13 June 1997 - DOCTOR
I've got a new job now as a doctor. My practice is in a small farming community just outside of Leeds. I tell you - the hicks we get in here just can't comprehend modern medical methods.
The local vicar came in last night, complaining of bendy stumps. I explained I'd have to remove the stumps with a needle, and he ran out of the room. Judging by the way he ran, I don't think it was bendy stumps he was suffering from - it was rickets!
14 June 1997 - DOCTOR
A man came into my surgery last night saying he felt like a pair of curtains. I prescribed a him a course of strong anti-depressants.
He came back a while later saying the pills were making him hear voices, and that he now felt like a snooker ball. My diagnosis was that the man had a mild allergic reaction to the medication. I remedied the matter by reducing the strength of the prescription. Unfortunately the man was hit by a bus on the way to the chemist.
16 June 1997 - DOCTOR
Sometimes being a doctor can be hilarious. Yesterday a lady came into my surgery with terribly swollen ankles, and I could hardly stop laughing at them.
Admittedly she wasn't too keen on me chanting "tree legs", and running around her banging a tambourine, but she must have seen the funny side eventually. I'm sure her tears were tears of mirth. Or maybe some of the coal dust I threw at her had gone in her eyes.
18 June 1997 - DOCTOR
I had a patient come into my surgery last night complaining of twisty face and elbow knock-knock. I took one look at the man and realised his condition was far more serious: the knock-knock and the twisty had spread into snapping of the cloughie, blackening of the curlie wurlie and uglifying of the secondary rumpling valve.
Knowing how contagious this could be, I threw the man out of my surgery and refused to treat him.