Time was when you could count on James Cameron putting out a film that was a stone cold classic. Sadly it seems as though the halcyon days of The Terminator, Aliens and The Abyss are gone, as Titanic was such a stinkston that it stunk up the house so much that the monkey had to have its lungs removed. And that's bad, man, because monkeys need lungs - how else could they make those excellent cheeky noises? But obviously it's not as bad as the sequel, Titanic II - complete with all-new cringing dialogue!
EXT. SOUTHAMPTON DOCKS. DAY
ROSE: Jack has died, which is sad, but I shall remember his life with a trip on the RMS Titanic II!
JACK: Hello, Rose.
ROSE: Jack?! But... you died.
JACK: I didn't die, Rose. Somehow that freezing water had a strange effect on my biology. Look: I can now shoot laser beams out of my eyes!
ROSE: Radical!
EXT. RMS TITANIC II DECK. DAY
ROSE: But, Jack, I don't understand how you came back to life.
JACK: Nor do I, Rose. It must have had something to do with the race of aquatic sea-wizards I met while almost drowning on the ocean floor.
ROSE: Aquatic sea-wizards?
JACK: Yes. Aquatic sea-wizards.
ROSE: They sound pretty cool!
EXT. RMS TITANIC II DECK. DAY
ROSE: Look out, Jack - here comes Cal, my evil fiancee whom I recently got re-engaged to.
JACK: Don't worry, Rose. Ever since I was resurrected, I've been itching for an opportunity to test my new powers. Watch this...
ROSE: Wow, Jack! You hit Cal over the head with a big plank of wood!
JACK: Yes - he won't be troubling either of us no more.
EXT. RMS TITANIC II DECK. NIGHT
ROSE: Oh, Jack, you coming back from the dead was good luck, but it is extremely bad luck that the RMS Titanic II has hit an iceberg and is in the process of sinking.
JACK: I know, Rose, but don't worry - using the power of telekenesis I can reverse the sinking. Must... con... centrate... and... every... thing...
ROSE: Jack - there's blood trickling out of your nose! Also, your trousers have fallen down. That is good luck!
EXT. RMS TITANIC II DECK. NIGHT
ROSE: Oh, Jack, the ship is sinking, and we haven't even got married yet.
JACK: Here - let's ask this vicar. Excuse me, sir, but would you marry us?
VICAR: Both of you? But I've hardly met you yet!
JACK: Ha ha ha ha ha!
ROSE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
VICAR: What are you laughing at?
EXT. RMS TITANIC II DECK. NIGHT
ROSE: This is it, Jack - The Titanic II is sinking - history is repaeting!
JACK: Heh heh heh!
ROSE: What are you laughing at?
JACK: You see, Rose, all of this it's just an elaborate virtual reality simulation. We're really in the future!
ROSE: Really?
JACK: Not really. We're going to die.
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (superpage58@gmail.com) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.
