The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Being A Barber


22 January 1996 - BEING A BARBER

I've decided to open up a barber's shop. I'm going to call it Head-Would Scissor-Cuts, which is funny, whilst at the same time communicating my intentions: to slit open men's hair.

I had trouble with my first client: I couldn't bear to touch his scalp. I pretended to cut his hair by making a "shh-shh" sound and melting it flat to his head with a heated fish-slice. He gave me £5, with a £2 tip. I made £7!

23 January 1996 - BEING A BARBER

I can't believe I'm a barber. This morning I had to shave an old man who was covered in leeches. He said he didn't want me to touch them, but I accidentally sprayed one with cologne and it dried up.

The old man was furious. He started kicking the underside of the sink and leaning right back in the chair. After a few minutes of this his jaw went slack and all the leeches fell off.

24 January 1996 - BEING A BARBER

I've been practising putting hair extensions in. It's really easy. You pull on the scalp with a hook and sew bits of wire under the muscle.

That way whenever they smile, the hair moves in a convincing manner.

My first client was Servalan out of Blake's 7, who has very short hair. The only way to attach the cables to her head was with a bracket. The end result was like something out of Minder!

25 January 1996 - BEING A BARBER

I've had my barber's licence revoked for gross misconduct. A customer complained to the Board after I threw a 'roach into his hair.

I explained that I'd been siphoning out a blockage in the sink and had sucked the bug up into my mouth. In my panic, I'd spat it out across the room.

The 'roach initially missed the client, but cannoned off a cup of oxtail and shattered against the side of his head.

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