Now It's 'Sieg Heil The Hedgehog'
Edge #144, Christmas 2004
Secret government papers released yesterday possibly reveal that Adolf Hitler was a videogame fan, and enjoyed regular sessions on a sick mass murder simulator
Adolf Hitler, the Nazi dictator of Germany between 1933 and 1945 who ordered the murder of millions, is said to be a big fan of the videogame Lemmings according to declassified Ministry of Defence documents.
Though an apparently innocent puzzle game, Lemmings literally teaches players to kill, cynically luring them in with bright colours and cute characters. While the game may seem harmless at first, players are able to wipe out dozens of the innocent on-screen Lemming characters at the press of a button, and revel in their plaintive death cries.
Eyewitnesses possibly quoted in the papers - which have been kept secret for 60 years, and which we haven't seen - claim that Hitler was seen playing the Lemmings game just hours before he signed the decree to invade Poland.
But it wasn't only Lemmings that fuelled his sick lust for death and destruction: during his final days, Hitler retired to a Berlin bunker with armfuls of games, including megalomania-inducer Populous and drug use-promoting, turtle-harm-producing kiddie favourite Mario 64.
Hitler's descent into insane, mono-testicled mass murder isn't an isolated incident. Similar symptoms are common among videogame fans, with as much as 88 per cent of all deaths now attributed to videogame-related causes.
"It has long been common knowledge that these so-called games turn people into perverted maniacs", said videogame expert Professor Dubrey Belt.
History is littered with tragedies inspired by videogames. For instance, Attila The Hun had an extensive videogame library, including twisted titles like Sonic And Knuckles and Bak 2 Skool. "I myself recently killed approximately four people with a hammer after I had a go on my son's copy of Puyo Puyo, and spent months fighting dirty impulses after I glimpsed a photograph of Sony's new PSP handheld", continued Professor Belt.
In a bid to stem the tide of game-related deaths, Professor Belt has established the Institute of Videogame Hysteria and Associated Disorders, a residential clinic for people whose lives have been ruined by videogames. "We have a broad range of patients, from a man who thinks Pac-Man comes to his bedroom window at nights, and limply bangs against it, to a girl who became addicted to Silent Hill and can't leave the house without taking an un-tuned radio with her. Incredibly, she thinks it'll start hissing at her whenever danger approaches. "Another patient spent four hours playing Ico, then kicked his wife in the
(Cont. page 194)
History's Most Evil Videogame Fans
According to some experts, the Mongol warlord was said to be the greatest Eternal Champions player in all of Ancient Asia. Unfortunately, Khan spent so much time on the Mega Drive beat 'em up that he was said to be terrible at most other games. When beaten on Fighters Megamix by his grandson Kubla, Ghengis flew into a terrible rage
Four days later, western Xia was a bloody wasteland.
Jack The Ripper
Though Jack The Ripper remains a mystery, the Victorian serial-killer left several clues as to his identity. The body of his first victim, Mary Ann Nichols, may have been covered with pages of a videogame magazine, whilst prostitute Annie Chapman was probably discovered with a joypad stuffed in her mouth.
Though only a fictional character, had Davros - Doctor Who's arch-nemesis - actually existed, it's likely he'd have taken his inspiration for his evil Dalek army from any number of videogames.
Institute of Videogame Hysteria and Associated Disorders: Patient Questionnaire
Name: Edward Shoe
Patient Number: 243/F
Q1. Which of the following reactions are you most likely to experience after playing Metal Gear Solid?
a) A sense of well-being and satisfaction.
b) Mild anxiety.
c) An urge to hide in a box and fondle your bottom, whilst thinking about stabbing any number of your old school teachers.
Q2. You have placed a pre-order for Metroid Prime 2. Unfortunately, when you arrive to collect the game you are told they are out of stock. Do you:
a) Ask to speak to the manager?
b) Roll around on the floor, thrashing yourself with a knotted rope, whilst screaming about the evil crow who lives in your head?
c) Very calmly pull out a garden rake, and use it to start smashing apart everything in the shop.
Q3. Which of these peripherals do you own?
a) A wireless joypad.
b) A lightgun.
c) A dead sheep nailed to your PS2.
Q4. Who usually buys your games?
b) Your parents.
c) The Dark God Maelevolence.
Q5. When you were young, which of these activities was your preferred pastime?
a) Playing videogames.
b) Torturing your friends' pets by getting them to dance on heated sheets of metal.
c) Both of the above, in that order.
Q6. Your friend beats you at Halo. Do you:
a) Congratulate him on his victory?
b) Run off crying.
c) Hold him down, and press a faeces-stained rag over his face until he stops struggling?
Top Ten All Formats - December 1984
10. Hungry Horace Gets Audited - ZX Spectrum
9. Pac-Mon 3D - ZX Spectrum
8. Dratsab Attack 3D - ZX Spectrum
7. Zola Budd Manager - Commodore 64
6. Jet Set Luna Solar Pac Patrol Hunter - ZX Spectrum
5. Maria Whittaker's Nudeathlon 3D - ZX Spectrum
4. Auf Wiedersehen Pet 3D - Commodore 64
3. Flopsy Bunny's Big 3D Adventure - ZX Spectrum
2. Donkey Kang - Commodore 64
1. Magnum P.I. - BBC Model B
Top Ten All Formats - December 1994
10. Super Hyper Street Fighter II: Mega Thrust Kick Face Edition - SNES
9. Epilepsius - Mega Drive
8. Subliminal Violence Inducer 4 - Mega Drive
7. Extreme Badminton - Mega CD
6. Sonic Tea Party - Mega Drive
5. Galactic Chess Extreme - SNES
4. Bra Hunter CD - Mega CD
3. Ronald McDonald: Quest For The Salt - Mega Drive
2. Extreme Shove Ha'Penny '94 - SNES/Mega Drive
1. Super Duper Street Fighter II: Ultra Thrust Punch Neck Edition - Mega Drive
Top Ten All Formats - December 2004
10. Pokémon: Pumice Grey - GBA
9. Vietnam: Torch The G***s - Multi
8. Tony Hawk's Demographically Researched Gnarly Skateboarding 2 - Multi
7. RapeMaster - PS2
6. Pokémon: Faded Brown - GBA
5. FIFA 2005 - Multi
4. This Is A Football Game 2004 - PS2
3. FIFA 2012 - Multi
2. Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing 2005 - PC
1. Magnum P.I. - Multi
Do you know of any important moments from the annals of Digi history that have been omitted? If so, then mail me (firstname.lastname@example.org) right now, man. Credit will be duly given for anything that gets put up.