The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Pearly Gatekeeper


21 August 1998 - PEARLY GATEKEEPER

I've got a new job now, replacing Saint Michael, or whoever it was, as the angel who stands at the Pearly Gates admitting people to Heaven. At this point, however, I'd like to raise the issue of the Pearly Gates themselves, which are not so much pearly, and a sort of metallic silver.

While I won't let this misnomer affect my work, I do feel something of a fraud when I welcome people to the Pearly Gates, when the gates don't even look 10% pearly.

25 August 1998 - PEARLY GATEKEEPER

I got into trouble with Archangel Batterstein last night, for spitting over the edge of Heaven onto the heads of people coming up Jacob's Ladder.

Apparently, this isn't the behaviour expected of a Pearly Gatekeeper. I explained that I was bored out of my mind welcoming dead people into the Afterlife all day long, and that I'd do my job a lot better if they gave me a bottle of gin and some nude playing cards, but Batterstein just threatened to send me to Hell.

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