Secret Agent
18/11/96 - 23/11/96
18 November 1996 - SECRET AGENT
My spy boss has sent me on my first mission - tracking down a consignment of stolen whisky and advocaat.
I tracked the stolen spirits as far as Leeds, when I got really tired and fell asleep behind a bin. When I woke up someone had stolen my trousers and my shoes were missing! I eventually found a tramp wearing the trousers, and he told me that he'd eaten the shoes. I chased him for six miles until I fell asleep again.
19 November 1996 - SECRET AGENT
The life of a spy is more exciting than any other type of life I can imagine.
I was on a mission last night behind the Iron Curtain. I was due to meet my contact in front of a gate near a farm, but after waiting an hour I realised that he hadn't specified which farm. For the next couple of hours I wandered around trying to find the correct farm when it dawned on me that I wasn't even sure which country I was supposed to be in.
20 November 1996 - SECRET AGENT
My spymasters have sent me on a mission to escort an attractive thug to safety.
The thug is carrying secret info' in his brain relating to a new type of sweetie he is thinking of inventing. My spymasters want to ensure they try it before anyone else.
I'm due to meet the thug at a nightclub tonight, and ask him if the sweetie will taste nice. If he says yes, I'm expected to take him back to my bosses' house and have a dance with him.
22 November 1996 - SECRET AGENT
I've been asked to go on a mission with a beautiful Russian agent called Mrs Vladimir Amadeus Le Boogie.
Together we're to track down the hidden base of the evil megalomaniac Gary Kemp (no relation). Kemp is believed to have a hidden base somewhere down the high street, possibly above Kwik Save or Thomas Cook. Our plan is to infiltrate his base by posing as a pair of fops who wish to enter his house to smell his carpet and that.
23 November 1996 - SECRET AGENT
My life as a spy is over. I have been forced to resign following the disastrous outcome of my last mission.
I was expected to put an end to the evil ways of the megalomaniacal Ronson Buff, who lives in an old post office by a river. I arrived at the post office by boat, climbed out went up to the front door and let myself in. Unfortunately, Buff was waiting for me in the hall, and upon my entrance began huffing and puffinf like he was going to explode. I was so scared I ran away.
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