23 October 1996 - MEDIEVAL ALCHEMIST
I'm finally out of prison, and contemplating a new life as a medieval alchemist. I've already bought a small tower on a plot of moorland.
I've even had a commission from the local council, who want me to transform a couple of puddles into mercury, and a curry into a plate of sultanas! I tried to explain there would be problems with the curry because it already contained sultanas, but they weren't listening.
25 October 1996 - MEDIEVAL ALCHEMIST
I've only been an alchemist for a couple of days, but I've already had an accident.
The mayor paid me a visit last night to bless my business, and I got so excited I spilt my magic sauce all over his frock.
He wasn't too bothered at first, but as I tried to wipe it off I noticed the material was beginning to change. Within 10 minutes the mayor was wearing clothes made of drumskin.