The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Short-Sighted Idiot


24 September 1997 - SHORT-SIGHTED IDIOT

My eyesight has deteriorated to such a point that I've become a Mr Magoo-style goon! Honestly - my vision is so poor, it's hilarious!

Last night I thought the engine of my car was on fire, but then I looked again and realised I wasn't even in my car - I was in my living room armchair, and the "engine" was my gas fire. I had to laugh. However, I didn't laugh when I later ate what I thought was a bowl of cornflakes. They were really triple-strength laxatives!

25 September 1997 - SHORT-SIGHTED IDIOT

My eyesight us terrible! I went to the shops yesterday and thought I was being attacked by a flock of crows. It turns out that I'd actually walked into a hedge. I tells you - I was scratched to pieces!

After that I went home to watch my "television", which turned out to be a cardboard box which had light playing on it from the window. I'm awful! I even went to bed last night on top of my neighbour's Vauxhall Astra. I dread to think where I went to the toilet.

26 September 1997 - SHORT-SIGHTED IDIOT

My eyesight is getting worse by the minute. Last night I went out for a hamburger, and ended up in Dolcis eating a brogue. I even swallowed a couple of laces, thinking they were extra-soggy fries.

I washed it down with a cup of root beer, which turned out to be some boot polish, and finished the meal off with an apple pie, which was really a child's sandal. I was sick to my stomach. It didn't help that I took some antacid pills - a couple of beads.

27 September 1997 - SHORT-SIGHTED IDIOT

I spent half an hour getting my eyes tested yesterday, but it turned out I was in a beauty parlour getting a full facial. It wasn't what I'd planned, but I was assured I look absolutely gorgeous now.

After this, I went to the zoo and looked at the crocodiles. I later realised that I was in a coat shop and had been watching a couple of leather jackets on the floor for half an hour. I've decided to stop being short-sighted now. It's boring.

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