8 April 1999 - WINDMILL INSPECTOR
I've got a new job as a windmill inspector. It's my job to travel the length and breadth of this insipid isle to ensure it's windmills aren't falling into disrepair due to neglect from the cider-drenched locals who run them.
I visited one windmill and wasn't even allowed access. The local stayed at the top of the windmill, threatening me with a sack of oats. He said he would drop them on my chest if I didn't address him as "The Drake". I did as he asked, but he just disappeared inside.
9 April 1999 - WINDMILL INSPECTOR
I visited a very special windmill last night called The Windmill Of The Apes. You see, this particular windmill was run by a family of escaped circus monkeys. The head of the family is a big monkey called Russel, who is married (possibly) to a slightly smaller monkey called G-LOC.
Russel and G-LOC have several children - all monkeys - called Spirit, Smokey, Pokey, Dipesh, Derek, Manish and Tom. Suffice to say, the windmill was in a terrible state of disrepair.
10 April 1999 - WINDMILL INSPECTOR
I had to issue my first ever "windmill repair order" last night, on a windmill near Leeds, which was so run-down that it more resembled a broken down windmill, than one in full working order.
The owner was one Peter "Swingometer" Snow, the presenter of Tomorrow's World. Unfortunately, Snow was not at home when I called, as he was in London filming. I waited until after the show had finished, but he must've gotten "wind" of my presence because he never... "Snowed" up!
12 April 1999 - WINDMILL INSPECTOR
I think I'm going to have to stop being a windmill inspector now. It's only my fourth day on the job and I've already inspected every windmill in Britain - some of them as many as five times.
I've already contacted the British Institute Of Windmills about returning my special windmill inspector's silver cape and cone-shaped hat, but I'm going to hang onto the wand for a bit longer and see if they say anything. You see - it's really "wand"-erful!