27 September 1996 - ENGLISH TEACHER
I've become so overwhelmed by the death of the club's barman, Carlos, that I've decided to quit my job as a bouncer.
My new career is as an English teacher in a far off land. This probably sounds a little boring, but I've already made plans to spice up the lives of those nutty natives: I'm going to teach English wearing a crazy hat!
Talk about The Three "Rs"!
28 September 1996 - ENGLISH TEACHER
Teaching English in a foreign country is driving me crazy. It's so hot lessons have to be held outside - in a rivet! Underwater!
Also, lunch times are utterly mad. I have to queue up with my class outside the witch doctor's hut and coo gently until the funny little man throws us some bananas or coconuts.
We then have to jar them without using our hands.
30 September 1996 - OVERSEAS TEACHER
Because one of my fellow teachers died of malaria, I've been asked to teach his physics class.
Unfortunately, the pupils are so backwards that they don't even understand gravity, a fact which was proved when several of them leapt to their deaths from the top of my car.
I chose to educate them in matters of combustion by setting fire to a gate.
2 October 1996 - OVERSEAS TEACHER
I sense I'm starting to lose control of my class. Yesterday, during a home economics lesson, two of the pupils cooked a pie in the shape of a nightclub.
When I broke the pie open with my fist, I was bitten on the throat by a baby crocodile hidden inside. I tried to punish the boys for their actions, but they just laughed and made threatening gestures with their eyes.
4 October 1996 - OVERSEAS TEACHER
Predictably, I've quit my job as a teacher at a foreign school. The final straw came during a PE lesson.
I was having the children throw a medicine ball to each other, when one particularly unruly pupil tore the leather skin open and drank the medicine inside!
That was bad enough, but then he started break-dancing and dissing my fly-girl.