Is A Holiday Entertainer

27 March 1995 - IS A HOLIDAY ENTERTAINER

I've got a job at Bellend's holiday camp near the town of Peans.

Every morning I have to wake the campers by creeping into their rooms and splashing them with Bols. Then at breakfast I have to speed them up by running around the canteen waving a massive Roman candle at them.

28 March 1995 - IS A HOLIDAY ENTERTAINER

I've been asked to put an adult revue together for the Tropical Bar.

I plan to start the show with the snake sliding down a chute into the basin of grapes. Then a man will come on, blow a whistle three times, and eat as many grapes as he can. The show ends when some kid in a monkey suit shows off.

31 March 1995 - IS A HOLIDAY ENTERTAINER

I hosted a junior fancy dress contest in the Bendix Room last night.

One pair of lads came dressed as orcs, whilst another boy had put a bean down his top and said he was Jon "Berone". The winner was a young Scots lass. She had streaks of cider running down her face. Who was she? A madman, of course!

1 April 1995 - IS A HOLIDAY ENTERTAINER

I've done something wrong, and I have been asked to leave.

During last night's bingo, whenever a number was called out, I leapt to my feet and fired a starting pistol. Then, when the winner went up to get her money, I threw a packet of rice onto the stage. It was only rice...

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