22 October 1998 - BIG TOMATO
I have cultivated what I believe to be the biggest tomato of all time. It is approximately the size and weight of a small boy. In addition it is as red as the sun at dusk.
I have paid for an advert in the local paper, to tell people of my tomato. The advert runs: "NOTICE! OBSERVE MY EXCELLENT TOM' - NOT FOR SALE." It is accompanied by a black and white photograph of the tomato, and a box of matches for scale.
23 October 1998 - BIG TOMATO
Last night I cut my giant tomato in half, and I was astonished by what I found running through the centre - the seeds quite clearly spelt out the words: "JIM DAVIDSON FTYUDJD". Though I am not certain of the relevance of the latter word, nor its meaning, "JIM DAVIDSON" is clearly a reference to the popular Big Break host and blue comedian.
I took the tom' for scientific tests, and it was conclusively proved that this is a miracle of some kind.
24 October 1998 - BIG TOMATO
Since news broke out that I am in possession of a big tomato, containing seeds which spell out the name of Jim Davidson, my home has become a shrine to fans of the popular lower-bracket comedian and quiz host.
Every hour more and more visitors come to pay homage to my big tomato, some of them wearing Davidson T-shirts, or carrying cherished mementos, such as signed pictures, or theatre programmes from his smash-hit adult pantomime Sinderella, in which Davidson starred as Buttons.
28 October 1998 - BIG TOMATO
Stars from around the entertainment industry have gotten together to perform a charity song to raise enough money for me to buy fertiliser to grow a new big tom' - or "tomato". The words to the song - Do They Even Know What A Tom' Is? - go something like this:
"It's tomato time, And only through the proper application of fertilisers and nutrients can a tomato grow to an uncommon size, It's tomato time, And the whole world is going to get really freaked out by the size of the thing."