Punch And Judy

26 November 1998 - PUNCH AND JUDY

I've got a new job now as a Punch And Judy man. Every morning I set my little puppet theatre up on the beach, and entertain crowds of children.

Unfortunately, my finances have yet to stretch to puppets, so to date my performance has been of a more avant garde nature: I call it the Fist and Palmy show. I've developed individual mannerisms for both characters: Palmy is morose and melancholic, while Fist is outwardly upbeat, but deep down he's wracked by an inner guilt and crippling insecuritites.

27 November 1998 - PUNCH AND JUDY

I quite like being a Punch And Judy man, but I think I picked the wrong time of year to begin. Last night my tiny theatre-cum-tent got rained out and the paint washed off of Mrs Punch's face, leaving long red and pink streaks.

As a result, my subsequent performance turned into a brutal morality play on the terror of domestic violence. While this would be appropriate for Channel 4, it was slightly less appropriate for my audience of six-year-olds. I received eighteen complaints.

29 November 1998 - PUNCH AND JUDY

Last night I took part in the National Punch And Judy Championship. I had an extra-special routine worked out, which should have culminated with Punch questioning the origins of the universe. At this point I was to jump up and reveal myself.

It all went well, up until the point where I had to reveal myself: I leapt out from behind the booth, but my belt snapped and my trousers fell down as I shouted: "That's the way to do it!". I was arrested, and subsequently charged with indecency.

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