29 November 1996 - ALIEN ABDUCTEE
I've been abducted by aliens who spent all night performing tests on me. First they pushed me into a bath of cold baked beans, and then they filled my wellington boots with custard and forced me to walk from Land's End to John O' Groats.
They told me it was all for the common good, and that by performing these tests on me they were earning hundreds of pounds for charity. How could I object after that?
30 November 1996 - ALIEN ABDUCTEE
It's no fun being abducted by aliens. They keep me locked in a tiny cell aboard their UFO. Every half an hour one of them peeks through a slit in the door and throws a coin at my head.
If it hits, the alien laughs, but if the coin misses, the floor of my cell becomes electrified and I have to hang from the light fitting until they switch the volts off. I'm not sure what all this is supposed to prove, but they seem to be enjoying themselves.