Salesman

29 April 1999 - SALESMAN

I've got a new job as a dust-sheet salesman. I drive around the streets in my van, which plays "Greensleaves" from a speaker. I stop from time to time to sell my dust-sheets to crowds of eager children.

I'm not sure why, but some of the customers get confused when I hand over the sheets. It's almost as if they're expecting something else...

Yesterday a child asked for a "screwball" and another asked for a "99 with a flake". What's going on?

30 April 1999 - SALESMAN

Yesterday evening I parked my dust-sheet van outside a school, believing that the crowds of waiting mothers would jump at the chance to snap up my low-cost, high-quality cotton sheeting.

Unfortunately, I had a bit of a row with an ice-cream man, who accused me of trying to take over his pitch. On-lookers gathered as the ice-cream man demonstrated his displeasure by launching a volley of Magnum ices through my sales window. I countered this assualt by spitting at him and bursting his tyres.

1 May 1999 - SALESMAN

I can't believe how popular dust-sheets are in this town. I don't doubt for a second that my life running a mobile dust-sheet shop will bring me the quality of life I've always longed for.

Last night I sold four dust-sheets at fifty pence each to an Arab lady on the estate, then after that I sold another dust-sheet to an elderly gentleman, and after that sold another two dust-sheets to other people. I almost earned enough money to pay for my petrol! If sales continue at this pace I'll soon be able to pay for my petrol!

3 May 1999 - SALESMAN

Optimism that my mobile dust-sheet business would be a success proved short-lived. Last night someone broke into my van and soiled my entire stock of dust-sheets with a fine, grey, almost dust-like powder.

I called the police, but they weren't particularly interested and told me that they had enough to do catching the real criminals. This led me to believe the police had information that the fiend responsible for the soiling was in some way an unreal criminal, such as a dalek, the Winkster, or Hamburglar

4 May 1999 - SALESMAN

I've had to sell my mobile dust-sheet selling business after I was undercut 50% by a rival dust-sheet salesman, who drove around town in a joke car shaped like a big bird's nest. Also, he was dressed like a crow. I simply don't have the resources to compete with that kind of gimmick marketing.

Nevertheless, I have successfully doctored some photos of my rival, which appear to show him stealing some sweets from the newsagents, and invading Poland in 1939. I intend to hand this evidence to the police.

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