The Man With A Long Chin's Diary




27 November 1997 - INVENTOR

I've got a new job now as an inventor. My first invention is the Automatic Correction Pen. It's basically a normal felt tip pen, but the top of it has a heavy lead weight attached.

You see, you write with the pen as normal, but because of the weight it takes much longer to write things. Therefore, you'll have a lot longer to spot mistakes - while they're happening. This may sound impractical, but I assure you it's a boon!

28 November 1997 - INVENTOR

I've just patented my latest invention: Black-Faced Soap On A Rope! It's just like normal joke black-face soap - wash with it and powders are released which stain your skin - but the clever part is that it resembles a traditional Soap On A Rope.

As an added novelty the Black-Faced Soap On A Rope comes in the shape of a pop singer's microphone, or a boxing glove, thus adding to the "prankster's deception". It's a boon!

29 November 1997 - INVENTOR

My latest invention is a must for the single guy about town - or should I say it's a MUSK?! You see, my new invention is the Musk-Spraying Bearskin Hat. Modelled on the actual hats worn by the Queen's Cold Cream Guards, the Bearskin - or Busby - contains a mechanical spraying device fitted with musk.

If a sexy lady walks by, the wearer of the hat must yell "MUSK-HER" and the lady gets a lung-full of musk, instantly attracting her to the man.

1 December 1997 - INVENTOR

I've been up all night perfecting my new invention, which is a new sort of car that runs on socks. Inside the bonnet of the car is a pygmy, who has been raised by me from birth. The pygmy's legs are hooked up to a dynamo, and whenever I give him a sock or two - which I have raised him to believe are a precious metal - he gets over-exicted and starts to shake.

His vibrations go into the dynamo, thus powering the car. The pygmy's name is Digby Pygmy.

2 December 1997 - INVENTOR

My latest and greatest invention is the fashion pocket garment. It looks like a stylish 1970s, Paul Weller-style skinny-fit T-shirt, but running parallel down the front of the shirt are two rows of pockets.

Sealed with metal poppers and flaps, these pockets are ideal for storing gum, coins, hankies, bullets or monkey nuts - and they're in easy reach for immediate access. I've already had a favourable reaction from one possible endorsee. It's Paul Weller, of course!

3 December 1997 - INVENTOR

My new, and possibly final, invention is Super-Fuel! I've discovered that if you burn things you find around the house, such as chairs, tables, curtains and food and stuff, you can generate as much heat as several radiators, or "rads".

I intend to package up lumps of chair, curtains and that in boxes, and sell it as Super-Fuel. Not only is Super-Fuel hot, but it's enviromentally friendly: once you've burnt it, the only rubbish is some ash - it's a boon!

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