Working Class Chef
6 July 2000 - WORKING CLASS CHEF
I've got a new job as a pretend working class chef, presenting my own TV show. The series is called The Explicit Cook, and though I'm not essentially explicit, in one episode I accidentally do something with a courgette that looks a bit rude!
However, for the most part I simply make up my recipes as I go along, and last night I made a really pukka cake out of a balloon covered with vinegar, and with a couple of feathers glued to the side. Unfortunately, when I came back later to eat the cake it had been stolen by a mysterious sorcerer!
7 July 2000 - WORKING CLASS CHEF
It's real good fun presenting my new TV show, The Explicit Cook. On last night's show I demonstrated how to boil an octopus in petrol. Unfortunately, I made a couple of mistakes - namely that I shouldn't have tried to boil an octopus in petrol - and I set fire to the kitchen, and most of the film crew.
Luckily, only a few of them bought it, and one of those was just a researcher. However, I generously donated a cheesecake and an old meringue to the bereaved families.
10 July 2000 - WORKING CLASS CHEF
I've been inundated with fan mail since I begun my new TV show, The Explicit Cook. Viewers have responded with particular affection for my working-class, man-on-the-street presenting style.
To further endear myself to ordinary people, I have taken to dressing as a chimney sweep, and speaking in an accent that veers wildly from Cornish to Cockney, while referring to, say, courgettes as "geezers", and quail's eggs as "dodgy jubblies".
11 July 2000 - WORKING CLASS CHEF
It's a whole lot of fun being a "Mockney" TV chef, called The Explicit Cook. The thing that my viewers most appreciate, is that my recipes can be done with stuff that you find just lying around the house.
For instance, take my "Bacon Wrap". You just get a bit of bacon, chop it up, slap it in the pan. Luvvly. Then you get some of whatever's lying around, pegs, salt, pencils - if you haven't got pencils, you can use pens - and you just slap it in, cook it up. Pukka, mate. That'll feed, what, four geezers.