The Man With A Long Chin's Diary


Fifth Teletubby


9 December 1997 - FIFTH TELETUBBY

I've got a new job as the fifth Teletubby, Franny, but it isn't half as much fun as I was hoping it'd be. For starters, the other Tubbies all make fun out of my name, and when I jokingly called Po "Poo", the four of them pushed me into a storage cupboard and knocked me about for an hour. The beating was so savage that I lost five teeth.

The ringleader seems to be Dipsy, who is quite the opposite of her on-screen persona. Not only does she drink heavily, but she swears like a trooper.

10 December 1997 - FIFTH TELETUBBY

Being a Teletubby is awful. I'm woken at 4am every morning by Tinky Winky, who smashes me round the head with his handbag - which is full of snooker balls.

La La then serves me breakfast, which is decided upon every morning by Dipsy. Some mornings it's Guinness, other mornings I have to eat a plate of raw egg yolks and soot, while the other Tubbies shout and jeer. For lunch I'm not allowed to eat anything, but the others get sandwiches. My tea is usually one of Tinky Winky's droppings.

11 December 1997 - FIFTH TELETUBBY

I think I might stop being a Teletubby soon. I got into a big fight with La La last night, because I accidentally called her fat.

She pushed me down a flight of stairs, and threw a chair down after me. It smashed me on the back, but I was able to scramble out of a fire exit. La La then burst through the first floor window, and landed on my shoulders. I ran around that place where we live with La La balancing on my shoulders. Occasionally, she would reach down and punch me in the face.

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