Posh Waiter
21/3/97-26/3/97
21 March 1997 - POSH WAITER
I've got a new job as a waiter in a posh hotel. It's a nightmare I tells you! The posh idiots in here treat me like dirt, and then think it's funny to tip me in francs.
Some old girl ordered steak the other day, and when I delivered it she insisted I'd accidentally brought out a duck - a living duck! I pointed out the way the brown, meaty steak sort of just lay there on the plate and sizzled, but she said she could see it looking at her and quacking.
22 March 1997 - POSH WAITER
I got in trouble with my boss last night, for pouring soup into a diner's hat. I didn't mean to do it, but as I approached his table, the old man suddenly lashed out with a rapier, and nearly cut my leg in half. I stumbled, and ended up spilling the soup into his bonnet.
He didn't notice until he got up to leave, and started punching his hat because he was cross about something. The soup went everywhere.
24 March 1997 - POSH WAITER
I had a fight with the head chef last night, and ended up contaminating the kitchens. We started arguing about whether Paul Daniels was really short, or whether he simply stood further back from the cameras than most people.
The chef, who thought it was the latter, became consumed by rage and started hitting me across the chest with a tray of liver. I defended myself by throwing a can of trapped germs at him. I missed, and the germs escaped.
25 March 1997 - POSH WAITER
We had the environmental health people in last night. They've drawn up a list of 5,041 breaches of health regulations made by the hotel.
The improvements we must make within the next three days include: remove the broken bidet from the kitchens, brick up the open latrine in the kitchens, stop using the toilets as a larder, remove the rotting bear from the dining area, destroy the bee hive in the oven.
It will cost the hotel £45 billion.
26 March 1997 - POSH WAITER
In an effort to draw more people into the hotel dining area, I've come up with a list of unique special offers.
If guests spend more than fourteen pounds, we present them with a free, damp towel. If they spend more than fifteen pounds, they get two free wet towels, and a dry handkerchief. If they spend more than thirty pounds, I invite them to come and live with me for a year in a big teepee.
We'll be Red Indians!
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