Being A Cowboy
14/2/96-21/2/96
14 February 1996 - BEING A COWBOY
I've got a new job as a Wild West-style cowboy.
It's quite romantic out here on the prairie: every time I look at a cactus, I think it's a lady, and try to chat it up. When I realise my mistake, I get so angry I smash its top in with an ox's jawbone.
To calm myself down, I have to get a horse to sit on my chest. This so restricts my breathing that I start hyperventilating, which isn't ideal.
15 February 1996 - BEING A COWBOY
My saddle's getting a bit itchy, so today I popped into town to pick up some chaps.
I asked the store-keeper what sort of chaps he recommended, and he told me he'd got a really big pair I could try out. Sadly, they proved far too tight, and I scraped my knees pulling them off.
The next pair fitted like a glove, but when I left, my horse was lame, so the store-keeper let me ride his donkey.
19 February 1996 - BEING A COWBOY
All hell broke loose last night when the Glover boys rode into town for a showdown with the Ruislip Lido Krew.
Things boiled over after Julian Glover tried to get Ruislip Lido closed down on environmental health grounds.
After an independent investigation showed the allegations were groundless, Martin Glover challenged the Krew to a bundle.
20 February 1996 - BEING A COWBOY
I got captured by a Red Indian called Pocaconnery last night.
After scalping me with a blunt spoke, he said he really liked me, and that it would be nice if I went to live amongst his folk and learn their ways.
When I tried to protest, he forced me against the side of his horse and flicked my arms with its filthy tail. Then he gave me a name: Ebenezer Goode.
21 February 1996 - BEING A COWBOY
I'm finding it hard to get used to life as a Red Indian.
Some of the stuff they get up to is just so way out. Like, at breakfast, they do this song about how great eggs are – but when I explained how eggs were made, they threw me into a lake.
And when one of the hunters comes back with a buffalo, the chief's youngest son has to "arrest" the slain beast by blowing smoke in its face.
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