22 October 1994
I am Phoning Honey.
This weekend I clamp down on stupidity. To this end, I have been phoning video games shops and posing as Uncle Beanis in an attempt to gather information on the so-called "super consoles".
I called as many as six stores before I noticed that my dog had choked on a wire brush. Damn!
1. CURRYS, HAMMERSMITH
US: My nephew says I must buy him a "super" console. How should I behave?
CURRYS: He probably means the 32-bit consoles. Sega and Nintendo both have one coming out this Christmas. The current machines are only 16-bit.
US: Excellent! That means he can have precisely twice as much fun!
CURRYS: Yes, the graphics will move around at about double speed.
US: How realistic are these new games?
CURRYS: They'll look pretty amazing.
US: If you made a Realism Charter - with 3 representing a painting by someone like Van Gogh and 8 for what someone with glasses would see if they took them off - how would they do?
CURRYS: About that. About 8.
US: An 8? That's good going, mister! As they are so realistic, will there be a danger of my nephew getting mixed up in this "virtual nudity"?
CURRYS: No, you won't get that on a console. It's only a problem on PCs, where you can program data in yourself.
US: What - you mean your own body?
CURRYS: I don't think it's like that.
US: I wish it was.
2. COMET, WEMBLEY
US: What is a "super console", fizzz?
COMET: Super Nintendo or Mega Drive.
US: Aren't you completely wrong? My nephew says there's a new Mega Drive times 32. X32.
COMET: He might mean the new 32-bit machines. And I think Panasonic are bringing a CD machine out, but it'll be expensive - around £200.
US: Have you finished?
COMET: I think Atari had a new console, but they pulled it out. Neo Geo are doing a new one with great graphics, but the games cost around £150 each.
US: Are these games like my life?
COMET: In terms of realism, it's like having a drawn figure with eyebrows and eyelashes.
US: Hee hee hee!
3. TANDY, NORTH LONDON
US: Hello, do you sell the consoles?
TANDY: Yes, we do.
US: My nephew is after one of these super consoles. He's got a Mega Drive.
TANDY: I don't think we'll be getting any new consoles till after Christmas.
US: All right, but what can you tell me about them? Much better, are they?
TANDY: Well, the main thing is that they play games off of CDs.
US: Excellent! So if I put a Take That CD in, it'll make a game out of it.
TANDY: No, no. It has to be a special CD. CD-i consoles play normal CDs.
US: CD eye? Is it called that because of, like, an eye you see through?
TANDY: I don't know, to be honest.
The calls are done. How did they done? Let's see:
STORE 1: Well done.
STORE 2: Very good work.
STORE 3: Keep it up.
Congratulations to all three stores - and all stores not taking part.
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (firstname.lastname@example.org) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.