Super Hero

11 July 1997 - SUPER-HERO

I've got a new job now as a super-hero. My name is Captain Foam, because I can spray foam out of the bottoms of my trousers.

My arch-enemy is a man called Dave Pacey, who lives at the bottom of my road. He drives a grey Vauxhall Astra with only one functioning headlight. The fiend doesn't care that this probably violates road safety regulations. I'm gonna get him, and make sure he pays. For a new headlight to be fitted.

12 July 1997 - SUPER-HERO

I've finally ended the reign of terror brought about by the malfunctioning headlight on the car of my arch-enemy, Dave Pacey.

I confronted him about the headlight in the street, and secretly taped him saying "I don't care what you think about my headlight". When I informed him that he might hit a cyclist he replied, "Good", and walked away. I reported him to the police immediately, and then threw a stone-filled sock through his living room window.

14 July 1997 - SUPER-HERO

I've set up my own super-HQ in a tent at the bottom of my garden. I've asked some superhero acquaintances of mine if they'd like to form a crime-fighting team.

First off there's Richard Gaynor, whose power is being able to turn his eyelids inside out. His brother Stu has no feeling in the left-hand side of his body, so I've asked him to join, too. Finally, there's Mark Foxton, who doesn't have any super-powers, but he's really good at cricket.

15 July 1997 - SUPER-HERO

My super-hero team has stopped its first crime. We went on patrol last night in my red Ford Sierra, and spotted a couple of blokes kicking a wall.

We leapt out of the car and ordered them to stop, but one of them remarked: "We're just waiting for a bus, man." My colleagues took this as their cue to act, and smothered the man with a duvet. We dragged him into a car, and drove to a patch of wasteground. Rest assured, we taught him some manners.

18 July 1997 - SUPER-HERO

I've finally tracked down the villain who's been going around putting chewed bubble gum "noses" on posters. For years this fiend has been chewing gum, then spitting it out, forming it into the shape of a nose, and affixing it to the faces of people in adverts.

I can tell you, I got a bit of a shock when I found out who was doing it - it was me! Apparently, I've been suffering selective amnesia. Suffice to say, I handed myself into the police.

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