The New Father Christmas
16/12/96-20/12/96
16 December 1996 - THE NEW FATHER CHRISTMAS
Trying to get a load of elves to build toys is like asking a dog to draw his own face without ever having seen it. I've no idea how the old Father Christmas managed it.
For instance, last night I ordered the elves to package up a consignment of Speak and Spell machines for Israel. They got it completely wrong, and packaged up a load of Feel and Fly machines, which were destined for the Dominican Republic. Suffice to say I sprayed pepper in their faces.
19 December 1996 - THE NEW FATHER CHRISTMAS
I was rather surprised to discover that the engineer responsible for building my amazing flying sleigh is a crocodile called Jack Sleet. I was talking to him for half an hour last night before realising who he was. He kept saying "I built your sleigh. I built your sleigh".
I thought he was saying "I bet you're Slade" and just kept shaking my head and laughing. He eventually got really frustrated and bit through an electic cable. He was killed instantly.
20 December 1996 - THE NEW FATHER CHRISTMAS
With only four days to go until Christmas Eve, I've been out with my reindeer learning to fly my sleigh. The reindeer are called Jon, Ralphy-Boy, Chol-Chol, Upton, Masters and Crim.
We took the sleigh out over Norway, and I practised dropping presents down chimneys by hurling bags of bricks through church steeples. We were only spotted once, by a priest who fired a gun at us. To preserve our mystique I lobotomised him with a pair of spoons.
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