Surgeon's Assistant
3/6/95-12/6/95
3 June 1995 - SURGEON'S ASSISTANT
I'm still working in the hospital. However, I've been given a new job assisting the cosmetic surgeon, Rory Barstons.
It's not too nice. We had to graft some dice onto someone's face last night. It was only when they came to that we realised our mistake.
We were supposed to have grafted diced HAM on to make them look stronger.
6 June 1995 - SURGEON'S ASSISTANT
I'm a little worried about Dr Barstons. He stays up late, locked in his surgery, and he's bought an enormous play pen.
I'm worried he might be attempting to create life in there.
You see, he's made a humanoid figurine out of boxes, and filled them with lamb chops. The play pen must be to keep the creature amused.
7 June 1995 - SURGEON'S ASSISTANT
I was right - Dr Barstons has created life!
He calls his creation Dan-normous. He's sewn gloves on to the top of his head, so it looks like he's got hair.
Other features include: a mouth made out of sausages, a back made out of an old tin bath, a foot fashioned from a phone, hands formed from cans, and a chest-cannon made out of plastic.
8 June 1995 - SURGEON'S ASSISTANT
Dr Barstons' monster has come to life!
After we shot him full of volts, Dan-normous sat up, and said "I, Dave, would like a new head!"
Then he fell off the trolley, and rolled out of the door. We watched from the window, and he rolled on down the stairs, and out into the street. He kept on rolling out of town.
9 June 1995 - SURGEON'S ASSISTANT
Dr Barstons and I have been looking for his escaped monster.
We heard he'd been causing trouble at a fun fair. Apparently, he'd tried to get onto the waltzer without paying.
When the attendant threatened to call the police, the monster doused the man's caravan with a dry riser.
10 June 1995 - SURGEON'S ASSISTANT
Dr Barstons and I cornered the monster in an old abandoned sweet shop.
We used the old "mirrors and water" trick to create the illusion that the monster's arm was spinning out of control.
He got so confused that he lashed out at a shelf of cola cubes, and nearly fell over a box of liquorice whistlers. Then, we threw a sherbert bench at him.
12 June 1995 - SURGEON'S ASSISTANT
Dr Barstons and I were summoned to the high court at the weekend, to attend an inquest into our monster's actions.
Speaking through an amplified fuzz box, Barstons blamed the whole thing on me, claiming I created the monster to enact my revenge on the makers of Please Sir!
Before I could defend myself, the judge sentenced me to 1374 years in Borstal.
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