1 February 2000 - LORRY DRIVER
I've got a new job as a long-distance lorry driver. Let me tell you, I see some very strange things while on the road. You see, sleep deprivation mixed with excessive caffeine consumption has led me to experience intense hallucinations.
Last night, while delivering a consignment of facepaints, I thought the road had become a mobius strip, and that I was driving towards infinity. My lorry had become a silver womb and my hands were like flippers. Imagine my surprise when it turned out not to be a hallucination after all!
2 February 2000 - LORRY DRIVER
One of the worst things about being a long-distance lorry driver is the rivalry. I hadn't realised this, but identical shipments of goods can be given to as many as four drivers. The one who arrives at his destination first gets paid, and the others are forced to eat their shipments.
That's not too bad when it's a shipment of cake, but last night I delivered medical supplies to a small village near the Himalayas. It was easy enough to down the penicillin, but it took me an hour to finish the sharps.
3 February 2000 - LORRY DRIVER
I get asked to deliver all sorts of funny things in my new job as a long-distance lorry driver. For instance, last night I had to drive a porpoise to Leeds. I had expected the address I was given to be a zoo, or porpoise sanctuary, but when I arrived it turned out to be a glue factory.
I hesitated before taking the porpoise inside, believing he was going to end up in a pot of glue. You can imagine my relief when it turned out that the factory owner merely wanted him stuffed and hung on the ceiling of his office.
4 February 2000 - LORRY DRIVER
My lorry broke down last night, and I found myself stranded in the strangest place of all time: The Village Of The Damned! Unlike the fictional Village Of The Damned, in which people were killed, or something, the residents of the real Village Of The Damned are "damned if they do, and damned if they don't"!
Nevertheless, there's quite a nice pub in the village, run by a one-legged former pirate, who has replaced the customary pirate parrot with a cockerel. Actually, I just made all of that up...
5 February 2000 - LORRY DRIVER
I hadn't realised this before, but reading through my long-distance lorry driver's handbook, I see that there is an official lorry drivers' anthem. Here's how it goes.
Driving on the motorway,
In the dead of night,
Round go our big wheels,
Giving (hedge)hogs a fright.
Big wheels going round so fast,
Fast as lightning - very fast!
Very fast indeed,
Round, round, round... round.
7 February 2000 - LORRY DRIVER
I think I'm going to have to stop being a long-distance lorry driver now. You see, my lorry was stolen six weeks ago, and ever since I've been ferrying the goods on foot.
This wouldn't be so bad if I was asked to deliver, say, a couple of newspapers, but yesterday I had a shipment of concrete and thorns which had to be in Luton by 12. I managed the delivery with minutes to spare, but by the time I'd arrived my clothes were shredded and most of my limbs were either broken or dirty.