Man Diary - With Prints


Is An Architect


17 April 1995 - IS AN ARCHITECT

I lost my special egg job. Now I have a new job: architect.

I've been commissioned to design a new wheel factory. My concept is to take the wheel theme. The whole building revolves at high speed around a fixed pinion. Due to intense gravimetric conditions, all staff must sit on the wall.

18 April 1995 - IS AN ARCHITECT

My next building project is a bridge.

I intend to take the bridge concept into a new dimension of fear. My bridge will consist of fourteen heated cables, which run at right angles to the road. As motorists view them, heat radiates out and busts their cars up.

21 April 1995 - IS AN ARCHITECT

I have been paid £140 to design a garage.

My radical garage concept recognises the terror that motorists feel when they think their vehicle is getting too old.

Older cars in my garage will be raced around a Wall of Death until they overheat.

22 April 1995 - IS AN ARCHITECT

My final commission is to design a library.

I say final because it is my intent to help readers overcome their fear of the written word by placing all books in a flaming underground tumulus.

The planners may also dislike my proposed shelf units, which are to stink of meths.

24 April 1995 - IS AN ARCHITECT

As predicted, I lost my job as an architect. Not because of the stupid library I built, but because I got drunk at lunchtime and drew a fox on the managing director's bonnet.

I've been dreaming about this fox ever since. He had a lovely face, and massive ears.

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