people of stuff.
Like in the first edition we accuse Marco Polo of being a magic lion.
19 July 1995 - NEWSPAPER
Jacob has come up with a brilliant way to make our newspaper the best ever.
We're running a promotion called Lucky Dirty. Readers must scratch the face off a special celebrity photo given away free inside tomorrow's edition.
If their hands come away covered in brown filth, they get a chance to win a cab or a salt-lick.
21 July 1995 - NEWSPAPER
Our newspaper's image has been seriously damaged by the recent "rats for cash" affair.
To repair the damage, we're starting a populist appeal to have our old friend Eldritch Peggory - currently serving a 9-year sentence for running an owl club - neutered.
One reader has already sent us a drawing of a monster attacking a phone.
24 July 1995 - NEWSPAPER
Our campaign to punish Eldritch Peggory for his crimes has gone bad.
Why? Here's why: we sent the Queen our readers' pictures, forgetting one of them was of a dead weasel.
Of course, weasels are protected by Royal Warrant, and technically the Queen would have had to appear in the picture for our campaign to succeed.
25 July 1995 - NEWSPAPER
Further scandal beset our fledgling newspaper yesterday, when our TV reviewer, Henny Auld-Irons, was caught de-scaling the giant kettle in Trafalgar Square.
She told police that her brain was being controlled by space sprats. When the police attempted to handcuff her, she began coughing up roe. The stench was so overwhelming, the officers were forced to put bins on their heads.
26 July 1995 - NEWSPAPER
Things are looking even worse for our newspaper. It seems our racing tipster stopped discussing dogs and horses some weeks ago, and has instead seen fit to offer his own odds on some very strange things. For example:
A cat to find its way out of a maze 10/1; two dolphins to be discovered in a sewer 7/2; a man's carpet found to be made out of sherbert EVENS.
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