11 July 1997
Howdy, cow. I'm Phoning Honey, the telephone prank king. You know by now what I get up to. That's right: I call the game shops and tease them about something or another thing. I'm cool.
This week I've been testing the shop folk to see how kind they are. Can you guess what happened? Nor can I - and it was me who made the phone calls! Oh, boy - the names of the shops have been changed to prevent problems. Go now.
"MAGIC GAMES", SOUTH LONDON
US: Good afternoon. I can't help but wonder what your policy is on marketing.
MG: How do you mean?
US: I shall explain. You see, I represent a company called KF Promotions, and we're offering a special deal to all games shops in the area. Are you interested?
MG: I wouldn't have thought so.
US: Now hear me out, little guy. My firm will promote your business over the course of a period of time. During that period of time we will ensure your business has maximum press coverage.
MG: But it all costs money, right?
US: That's the beauty of it - this service won't cost you a penny!
MG: Well how do you make your money?
US: Money? This business is literally a licence to print money!
MG: Sorry, I still don't understand what it is you're offering us.
US: My company will reimburse you for any losses you may suffer.
MG: What losses would they be?
US: Losses incurred during our radical promotional campaign.
MG: Yes, but what sort of losses?
US: Stolen goods, damage to your property, legal fees...
MG: I'm a bit confused. You say you'll advertise my shop for nothing, but I'll need to be reimbursed for losses.
US: That's correct.
MG: Well, why will there be losses?
US: Some of our staff are a little over-enthusiastic. While we're mounting the rotating sphere on your roof there may be some structural damage. That...
MG: I can tell you now, you're not mounting anything on this shop.
US: It's not a problem. This sphere can support its own weight, and it will be emblazoned with your store logo, and, naturally, a picture of me.
MG: Is this a wind-up?
MG: Is it a Digitiser thing?
MG: Fair enough. Goodbye.
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