Safari Park Monkey

21 May 1998 - SAFARI PARK MONKEY

I’ve got a new job working as one of those monkeys you get in safari parks . It’s my job to sit on a rock with other monkeys and, when a car drives though our paddock, to jump on the bonnet and do monkey stuff.

Yesterday I ripped the windscreen wipers off a Vauxhall Astra. When the owner tried to shoo me off his bonnet with a newspaper, I hissed at him and left my scent on his windscreen. The other monkeys aren’t sure what to make of a naked grown man doing this stuff.

22 May 1998 - SAFARI PARK MONKEY

On the whole I like being a safari park monkey, but I don't like it when visitors tease me. Yesterday, for instance, a child in a car held his lolly up against the car window and invited me to take a lick. I tried to do this, but became frustrated by the glass.

The child then wound the window down a fraction and threw something out. I suspected it might be a sweet, but it was actually a sweet wrapper. I reached into the car, pulled the boy's hair, and then slashed the tyres.

23 May 1998 - SAFARI PARK MONKEY

It's not too bad being a safari park monkey, but I don't think the real monkeys know what to make of me. Yesterday, a pack of them were menacing a family in a Ford Mondeo, but when I jumped over and ran my buttocks across the bonnet, the monkeys just legged it.

I stood there for a few moments wondering what to do next. When the driver of the car honked his horn at me, I lost my temper, smashed in one of the side windows with a branch, and threw a load of gravel in his lap.

25 May 1998 - SAFARI PARK MONKEY

I got into trouble with the keepers at this safari park yesterday. Apparently, sitting by a tree drinking gin and smoking cigars isn’t appropriate behavior for a safari park monkey.

If that was the case, I asked them, then why didn’t they get a real monkey to do the job? They thought about it for a few moments, and then just started hitting me about the buttocks with rolled-up newspapers. By the end of the whacking session my backside looked like two beetroots. Again.

26 May 1998 - SAFARI PARK MONKEY

There was a bit of trouble yesterday when I fell through the fabric roof of a convertible car I’d been menacing. The owners have threatened to sue the Safari park owners for the fright they got.

I did point out to my employers that had it been a real - and significantly lighter - monkey on the car roof it’s unlikely that this whole nasty incident would’ve occurred. They weren’t having any of it however. I was told to go and have a shower, and then get back to they monkey enclosure.

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