The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Survival Guide


17 October 1997 - SURVIVAL GUIDE

My lesson today will teach you how to survive an attack from The Chuckle Brothers.

There are any number of reasons why The Chuckles would attack. For instance you may have inadvertantly mouthed off about their birds, or accidentally asked why they're still presenting children's television when they're evidently 95 years old. My advice is to adopt an open-palm approach, and try to keep them talking while you simultaneously run away.

18 October 1997 - SURVIVAL GUIDE

Today's survival lesson will show you how to survive if you get trapped in a shoe shop, or shoe department of a large store, such as those found in Debenhams.

Firstly: don't panic. In any dangerous situation, panicking is just likely to make you more scared than you already are. Secondly: eat some shoes. Thirdly: find something to drink. Lastly, I recommend that you try to escape, or wait until someone comes to rescue you.

22 October 1997 - SURVIVAL GUIDE

Survivalists - always remember your country code:

1) DON'T attack the farmer.

2) DON'T break the farmer's gate, or mess about with his hay.

3) DON'T drive over the farmer's crops in your Vauxhall Astra.

4) DO be nice to the farmer.

5) NEVER try to frame the farmer for assault and battery.

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