The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Deep Sea Fisherman/King Of Atlantis


8 September 1999 - DEEP SEA FISHERMAN

I've got a new job now, working as a deep sea fisherman. It's quite a good job, but my colleagues on the boat are giving me a rough time of it because I'm the new boy. A few nights ago we reeled in a big catch of fish and crabs, and as part of my initiation into the crew I was made to pretend one of the fish was my mother.

They made me maintain this pretence for two hours, and even forced me to weep when the fish died. I wouldn't mind, but I did such a good job of convincing myself with the matriachal fish, that I continue to mourn two days later.

9 September 1999 - DEEP SEA FISHERMAN

Working on a fishing boat is a lot of hard work, and my attempts to catch fish and stuff aren't helped much by the crazy behaviour of my crewmates. Last night they sat up until the early hours tattooing a couple of sprats.

I tried to join in the fun, but they closed the cabin door and told me to go and eat my dinner. I protested that I'd finished my dinner hours earlier, but I was ignored. I later attempted to ingratiate myself into their ranks by drawing on a cod with a felt tip pen, but this just seemed to annoy them.

10 September 1999 - DEEP SEA FISHERMAN

I awoke on our fishing boat this morning to find my bunk full of sprats. I immediately leapt out of bed and quizzed my crewmates, but they denied any involvement, despite whispering and giggling among themselves.

I tried to remove the sprats from my bed, but the captain of our vessel ordered me to stop, explaining that these were migrating sprats, and that they'd clearly chosen my bunk as a nest while they have babies. He refused to listen to my protest, and ended the conversation by throwing coffee at me.

11 September 1999 - DEEP SEA FISHERMAN

I've had to leave my job as a deep sea fisherman, after my crewmates drugged me, put a bag over my head, and pushed me overboard. However, I have been declared the new king of Atlantis, the undersea kingdom.

Things are a whole lot different here. Firstly, everything is very wet. Secondly, there are no birds, but "fish" - creatures which literally "fly" through the water.

Finally, as I write this I'm finding it increasingly difficult to breathe, and conclude that I might be drowning.

13 September 1999 - KING OF ATLANTIS

I am the new king of Atlantis. In my capacity as ruler of this vast undersea kingdom, it is my job to approve new laws proposed by my Prime Minister, a pufferfish called Gervase Le X.

Unfortunately, last night Ursula the Sea Witch cast a spell on me which made me eat The Honourable Gervase Le X for my dinner. This has resulted in a constitutional crisis. I certainly hadn't expected any of these sort of problems when I was crowned king less than 24 hours ago.

14 September 1999 - KING OF ATLANTIS

In my capacity as the King Of Atlantis, I am required to approve new types of trident. Unfortunately I find going over the blueprints to be overwhelmingly dull. I have suggested to my underlings that we should invent some sort of underwater guns, given that the average trident is no match for depth charges and that.

I illustrated my point by jumping around my throne room, making exlposion noises. My underlings merely watched with weary disdain, and returned their attentions to a new type of trident with built-in airhorn.

15 September 1999 - KING OF ATLANTIS

I have been overthrown by an army of anarchist urchins. As they stormed the palace, I protested that dethroning me would make no difference to the ebb and flow of the tide, that fish would still swim, and limpets would still cling to rocks.

I tried to explain that the sea is governed not by our rules, but by it's own set of rules. I said how the sea rules us - not vice versa.

Unfortunately, at this point my trousers fell down, which slightly lessened the impact of my speech.

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