Medieval Torture Victim

28 February 1997 - MEDIEVAL TORTURE VICTIM

The king got fed up with my attempts to make him laugh, so I've been thrown in the dungeon to be tortured.

I've been strapped to a device they call "Dennis the Mover". It's basically a huge barrel. The guards hang me and Dennis from the ceiling, then take it in turns to knock me down. They've got a rowing boat which they've broken into bits, and keep throwing at me. Also, one of the guards keeps throwing pogs at me.

1 March 1997 - MEDIEVAL TORTURE VICTIM

I really hate being tortured and that. Last night I could hardly sleep because of all the stuff that the guards kept doing to me.

I'd been strapped to a liferaft, which was then kicked around the room by four guards. After half a night of that, they threw a pot of grey paint over my shirt and trousers. Then, one of them wrote a powerful swear word on my wrist in lipstick. Worst of all, I was made to listen to a couple of blokes banging on a wok for twenty minutes.

3 March 1997 - MEDIEVAL TORTURE VICTIM

I've tried pleading with the guards to let me escape, but they just take it as a cue to bang me on the head with rolled-up magazines.

They've even built a giant magazine - a forty foot copy of New Scientist - which they call "Mr Bra-Bra". They've suspended it from the ceiling. Initially they wanted to swing it into my face, but it proved too heavy to push. Instead they make me run at it every twenty minutes or so.

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