Christmas 1994

22 December 1994 - CHRISTMAS 1994

I've been out spraying beer through my parents' letterbox. It's a Christmas tradition in my family, which dates back to the time when my mother was pregnant with my brother "Kelly".

My Uncle Dracuum, thinking she was a drum, attempted to stretch her skin by pumping her pedal.

23 December 1994 - CHRISTMAS 1994

I'm staying at my mum's house for Christmas, but I'm not happy. She's been preparing the usual Christmas feast, raw giblets in milk.

Last year, my brother "Kelly" ate too much and sprayed the cat with musk. The year before, Granny Bread ended up in the cupboard with a virus.

24 December 1994 - CHRISTMAS 1994

I've been wrapping up my family's Christmas gifts. For mother: a rubber peacock. For brother: a cork tune. For granny: a spinning tennis. For Ganny: a bent ouncer.

I've asked for Robot Johnson - the action doll that really lives up to its name! I hope Santa is all right now.

26 December 1994 - CHRISTMAS 1994

I hope you had a better Christmas than I did. For a start, the only present I got was a dolly made out of a coconut.

And then, during dinner, I was pinned to the ground by my mother and had my mouth sewn up. All I'd done was tell my granny she smelt like a wolves' nest.

27 December 1994 - CHRISTMAS 1994

I'm really trying to smile, but it is very hard. My granny forced the remains of a troll up my cracker, leaving me gasping for breath.

It happened so fast, I barely had time to pull my novelty out.

When my cracker eventually got tugged, my brother was nearly sick into the fire.

28 December 1994 - CHRISTMAS 1994

I hate all these stupid programmes they have on at Christmas. Last night we had to sit through eight hours of Hive Jive Live.

Wasps kept going in and coming out - but then a bee came along and sat on the queen.

They started dancing, and only stopped when a drone began sparkling.

29 December 1994 - CHRISTMAS 1994

I had to visit an old folks' home as part of my community service last night. I dressed up as a Zulu, and sang them to sleep.

Some of them were so far gone that they thought I was Robert Lindsay. To prove I wasn't I had to kick over their pill trays, until they listened.

30 December 1994 - CHRISTMAS 1994

I'm getting ready for our New Year's party. I've already stuck a winkle on the door and sprayed it with turps.

I've also been busy building a carriage to cart off the drunks at the end of the garden. I hate those drunks. Last year, one of them, Repil Reptile, spat all over the patio.

1 January 1995 - NEW YEAR'S PARTY

I'm absolutely furious! At our New Year's party last night, Mrs Breech from the pupa factory got so drunk, she tried to push me into the fire.

Before kicking her down, I inhaled fumes from the commuters burning below, and passed out. When I came to, it was now. I've only just come to.

2 January 1995 - CHRISTMAS 1994

Christmas is not over any more. It lives on in me! I've wrapped all my presents again and stuffed them back up the chimney.

I've retrieved the turkey carcass out of the bin and painted it white, and I've got a load of brandy butter and stuck torn-up crackers in it. Yo-ho hee-hee-hee!

3 January 1995 - CHRISTMAS 1994

It is, once more, yet another day.

I've begun to wind down after the festive seasoning, and get my thoughts together.

I have decided that a new job is in order. I am quite fed up with the endless series of dead-end sess-holes I've worked in. Do you see?

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