Modern Artist

5 March 1997 - MODERN ARTIST

After my days of torment at the hands of medieval torture men, I've been released. To help me recover, I've got a new job as an artist.

I intend to outrage the art world with my controversial and unusual pieces. I call my first work "Hen Show". It's essentially four live hens running around in a Citroen, with a couple of dead rats in the boot. That's fairly radical, but get this: on the bonnet of the car will be a nude butcher doing breakdancing. He symbolises television.

6 March 1997 - MODERN ARTIST

For my latest work, I've filled a pre-fab council house with monkeys, and invited a load of bakers to come and have a look.

Then, as the bakers stand there gawping at the antics of the little hairy guys, I'm going to burst their eardrums with a piercing scream. Hopefully, I'll have caught all this on video. I intend to play the tape back on 14 TVs glued to the side of a coach, which I'm going to drive over the Dover cliffs. It symbolises lust.

7 March 1997 - MODERN ARTIST

I've been nominated for a posh art award for my latest masterpiece. I call it "Dogs and Dolls".

I've irradiated a load of mongrels and put them in a crate on top of a sport shop. Then, I've scattered a load of dolls around the floor of the shop, and taken a picture of it. Critics have hailed it as a masterpiece, but they don't seem to realise that I'm just working out my inner demons.

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